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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why are some parent OTT?

130 replies

Mittensonkittens · 24/11/2013 14:24

Most people I know with children talk about their children in glowing terms and describe them as 'forward' 'advanced' 'very able' ' extremely bright' etc.
I adore my ds (4) but I'm well aware that he's most likely broadly average. He's happy and chatty and great fun though. It kind of stresses me out when other parents go on about how bright their child is. I wonder if mine is actually behind. I have to keep reminding myself to get a grip and it doesn't really even matter what level they are at at 4. And how someone else's child is has no impact on my own.

I think what has brought it home is several parents on the reception playground talking about how far their children had come since starting school and how they were 'reading fluently' and how advanced they were. This stressed me out until they mentioned specific levels and they were either the same or slightly behind my ds. Yet I'd never go on about him like they were. Although tbh even if he were reading lord of the rings I'd probably keep it to myself on the playground.

I wonder if it's because I am a teacher so I sort of know what falls under usual development and what really is a bit in front. I feel stupidly disloyal to my ds because I don't feel comfortable talking about his academic ability to anyone really which is mad isn't it?

I just don't understand why so many parents speak like this? Surely they must realise that most children fall mainly into the average bracket? That's why it's average! And also that other things are more important.
I just feel like motherhood is a constant competition between parents. Although I appreciate that is my own personal feeling and I should just ignore it.

However Aibu to find the constant 'my child is so advanced' annoying? Even in the supermarket yesterday the lady on the checkout was telling me about her dd and how she's 'forward' and 'advanced'. I seem to find most people I encounter can't mentioned their children without using these terms! I'm a misery aren't I?!

OP posts:
StarSwirl92 · 24/11/2013 14:49

Not at all, but I'm looking to start my teacher training this year so it is entirely possibly we're both unreasonable. I'm coming to the end of my degree and fellow students who are mothers, or just mothers who know what I want to do in life, justify their child's development to me as if I were marking them there and then. I just enjoy seeing them and playing with them, I really don't mind if they're on the oxford learning tree books yet!

I try to buy a nice balance of educational and fun toys for relatives children though, my poor boyfriend's nephew got a 'my first library' and a lovely set of Winnie the Pooh teddies (that I would have kept in a flash!)

izzydazzling · 24/11/2013 14:53

No, YANBU, it's really rather tiresome to hear about other people's super advanced children. It's just bragging and no one likes that. My daughter is 'average' but if I was to compare her to my friend's daughter who has fantastic reading abilities I'd think she was behind. So I don't. She is happy and healthy and that's absolutely fine by me.

MiaowTheCat · 24/11/2013 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontCallMeDaughter · 24/11/2013 15:09

It's hard though isn't it? My dd potty trained herself at 20 months (she just decided she hated nappies) and I know that's a bit unusual. I don't go out of my way to tell people about it but I'm still regularly told how advanced she is. She might be in this one aspect but she didn't say a single word until she was 18mo so she's very much behind with her speaking.

A lot of kids have strengths in one area and do less well in others. So parents often have something positive to say. Most of the time I think they're just amazed and proud of their children and want to tell everyone about it. I think that's quite nice really....

Felyne · 24/11/2013 15:10

I think part of it is that when you look at your kids you still remember them as a tiny helpless baby, and to have them able to do all of this stuff 'already' seems actually quite incredible. I am in awe of what my daughter can do, but talking to my friends, their kids are similar so it's normal for her age. I'm proud of her but there's more to childhood than academia.
It's like travelling to a destination, the people in airplanes will get there faster than people who drive, but everyone gets there!

Greythorne · 24/11/2013 15:11

Parents are genetically programmed to take an enormous interest in their own offspring, at the expense of any other children.

Mittensonkittens · 24/11/2013 15:11

It is nice. I suppose.
It's just a bit repetitive! I think actually it's the use of the word 'advanced' that irrationally annoys me. I've had people tell me their 6 month old is 'advanced.' How can they tell?!

OP posts:
Lilacroses · 24/11/2013 15:21

Yanbu. I would find that so annoying but actually none of my friends do this and I honestly believe all kids are bright in their own ways. I think my Dd is incredibly amazing and think she is extraordinairy but I never go on about it except to my own family. Mind you I feel like that about my entire class, they are all fascinating and brilliant in their own ways! There are all sorts of ways of being clever and children really do progress at different rates, as you will know as a teacher. My dd couldn't read fluently till she was 9. Now she is doing really well! As long as she is doing ok, trying hard and being kind to others and enjoying school I honestly couldn't give a toss!

I think faced with ott parents as you describe I'd just smile and say "oh that's so great!" and genuinely mean it and be happy for them but I wouldn't tell them my Dd's levels and compare them no matter if she was doing better or worse.

DontCallMeDaughter · 24/11/2013 15:23

Mittens... I don't mind "advanced" as much as I mind "gifted" when talking about a baby.... "Gifted" because they can eat with a spoon.... "Gifted" because they can roll over, like no other child has ever been able to do so before.

