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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

not to kiss DP when he has a cold sore - he has just stormed out.

125 replies

DoingItForMyself · 26/11/2013 00:49

DP has had a cold sore for a few days, I've tried to avoid kissing him on the lips (we are usually very affectionate so it has been difficult!) but a few times he has forgotten and kissed me. He says they are not contagious once they scab over, NHS says differently.

I feel bad for mentioning it, but I really don't want to start getting them at my age having gone through life unscathed so far!

Today I bought him some of those Compeed patches, sent him a message at lunchtime about something else and mentioned at the end that I'd bought them "so I can kiss you later xx"

He has seen them in the shopping bag, used other things from the same bag but not used the patches. Come bed time he asked if I was up for sexy time, I said "it's weird not being able to kiss you though" and he just 'hmm'ed and then rubbed it with his fingers.

I said that I was also anxious that he kept touching it and would spread the virus to my bits, that perhaps he could wash his hands.

He got really shirty about it, going on about how he'd been really nice to me this evening (I'm a bit stressed about work/money) and this is how I react. He started packing up his stuff and said he was going, I told him he was being ridiculous and he told me to shut the fuck up.

He said he'd come back when his cold sore had gone. I replied that someone who tells me to STFU may not be welcome, cold sore or not.

So basically, am I BU to worry about catching them? Should I have just let him kiss me, use his hands on my nether regions and said nothing so as not to upset him. Or AIBU to stick with a boyfriend who thinks its acceptable to tell me to shut the fuck up?

OP posts:
MistAllChuckingFrighty · 26/11/2013 07:24

Yuk, what a baby he is

dutchyoriginal · 26/11/2013 07:30

YANBU! I get the bastards, and DH and I will kiss, meaning we will more or less airkiss/brush our left cheeks / ears :-) (always have them on right corner of mouth). Also, I will wear patches religiously and wash my hands the minute they get anywhere near my face. No way I would risk an infection of his or my netherregions!

EirikurNoromaour · 26/11/2013 07:32

Hey can I just correct a post above that says that genital herpes means elective CS. Only if you have your first outbreak while pregnant.

Sillybillybob · 26/11/2013 07:36

YA sooooooooooo NBU.

Sounds like he was being a total arse last night.

bordellosboheme · 26/11/2013 07:38

He sounds charming. Not.

Hissy · 26/11/2013 07:39

Have you got kids with this bloke?

The coldsore is just foul, his insisting it's not an issue is revolting, and telling you to STFU is unacceptable.

If he's gone somewhere, let him stay there. He's got no respect.

Hissy · 26/11/2013 07:40

My ex used to get them, air kisses and nowt else until it was well and truly gone.

DoingItForMyself · 26/11/2013 08:06

Thanks all. He can be arsey about a lot of little things, generally when he thinks I'm (or anyone else is) making a personal insult. I specifically said, after he got funny about it, that I wasn't having a dig at him, I was just putting my health first, that it wasn't an insult to his personal hygiene, it was just that he didn't seem to understand my anxiety. If he had, surely he would have been more careful? That's when he said I was patronising.

Then he started on about me 'building a case against him' like some sort of barrister and he didn't understand why I was being like this, so I just gave up.

Luckily I don't have kids with him Hissy and no plans to, so at least that's not an issue.

OP posts:
MistAllChuckingFrighty · 26/11/2013 08:08

He sounds like a Dick

How do you tolerate such silliness?

HSMMaCM · 26/11/2013 08:24

DH gets them and would never try and kiss me with one. We banned all family members from lip kissing DD (DH because of his cold sores and me because it freaked me out having random relatives kiss me as a child).

Joysmum · 26/11/2013 08:28

On the face of it (see what I did there!) he's being an arse and I'd have to ask why?

I don't know you both but if this were my hubby, generally my hubby isn't an arse. If he suddenly reacted like one I'd be asking why because he'd be a good man who'd acted out of character.

If your hubby is a good man who's acting out of character it wouldn't surprise me if he's feeling horribly self conscious and possibly had the pissed ripped out of him too. He'd want to feel like home is the one place he doesn't have to feel like this, he'd want to feel close to you and gain reassurance. Of course it's a health risk but it sounds to me likely that he's feeling like shit. I wouldn't want my hubby to feel like shit and would be doing all I could to reassure and not make it worse (but not at the risk to my health) this would be more important to me than being annoyed.

So if your husband is a good man who's reacted badly and out of character then it might be more productive to think why. If he's not a good man worthy of being the benefit of the doubt then wtf are you with him?

JapaneseMargaret · 26/11/2013 08:39

He's not a 'hubby', and by the sounds of things, he's not acting even slightly out of character.

You do not need this man in your life.

DoingItForMyself · 26/11/2013 08:41

Thanks for the balanced view Joy.

