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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

not to kiss DP when he has a cold sore - he has just stormed out.

125 replies

DoingItForMyself · 26/11/2013 00:49

DP has had a cold sore for a few days, I've tried to avoid kissing him on the lips (we are usually very affectionate so it has been difficult!) but a few times he has forgotten and kissed me. He says they are not contagious once they scab over, NHS says differently.

I feel bad for mentioning it, but I really don't want to start getting them at my age having gone through life unscathed so far!

Today I bought him some of those Compeed patches, sent him a message at lunchtime about something else and mentioned at the end that I'd bought them "so I can kiss you later xx"

He has seen them in the shopping bag, used other things from the same bag but not used the patches. Come bed time he asked if I was up for sexy time, I said "it's weird not being able to kiss you though" and he just 'hmm'ed and then rubbed it with his fingers.

I said that I was also anxious that he kept touching it and would spread the virus to my bits, that perhaps he could wash his hands.

He got really shirty about it, going on about how he'd been really nice to me this evening (I'm a bit stressed about work/money) and this is how I react. He started packing up his stuff and said he was going, I told him he was being ridiculous and he told me to shut the fuck up.

He said he'd come back when his cold sore had gone. I replied that someone who tells me to STFU may not be welcome, cold sore or not.

So basically, am I BU to worry about catching them? Should I have just let him kiss me, use his hands on my nether regions and said nothing so as not to upset him. Or AIBU to stick with a boyfriend who thinks its acceptable to tell me to shut the fuck up?

OP posts:
steff13 · 26/11/2013 00:55

You can catch it whether he has an active sore or not. In fact, you could already have the virus, and just not have had any symptoms.

That said, I would not be comfortable letting him touch my girly parts after he had been rubbing his fingers all over a cold sore. I might not be too anxious to kiss him, either. And I would certainly not be comfortable with a man who told me to STFU.

NoComet · 26/11/2013 00:55

YANBU I get them a lot, they hurt! and look horrible.

I try not to kiss DH, he doesn't care and in 25 years hasn't caught them. It's not fair!

livingmydream612 · 26/11/2013 00:56

YANBU i think he is selfish not caring whether u catch it! One the virus is in your system u can never get rid of it!!! My dd1 has recently caught a coldsore fromher gran and I am livid she was told firmly not to kiss dd. She clearly has. My dh and I have never has coldsorea either. Tell him to google it... Especially genital herpes etc they all say not to touch coldsore/hygiene etc,

lookatmybutt · 26/11/2013 00:57

I think you should tell him to go fuck himself and not come back. You're right about the contagiousness and his complete lack of compromise plus aggression over something so minor just screams run away now.

Motherinlawsdung · 26/11/2013 01:04

Stupid, unhygienic, rude, ill-informed and inconsiderate behaviour from him. Show him the door, it will only get worse.

miniandfloss · 26/11/2013 01:11

YANBU my friend now has genital herpes after letting her boyfriend kiss etc... when having a cold sore. Everytime she has any examination she has to make it known which is highly embarrassing for her but she finds the worst thing the painful outbreak of sores she gets.

I'm a regular cold sore sufferer and my dp knows I will not kiss or touch him during this time to reduce the risk of passing on. They are horribly painful so would not want anyone else to have them with me being the cause.

I think the way he has reacted is awful especially telling you to STFU and leaving and that just shows how nasty and uncaring he is. I don't usually post on here (just a lurker) but this made me so angry.and you are definitely not in the wrong.

BrianTheMole · 26/11/2013 01:13

You're not wrong. Selfish shitty behaviour.

DoingItForMyself · 26/11/2013 01:13

In fairness, he is on medication which can make him a bit arsey, so I was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt because of that (until the STFU, which was totally out of order, along with a reference to me being unreasonable because I'm 'on the blob', which I'm not, but hey, lets not let facts get in the way of a rant)

He said I'd been rude in the way I'd asked him to wash his hands. He said he's not one of the kids and I was patronising. I thought I was pretty neutral about it, there's no way he was going to do it without me asking him and he'd had all evening to decide to use the fucking patches himself.

OP posts:
DoingItForMyself · 26/11/2013 01:14

thanks all, I felt that I'd over-reacted but especially your post mini has made me really glad that I prioritised my health over his pride.

OP posts:
HicDraconis · 26/11/2013 01:16

You can definitely transfer active oral herpes to genital areas - he's risking your sexual health. And you don't mention ages but active genital herpes (aside from being hugely painful) is a reason for elective CS rather than vaginal delivery - so he's risking all of the implications of that too.

I agree with you. He shouldn't be touching it and then you, he shouldn't kiss you with an active sore and anyone who told me to stfu would also not be welcome back.

sunbathe · 26/11/2013 01:17

I would have reacted similarly to you. Why risk passing it on?

