aibu to be upset by thoughtless gifts?

[mumToOne33]

At Christmas and birthdays I buy extended family thoughtful gifts, often accompanied by a receipt in case they want to change it I've got it wrong for example a restaurant voucher for dm who loves eating out, the Man Booker prize shortlist for df who loves reading, the favourite brand of face cream for dmil. I also get everyone 'treats' like chocolates or nice toiletries from lush, that I know they like and use.

I know it's about giving, but in return I've received about two gifts in total each year, such as: a saucepan (not a brand, a random saucepan with a broken handle), a lemon squeezer on two occasions, a random shoe rack when I already have one, coat pegs (why???), a babycare book when I had a toddler. Aibu to be upset that I put time and effort into all their gifts and I get a broken saucepan in return? I had to use a screwdriver to fix the handle and even now it wobbles

I may make minimal effort this year and see how they like it.

There comes a time when Christmas and birthdays are for children. You have reached that point. Save your money and shoe leather and dont bother to reciprocate for those who don't buy for you. Not in the spirit of Christmas I know but not everyone has the imagination, time, finances or the inclination to be trailing round shops to buy hundreds of presents for cousins and siblings they may or may not see often.

I lack the time, energy and inclination to do "effort" presents for anyone other than my kids.

I'm a single parent, I work full time Monday to Friday, I am the sole carer for my parents.

I could not afford a restaurant voucher, or the man booker short list or treats from lush for everyone.

Christmas is for my kids first and foremost. Everyone else is just a side issue.

Aibu to be upset by thoughtless people who can't understand that everyone is different and everyone can neither afford nor wants to be buying lots of individually thought out gifts for others?

YABU. Nobody asked you to buy thoughtful expensive gifts. I love buying presents for people but I get SFA in return. If it upsets you so much, why not scrap the decent presents and treat yourself to whatever you'd like to receive?

Eh? Why are people telling the OP off for buying nice presents? I love giving someone I care about the perfect gift, I didn't realise it makes me an evil witch...

It's not that she's buying nice presents I have a problem with.

It's that she expects others to do the same.

When your budget is half of fuck all it's hard to buy something like stuff out of lush because it's too expensive and if I buy something cheap I have a sense the op would look down her nose at me.

Quite apart from the fact that I just don't have the time to trail shops looking for stuff.

OP, maybe suggest to family that you arrange a secret Santa this year - names in a hat, each person buys for one other, set a financial limit which is suitable to all. That way you, and others hopefully, can find a thoughtful present for someone, and no-one (including you) has to fork out a fortune. Obviously this'll only work within a family group who'd be likely to buying for each other anyway.

I don't believe Christmas and birthdays are just for kids, not at all, and I am so glad that my family and in-laws enjoy these occasions and love to celebrate them. However, in your case, OP, you need to work out why your family don't reciprocate. If it's a budget/time thing then a price limit or secret Santa arrangement could work. I feel for you as I love to buy gifts, I enjoy thinking of them and wrapping them and receiving them even if the giver has got it slightly wrong when I know they have tried. Maybe your family feel like posters above that it's just for children, in which case it's a shame but you will know not to expect anything. In any case, you need to find a way to tactfully broach the subject.

YANBU, OP, it's not about the money spent its the total lack of effort or care that is infuriating. All my IL's do this and it drives me nuts, especially when the manage to buy the most boring present ever for the DC, and I'm not talking a toy they already have(I always contact them for ideas/suggestions for their DC), but something like a a top and a (adult)book totalling about £15 when I've spent twice that on toys their dc actually wanted.
I said it wasn't about the money then quoted prices() but I'm trying to give an example of the tightfistedness and thoughtlessness that I totally identify with the OP on.
One year I got one of those hair treatment packs for specific hair colour, think its name was "brilliant blonde". My hair is dark brown.

I think you need to buy less. I also think that while you might think they are all lovely presents you can't be sure the recipient does. I get given stuff from lush and appear very pleased but in fact I can only use certain products. The man booker prize short list might sound good but are they books your DF actually wants?

Focus your efforts on your DH and kids.

My SIL used to go mad at Xmas spending lots of money. She was being thoughtful but she had no idea of our tastes sadly. There's no way we could have afforded to spend the same amount she used to. We don't even go mad spending lots of money on the kids.

In your shoes I'd buy everyone nice chocolates and save myself a fortune.

Ok. So I'm one of those tightfisted thoughtless fuckers then.

My budget for others (ie not my kids) is a tenner a head. I buy my mum, dad, brother and wife, and his two kids. That's £60 total.

I work. I have to be on the train in half an hour. I won't be home until 6. Where I live all the shops will be shut. Amazon won't leave parcels and none of my neighbours will sign for them. Most nights it's tea, help DC with homework, some work of my own and bed. Tonight I've to go to my mum who has an ulcer on her leg, tomorrow night I'm late in work and won't be home til 10 at least, Friday I've dd to take to a party, Saturday we are over with my parents, then sat afternoon dd is at an activity. I will be home around 6.

The rest of sat and sun is housework and batch cooking for the week.

How exactly would you suggest I get the time and money to shop thoughtfully?

I'm pretty sure the OP didn't complain that people were too skint to buy expensive things. There are more thoughtful budget gifts that people could buy her instead of wasting money on a pot or lemon squeezer. Personally, I couldn't give a monkeys how much a gift costs. In my family we do gifts for children mostly, my husband's side do no gifts for adults at all but my side do inexpensive gifts for adults like toiletries or something home made. I would say it's hugely thoughtful if someone takes the time to make you a jar of jam with a hand drawn label or a tin of home made biscuits.

May I suggest, OP, that you throw away the said pan?
The liberating feeling afterwards is amazing (I think we've all been there). Replace it with a nice quality one that brings a smile to your face every time you use it.

For adults I find it easier to 'set a theme' every year. We all give books this year. Or book tokens. Or chocolates the following year. Or scarves and socks theme. Or slippers. Or exhibition tickets.

Stop being such a martyr about it - scale it down. Buy some wine/ nice chocolates - job done. Are you sure your presents are being so well received - I mean, I love reading but the Man Booker shortlist - hardly a barrel of laughs!

I think sometimes and I'm including myself, we want to get the "perfect" gift for someone, more for our own gratification than the person actually receiving it.

Not contributing to the debate but Fuckingfacebook your neighbours sound shite - have you heard about Amazon lockers?

The trouble is that peoples' idea of what is 'thoughtful' varies hugely; my DH recently bought me something very generously for £50 (we have a shared bank account so I saw the value of the sale ) - yes, it was lovely but, and I know this sounds ungracious, there are many, many other things I would have chosen for £50.

Present giving to adults is a nightmare, I have a friend who prides herself on giving 'thoughtful' gifts - they always end up in a charity shop.

I would so much rather not exchange gifts between adults or at least be given a list so that you know you are spending your money on something that the person really wants.

Wrap the broken saucepan up and give it back this Christmas!

You sound lovely op and I would be pleased to receive a gift from you.

It's not about the money either, how hard is to nip to the local shop to get some chocolates or just sling them in your trolley when doing the weekly shop. A broken pan and lemon squeezer is not thoughtful at all. If its about budget then go to Wilkos and get a baking item or a face cream that's hardly breaking the bank. 99p can still show you have put some thought in as to the recipients hobbies or likes.

Scale down the gift giving op

YANBU. A thoughtful gift doesn't have to cost the earth and whatever way you look at it, a broken saucepan is a crap gift.

Thanks balloon I will have a look at that.

What I'm trying to say is that it's not JUST about the money - it's also about time and head space. I don't have time to trail town on a Saturday afternoon. I don't have the headspace to devote to thinking what would be the perfect gift for two nieces I've not seen in years.

I have stuff in my head that is more important TO ME so present thinking go by the wayside.

You buy someone books because "like reading". People but you items for the home because you're house proud. Both parties could be doing this with care and thought, but actually getting it wrong. I know lots of people who love reading, I can't think of one who would appreciate the short list.

I also think you sound lovely OP but would say that presents for adults are better off scrapped. We are grown ups. We don't need presents. Every year it upsets me how my parents spend over a hundred quid on me buying me lots of things which they genuinely think I will like most of which just aren't to my taste and end up at the back of the cupboard.

I have tried telling them just to buy for the DCs but they won't. Its literally like throwing their money away.

Just say "I'm just doing for the children this year, hope everyone understands" and leave it at that, no explanation, nothing more.

Some people do expect reciprocal value gifts and dont seem to get that others can't afford it.
My in laws are a point in question. I'll never for get the year they put a set of cut crystal glasses on the Christmas list. One cost 30 + pounds. They also had 4 dc we were expected to buy precise gifts for. We were struggling to eat week to week. Luckily that year our DD was 3, too young to care past the wrapping on a pack of crayons, a colouring book and some chocolate pennies. But I was nearly weeping on Christmas Day as they unwrapped that glass. I know we got some royal doulton china from them that year but seriously we had nothing to put on it to eat for the next two weeks, two months, heck I don't think we've used it more than twice in two decades!
The year we 'rebelled' bought nothing off the list ( which appeared end of Sept) and bought box of chocs instead was horrendous. People not speaking over lunch, faces like thunder, S'IL refusing to acknowledge DD's birthday a few months later, the words ungrateful bandied about.
I felt sorry for my DP. It was embarrassing. But strengthened our resolve. Now everyone gets a token present from us and we stay within budget. We do try to make it relevant to a current hobby or something thats happened in the year. They might think they're 'rubbish' but its what we can afford and we give them with a good heart so hope that shines through. It's about the getting together and spending time together surely?

Fuckingface I agree with you in that I would never expect a gift, or a perfect gift from someone who has children, works, I don't see often etc.

However I do think that for some people gift giving can be used for more malign purposes. I remember many a thoughtless gifts from my abusive mother over the years. Tops two sizes too big, tacky underwear that looked like something a stripper would wear etc. One year on a special birthday she shoved an unwrapped gift in my hand which was odd.

I know she had time to choose something or make the effort it wasn't about money.

But i'm digressing sorry!