Am I being a bit of an arsehole? (Charity shop donation theft)

[MarmaladeBatkins]

Well, kind of.

A few days ago, I had a clear-out and bagged up two black bags full of my old clothes/scarves/bags. Most were decent items and there were a few not-so-good items (still very sellable) such as trackie tops/plain t-shirts/jeggings.

My mother turned up and saw the bags and said "Ooh, what are you throwing out?" I said "I'm not throwing anything out, I'm giving some stuff to the charity shop." Then, without asking, she said "I'll have a look through and see if there's anything Margaret (name changed) would like." I stood open-mouthed as she rifled through the bags for Margaret, took all the good stuff out, put the less-good stuff back in and announced that she would take them for Margaret. I said "Margaret isn't going to wear any of that, you're just taking it because it's free." She said that Margaret would wear them and in any case, Margaet didn't have many clothes.

So I let her have them. Then I found an extra dress (a fringed '20s style dress that I bought for a themed party!) and shoved that in too. Mother saw and when I went into the kitchen, she took it out, inspected it, and threw it onto Margaret's pile. I said that I'd seen her and to put it back. I said "Now I KNOW you're taking stuff for the hell of it! Where is Margaret going to wear that?!" She did a sad face and put it back.

I feel pissed off about it but I don't know if AIBU on the basis that Margaret, who apparently has very little clothes, has had them and that I was getting rid of them anyway.

AIBU?

Ah right, RTT - yes, she is and she does.

I'd be cross too but would have been more forceful and faux incredulous as a result. 'You're taking my good clothes, that will sell for £50 for the Hospice that treated Auntie X and giving them to a woman who has quite enough clothes already, can aford any more she wants and will think your bats for offering her these? You know she'ss either chuck them or sell them don't you? I want the money to go to the Hospice, not in the bin or to Margaret's holiday cocktails fund!!!'

From what you describe they could easily make more than £50 too. Charity shops have upped their prices and got better at checking shop prices and spotting when something is a good brand (not always but some have). They will charge a third or even half the price new, for some stuff.

I have boxes of kids' stuff I can't sell on Ebay as they changed the final fee arrangements so I'd make hardly any profit - it's just not worth it for the amount of time I invest.

can Mutton Maggie take them all for £100 (they are worth way more) and she can sell them on Ebay?

I could choose to be charitable and take them down to the shop, but with baby #7 on the way I actually need the money...

BTW you are not an arsehole Marmalade, your stuff so should be your choice, but why didn't you say no to her in the beginning?

Zing there are specials baby & child stuff 2nd hand sales sprouting up all over the place around here (copying NCT sales). Look out for one in your area and set up stall perhaps?

My parents are compulsive hoarders like yours Marmalade

My DM asked for a new knife block set for her b day. I told her I would get her one on the condition that she threw out her old, broken, blunt knives and manky old knife block.

New knife block was gratefully received... old knife block sits alongside it in the kitchen, 2 months on 'In case anyone else needs it'....

Your Mum just couldn't bear to see all those good clothes given away. And I agree with you - your donation was intended for the charity, so that they could turn your clothes into cash. It is your choice who that donation goes to.

I must, however take exception to this: "a turquoise and cerise pink leopard print beach dress" because I now have images of Margaret looking like Bo' Selecta's Mel B.....

And Fobbly this Yes, my own mother tried to force a seventy year old's massive secondhand (though she assures me they were never worn) pants. made me do a little horrified squeal.

Please tell me in this example 'pants' doesn't mean 'knickers'?????

You can't touch this. Der ner ner ner

"BTW you are not an arsehole Marmalade, your stuff so should be your choice, but why didn't you say no to her in the beginning?"

My mother is very hard to say no to. I know, I know, I'm an adult, I should be able to say when I'm not happy about something...

I didn't just stay quiet when she was rifling through the bags, tbf. I did say she was just grabbing at free stuff and I did huff and puff a lot. :(

"I must, however take exception to this: "a turquoise and cerise pink leopard print beach dress" because I now have images of Margaret looking like Bo' Selecta's Mel B....."

Do you know Margaret?! You are uncannily close!

Do you know Margaret?! You are uncannily close! Oh god, she's going to be prancing around on the beach in your leopard print dress, boasting about how much money she made on ebay from all your other cast offs

In all seriousness, I know how hard it is to say no to this kind of hoarder/offloader of unwanted crap. I happened to mention to my DF the other day that my hand is getting a bit arthritic. Conversation went like this

DF: "ooh I have some fingerless gloves you can have"
Me: "No thanks, I already have some of my own"
DF: "I'll go and get them for you"
Me: "No thanks, it's fine"
DF: "Here you go, look, I've hardly worn them, they're fine"
Me: "No thank you. I have my own. I don't want your manky old gloves"
DF: "Just try them, you said you had arthritis"
Me: "NO THANK YOU I DONT WANT THEM"
DF: "Well be like that then, I was only trying to help"
Me: "FUCKING HELL"

Sometimes it's easier to just let them get on with it and accept the crap....

See I do understand about the not letting go, wanting things to be useful etc. It becomes an ingrained habit that's hard to break. We've also been on the receiving end of family's discarded tat helpful donations which you're meant to store for ever and a day regardless of condition or lack of usefulness.
I think some of need to practise being more assertive.
'I have X you can have'
'No thank you, I'm fine with what I have'
and repeat 'No thank you'

Similarly
'Ooooh what's in the bags are you chucking stuff out'
'No. Please leave it'
and repeat 'leeeeeave it' in a menacing voice. Throw in a bit of impromptu growling if you think it'll help.

