aibu to be upset by thoughtless gifts?

[mumToOne33]

At Christmas and birthdays I buy extended family thoughtful gifts, often accompanied by a receipt in case they want to change it I've got it wrong for example a restaurant voucher for dm who loves eating out, the Man Booker prize shortlist for df who loves reading, the favourite brand of face cream for dmil. I also get everyone 'treats' like chocolates or nice toiletries from lush, that I know they like and use.

I know it's about giving, but in return I've received about two gifts in total each year, such as: a saucepan (not a brand, a random saucepan with a broken handle), a lemon squeezer on two occasions, a random shoe rack when I already have one, coat pegs (why???), a babycare book when I had a toddler. Aibu to be upset that I put time and effort into all their gifts and I get a broken saucepan in return? I had to use a screwdriver to fix the handle and even now it wobbles

I may make minimal effort this year and see how they like it.

This is one of the things that does my head in about Christmas, because it throws up all this angst and misery over presents - between ADULTS fgs.

OP some people enjoy and are great at choosing thoughtful presents and you are one of them. That's a great skill but the thing about presents is they should be given freely. It's not just thoughtful to choose an appropriate present, it's also thoughtful to live and let live. No one wants a present from someone who's going to pout because they don't feel adequately reciprocated.

I hate getting presents from my mum and from my MIL not because of what the present is (I really have no need for one, I wish we had a no present rule for adults because it's all such a PITA). But because they will then whine on about how much it cost to post or what a hassle it was to get, or in my mum's case, badger me for the next five years "where is that xxxx I gave you that you didn't want or ask for, do you use it, does it fit blah blah blah" making me want the ground to swallow me up.

My rule is if you can't give a present without CARING what the recipient does with it or whether they "pay you back" properly, then do't bother.

IMO people give shit presents at christmas because they are rushed, stressed, and/or broke and there is this stupid pressure to exchange pointless presents, that people seem to be so desperate not to let go of. I wish the government would just have done with it and pass a law saying only kids can get xmas presents.

I agree with most of what you said BigtoesofFrog! But pouting about not getting presents as well thought out as the OP does is a bit different to being upset about getting a broken pan and a lemon squeezer in your stocking..
Who gives presents like that??

'Why is the OP getting a hard time here?' Lol. Why? Because this is MN and one of the first roolz of mn engraved in stone is that You Shall Not Expect A Present or start threads about being disappointed in presents. It always makes me chuckle to see how people like to out-worthy each other about their lack of concern about such things. But I reckon they care alright in rl OP yadnbu. A broken saucapan is not a present I'd be too happy with either. Yes I do think you need to scale back your efforts and buy something nice for yourself instead.

Banan
It was a daft question....

[banana]
Sorry, my keyboard doesn't like the letter A this morning....

Mines packed up too. Return key is broken. (maybe we need new ones for Christmas) Maybe I can give my broken one as a present

OK the broken pan is crap. I'd be happy with the lemon squeezer myself!

I think some people give rubbish presents like this because they resent the pressure - "have to get xx something, she will get me something, erm erm this'll do - TICK!"

I had a friend like this, she had huge and complex networks of friends and family who all had to exchange presents, and she would go round TK Maxx buying nasty little candle holders, end-of line tights and the like, going "that's X ticked off, that's Y ticked off" etc.

Miserable and pointless. I think the solution is for the OP to suggest a no-present rule (or very small token maximum spend) for adults, and spend her money buying herself something nice.

I'm gonna have to be honest and say your presents may not be considered that thoughtful by the recipients of them either. Vouchers? The same face cream your MIL will already have a pot of in her bathroom? Generic boxes of Lush bath bombs?

I would not open any of those on Xmas day and thought that some one had gone out of their way for me on the present buying front.

OhMerGerd, your ILs have a Christmas list? Like a wedding list? Sorry, I'm about to be offensive, but that's fucking disgusting. So materialistic.

