Am I being a bit of an arsehole? (Charity shop donation theft)

[MarmaladeBatkins]

Well, kind of.

A few days ago, I had a clear-out and bagged up two black bags full of my old clothes/scarves/bags. Most were decent items and there were a few not-so-good items (still very sellable) such as trackie tops/plain t-shirts/jeggings.

My mother turned up and saw the bags and said "Ooh, what are you throwing out?" I said "I'm not throwing anything out, I'm giving some stuff to the charity shop." Then, without asking, she said "I'll have a look through and see if there's anything Margaret (name changed) would like." I stood open-mouthed as she rifled through the bags for Margaret, took all the good stuff out, put the less-good stuff back in and announced that she would take them for Margaret. I said "Margaret isn't going to wear any of that, you're just taking it because it's free." She said that Margaret would wear them and in any case, Margaet didn't have many clothes.

So I let her have them. Then I found an extra dress (a fringed '20s style dress that I bought for a themed party!) and shoved that in too. Mother saw and when I went into the kitchen, she took it out, inspected it, and threw it onto Margaret's pile. I said that I'd seen her and to put it back. I said "Now I KNOW you're taking stuff for the hell of it! Where is Margaret going to wear that?!" She did a sad face and put it back.

I feel pissed off about it but I don't know if AIBU on the basis that Margaret, who apparently has very little clothes, has had them and that I was getting rid of them anyway.

AIBU?

YABU
Charity starts at home. If yor mum knows someone who could use stuff then that is more important than giving it to a charity when you don't know if it will even be used.

I drove down to a famous charity shop once, parked in an awkward spot etc, and had two bags full of good clothes and they didn't want them, they couldn't use them, they didn't have enough space. In the end I chucked them down the tip.

If the clothes will be used by a real person, then that is the most important thing.

YANBU OP.

I wonder if it is a difference in the way people see charity shops perhaps?

• Some people (you) see it as an opportunity to be charitable, to make a donation and to help out a needy person with some nice things that they might not otherwise be able to afford.
• Others (your mother, and TBH me until I started thinking about it just now as a result of this thread) see it as a relatively convenient way of getting rid of stuff that is too good just to bin, but you can't be arsed finding new homes for every individual item, and also CBA to go to the council recycling depot.

Your way is much better.

Yes, my mother is a hoarder. The worst sort. Here is an example;

She bought a 5L slow-cooker, because it was reduced to £12 from £40. she lives alone. She decided that she didn't want it any more after a month or so, so she brought it round to mine. I gently declined because I am really pushed for cupboard space. But she insisted. "Well, I don't need it!" she said. I suggested she might like to give it to an old folk's home or something (it is frigging HUGE) but she won't give things away to charity/strangers. She point blank refuses to take it home, so there it is, sat on my worktop. I dare not give it away because she will go mental, like this other time that...

She insisted that I have an electric carpet sweeper from her, because she didn't need it any more. I took it but it broke after about a week. I said to her that it had broken and that it wasn't worth fixing and that I would leave it out for the scrap man. "Don't you DARE!" she said "I'll take it back with me!" I said "But it doesn't actually work..." Anyway, I gave her three chances to take it back with her and after a month it was still sat by my front door, so DH chucked it. She noticed it had gone when she came round next and demanded to know where her sweeper had gone, so we told her. Haven't heard the end of that one.

But people who are saying that Margaret needed the clothes - we have no idea whether she needed them or not! And let's face it, someone who is off to Australia for a month on holiday is probably not short of clothes?

Your stuff, your rules. Sounds like you should have been a bit clearer with your Mum that you didn't want her to give your old clothes to Margaret.

Complete opposite experience and opinion to claig!
Were there no other charity shops around who wanted the clothes? That's shocking.

YANBU. The charity probably would have claimed gift aid on the sales too, so they've lost even more than £40.

I'd be tempted to hint that your DM might like to make a donation to the charity, seeing as she was feeling so charitable.

Margaret is probably fed up with your DM foisting other people's cast-offs onto her anyway, but is too polite to say anything.

How much do you want to bet that poor old Margaret is going to be about as grateful for the clothes as you were for the slow cooker!

I get the impression that's it's highly likely your mum has decided that Margaret doesn't have many clothes. I don't reckon Margaret's had much of an input.

Hearts has hit the nail on the head.

The shop I give to is the Hospice shop, the same Hospice who cared for my auntie until she passed away last November. I can't really afford to just hand over £50 to them, in cash, at this time of year, but the goods would have fetched them that money (none of it would have been tipped! It was all good stuff, even the trackie tops were from Pineapple)

I don't know how grateful Margaret will be or not. She might be ecstatic. I would not be, though. I hate people turning up with bags of shit for me. I just think "Pfffft, more stuff to find space for." But you have to do the pleased face, lest anyone think you an ungrateful harpie.

