aibu to be upset by thoughtless gifts?

[mumToOne33]

At Christmas and birthdays I buy extended family thoughtful gifts, often accompanied by a receipt in case they want to change it I've got it wrong for example a restaurant voucher for dm who loves eating out, the Man Booker prize shortlist for df who loves reading, the favourite brand of face cream for dmil. I also get everyone 'treats' like chocolates or nice toiletries from lush, that I know they like and use.

I know it's about giving, but in return I've received about two gifts in total each year, such as: a saucepan (not a brand, a random saucepan with a broken handle), a lemon squeezer on two occasions, a random shoe rack when I already have one, coat pegs (why???), a babycare book when I had a toddler. Aibu to be upset that I put time and effort into all their gifts and I get a broken saucepan in return? I had to use a screwdriver to fix the handle and even now it wobbles

I may make minimal effort this year and see how they like it.

We buy everyone else's children presents and get nothing in return because Christmas is, after all, for the children

I think that's really awful for you Hester

Sad isn't it? And nothing yells "you're infertile!"
more than watching nephews and nieces rip off wrapping paper.

Christmas should be for everyone.

Back to the op....

I don't get it.

I buy adult presents from my children (ie godparents etc) some years we were utterly skint but nobody minded! I still made an effort to get something, even if I only had €10 to spend!

I don't agree that Christmas is just for children, or that adults shouldn't get presents. On my side of the family I have one DC and another on the way but my two siblings have none yet. It would seem a bit unfair for everyone to buy for our DC and receive nothing for their part of the family, and for us not to give presents to anyone bar our own DC.

YABU, a little bit

I am a SAHM,

I do not drive,

I have barely enough money to cover the kids presents.

I get people chocs/wine and shiz.

I don't think it's only about children at all. Adults can enjoy the festivities, the parties, the twinkly lights, the rituals and the fab food and drink, without having to feel forced to give each other bath sets.

But I am sorry for what you have to go through Hester and I hope if I was in your family I would see that it would be appropriate to give you something thoughtful.

Totally agreed OP. I spend ages choosing presents for everyone and start early in the year- buying when I see presents for people rather than waiting until Christmas time then spending more than I wanted on tat no-one wants! I love it when you find the perfect presents for people. My family have always given thoughtful and lovely presents (dads gift to me of a multimeter one year, aside...) so it always makes me want to reciprocate.

You can buy something thoughtful for pretty much any money it just takes some effort. I always make some jam to give away to people who I know like it, and last year I made decongestion shower fizzers and hot chocolate spoons though making things isn't always cheaper than buying! I'd tone down your present giving a bit if it's making you cross. Even if the presents you give aren't always just what the person wanted they'll still be able to see you put some thought into it. A broken saucepan and lemon juicers are not thoughtful gifts.

You sound lovely, feel free to buy me presents

YANBU to be disappointed but YABU to blame thoughtlessness/ meanness.
Some people just aren't good at this. My OH, for example, spends ages choosing stuff for me and rarely, very rarely does he give me something which I really love unless I have straight out told him what I want. He's the same with his children: can get them what they ask for but is unable to extrapolate from this to what else might please them.

one year my sil bought me a washing up brush!

Yabu, some people take gifts far too seriously.

Not worth spending so much time, going through all the anguish, for what?

If people give you crap gifts, great, you can do them crap gifts next year, easy, lets you off the hook.

So few people enjoy looking for "thoughtful" "special" gifts I wonder why they make themselves do it.

Most men don't. Just sayin.

www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/men-begin-idly-browsing-amazon-2013112581396

True momb. Don't think anyone can really believe a broken saucepan or a lemon squeezer are great gifts though!

I always make some jam to give away to people who I know like it - but how do you know your friends like home made jam? One of my friends makes preserves and gave me some, of course I said 'thank you, how nice' and now I get given some every birthday and Christmas . I don't really like it that much but will probably receive it for the next few years.

My best present recently was a dustbin.

We have cut out presents between adults - so much simpler - we enjoy having a meal out together, theatre trip, something like that.

*So irritating... Christmas is about family and friends, appreciating each other, looking back on the year just passed, and yada yada.

By all means the children should be more than involved in that, and made a fuss of because they are little and it's exciting, but it is not only about them. Not at all.*

This, from Tiffany.

And Hester, .