95% of the time he is a good man, he is affectionate, supportive etc, but he does have a side to him that bothers me and this is a small example of it.

He got cross with me last week because I asked him not to flush baby wipes down the loo. He insisted that he does it all the time and it won't cause any problems with the plumbing. I can't afford £100 for a plumber so I don't take chances and so I put them in the bin. He huffed "Oh yeah, you're right, I'm wrong" in a sarcastic tone. He just can't stand being wrong (can any of us?!) and gets really quite mean when it happens. He did apologise later for being rude to me.

I call him DP (as BF is always misconstrued as best friend) but he doesn't actually live here, although he spends a lot of time here and thinks of this as his 2nd home.

I know this comes down to his dented pride, but when that results in him swearing at me and stomping off in the middle of the night it makes me wonder if its worth it.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 26/11/2013 08:44

He sounds very immature and self-absorbed. Taking everything personally is part of that.

Of course I'm only reading from what you've said but even his comment about having been nice to you that evening makes him sound selfish and calculating - that he's only nice to people because he expects something back.

It doesn't seem to have occurred to him to think about what's best for you. Surely someone who cares about you would do that.

DoingItForMyself · 26/11/2013 09:00

Yes Lottie, I agree. I'm trying to give a fairly honest account here, but I know his side would be different. However, I can see no reason for him not using the medication I specifically bought for him, other than stubborn pride. Had a look in the bag and he's taken the bloody things with him.

He will probably spend today mulling it over and come to the conclusion that he over-reacted and he will also expect me to apologise for being patronising to him and moody in general.

I'm just a bit tired of doing this little dance, but I can't decide if its because I'm stressed out for other reasons or if this behaviour (and other similar incidents) are just the tip of the iceberg.

OP posts:
DoingItForMyself · 26/11/2013 09:02

Mist, he does sound like a dick and I have told him on more than one occasion that he is being one! However, the rest of the time he is bloody lovely. I know I have my moments too, none of us are perfect, but its handy to have some other perspectives on just how much of a dick he is being! quite a lot of a dick

OP posts:
snowgirl1 · 26/11/2013 09:11

YANBU. I get cold sores and when I have one DH kisses me on the cheek. I wouldn't want to give anyone the coldsore virus.

OddFodd · 26/11/2013 09:25

Can't bear people who can't cope with being told they're wrong.

He sounds like an arse (sorry OP)

Mumsyblouse · 26/11/2013 09:35

This is not a good sign for the future. If you do decide to get married/live together and have children, there may be many times where you have to put your own needs aside and prioritise something else for the good of the family- for example, I don't kiss my husband when he has a virus//cold/flu as I am full-time working and find it hard to get time off so don't want to actively get a cold (we do sometimes have cuddles without kissing though!) Similarly, if one of you is ill or if you have a baby, sex may be off the menu for months or even longer.

If the person you are with is determined to see this as a slight it is difficult, I do think some men can be very sensitive to rejection about this- if he is now reasonable and apologises or at least sees your side of it fine, if he doesn't I would be uncomfortable.

Mumsyblouse · 26/11/2013 09:36

But- I also think if he is 95% a great guy, it may just be that he's particularly sensitive about rejection in the bed department and if so, just call him on it and let him know that if you say no, this is not a reflection of how you normally feel and not to take it so personally.

DoingItForMyself · 26/11/2013 09:41

But the thing is, it was in no way a rejection, I was telling him that I wanted to be able to kiss him and would be up for it if he covered the damn thing up. I miss kissing him and sex without kissing just feels odd (we did it the other morning and it felt really 'distant')

He's very understanding on the odd occasion that I have been too tired etc, not pushy at all in that department, so I really don't think it was a sex issue, it was a case of him telling me it was not contagious and so I should believe him and not worry.

So far only one other poster seems to agree with him and I hope in some ways that she is right, that I probably already have the virus but am immune to break-outs. Not sure I want to test that theory on my lady bits though.

OP posts:
Preciousbane · 26/11/2013 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FanFuckingTastic · 26/11/2013 09:53

I caught herpes from cold sore to gential contact and now I can pass it on to anyone any time, I have to check they have had cold sores themselves or else risk passing it on as either an oral or genital issue.

I think he is being unreasonable and unhygienic and needs to grow up a little bit.

tombakerscarf · 26/11/2013 09:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

girlywhirly · 26/11/2013 09:56

I don't think yabu at all.

It sounds as though you are already questioning whether this relationship is going to last, could you see yourself with him in a few years time, living together etc? Sometimes it isn't enough that the majority of the time he is lovely, if you were living together where would he storm off to then when he's in a strop? it sounds to me as if the coldsore episode is another indication of the state of your relationship, where he doesn't respect your wishes and only comes back to get an apology from you, grudgingly saying he might have over reacted as a 'sort' of apology from himself!

Good luck with however you deal with this.

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