Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

aibu to be upset by thoughtless gifts?

127 replies

mumToOne33 · 27/11/2013 03:53

At Christmas and birthdays I buy extended family thoughtful gifts, often accompanied by a receipt in case they want to change it I've got it wrong for example a restaurant voucher for dm who loves eating out, the Man Booker prize shortlist for df who loves reading, the favourite brand of face cream for dmil. I also get everyone 'treats' like chocolates or nice toiletries from lush, that I know they like and use.

I know it's about giving, but in return I've received about two gifts in total each year, such as: a saucepan (not a brand, a random saucepan with a broken handle), a lemon squeezer on two occasions, a random shoe rack when I already have one, coat pegs (why???), a babycare book when I had a toddler. Aibu to be upset that I put time and effort into all their gifts and I get a broken saucepan in return? I had to use a screwdriver to fix the handle and even now it wobbles

I may make minimal effort this year and see how they like it.

OP posts:

YouAreMyRain · 27/11/2013 07:24

Give purely for the pleasure of giving, without expecting anything in return and you will be fine.

The problem here is your belief and expectation that others should put the same time and thought into your gifts as you do into theirs.

They won't. It's important to you, that doesn't make it important to them.

People show love in different ways, you are expressing it materially with gifts, but then judging and measuring their material responses in their gifts to you. You are setting yourself up for disappointment.

Give freely and for the sake and pleasure of giving. You will enjoy it more.

MackerelOfFact · 27/11/2013 07:25

You might see your gifts as thoughtful, but equally you can buy novels, face cream and restaurant vouchers from the supermarket so it might not necessarily have looked like you put any special effort into it. You can't always tell how long someone spent choosing something, especially if the gift doesn't quite hit the spot for the recipient.

YouTheCat · 27/11/2013 07:31

I don't believe this is about the monetary value of gifts. It is about a small amount of thought. I don't care how much time people don't have, a broken saucepan is just an utterly crap, and fucking bizarre, gift. They might as well not have bothered at all.

OP, buy everyone one of the thoughtless gits wine/chocs. Take all that thought and time out of it.

Snowbility · 27/11/2013 07:33

OP you are not unreasonable to want people to put thought into a gift for you but all this gift buying just become a complete drag. I used to get frustrated by how empty it all started to feel - buying gifts for nieces and nephews that I rarely saw. I have managed to scale it down to secret Santa gifts - that was a task and a half because my sister said she loved her kids getting a huge number if gifts by post and was quite upset - funnily enough the gifts she sent my dcs were always dull - like she bulk bought the same gift for them all - just in different colours.
Scale back as many gifts as you can, we have only ever bought adult gifts for my parents, people these days want for nothing so it's hard to buy something truly special. There's nothing lovely about unwrapping a pile of crap presents that could have been bought for anyone - why are we all still falling for this crap!
Christmas has a tendency to become one big massive pain in the butt, everyone wants it to be magical, filled with good cheer and extended happy family times, we're sold on the whole marketing job done on Christmas but the reality can be pretty grim - I think the Grumpy Old Woman's guide to Christmas says it all for me. The more scaled back Christmas becomes the more I resemble a human being on Christmas Eve and everyone seems to actually enjoy it a lot more.

usualsuspect · 27/11/2013 07:34

Wine and chocolates for adults.

No stress.

usualsuspect · 27/11/2013 07:37

I hate these moaning about presents threads.

NutcrackerFairy · 27/11/2013 07:37

OhMergerd that's awful!

You must find Christmas a very stressful affair and that it is just terrible, your in laws sound spoiled, petulant and rude.

Not the spirit of Christmas at all!

In my family we don't generally buy for adults or if we do it is a token/small/inexpensive gift. Children do get bought for but could receive a £5 gift or a £20 gift, there is no expectation of a particular gift or prescribed amount to be spent.

I think it is important that a Christmas gift is thoughtful and relevant to the person receiving it. But ridiculous to spend a big amount, go into debt or have no money for bills and food after buying presents.

If I were you [OhMerGerd that is] I would also stick to my guns and buy a small thoughtful token for in laws and ignore grabby present list that comes out in September [how rude, do people seriously do this?!?]

Oh and OP YANBU... but it does sound like you spend an awful lot of time and money on Christmas presents.... maybe your friends and family do value you but have no inclination to put the same amount into their present shopping for you?

Snowbility · 27/11/2013 07:39

But why even bother with wine and chocs? Seems madness to me, no thought attached, end up with lots of chocs you don't like, cheap wine you don't drink....why don't we just get rid of the facade.