I think the problem is not so much Christmas being about children (I don't have any children and love Christmas Eve dinner with my DH, then a lovely day spent watching crap on the telly with my family the next day). The problem is Christmas being about materialism and presents. It's the most fucking depressing time of the year for some of us, who may be skint, lonely or suffering in some way.

I think making people feel welcome and loved is the key. Don't focus the whole day around presents, the big reveal and the thoughtfulness of gifts.

I kind of admire the Americans with Thanksgiving for this - a day that is probably their biggest holiday, where it's not about gifts, but sharing food, coming together and, in many situations, saying what you're thankful for.

My DH gives incredibly thoughtful presents to all and sundry, really goes to a huge effort. Last year, he gave his DB something totally personal and unique - DB liked it, but set a cup of coffee on it within minutes. DB gave DH a calendar. DH felt hurt, because he had gone to so much effort and, while I sympathised, I could only think that perhaps he should streamline his gift-buying and only focus such intense love and care on those closest to him. Because you can't guarantee that someone who you're close to, but not massively, will reciprocate.

But then all of this wouldn't be such a minefield if presents weren't seen as such a huge deal.

Mum isn't expecting equivalent value gifts, just the same amount of thought. I hate the waste involved at Xmas, and would be thrilled to receive nothing rather than some of the pap I have to lug home. And Gerd, I'm impressed that you manage to enjoy time with your ILs.

Profound - I agree that the American Thanksgiving celebration is a lovely occasion.

Christmas can be a deeply depressing time for many people and you are right to mention this. The best times I have ever had at Christmas is volunteering at homeless shelters/Church lunches etc - that sort of thing. My DS has helped at these too, even when he was very young, and seeing the old folks' faces light up when a young child comes into the room & chats to them is worth so much more than all the tacky gifts you can think of. .

That is such a great thing for you and your DS to have done, Ragwort. The homeless and elderly are especially vulnerable this time of year. You've made me think I might look into doing some volunteering myself this Christmas.

Just think, your DS probably won't remember what toys he received every year, but I'm sure he'll remember helping you out at these places.

I don't get the 'it's just for children' attitude.

I have 2 brothers, both married and both childless and likely to remain that way. They have always been really generous towards me and my kids and I'd feel bloody awful if I didn't bother reciprocating just because they have no kids.

People who moan about presents they receive always sound childish, spoilt and entitled.

If gift-giving is viewed as a transaction of any kind then it's completely missed the point and will cause offence at some point IMO

I don't think it's morally bankrupt to feel a bit let down when someone gives you a broken saucepan for Christmas, tyaca, as happened in the OP's case. My DH goes to extremes to get deeply personal presents for his family and that level of thought is rarely reciprocated, and I feel bad for him. But I wouldn't get upset about a Christmas present, and I think it's a real symptom of something wrong in society that people do get upset. It's an indication that we need to step back and look at the weight we give to giving and receiving.

I'd be way more upset if I was left out of a big Christmas gathering of family because someone had forgotten about me, or thought I wouldn't mind as I don't have children.

All the adults in our families are married with kids - no one feels isolated by the lack of gifts. Tbh not only do I think Christmas is for kids but Birthdays are the same. I just don't get adults making a big fuss over presents, if I need something I buy it and I don't rely on gifts from anyone to make me feel special. I won't accept cards from my immediate family unless they are homemade, a4 paper, stick figures are perfectly acceptable and have a blanket ban on mother's day gifts - cooking me dinner is very welcome though.

There was a time when people had a lot less and gifts meant something because you couldn't afford to buy it yourself - that time has long past for many of us. I can't help but feel there is something infantile about adults insisting on presents.

I hear your pain OP and have become more disheartened to be bothered to seek out stuff people want. DM is great at buying terrible gifts, on my 18th I got a house phone a couple of years ago on my birthday, I received an umbrella! Now I buy myself nice gifts (from the kids) and put them under the tree, everyone else is getting chocolates, scarves, gloves and slippers.

Rag, of course you can never be 100% sure that they like it but that's true of any gift. You can usually tell though, if you know they eat jam, and if when you've given it before and then seen the jar empty out then it's usually a good indication!

And anyway, it's back to the idea of it being thoughtful presents which is the idea. I don't eat jam on bread but if someone give some to me which they've made then that's great! I put it in cakes.