Having made my rather smarmy "isn't it all lovely" post... I should probably mention that I no longer see an NCT lady because of her attitude to her advanced daughter (genuinely advanced, she could sort by colour and talk in sentences by the time she was one, she's probably reading Shakespeare by now). I found it incredibly tiresome to have a demo of her dd's amazing skills every time I saw them... Especially when mine was still at the licking the windows phase Hmm

LouiseAderyn · 24/11/2013 15:26

I think it's quite rude to constantly boast about how advanced you believe your child to be. It implies that the dc of the person you are speaking to are thick by comparison.

I have a friend whose every fb status and conversation is about the achievements of her child. It's so boring. Everyone thinks their kuds are wonderful, but it's rude to keep banging on about it!

Mittensonkittens · 24/11/2013 15:26

Yes gifted is similarly irritating.
I once had a 6 year old in my class whose mother was convinced he was gifted. He really wasn't. She was mad though. He'd come from another school and she told me they were so sad he was leaving that they'd made up a special reading trophy in his name. Hmm

OP posts:
Mittensonkittens · 24/11/2013 15:27

Exactly - the sort of look at your child with a pitying expression because it isn't as advanced as theirs. When actually they are basically the same.

OP posts:
FredFredGeorge · 24/11/2013 15:30

I've never heard anyone do it, I've just heard people moaning about others doing it...

GwendolineMaryLacey · 24/11/2013 15:30

I can't say it bothers me. I think my children are pretty incredible. I don't go around saying it, mainly because I'm an anti-social bugger who hates talking to people. I don't really care what other people think of their kids as long as they're treating them well.

paxtecum · 24/11/2013 15:31

YANBU.

I do feel sorry for the children that are geniuses as their lives often tend to train crash.
I'm thinking of the poor kids who end up at Oxbridge age 15.

PigsInParis · 24/11/2013 15:32

YANBU

My children are great in their own way, like most children. But it's rare to find average children by their parents account, either in RL or on MN!

thebody · 24/11/2013 15:34

oh dear op don't let it get to you.

the oldest of my 4 is 23 and youngest 14, and have heard this crap for years so can categorically tell you that very few children are 'gifted' they just arnt.

very few will play sport for England or get a first at Oxford or even become the next entrepreneur.

all parents do this to some extent but a minority are far worse than others and make you
laugh.
just smile and nod.

of course mine are all genius. Grin

jeanmiguelfangio · 24/11/2013 15:35

This is why I try not to talk to an old friend of mine. Her son is 3 months old and she is signing him up to a private school now because he is too advanced for a state school. That's right, 3 months. Hmm

Some people judge their own parenting by how good their children do academically, rather than if they are happy children. It always surprises me when I go to baby groups and you realise that 1 year old will be in the same year as my 8mo and my friends 4mo, they all catch up in the end

Everyone is better at some things rather than others, bout time parents worked this out

hmc · 24/11/2013 15:37

It irritates me - and not because I am chippy because I have children doing less well, mine are doing very nicely thank you; I just think it is tiresome for others to hear parents prattling on about their super brilliant offspring and can lead to rather tiresome competitive parenting. We just celebrate our children's successes with them directly - giving praise and encouragement (as much for effort as for attainment) and with close family such as gps who actually give a damn!

FrauMoose · 24/11/2013 15:41

I'm from an academic high-achieving background and so is my partner. This means - I'm afraid - that I expect my daughter to do well at school. Which she does. But I don't tend to boast about it. I don't see the need. It's just a part of who she is.

I was perhaps proudest when she did well in an external Music exam, because the music didn't come that easily to her and she'd had to graft to get the result.

ICameOnTheJitney · 24/11/2013 15:42

I feel the same way OP....my DD is 9 and bright but I know and she knows her limitations. I am currently wondering about Grammar but having doubts due to her weakness in maths. A conversation with 2 separate families in the same class has revealed that other parents are convinced their children are 11plus material when they're no better or may be less able than my DD!

MrsGarlic · 24/11/2013 15:45

My child is average!

I went to playgroup last week and there was a woman with a baby who was nearly 1. He can't crawl or walk, only roll. She was chatting to another mother who nearly fell off her chair when the woman said this, and went "REALLY?! Well, MINE was walking at 8 months!"

Totally unnecessary IMO. I hate the whole "competitive mothering" thing. Am pleased to have mainly found supportive friends with children.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 24/11/2013 15:46

Why can't parent be proud of how well there DC are doing without making a song and dance about it.

My niece is on the special needs register because she is talented, in fact she is doing work for an 8 year old as a 5 year old.

hmc · 24/11/2013 15:48

My 9 year old recently took others boasting on face value - this time that of his peers rather than their parents (although they were probably egged on by their parents) - his grade 1 guitar is coming up and he has been having serious doubts about the exam and constantly worrying that his friends are so much better at guitar than him etc - largely because they are always telling him how great they are doing. Teacher recently gave him and his three buddies mock exams, the boys compared notes afterwards and to his complete amazement ds got the highest score. Told him not to believe other people's self publicity

lljkk · 24/11/2013 15:55

Most people I know with children talk about their children in glowing terms

That's not my experience at all. maybe I just filter such words out, I dunno.