Mind you if anyone would come and make off with all the useless tat here, I'd consider it saving me a chucking job (that comment does not relate to charity donations)

Cosy you've just given me major flashbacks!

I had a frighteningly similar conversation with xFiL about a lawnmower he'd pulled out of the skip.

He didn't need it himself as he already had 5
The fact that I have neither a lawn nor a garden shed/garage to keep it in was apparently irrelevant.

Blimey Marm, you huffed and puffed.
You go tiger!

Seriously though, how do mother's manage to wield this magical power over us?
I'm a right bolshy bastard but when talking to my mother the word 'no' just won't come out of my mouth.

I have this uncontrollable urge to follow 'no thanks' with 'because'.
I then fanny around and waffle, making massive excuses for myself.

Just dawned on me that I'm currently resting my laptop on a bloody 'Top Gear' book that my DF has given me to give to DP.

He ordered it off Amazon "But there was something wrong with Amazon and I accidentally ordered 2" (funny how the internet is often 'broken' and makes these sort of mistakes all the time, can't possibly be his mistake). "Give it to DP, he likes cars".

I gave it to DP. He said "I hate Clarkson, sorry, can't read it"

But I can't bring myself to give it away to a charity shop, I feel guilty. He will ask DP whether he has finished reading it incessantly for the next year....

Then there was the time that my DF bought me a lovely book box set from the local jumble sale.

Very nice, but several years of storing it and not getting round to reading it, I decided it was better off donating it to the next jumble sale.

Cue my DF "I found you this lovely book box set at the jumble sale - here you go" Aaaaaargh!

DP has gone some way to helping me cure this - we live in his house, he's a designer and very 'minimalist'... perfect excuse to my parents "No thanks, DP won't allow any 'clutter' in the house"

Take it to a charity shop Cosy. Top Gear books (as opposed to Clarkson's rants) sell well. And cross your fingers behind your back and say very firmly. "Yes DH read it, and found it quite funny but it's really not his usual sort of thing so we gave it to the school Christmas fete where it helped raise money for the new play equipment which is lovely isn't it ?"

My mother brought around a crate, yes a CRATE, of ring binders full of Star Wars gubbins fo DS, because he vaguely liked Star Wars a year ago and they were only £3 at a jumble sale.

I said "Awww thanks. I've no rooms for them here though so maybe we can keep them for when he comes to yours?" She looked shocked and said "I haven't got room to keep that massive box!"

You're not an arsehole but next time your mum says "what are you chucking out?" Say it's rubbish like old paperwork that you don't need or something.

But my DF would interpret "Yes DH read it, and found it quite funny" to mean "Please keep buying us this stuff" - The rest of your very reasonable suggestion would fall on deaf ears!

My DF and Marmalade's DM would get on well!

Hmm, "...read it but it wasn't his sort of thing at all so we...."

Oh god your DM sounds more and more like my DF....

He once bought me a box full of ancient National Geographic magazines. I mean, they're interesting and all, but who actually buys that stuff?

Needless to say, I still have them too.... (worried I've inherited the hoarder gene)... would a charity shop like them, or should I bin 'em?

My DF is also a compulsive Poundland / Aldis gadget hoarder. He has a cupboard full of torches, those little glasses mending kits and magnifying glasses 'because they looked useful'

I think it's something to do with their generation - there was less crap available when they were young, so they held on to things.

EvilRingahBitch he might be a bit offended by that....

I'm ashamed to say that in the past I have resorted to telling DF that my DP is so dyslexic he doesn't really like reading (semi truth). That worked for a bit, until DP picked up a newspaper in front of DF and he exclaimed "I thought you couldn't read!!"

So it's DPs fault for outing his reading ability.....

Freecycle might take the National Geographics off your hands. I've ditched old New Scientists to Freecyclers in the past. I do worry that I might be enabling ones with a hoarding habit of their own - but what the hell, out of sight, out of mind. Or a nursery might like them to cut up for collages if they're colourful.

I was living abroad when my darling husband suddenly died. On the way to the funeral, in the car of a very pushy woman who sort of managed the estate where we had a house, she suddenly said 'Senor Oldgrandmama had a lot of lovely clothes ...' (he did - cashmere overcoats, jackets etc. etc.) and she continued 'I can sell them for you, on commission, of course ...' This was three days after he'd died! She'd already charged 'commission' on the funeral costs, although I'd arranged it all myself with the undertaker etc. (never understood quite how she worked THAT scam out.)

Instead, I passed them on to a local charity that helped foreign labourers who were doing building work in the country. I loved the thought of them walking around in Mr. Oldgrandmama's cashmere clobber, silk shirts, handmade shoes - plus loads and loads of M & S vests and underpants (YES, unworn, still in their cellophane packets!). The pushy woman was FURIOUS and didn't speak to me for weeks.

Holy crap OldGrandmama, that's terrible. What a horror of a woman!
The image of the labourers in handmade shoes is fabulous though , what a lovely thing to do.

I'm so sorry for your loss

That's such a lovely image oldgrandmama - though in my highly hormonal state it does have me blubbing all over my keyboard! Hope your DH would have enjoyed the idea too.