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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

not to kiss DP when he has a cold sore - he has just stormed out.

125 replies

DoingItForMyself · 26/11/2013 00:49

DP has had a cold sore for a few days, I've tried to avoid kissing him on the lips (we are usually very affectionate so it has been difficult!) but a few times he has forgotten and kissed me. He says they are not contagious once they scab over, NHS says differently.

I feel bad for mentioning it, but I really don't want to start getting them at my age having gone through life unscathed so far!

Today I bought him some of those Compeed patches, sent him a message at lunchtime about something else and mentioned at the end that I'd bought them "so I can kiss you later xx"

He has seen them in the shopping bag, used other things from the same bag but not used the patches. Come bed time he asked if I was up for sexy time, I said "it's weird not being able to kiss you though" and he just 'hmm'ed and then rubbed it with his fingers.

I said that I was also anxious that he kept touching it and would spread the virus to my bits, that perhaps he could wash his hands.

He got really shirty about it, going on about how he'd been really nice to me this evening (I'm a bit stressed about work/money) and this is how I react. He started packing up his stuff and said he was going, I told him he was being ridiculous and he told me to shut the fuck up.

He said he'd come back when his cold sore had gone. I replied that someone who tells me to STFU may not be welcome, cold sore or not.

So basically, am I BU to worry about catching them? Should I have just let him kiss me, use his hands on my nether regions and said nothing so as not to upset him. Or AIBU to stick with a boyfriend who thinks its acceptable to tell me to shut the fuck up?

OP posts:
Fakebook · 26/11/2013 12:16

Up for sexy time? Confused. You should leave him for using that phrase alone. Bleurgh.

randomAXEofkindness · 26/11/2013 12:32

I'm sorry op, but telling your partner to "shut the fuck up" is NOT normal behavior. He might be good to you sometimes, but sometimes isn't enough. He should be respectful ALL of the time - even when he's pissed off. You don't need him.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 26/11/2013 12:33

I've never met this bloke, yet I can't Fucking stand him

OddFodd · 26/11/2013 12:33

" He told me early on that he's a bit selfish, that he's lazy and has been called arrogant etc. "

Some wise woman on here once said that when a man tells you who he is, listen.

I think it's time to say goodbye to this man. He's not going to get better, he's going to get worse.

SomethingkindaOod · 26/11/2013 13:31

Cold sores and socks aside, if he's making you start to empathise with your Ex then maybe it's time to have a rethink about the relationship...

lottiegarbanzo · 26/11/2013 14:29

Btw, if you still think you might want to hold onto him, I'd be making the point, very clearly, that having to act like an adult's Mum is not sexy - because you don't find children sexually attractive!

If he wants some 'sexy time' he'll need to act like an attractive adult.

Is he going to grow up and try harder to impress you, or is impressing you not on his to do list?

I'd just add that when I read your OP, the image in my mind was of an immature 22 year old, still half-teenager. If he's over 25 you have an uphill struggle and if over 30, with other serious relationships behind him, I'm not sure he's going to be interested in changing.

Sorelip · 26/11/2013 14:38

I'm afraid my name is relevant OP, when I signed up I had a coldsore the size of a baby's head on my top lip. Since I found out they existed, I've used patches to cover up the now occasional outbreaks. I hadn't heard of lysine until this thread, so I'll get some just in case.

You deserve so much more than this man.

squoosh · 26/11/2013 14:40

Have you tried one of these Sorelip. I don't suffer from coldsores but a friend does and swears by this machine.

FanjoLikeChoppedLiver · 26/11/2013 14:44

Speaking as someone who got genital herpes from oral sex with a partner who had cold sores (we stupidly didn't realise they were cold sores because they weren't on his mouth, idiots that we were) I would say YANBU to ask him to come nowhere near you

Of course you may already have the virus but be symptomless but I wouldn't risk is as it's probably the most painful thing I've ever experienced. Including childbirth.

As for the storming out and swearing at you. Well that's a whole new thread isn't it. He sounds utterly charming!

CaptainTripps · 26/11/2013 14:46

Has anyone told you to LTB yet?

Telling someone to stfu is beyond acceptable. and this shows a stunning and casual disregard for you.

He sounds like a charmer. A real horrible man. Yuck.

You sound like you are making excuses for him: 'he can be arsey...' (he bloody well is being arsey. No can about it) and 'In fairness...overly sensitive due to his meds' and 'It's all just a bit disrespectful and childish I know..'. You sound like you are making excuses for him.

This will not give you a loving and fulfilling lifelong love.

BitOutOfPractice · 26/11/2013 14:47

Gosh he's a bundle of loveliness isn't he?

mitchsta · 26/11/2013 14:58

My DP gets them and won't go near me if he has one. It's a bit weird/annoying but I know he's just being careful. Your OH is being a knob.