I suspected as much, Marmalade. (I've lived with one.) No point in getting upset then because she's not in control of what she's doing. Just remember not to do things in front of her in future - or if you're caught unawares, not to admit that they're going out of the house.

Your mum sounds unhinged.

Hearts, I wasn't prepared to drive everywhere on the off-chance that someone wanted the clothes. They were good clothes, but the charity shop could not make decent money selling them in its small shop. They had items that sold for more and shifted quicker. That was the harsh reality. I thought I was doing a good thing going out of my way to give them good clothes for free, but they weren't interested.

Marmalade your mum sounds a bit like my parents. They save all manner of crap because it might be useful one day or (in their fantasy land) my dad is going to get around to fixing whatever bit of broken shite they have lying around.

I shall pause here to explain that dad ain't doin' no fixin' of nuthin' never. He has stage 4 prostate cancer spread to bones kidneys lymph nodes everywhere, chemo every 3 weeks, radiotherapy, daily blood thinner injections, uses a walker and a stick and has at most 12 months to live! [I know I sound flippant but actually it's a coping mechanism emoticon]

Seriously, Claig? I am shocked! The lady in the charity shop that I donate to said that any clothes they can't use is sold to the rag man. They get a five a bag, apparently!

Yup, that'll be poor ol' Margaret. Is she even your size?

If you know Margaret can you do some undercover operations and take it back?

Yes, I daresay Margaret might not feel overly enthusiastic about being obliged to pack all those scarves for her Australian summer holiday.

So sorry about your dad, Hearts.

X-post.
Really sorry about your dad Hearts.

Margaret might be a similar size to me, but I honestly cannot see a fifty-odd year old woman wearing some of this stuff... a turquoise and cerise pink leopard print beach dress (that I feel like mutton in and I am early thirties) a pair of drainpipe jeans, a pair of khaki hareem pants...

'Seriously, Claig? I am shocked! The lady in the charity shop that I donate to said that any clothes they can't use is sold to the rag man. They get a five a bag, apparently!'

This was about ten years ago in a famous charity shop in the centre of town. Maybe the rag man business links were not as frequent in those days. But the two bags of clothes were worth far more than £5, but they weren't interested and couldn't shift them to customers. Maybe now they would shift them to a rag man, but not then. And what does the rag man do with it, does he recycle it?

I would rather give it to a real person.

On their website they say that any clothes donated cannot be sent abroad due to fumigation costs etc.

Sometimes charity shops do get overwhelmed with stuff claig.

My mum works in one & she says there are some days when they have to tell people to bring stuff back another time. Where she works a lot of the helpers are elderly and they can't start heaving around really heavy bags of clothes, they can only take what can easily be stored and then they get extra volunteers to help sort & clear on other days.

I've been in the back of the shop & when they are waiting for help sorting & clearing it is a H&S nightmare. Sack loads of stuff piled high & ready to collapse. If you saw the shocking state some of it comes in like too, you'd wonder what some people are thinking of. Smelly, puke stained, beer stained, wine stained, torn etc etc etc. Literally just bagged up rags, that people like my mum have to sort through to see what is saleable and what they'll have to bag up and wait for the rag merchant to come and collect.

I think honestly knowing what your mother is like, you should have hidden the bags from her as it seems she has form for this sort of thing.

If she gives you stuff just say you passed it on to a friend but in reality throw it out or give it to charity.

But even if you think this Some people (you) see it as an opportunity to be charitable, to make a donation and to help out a needy person with some nice things that they might not otherwise be able to afford, you are still getting rid of lots of stuff, easily and in a 'guilt free' way.

So don't get too holy about it. Charity shops are guilt free ways of getting rid of the proceeds of our over consumption. They spare you the guilt of sending stuff to landfill, relieve the burden of wasted money squandered on poor purchases. And you get to feel all angelic as the charity earns some money and some other person, who "is needy" can buy the stuff you deem no longer needed/wanted or worthy of space in your home.

But it's not like you are taking a bunch of stuff to the charity shop that you actually WANT now is it? There is no altruistic behavior here and the charity shops are actually doing you/us/me/donators a favour.

Personally I'd have no problem with your Mum & Margret and think you are on a slightly high horse re your 'charity' donations.

That's pretty standard behaviour in my family, sorry, but I think YABU

Yes, Youcan, people think they are helping, they want to help, I wanted to help, but people don't realise that a charity shop is a shop, not a dumping ground and there is a cost in time and space for every item brought in, and due to the size of a shop etc, lots of good items cannot be handled by them because it is not cost effective. That is why they probably earn a small amount by giving it to a rag man. What does he do with it? I doubt it goes to real people.

Sad, but that is how it seems to be, because space and time have costs.