Munxx · 27/11/2013 07:41

OP you sound lovely. I used to get upset too, but now I just buy token gifts.

I continue to put extra care and thought into birthday presents though. I also buy people bits and pieces through the year if I see something they'd like, for example some face cream when my Mum has helped out (yet again) with my children!

I hope you get some nice presents this year. Yes, the present giving is mostly for children but is is nice to get something exciting to open!

usualsuspect · 27/11/2013 07:43

I've never been upset by a present.

I couldn't care less what anyone buys me.

usualsuspect · 27/11/2013 07:46

I.mean I appreciate anyone buying me anything.

It's not important to me to receive expensive gifts.

YouTheCat · 27/11/2013 07:50

I don't think OP is even on about expensive gifts. But clothes pegs and random stuff that has been dragged out of the back of a cupboard really isn't a gift - it's just an 'oops we forgot to get Mumtoo anything, this'll do' thing.

Snowbility · 27/11/2013 07:55

I think it's hard not to be upset by thoughtless gifts....what's the point? If people have the attitude of that gift will do rightly, clothes pegs ffs...it's not exactly I the spirit of things. Best to put an end to it because you are not having fun and the people you are buying for don't seem to enjoy putting the same thought in. This doesn't mean they don't care - Christmas shopping has many opponents from the time poor, financially poor and those who despise shopping - none of that reflects personally on you OP.

YouTheCat · 27/11/2013 08:00

Get your dh to buy for his family and half the problem.

struggling100 · 27/11/2013 08:13

I don't think this is about the OP being materialistic, but about love and care.

People show love in different ways. For you, it's buying thoughtful presents, that you carefully select. However, the fact that others are not showing their love for you in the same way does not mean that they do not care! They may just express it differently. So don't feel hurt if your thoughtfulness isn't reciprocated in the same way. Perhaps these people are giving to you in other ways. If not, then maybe it's time to reevaluate some friendships...

spindlyspindler · 27/11/2013 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadAsFish · 27/11/2013 08:25

This, that YouTheCat, said.
It's not about things being expensive, it's about showing that they thought about you in what they chose.
When I've been (relatively speaking) really broke, I've baked or made stuff for presents. Jam, biscuits, little cakes.

expatinscotland · 27/11/2013 08:28

Mummy, stop buying presents for anyone but kids and use the money to treat yourself and your family to something nice.

nancerama · 27/11/2013 08:39

Several decades ago, my aunt must have bought a job lot of knock off slipper socks with the sticky bits on the soles. All of us get a pair every year for birthday and for Christmas and have done for as long as I remember. They are so ancient that the sticky bits have perished and now act in the manner of a piece of chewing gum that has been left out in the sun.

We should be offended by her thoughtless gift, but instead DM and I like to stick ourselves to the kitchen floor while we fall about helpless with laughter.

I have intended to inform her that Christmas is for kids and not to waste her money on presents for me, but what would the poor lady do with the rest of the socks?

DeckSwabber · 27/11/2013 09:04

YANBU to be a bit upset. It sounds like your family don't reciprocate the thoughtfulness (and a broken saucepan is a crap gift by anyone's standards).

I think you just need to make a decision. Buy nice thoughtful presents because it makes YOU happy to do so, or ask them where they shop for their imaginative presents and do the same.

waltermittymissus · 27/11/2013 09:10

Jeez calm down folks I don't think this reads as being amount the money at all!

OP I would stop bothering. Few bottles of wine and tins of roses. If you don't make the effort, you won't mind as much about them not! :)

SomethingkindaOod · 27/11/2013 09:20

Why is the OP getting a hard time here? I would be mightily pissed off with getting a broken pan as a present and would quite frankly stop bothering buying presents for the thoughtless sods at all. It smacks of 'oh it's only mumtoone any old shit will do'.
YANBU to be upset but YABU to carry on buying them presents. Treat yourself or your DC's to something nice instead.

SirRaymondClench · 27/11/2013 09:28

I wish you were in my family op.
I would love to receive a well thought out gift for Christmas...
I would buy you a lovely gift too like I try to do for everyone in my family.
And for those that think Christmas and birthdays are just for kids, does that apply to joy, happiness, laughing too? I love getting presents and look forward to it (always disappointed though) I don't think there is ever an age limit on treating someone you love and if there is, there fucking shouldn't be!

waltermittymissus · 27/11/2013 09:29

Also, not all families have small children!

daisychain01 · 27/11/2013 09:31

I'm doing what John Lewis tells me and buying everyone [job-lot] alarm-clocks, all in different colours

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6