not to kiss DP when he has a cold sore - he has just stormed out.

[DoingItForMyself]

DP has had a cold sore for a few days, I've tried to avoid kissing him on the lips (we are usually very affectionate so it has been difficult!) but a few times he has forgotten and kissed me. He says they are not contagious once they scab over, NHS says differently.

I feel bad for mentioning it, but I really don't want to start getting them at my age having gone through life unscathed so far!

Today I bought him some of those Compeed patches, sent him a message at lunchtime about something else and mentioned at the end that I'd bought them "so I can kiss you later xx"

He has seen them in the shopping bag, used other things from the same bag but not used the patches. Come bed time he asked if I was up for sexy time, I said "it's weird not being able to kiss you though" and he just 'hmm'ed and then rubbed it with his fingers.

I said that I was also anxious that he kept touching it and would spread the virus to my bits, that perhaps he could wash his hands.

He got really shirty about it, going on about how he'd been really nice to me this evening (I'm a bit stressed about work/money) and this is how I react. He started packing up his stuff and said he was going, I told him he was being ridiculous and he told me to shut the fuck up.

He said he'd come back when his cold sore had gone. I replied that someone who tells me to STFU may not be welcome, cold sore or not.

So basically, am I BU to worry about catching them? Should I have just let him kiss me, use his hands on my nether regions and said nothing so as not to upset him. Or AIBU to stick with a boyfriend who thinks its acceptable to tell me to shut the fuck up?

There is a good chance you have the virus already but there is also a good chance you don't. Sores are contagious as long as they are visible afaik so why take the risk?

HS1 cannot cause genital herpes, genital herpes by definition is HS2.

However HS1 CAN spread to the genitals and cause HS1 sores on the genitals, it is not as severe as HS2 though.Similarly HS2 can be found on the mouth. HS1 is 'happier' on the mouth so if you were to get it on your genitals from his mouth (fingers!) it wouldn't be as bad as if you caught what causes genital herpes (HS2).

Not that this matters!Either way, he is putting you at risk of getting coldsores on your mouth and your bits.

HIBU. Does he not understand the risks?
After you said he has been rubbing his fingers on his coldsore, I would be extra extra careful. It strikes me that he may do it purposely out of spite given his childish arsy behaviour in this. Sorry if this is harsh OP.

I did a lot of research on this a while back. A male friend of mine gave his casual girlfriend HS1 on her genitals, despite being careful. He'd had a recent coldsore but it had gone. The coldsore virus 'sheds' even when sores aren't present.

If he stops being an arse, get him some l-lysine and get him to take it daily. That shit works!

He can be arsey about a lot of little things

This would be a red flag for me, even if he is ok the rest of the time. Have you been together long?

He got really shirty about it, going on about how he'd been really nice to me this evening (I'm a bit stressed about work/money) and this is how I react.

You're not a vending machine that you put niceness into and get sex out, FFS. And I'd get shot of a boyfriend who tells you to 'shut the fuck up' and blames your period for you not reacting how he wants.

Imagine how shit your life would be if you (and your children) lived with a man who had to be right about everything?

He thinks that if he tells you his coldsores aren't contagious that you have to accept that and risk acquiring a lifelong virus that gives you painful sores.

That shows a pretty unhealthy level of needing to be right and needing to have your rightness recognised by others.

He wanted you to put your fanjo on the line so you could prove to him that he was right about something that he was actually wrong about.

Being great 95% of the time isn't that great when the other 5% is so dickish.

5% domineering wannker is still more domineering wanker than most people want to put up with.

Thing is, whether you might already have the virus and be immune or less susceptible is irrelevant to his behaviour.

If he had good reason to believe you might be immune he'd have explained that, listened to your concerns and responded as well as he could.

His behaviour of that of someone who wants the world to be as he wishes it to be and gets frustrated and petulant when he cannot get away with acting as if it is - a child essentially. Someone who does not have the patience or maturity to find out about things, discuss them, or look at them from another person's point of view. He expects you to humour and pander to him and his illusions and when you don't, he reacts as if you're his mother, telling him off and thwarting his desires and strops accordingly.

ccsays, we've been together just over a year. I'm seriously considering whether it will last much longer, but it does seem a bit of an over-reaction to what started as a small thing, especially as I probably am a bit over-emotional due to it being the week before I'm due on (not "on the blob" as he charmingly put it) and he is overly sensitive due to his medication (steroids, prescription ones not dodgy body-building ones!) so I don't know whether to try and put it aside as it isn't a regular thing (every few weeks) or see it as part of a bigger issue he has with respect for me and my stuff.

girly One of the reasons he has given for not living together in the near future is that he is untidy and I would end up nagging him to pick his shit up off the floor. He's right, but the trouble is I end up having to do that here, in my own house, then he moans about being treated like one of the kids. Also he has 2 DCs 50/50, so no way I could cope with sharing a house with them half the week too. I'm thinking that rather than moving forwards, if anything this relationship needs to take a step back.

He used to laugh about how he wound up his ex by throwing his socks across the room and leaving them there. Then when he did it at my house and there were always dirty socks hanging around I had to either pick them up and put them in the wash, be 'a nag' and get him to do it or leave them there. It's all just a bit disrespectful and childish I know.

sunflower I do worry that maybe it isn't as innocent as it seems when he keeps 'forgetting' but of course to make that accusation to him would be unforgivable and can only lead to the absolute end of the relationship.

well said join and yes lottie I do feel like his mum sometimes.

Oh gawd, this is horrible. I love him so much and we have a great time together but how do I reconcile that with the tosser that shows himself every once in a while?