I know it sounds naff, but don't people like that realise no amount of presents are equal to someone choosing to spend time with you, enjoying your company and making you feel loved? Because that's what Christmas is about. And the materialism, the debt, the obsession with THINGS really makes me feel sad every Christmas. DH is worried about getting a gift for our nephew because he reckons it'll be hard to find something he won't just sneer at and throw on the floor. He is absolutely old enough to know better.

OP, your heart sounds like it's in the right place, and giving you a broken saucepan is, IMO, worse than giving you nothing, but I agree with everyone else who suggests just giving adults bottles of wine or chocolates. As adults, our values are different - we don't all feel the same way about Christmas/giving, so it's best to keep the whole thing neutral and fuss-free.

I'm an adult, I don't expect any gifts for Christmas at all and in return I also don't give any presents to adults. I only buy for my DC and a special one for DH because there are no other children in my family now. I'm not in the least offended by no presents and I would much rather have no presents than the tat people usually buy that gets shoved in a cupboard somewhere and is a total waste of money and resources.

You would save a lot of money, time and energy by just not buying them anything or by getting them something generic like a box of chocs. The broken saucepan is just ridiculous but if I were you I'd have a chuckle about it rather than feeling so upset. My cousin's mother (separated from my uncle when I was v.young) used to buy us really shit tacky gifts and it became the Christmas joke. One year she got my Dad a radio pen and we laughed for ages.

With regards to the poster with the in-laws list that's just awful, so glad you rebelled. DH's DB asked us to get him a camera our first Christmas with DC. DH was on minimum wage at the time and we barely had money to eat, I told him where to go.

OhMerGed

I know how you feel.

My DH's side of the family are to hung up about gifts and they make such a big deal every year. It is ridiculous see adults behaving that way.

And what is even worse is that they want to give lots of small crap-ish stuff (me not being related by blood always got the worse stuff like hand cream or bath sponge from pound land) among other few small tokens, but they give DH and DD really good gifts and obviously expect the same.

They are more worried about quantity than quality and I just don't understand why not to concentrate the money in one good gift rather than small packets of shit?

It is not natural for me to behave this way, so every year I got one nice present for each one of them but than I panic last minute and start buying lots of other small tokens to add to the pile...

Otherwise I know the passive-agressiviness will be unbearable.

This year so far I am certain I will stick to the plan. Already bought one expensive-ish gift them (MIL, FIL, SIL and BIL) on the region of £30 each and I am debating over getting one more token each.

I know they will think I am cheap, specially because they need to buy for 3 people (ME, DH and DD).

They also struggle with money all year round but on Christmas apparently you are expect to pretend to be someone else you aren't...

I have tried suggesting Secret Santa or presents only for DD or limiting presents at 1 per person but it does not work.

It is pathetic TBH.

Christmas got an awful lot easier in our family when we all agreed on presents for children only. We seem to have started a new tradition on the back of it, instead of presents we all buy a bottle of something alcoholic? meet at someone's house on Christmas Day and get drunk share the Christmas Spirit
My GMIL was a present buyer of the 'buy them something they already use' variety and I found it came in quite handy, she bought me the same very nice shower gel set every year as soon as she realised I genuinely did love the smell of it. It wasn't really something I would get the chance to buy for myself so I would stretch it out as long as possible as I knew I would get some more for Christmas. I was apparently the easiest person in the family to buy for
Strangely they stopped making it the year she passed away..

What about giving homemade gifts? You get the fun and enjoyment out of making something and then giving it, but theres little monetary value in it so you won't feel hard done by if you get nothing back in return.

I'll be buying my parents and dsis/bil something for xmas, probably something quite nice and expensive, but that's because they have/will be travelling quite a long way to see me, so I don't expect anything in return as I know they've spent time and petrol coming to see me.

I do agree with others that as an adult, you have to let expectations of christmas go at some point, otherwise it will breed unnecessary resentment especially if everything is hunkydory the rest of the year.

Or buy food gifts, a nice box of biscuits/chocs, they don't cost much but will get used, a bottle of wine.

And yes, save the rest for a nice pressie for yourself.

