Am I being a bit of an arsehole? (Charity shop donation theft)

[MarmaladeBatkins]

Well, kind of.

A few days ago, I had a clear-out and bagged up two black bags full of my old clothes/scarves/bags. Most were decent items and there were a few not-so-good items (still very sellable) such as trackie tops/plain t-shirts/jeggings.

My mother turned up and saw the bags and said "Ooh, what are you throwing out?" I said "I'm not throwing anything out, I'm giving some stuff to the charity shop." Then, without asking, she said "I'll have a look through and see if there's anything Margaret (name changed) would like." I stood open-mouthed as she rifled through the bags for Margaret, took all the good stuff out, put the less-good stuff back in and announced that she would take them for Margaret. I said "Margaret isn't going to wear any of that, you're just taking it because it's free." She said that Margaret would wear them and in any case, Margaet didn't have many clothes.

So I let her have them. Then I found an extra dress (a fringed '20s style dress that I bought for a themed party!) and shoved that in too. Mother saw and when I went into the kitchen, she took it out, inspected it, and threw it onto Margaret's pile. I said that I'd seen her and to put it back. I said "Now I KNOW you're taking stuff for the hell of it! Where is Margaret going to wear that?!" She did a sad face and put it back.

I feel pissed off about it but I don't know if AIBU on the basis that Margaret, who apparently has very little clothes, has had them and that I was getting rid of them anyway.

AIBU?

And it wasn't theft.
My Mum is a hoarder too - I understand your pain.

YANBU- I hate it when people go through my stuff. If you'd have offered then fair enough.

I am the Margaret in this situation. My mum will happily have things off of other people (though only if offered) because it's free and then passes it on to the rest of us. Most of the time I just take it now and chuck it once she leaves as she's a hoarder and she'll just keep it otherwise.

A little while ago she had a bag full of clothes off her friend that she'd earmarked for me. I am pregnant and her friend is fairly fat, so my mum reasoned that of course me being mid twenties would mean that I'd want some late 70-something's clothes Honestly.

I told her before she picked it up that I didn't want it. She still picked it up anyway. Then she informs me that there's some new pants in there that'll be big enough for when I have my cesarean. Oh, reader, how I wish I was lying. Yes, my own mother tried to force a seventy year old's massive secondhand (though she assures me they were never worn) pants.

So don't worry too much OP, I'm sure your clothes are lovely but I'm also fairly sure Margaret won't want them and they'll end up at the charity shop anyway.

We want good items that we discard to be of use to someone because it feels such a waste to throw decent goods out. But the reality is that they are nearly all consumables and the cost of storage is more than can eventually be recouped for them.

Go to any council tipping site and you will see tons of good books in good condition in book bins and tons of good clothes and good chairs and desks etc, but where they all end up, who knows. The cost of storage is too great and so they are possibly crushed or recycled for wood etc., but they are not used for their original purpose.

The second hand clothes market is very different now to the way it was ten years ago, so please don't let claig's very unusual story put anyone off donating clothes - even ripped or stained items will be saleable to ragmen for a small amount. It's helpful if you can be bothered to split donations into two bags marked saleable quality and rag quality.

"But it's not like you are taking a bunch of stuff to the charity shop that you actually WANT now is it? There is no altruistic behavior here and the charity shops are actually doing you/us/me/donators a favour.

Personally I'd have no problem with your Mum & Margret and think you are on a slightly high horse re your 'charity' donations."

Erm, actually, I could have flogged it on eBay. I could have got myself money for it but I chose to give it to the shop to raise cash for a hospice.

I think you're being a bit of a snippy madam, but there we have it.

I have seen tons of remaindered books, hardbacks, paperbacks, costly books etc all packed in boxes and on their way back to a firm whose business it is to pulp them. It seems such a waste, someone could read them for free. But they can't. There are so many and there is not enough time or space to handle them all. Thousands of good products, printed and bound, on their way back to be pulped.

Very sad.

Fobbly, I'm sorry.

Unfortunately, some people equate donating to a charity shop with chucking stuff. A friend once commented that some of the things she didn't need any more were too good to send to charity.

You're not unreasonable to be a little pissed off.

Christ, she will be called muttony margaret around the pool on that cruise.

