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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to be upset by thoughtless gifts?

127 replies

mumToOne33 · 27/11/2013 03:53

At Christmas and birthdays I buy extended family thoughtful gifts, often accompanied by a receipt in case they want to change it I've got it wrong for example a restaurant voucher for dm who loves eating out, the Man Booker prize shortlist for df who loves reading, the favourite brand of face cream for dmil. I also get everyone 'treats' like chocolates or nice toiletries from lush, that I know they like and use.

I know it's about giving, but in return I've received about two gifts in total each year, such as: a saucepan (not a brand, a random saucepan with a broken handle), a lemon squeezer on two occasions, a random shoe rack when I already have one, coat pegs (why???), a babycare book when I had a toddler. Aibu to be upset that I put time and effort into all their gifts and I get a broken saucepan in return? I had to use a screwdriver to fix the handle and even now it wobbles Confused

I may make minimal effort this year and see how they like it.

OP posts:
HesterShaw · 27/11/2013 15:29

Snowbility, well aren't you just so moral and perfect Hmm

Ps, you are very holier than thou about not wanting presents, even though you have presumably (?) read about other people's differing circumstances on this thread. And yet you insist on home made cards? Okaaaaaay.....

YouTheCat · 27/11/2013 15:40

Snow, that works fine if there is an agreement between the adults that they won't buy for each other. It doesn't sound like that is the case for the OP and so it is not relevant. If you don't want to be bothered that is fine and up to you but not everyone shares your view and that does not make them infantile. Hmm

She isn't 'making a fuss'. Sounds like the OP accepted the broken saucepan with good grace or why would she even attempt to fix it? Seems like the recipients enjoy the gifts that OP gives.

I do think she should stop bothering with these people though. They don't deserve much thought.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 27/11/2013 15:59

DipMe chocolate, gloves,scarves and slippers are all on my Christmas list this year! We are not able to spend on ourselves through the year so Christmas and birthdays are a lovely occasion to receive something we wouldn't justify buying for ourselves like Lush bath things instead of Aldi shower gel, a nice warm pair of slippers that aren't from Tesco...yes, we could spend our present money on ourselves and have a no-present rule for adults but it would be a lot less fun! And we still probably wouldn't buy the good stuff - it's easier to spoil others than yourself! I really don't get the joyless attitude (which I only ever see on here) that adults should be above the pleasure of exchanging gifts.

ShakeRattleNRoll · 27/11/2013 16:20

I got some horrid nylon socks once as a christmas presemt once and I felt my supposed friend really didn't care and the present reflected the amount of thought she had put into my present.Sad I don't bother with her now

Snowbility · 27/11/2013 17:06

Dh and the kids make me a card that takes probably the same length of time that it would take them to write on a Hallmark one - my expectations are not high, they just don't need to spend money in a card to wish me a Happy Birthday or Mother's Day - I'd rather have a glass of wine or a pint of beer!. Grin
I still feel the whole present thing is madness especially for adults and this thread has done nothing but reinforce that view.

ProfondoRosso · 27/11/2013 17:38

To stand up for Snowbility, I don't think she's being 'holier than thou.' My DM always insisted we make her and my DF presents when I was a child. Obviously she liked us making things, but we didn't have two red cents to rub together, so us asking for a fiver from my Dad to get my Mum a gift, and vice versa, wouldn't have been on.

And now they have two daughters with first class degrees from one of the most competitive art schools in the world! Grin

Seriously, though, it's easy to see why the present giving thing rankles with plenty of people, especially when you know what it's like to have no money. You think, OK, well I'm fine with not buying presents, I'll explain my situation and invite people round for dinner instead. But you wonder if the old man buying chocolates in Poundland feels like he has no choice, or he'll let people down. That really upsets me at this time of year.

usualsuspect · 27/11/2013 17:50

I always tell my grown up children not to buy me presents.

They do though,but I wouldn't care if they didn't

HesterShaw · 27/11/2013 18:11

Oh I'm totally with her on the present thing. It would be interesting if present giving was banned for a year, and see what the results were. As if.

Original poster
mumToOne33 · 27/11/2013 18:23

Sorry for taking so long to come back, was at work.

I am certainly not worried about the price of a present or being materialistic, I've never asked for an expensive gift. The relatives I was thinking of are not hard up. I do find it embarrassing on Xmas day to be given a broken saucepan or a baby manual when my child is older though. It implies the giver didn't care, of course I'd be very happy to receive chocolate or a generic gift ifsomeone had no time. Point taken about not making as much effort myself though, perhaps they secretly don't like my presents!

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 27/11/2013 18:26

They could just be tight-fisted twats though. Grin

lostthespark · 27/11/2013 18:30

Christmas is for kids first and foremost. Everyone else is just a side issue

^^ this

op yabu sorry

amicissimma · 27/11/2013 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flossieflower · 27/11/2013 18:47

We have the arrangement that I buy for the childless members of the family whereas they just buy for my children- works for us and feels more fair than just buying for the children. Most people do make suggestions of what they'd like (eg this year I got SIL some specific wine glasses that she'd asked for) but I'd rather do that than get her something she doesn't need or want. I don't think that spoils the Christmas spirit and I'd much rather that someone got me something I'd actually want than something just because they feel they should get me something!