My mum had a coldsore once and told me her GP had said it was ok for her to kiss the kids while she had it!

I made her wait until it had gone. As I said, why risk it?

missingmumxox · 26/11/2013 01:17

None of my family have herpes as my Gran
90 odd years ago banned kissing babies, turns out so did dhs family did as well.
I once saw a case of gentile herpes in a young women which was the stuff if medical text books, absolutely covered it spread down her legs, she was having the entire area cut away and then had to undergo skin grafting.
So no YANBU

Terrortree · 26/11/2013 01:27

Yes and no, I believe. It's spouted that 90% of the population have the herpes simplex virus (I), but only 10% show symptoms. I get cold sores, and never kiss my husband (or more) when I have a sore. Even at the healing, less painful stage, it's just not worth taking the risk - why would I do that to someone who I really value in my life? And even though, statistically speaking he may already be infected.

However, the virus you get down there (hsv II) is slightly different. From what I've been told the two are not the same, although they have similar symptoms. You get II below, and I above. There is little risk of cross transfer.

But that's only what I've been told. I'm certainly not remotely close to a medical practitioner so do check what I've said is factually correct.

Mind you, as much as my husband would like a bit of the 'intimate chat' (wink wink), if I have a cold sore and decline for that reason, he understands. Ergo, your husband is being an arse.

HicDraconis · 26/11/2013 03:38

You're correct that HSV1 is the usual cause of oral herpes and HSV2, genital. However, HSV1 can also cause genital herpes, it is transferred with oral contact and can be transferred without an active oral lesion (although more likely with one).

Why would you take the risk?

(Am a qualified medic)

hollowhallows · 26/11/2013 03:54

Some time ago there was a thread on here started by a mother who was upset that a member of staff at her child's nursery was at work while suffering with a cold sore.

She was told by almost all posters that she was unreasonable and making a big fuss. On this thread there seems to be the opposite attitude about how contagious cold sores are and how big a deal exposure is.

I just find this very strange.

hollowhallows · 26/11/2013 03:57

Not meaning to deviate OP, my apologies. Am just so baffled i posted without considering.

In answer to OP, he is U and inconsiderate.

HicDraconis · 26/11/2013 03:57

I would hope that the member of staff at the nursery wasn't kissing the children, had an appropriate cover for the sore and certainly wasn't picking at it and then changing nappies without copious hand washing. It's contact spread.

If said nursery carer was smothering the children in kisses with an active cold sore I'd have been extremely annoyed had I been a parent.

Jinty64 · 26/11/2013 04:33

If I had a day off work every time I had a cold sore I would be off more than I was there and ds2 is worse than me! I would not kiss dh whilst I have one though.

MistressDeeCee · 26/11/2013 06:52

wtf is he being so awkward for?
He saw the Compeed, but purposely avoided using it?
Expects you to kiss his scabby coldsore, + feel all sexy with his hands all over you including intimate bits, after he's rubbed his coldsore with his fingers?

This is inconsiderate to the point of weirdness..as if, he wants you to catch cold sores. Crazy. Sorry I wouldnt even want to know his reasoning behind it, he'd have to piss off he's too insensitive for words. Put yourself first OP, his priorities arent right.

ZillionChocolate · 26/11/2013 06:59

What medication makes you arsey?

HIBU. My DH is very thorough about hygiene and not kissing etc to try to avoid passing on a cold, let alone a cold sore.

rememberingnothing · 26/11/2013 07:01

I get cold sores. I don't kiss DH on his mouth or anywhere else. He doesn't suffer any symptoms of cold sores and I would like to keep it that way.

Anyone who has them know they are sore and unattractive. Why would you risk giving them to someone you care about unless you are extraordinarily selfish?

YANBU

schokolade · 26/11/2013 07:05

We have a similar situation OP, and DH is totally in agreement that he will not kiss or more during an outbreak.

Probably helps that we both work in infectious disease so any bullshit about it not being spread just wouldn't fly.

LindyHemming · 26/11/2013 07:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GetOrfOhSodOff · 26/11/2013 07:10

God he is being an arse.

I get cold sores and I have always been scrupulous around dd as, bloody hell, cold sores are HORRIBLE and you really don't want your loved ones to catch the virus. She hasn't thankfully.

They don't last forever, surely he can hold off kissing you for a week or so. You can kiss him on the cheek. Silly sod for storming off. He is being unfair.

ICameOnTheJitney · 26/11/2013 07:13

Yabu if you've not got one yet then you're probably immune. I'm 40....I have never had one....DH gets them...I kiss him...he's never passed it on.