DoingItForMyself · 26/11/2013 16:15

Captain, I know what you're saying, for me the cold sore became almost irrelevant the moment he uttered those words, but then I suppose me telling him he was being ridiculous could be seen as insulting him or belittling him, couldn't it?

He won't understand why STFU is so much worse. My dilemma is whether to bother explaining why it is so much worse and allow it to pass as 'roid rage' or to just walk away.

OP posts:
ccsays · 26/11/2013 17:08

Hmmm, from what you've said it sounds like that's one thing on the list of little instances of arseholery. Laughing about the way he used to purposely wind up his ex is particularly telling, she must be thrilled to be shot of him.

You sound as if you've got your head screwed on and a pretty perceptibe about his faults, so my advice would be what would you say to a friend in the same position?

Also, without wanting to offend, is it possible that this boyfriend is a little bit of a rebound relationship? You talk about him being so unlike your ex. Is it possible that this is clouding your judgement a bit?

DoingItForMyself · 26/11/2013 17:13

I know exactly what I would say to a friend, pretty much what everyone here has said, but then this is a very specific snapshot of him at his very worst and me at my most lucid!

Nobosy else has seen the way he is when he's lovely or how happy I've been for 95% of the last year. Food for thought though.

OP posts:
MummyPig24 · 26/11/2013 17:16

Yanbu. Dh wouldn't want me to kiss him and I wouldn't want to when he has a cold sore. He doesn't let the kids kiss him either. Maybe we have all caught the virus from him even when he doesn't have a cold sore but surely not kissing him while he has one reduces the risk.

And he was wrong to be so rude.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 26/11/2013 17:37

5% twat is not good enough.

I would be very careful not to blame his shittiness on medication, because that is a very slippery slope indeed. If his meds are causing unacceptable side effects he should see his doctor and get them adjusted, not use the situation as an excuse to be a prick (or, more precisely, let you do that for him)

Doinmummy · 26/11/2013 17:38

He just can't stand being wrong (can any of us?!) and gets really quite mean when it happens

I wouldn't say I like being wrong , but as an adult I accept when I am wrong and apologise.

He sounds nasty.

lottiegarbanzo · 26/11/2013 18:15

Um but he was being ridiculous and it's an observation on specific behaviour, not an outrageously rude and disrepectful outburst, unworthy of most teenagers.

I suspect the reason the 'won't understand' why STFU is worse (to the very limited extent to which I believe that - I think what you mean is 'won't admit') is that he 'hears' the slightest criticism, even, I suspect, guidance and advice, as a deep, personal insult. That suggests an extraordinary level of insecurity and need for constant validation (which is no excuse and is his problem to tackle, don't get drawn into being his sympathetic enabler).

And /or it must be because he thinks he's superior to you and ought to be obeyed unquestioningly, musn't it?

Or could he perhaps tell us how he obtained omniscient wisdom? I'd quite like some too but unfortunately, like most mere mortals, have to learn things by listening to, watching and reading other people's experience and advice, then trying and sometimes failing, sometimes publicly. Pain in the arse being a human isn't it.

lottiegarbanzo · 26/11/2013 18:17

Oh yes, what I was going to say before I went off on my amateur psychobabble trip there was - you say he has dc. Ask if he'd be happier to tell them to STFU, or that they were being ridiculous about a particular issue. Does one emerge as slightly more acceptable than the other then?

DoingItForMyself · 26/11/2013 18:42

Good point. Thanks Lottie.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 26/11/2013 19:19

I once asked about cold sores at a clap clinic and was told that a huge amount of genital herpies sores when swabbed to confirm herpies (because apparently a first outbreak can look and feel like your vagina/ vulva has been beaten with a red hot poker so often clarification is needed) turn out to be the type normally found on the mouth.

Interestingly they can turn up loads of places like around the eyes nose thighs arse and they are spread by contact either direct skin to skin (even fingertip to skin) and glass/cup/towel to skin so he's talking rubbish.

The thread ages ago contained several postings saying cold sores are harmless blah blah blah mainly from the more forceful your being pfb posters,however its now hit mainstream media (due to a very sad story in the last year) that cold sores can actually kill young babies so we are now more aware of this, a nursery near me will not let staff members with uncovered cold sores be in work they either cover them or go home.

IneedAsockamnesty · 26/11/2013 19:26

On a different note,my last husband (well still is but I haven't seen him for nearly 3 years) was one of those who takes criticism no matter how constructive or any requests to do/not do things as a huge personal insult,he also used to boast about unpleasant behaviour towards others inc his ex's.his mantra was "I'm a selfish bloke and I'm stuck in my ways".

He turned into the stuff of nightmares yours is actually telling you he's an arsehole I would be inclined to belive him.

mrspremise · 26/11/2013 19:31

YANBU to say no to kissing someone with a cold sore...

YABU to call it 'sexy time'. Unless you're fucking Borat.

DoingItForMyself · 26/11/2013 19:33

It is said in a tongue in cheek way, for all those who are more horrified by the 'sexy time' than the STFU!

OP posts: