Am I being a bit of an arsehole? (Charity shop donation theft)

[MarmaladeBatkins]

Well, kind of.

A few days ago, I had a clear-out and bagged up two black bags full of my old clothes/scarves/bags. Most were decent items and there were a few not-so-good items (still very sellable) such as trackie tops/plain t-shirts/jeggings.

My mother turned up and saw the bags and said "Ooh, what are you throwing out?" I said "I'm not throwing anything out, I'm giving some stuff to the charity shop." Then, without asking, she said "I'll have a look through and see if there's anything Margaret (name changed) would like." I stood open-mouthed as she rifled through the bags for Margaret, took all the good stuff out, put the less-good stuff back in and announced that she would take them for Margaret. I said "Margaret isn't going to wear any of that, you're just taking it because it's free." She said that Margaret would wear them and in any case, Margaet didn't have many clothes.

So I let her have them. Then I found an extra dress (a fringed '20s style dress that I bought for a themed party!) and shoved that in too. Mother saw and when I went into the kitchen, she took it out, inspected it, and threw it onto Margaret's pile. I said that I'd seen her and to put it back. I said "Now I KNOW you're taking stuff for the hell of it! Where is Margaret going to wear that?!" She did a sad face and put it back.

I feel pissed off about it but I don't know if AIBU on the basis that Margaret, who apparently has very little clothes, has had them and that I was getting rid of them anyway.

AIBU?

MIL is a hoarder, but DH just doesn't seem to 'get it' that we can't let her see ANYTHING we are doing with regard to giving things to charity! Please don't think I'm being unsympathetic, because I think YANBU, but, like DH does with his DM, you've allowed her to know you're getting rid of something. This will have generated anxiety in her, and she will have been compelled to do what she's done. The clothes will probably now be shoved in the back of her wardrobe - I imagine 'Margaret' is just an excuse to get her hands on them. (My MIL always says things like this, to justify why the piles of crap have grown...)

I NEVER tell MIL what we're doing with anything (I'm a great declutterer, and there's often a bag waiting to be taken somewhere when MIL visits). I just say 'these belong to a friend.' And I don't elaborate. Otherwise, MIL will NEED to take them. I find it frustrating, but it is a mental illness. So I am prepared to try and work around it, to protect all of us.

I know it's hard (and this is off topic!), but I would also firmly return the slow cooker. I would clearly say, 'Either you take it back or it's going to the hospice charity. You decide. I don't have the room for it, and I don't need it.' Don't let her involve you in her illness, by becoming an extra repository for her 'stuff'. I am very very clear with MIL about these things now, so she knows it's not 'safe' to give me things without my express consent.

DH is hopeless though, because he tells her the truth about things! He's much better now, because we've talked about it loads. I was the first person to mention the word 'hoarder'. There's a lot of denial in the family.

I do sympathise.

OP I think you need to invent a friend that is the equivalent of Margaret, who is a bit down on her luck and needs a boost. Then, if your mum sees another of your charity clear outs they can be for Amy, which will make it hard for her to take from poor Amy for Margaret.

The only possible pitfall, though, is that your mum may bring more crap to your house for Amy, but off that can go to the charity shop/tip straight away.

OP I think you need to invent a friend that is the equivalent of Margaret, who is a bit down on her luck and needs a boost. Then, if your mum sees another of your charity clear outs they can be for Amy, which will make it hard for her to take from poor Amy for Margaret.

That was what I was going to suggest. Also, poor Amy can now be the deserving recipient of any unwanted items that your mother tries to palm off on you, and the first item to go to poor Amy should be the slow cooker.

3 times my bags of clothes ( Hobbs, LK Bennett , Ted Baker for example) have been refused by the charity shop over the road from my office I have decided I must look like a skank and they just don't want my stuff now

I did however trek to the end of town to a cancer research shop and they were happy to take them every time, including my dear old mums Christmas tree which sadly she only got 2 weeks use out of as as she died suddenly on New Year's Day 2010 so at least they got some £ for the stuff.

fwiw I think Maggie is grabby

cosy Unfortunately yes, pants in this case does mean knickers

Worst part was she was pretty affronted when I (involuntarily) made a wtf face, as if that's just the most normal thing in the world!

Hmmm ... [now feeling a bit guilty and hoarderish] ... I have a year's lot of National Geographics (thought the grandbrats would enjoy reading them when they visit ... ha ha, guess what?) And about eight years' of The New Yorker magazine. I keep meaning to go through them, but I won't, will I?

Freecycle, methinks.

Needless to say, op, YANBU.

I wish I could freely say that I think your DM is, but I'm held back by the fact that I fear I'm only 25 years away, at best, from becoming her. I have real trouble getting rid of things.

The other day DH decided to clear out a kitchen cupboard. Amongst the things he jettisoned was stuff like packs of chewing gum that were four years out of date, half-packs of crisps (carefully sealed with bag clips) that no-one is ever going to finish because no-one likes prawn cocktail flavour in the first place, and an ancient half-jar of Horlicks all welded together into a big lump.

And I couldn't cope at all, I had to take myself off and have a ridiculous sulk about it. Margaret, here I come...

I'm not as bad as my own DM yet, though. My best ever find in her cupboards was a tub of 12 years out of date mushroom stock powder (yes, exactly) that she could not possibly dispense with as it was just too essential to her cooking.

Mum. If you haven't used it in 12 years...

To the person trying to dispose of National Geographics, could I suggest you look at their web-site and see whether their archive is accessible, for free?

I had some years' worth of New Scientists that I'd hauled around with me for years. Tried Ebay (spending a great deal of time listing them all separately on some uploader thing, hoping some collectors might be missing a few). Sold one. Then - couldn't even give them away on Freecycle. The NS web-site is excellent.

Punt why couldn't you cope? How did it make you feel? I am incredibly curious and nosy.

I felt the stuff was still, however theoretically, usable. And I don't like throwing away usable stuff. I was brought up not to waste food, in particular (you see how my DM is the same way).

In my rational brain, though, I know DH was quite right. 4yo chewing gum is not going to be nice. The Horlicks had gone all horrible because I realised how much sugar is in it, and didn't drink it after that. I was still keeping it "just in case", but in case of what exactly, I have no clue!

Now, I rather like having a cupboard that can be opened without a shed load of ancient crap falling out on your head

I had a slight wakeup call the other week when DH said that he'd had a bit of a dodgy tummy after eating his work sandwich, and he thought the chicken therein might be to blame. He sought my agreement to throw away the remaining chicken sandwich that was in the fridge for the following day, but asked nervously as "I know you don't like wasting good food".

No. That is ok. Wasting GOOD food is one thing, but even I am not going to insist that you eat something that stands a good chance of making you ill!

only read some of the thread. you are an adult and if you don't want something your mum gives you e.g. sweeper then so be it.

she sounds pushy and doesn't seem to respect your decisions or know any boundaries. I wouldn't put up with her being so controlling.

To be fair we don't know if Margaret actually appreciates the gifts or not. She might be as fed up of it as the OP.