GinOnTwoWheels · 27/11/2013 19:22

Why why why can't we talk about this honestly in person, instead of with strangers on the internet Sad.

I hate the whole charade with presents for adults, and it would seem I am not alone. I hate shopping, I hate the obligations to get people 'a present' and having to choose from stuff I wouldn't buy for myself. I hate overpackaged shite dressed up as 'gifts'.

If I want something, I buy it. I don't want to have to not buy it so I can use it as a suggestion of what I want for christmas when they ask. If I want a new watch/scarf/book, I want to choose it myself thank you very much.

I hate feeling guilty because I don't like the crap carefully chosen gift someone has bought for me. That is what most of the presents that I have ever received have meant to me, guilt.

And yet, every time I mention this to someone IRL, they think I am insane.

And 95% of the time, its just another obligation that falls mainly on women, men just rush into Boots at 3 pm on christmas eve and buy the first thing they see, on the way to the pub, job done.

I don't mind buying presents for nieces and nephews under about 16, even though I don't have any DCs of my own, but what I do mind is being expected to exchange boots gift sets with every other adult female of my family, even though I'm sure most of us don't actually want them.

redexpat · 27/11/2013 19:22

Go to www.5lovelanguages.com

I'm guessing that your language is acts of service because you really think about the presents you give, rather than just giving anything like your in laws do. You show love in this way, and you want to be shown lve in the same way, but that's not how your inlaws show and receive love.

FryOneFatManic · 27/11/2013 19:29

amicissimma A broken saucepan is no present for anyone, and just says that the giver is a selfish, thoughtless arsehole.

I try to give appropriate gifts, doesn't need to be expensive. In fact, this year on my birthday, Mum gave me a box of retro liquorice sweets. Wasn't expensive and she knows how much I love liquorice. I am 45 years old, but it's still an appropriate present.

And where is it written in law that Christmas is only for kids? All these people stating it as if it's a fact, when each family is different.

tyaca · 27/11/2013 21:33

Maybe they didn't notice the saucepan was broken? maybe it broke as they were wrapping it on xmas eve and didn't have a chance to get an alternative present? maybe they rarely use a lid when using a saucepan and figured it wasn't such a big deal..?

I don't mind a bit of literacy fiction but my Mum buys me the Booker Shortlist sometimes and I never read more than a couple of books from it. The rest are just another Charity Shop trip I have to make in my limited spare time. I would think anything from Lush was a bit thoughtless but I'd love a lemon squeezer, I really would.

tyaca · 27/11/2013 21:34

I capitalised charity shop

YouTheCat · 27/11/2013 23:36

Saucepans don't usually break so easily - even really cheap ones.

They've pulled that out of the kitchen cupboard because they hadn't bothered.

Cheesy123 · 28/11/2013 09:40

I have a profoundly deaf daughter twice she has received sing along CDs!

Upcycled · 28/11/2013 09:54

Gin

^^Why why why can't we talk about this honestly in person, instead of with strangers on the internet .

I hate the whole charade with presents for adults, and it would seem I am not alone. I hate shopping, I hate the obligations to get people 'a present' and having to choose from stuff I wouldn't buy for myself. I hate overpackaged shite dressed up as 'gifts'.

If I want something, I buy it. I don't want to have to not buy it so I can use it as a suggestion of what I want for christmas when they ask. If I want a new watch/scarf/book, I want to choose it myself thank you very much.

I hate feeling guilty because I don't like the crap carefully chosen gift someone has bought for me. That is what most of the presents that I have ever received have meant to me, guilt.

And yet, every time I mention this to someone IRL, they think I am insane.^^

This exactly what I think but the adults in my H's side of my family complete disagree. They think I am loon. And I hate having to smile and pretend I love the Dove deodorant they give me because they all stop and WATCH you open your presents and you have to give them a reaction. It is Christmas so you better gibe them a GOOD reaction.

BigToesofFrog · 28/11/2013 10:43

This is exactly what I hate too! I hate being watched while opening a present - even a nice present in fact - because I feel so stressed.

I do like it if it's a surprise and a one-off e.g. a friend arrives and says ta-daa! I brought champagne! or something. When I was in hospital with newborn DS lots of people brought flowers and baby presents, which was of course lovely of them, but one friend came with the most incredibly posh box of fantastic chocs, just for me. That is my idea of a present. Unexpected, special, and no expectations attached. I try to do that for other people too.

Otherwise it is hard work... and so of course Christmas is especially hard because it's blah presents and uncomfortable expectations multiplied many times over.

What I do see from this thread though is that there's a huge range of different feelings about it and so sadly there probably isn't a solution to christmas. One person's misery at the thought of opening dozens of presents in full view of an audience, is another person's joy and excitement.

Ghostsgowoooh · 28/11/2013 11:02

At least you got something for christmas. I got fuck all last year. My children bought for their dads side including new stepmum and I had nothing from anyone on xmas day.

Now that is shitty

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 28/11/2013 13:04

Yabu if you expect them to spend the same amount of m

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 28/11/2013 13:07

Money on you as you do on them. However I do t think that's why you're annoyed so yanbu to expect people to put slightly more thought into it than a broken saucepan (wtaf?!). Yes Xmas is for kids and people are busy. But surely choccies, Xmas biscuits, wine, etc are easy and can be cheap (pound shop, aldi etc or just buying on offer)