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts, those I haven't specifically name-checked I have taken on board what you've all said and really appreciate your input.

"One of the reasons he has given for not living together in the near future is that he is untidy and I would end up nagging him to pick his shit up off the floor. He's right, but the trouble is I end up having to do that here, in my own house, then he moans about being treated like one of the kids."

Ugh, really?

"He used to laugh about how he wound up his ex by throwing his socks across the room and leaving them there. Then when he did it at my house and there were always dirty socks hanging around I had to either pick them up and put them in the wash, be 'a nag' and get him to do it or leave them there."

Wow, wow, wow.

Right, so he told you he used to treat his ex badly and upset her deliberately by throwing his socks around.

Then he did the same to you, as a test to see if you would be a nag (like the ex) or a "cool girlfriend" who didn't say anything when he treated you disrespectfully.

Really, this guy is a prick way more than 5% of the time, isn't he?

My dh is a plumber and frequently gets call outs for toilets blocked with baby wipes so he's definitely wrong about that one!

Every few weeks would be too regularly for me. At a year, you're still in the honeymoon period. How long until the arsey behaviour becomes more regular?

he moans about being treated like one of the kids

Then he should stop acting like one. Storming out the house because he doesn't like what you've said (and YANBU about that btw) is something a teenager would do.

He used to laugh about how he wound up his ex by throwing his socks across the room and leaving them there.

He sounds like a bell end.

Bleurgh. I wouldn't kiss Ryan Gosling if he had a cold sore.

And I wouldn't kiss your boyfriend even if he was in the fullness of health. He sounds like an arse.

He deliberately throws his dirty laundry about in someone else's house, has done it before to "wind his ex up" and now he is doing it to you?

Every single pair of socks he did that with would end up in the bin. How did you end up in a relationship with such a disrespectful, bratty, petulant teenager of a man?

What an asshole he sounds. Herpes is the least of his problems.

He sounds like a twat. Even the shittiest of people can have outbreaks of being nice, I think you should judge someone on their worst behaviour, and there's a lot of him from him. He has no respect for you, your health or your living environment. If you stay with him you'll be playing dodge the herpes virus for life as he has no interest in protecting you.

everlong!

I think the problem is that my ex was the polar opposite so I suppose I have been drawn to someone who isn't a neat freak and doesn't make me feel like the messy lazy one!

Trouble is, now I have become my ex, shouting at everyone to turn the freaking lights out when they leave a room and put their rubbish in the bin not the floor.

Ex used to wind me up by being so fussy about tidiness (never actually did any of the tidying though!) The sad thing is, I'm beginning to feel like maybe he wasn't as bad as I thought he was - he was just fed up of the kids disrespecting the house and took it out on me. Now I seem to have acquired an extra kid and I wonder why I'm stressed!

Yanbu. I get coldsores and hate the idea of passing them on to DH, because I love him and don't want him to have to put up with them.

When you love and care for someone, you care about their health. Not being bothered to even try not to pass the virus on is not a good sign.

Oh I've just read about the socks. So he was deliberately an arse to his ex and told you about it. This gets said a lot on here, but when someone tells you who they are, believe them.

Yanbu.

Just wanted to add thst I suffered with coldsores for years. I started taking L-lysine & haven't had a single one since. Amazing stuff.

I guess it depends on how much you are prepared to put up with as to whether you stay in this relationship. Will you suddenly realise in a few years that it's been a waste of time because you're still living separately, he's no different, and you could have met someone else in that time?

Loving someone doesn't mean that they are the right partner for you, you don't want to end up tiptoeing around him for fear of a monumental sulk or tantrum. And always making you feel in the wrong is manipulative. No wonder his ex is his ex. Also you don't want to take on his DC and move in together, so there isn't much you can do to progress the relationship and it seems a bit stuck. It's so much easier to end a relationship without the complications of living together, shared mortgages, DC and so on.

You could have some time apart, to see whether you still want to be with him, or you could just end it, but I don't think fundamentally he will change to suit anyone.

Yeah sorelip (hope your name isn't relevant!) I have heard that too. He told me early on that he's a bit selfish, that he's lazy and has been called arrogant etc.

The problem is that I was with a cold and emotionally distant H for many years, so having someone who seemed to appreciate me 'taking care' of him was really appealing so I fell into the 'wifey' role a bit too easily. I enjoy doing nice things for him too, when he's not being a petulant arse.

In fairness, he is very good to me, attentive and affectionate, brings me dinner and takes me out, he is lovely with the kids because he is one but he is quite chauvanistic old fashioned (should have seen that coming too - insisting that he pay on our first date, not negotiable . I thought it was romantic ) He is genuinely caring, would do anything for anyone except cover a coldsore or pick up his dirty clothes, I hear you

The socks are a power play to test out your malleability. If you put up with that he knows he's got you where he wants you - willing to compromise your own comfort and happiness in order to hold onto him.

I agree, with Sorelip's posts above. Your DP should be the one who is insisting on treating his cold sore with medication and not kissing you or risking genital contact while he still has it. That would be how a loving, caring partner would behave.

I think he wants you to get herpes.

He sounds like a total dickhead.

hollow the difference is that a member of staff at a nursery isn't going to be kissing the child. You don't pass on a coldsore by being in the same room as someone, but they are very contagious if someone touches a sore.

I suffer from coldsores, I am super careful and I have so far not passed them to either DH, or the DSs who are 5 and 2. It is perfectly possible provided you practise good hygiene and avoid kissing and other facial contact when you have a sore. I use compeed patches, and keep my own face towel separate from the rest of the family and wash towels and bedding at 60 degrees every couple of days while the sore is there.