I try to buy thoughtful presents. I dont always get it right and sometimes run out of time/inspiration and get something a bit more generic or vouchers. I do not care about what people spend on me in return or whether they get me somethig particularly thoughtful or something generic/vouchers. I would care a bit though if someone bought me something positively thoughtless/crap like a broken saucepan or a book about babies when I no longer have babies. It is one thing to recognise people have different budgets and time constraints (and dont necessarily get the some pleasure out of choosing gifts). Fine. It is quite another thing though to get a present that indicates the buyer does not give a shit. I would rather get nothing than a present like that.
Best one in our family is that one year BIL bought MIL a CD. Cant remember what is was but not something that jumped out as being particularly to her taste. Anyway, she opened it to put it on and the CD was not in the box. Turned out BIL and SIL had played it at home first (and no doubt downloaded/recorded it) and failed to put it back. We all just laughed (MIL included) because it is quite typical BIL behaviour, although I do think MIL was probably a little hurt.

PS I would think restaurant vouchers or Booker shortlist to be thoughtful gifts in the circumstnaces you describe (I am assuming you know the person's taste in books). Last year my parents got me theatre vouchers which I really appreciated. I think it shows more thought than say M&S vouchers (which I would also be happy with)

The Booker Prize shortlist would be close to my ideal present

but I agree with most others, the OP's relatives and in-laws clearly don't want to be trading fairly expensive presents so don't bother. I only buy for children, and the adults I really can't avoid giving things to, but in my ideal world we'd only ever buy for children. And I would just buy myself the Booker shortlist because I'd rather have it than the sort of things people actually give me.

I really don't believe that Christmas is for children only, it's not supposed to be aimed at children - It's about family and has deeper meaning than buying the twins some Lego and making it all exciting for them.

I don't think OP is complaining about the monetary value, but about the lack of thought. I know, for instance, that my DB really likes Old Spice spray. It costs like £2.99 or something from Tesco, so I often get him a bottle as a little gift for Xmas. It's thoughtful because I know he likes it - I didn't just buy him a potato peeler or box of chocs or similar for the same value because they wouldn't make him happy in the same way.

YANBU OP.

(I might add that obviously it is lovely to get the kids all excited and make sure they have a really special day, just that this should not be the only purpose of Christmas.)

Indeed not everyone has children at all, like waltermitty says. DH and I are infertile, in our late 30s and struggling with the whole thing. We buy everyone else's children presents and get nothing in return because Christmas is, after all, for the children.

I get where you're coming from OP

"I do agree with others that as an adult, you have to let expectations of christmas go at some point, otherwise it will breed unnecessary resentment especially if everything is hunkydory the rest of the year."

That is we're set spending limits and giving each other gift lists to choose from, can work (it does in my family).

If money is limited, then why have someone buy something you wouldn't want, or vis versa, I hate to think that whilst I go without, I've had to spend money on something that someone may not want.

I have said this on another thread, but the reason why I didn't feel down about splitting up with my ex, was because it got me out of buying for his relatives, who all had triple the amount of disposable I come that I did. To them, buying me luxury bath sets might seem nice, but I can (and do) live without such items. I would rather have the money to buy myself what I want and make occasions about being together and enjoying ourselves.

There isn't any thought in putting another bottle or box of chocs in a supermarket shop, so I don't see the point of that, either, tbh.

I do think that we are all giving into the picture if Christmas painted by advertisers.

It was sim

Sorry, it was simpler when people didn't have disposable income and credit wasn't obtainable.

Agreed.

And I reiterate my wish to go to an uninhabited island fit the whole of next December. Anyone else? The rules - no present giving!

because Christmas is, after all, for the children.

Why?! Sorry, this is absolutely not true.

I KNOW! That's what they say! I couldn't agree less!

So irritating... Christmas is about family and friends, appreciating each other, looking back on the year just passed, and yada yada.

By all means the children should be more than involved in that, and made a fuss of because they are little and it's exciting, but it is not only about them. Not at all.