The textiles recycling market is buoyant at the moment. Any charity not taking advantage of this is missing a trick.

Yup, Scholes! The stuff that was too crap to send got binned. I'd sifted out all the good stuff, thinking what would sell for them...

Arf! at Muttony Margaret.

Oh Fobbly. Admittedly I did chuckle but it's no fun bring in your shoes, I've been there too.

xDH's parents are like this. It used to drive me demented.
xFiL actually worked at the local 'Recycling centre' for a few years.

You cannot imagine the shite he used to bring home.

YY we can all sell stuff on ebay, but it's a right pain flogging it on ebay isn't it? Then it become just another job for you to do, which, if you are throwing away that much expensive 'quality' clothing, you probably consider to be more of a hassle than it's worth to you.

Heck - you asked if your were being an arsehole and I think that's a bit harsh!

I'm simply pointing out giving stuff to a charity shop does not make you an angel. It just makes you an ordinary person, who wants a guilt free way to get rid of unwanted possessions.

Plus your Mum clearly has 'issues' and seeing those bags of stuff just sitting there must have got all of them well stirred up. Remember "charity starts at home", and as someone else pointed out, they will probably all end up at the chazza anyway.

Our school does textile recycling - they get paid by the kilo.

Well, I sell a lot of things on eBay already (business seller!) so it would take me an extra half an hour, maybe, on top of what I already list on there. Plus, there are FB selling pages, newspaper free ads etc. I could get money for stuff, if I wanted to.

I don't think it makes me an angel. I just think it makes me a person trying to help out. I gave DS's travel system to them last year, they put it for sale at £45. In my eyes, that's £45 that I helped to raise for them. Charity shops get money by selling donations. I'm not sure why people on MN seem confused by this?!

I also have no problem in sending things to the tip. I cleared my cellar out by doing so last January.

Charity might start at home, but it hasn't started at my home, it's started at friffing Margaret's home!

I suspect poor Margaret will be horrified when she is handed them, and wonder why on earth she gets your cast offs.

Why don't you give it a few days and give Margaret a ring and offer to take some of her stuff to the charity shop with your stuff. Bet almost all your stuff would be in there!

Margaret is orf Down Under tomorrow!

What I will do is check Fleabay when she gets back, though. She is a power-seller and I can totally imagine her listing my stuff on there!

Tbh it's old Mags I feel most sorry for.

She's going to look a right knobber on her holidays in MC Hammer's pants.

Poor Margaret. Your mum is going to b going through her Australia holiday snaps looking for that beach dress!

Randall, you barstard!

Margret is an ebay power seller - oh that changes everything.
I'll bet you a fiver your Mum is on commission!!!

Does Margaret want the clothes, or will she be offended at being your Mum's charity case?

Sounds like your Mum has a bit of a thrift obsession and probably has hoarding tendencies herself ('just in case it comes in useful'). Is she overstepping normal social boundaries as a result? Often? I think that's potenitally the problem here.

Yep, mum wants her cut.

I'll bet Margaret doesnt' get them. My mum does this sort of thing - or did when I lived at home many moons ago. Drove me crackers. Eventually I just had my clearouts when I knew she would be out and took the stuff away immediately/ditched it in the bottom of the bin and covered it over.

My MIL refuses to dump all kinds of random items so gives them to us on the basis that "they'll come in useful". So we dump them. Irritating as hell but she got the royal hump when I said I was giving away some old chipped china that she had donated when we moved into our first home. It was chipped when we got it and we were told to get rid of it when we could afford a nice replacement. Apparently she wasn't serious..... yawn

OP - I suspect that most of your annoyance stems from realising that you should have hidden the fact that you were donating the stuff to charity and as a result your Mum has probably taken a bunch of random stuff home with her that could have raised some cash for the charity. Trying to get it back will only result in an unholy row and claims that she will use it herself. Lesson learned unfortunately.

YANBU at all. Demand your cut from EBay Margaret (who looks like Dorian from Birds of a Feather - but rougher)

My MIL did something similar to me. When we finally packed our old VHS tapes she asked if she could take "1 or 2" for the children next door. I was happy with that until she filled four bags full of my much loved old Disney films. Then told me that the parents weren't sure if the children would want them so just took them all to the car boot.