Why are some parent OTT?

[Mittensonkittens]

Most people I know with children talk about their children in glowing terms and describe them as 'forward' 'advanced' 'very able' ' extremely bright' etc.
I adore my ds (4) but I'm well aware that he's most likely broadly average. He's happy and chatty and great fun though. It kind of stresses me out when other parents go on about how bright their child is. I wonder if mine is actually behind. I have to keep reminding myself to get a grip and it doesn't really even matter what level they are at at 4. And how someone else's child is has no impact on my own.

I think what has brought it home is several parents on the reception playground talking about how far their children had come since starting school and how they were 'reading fluently' and how advanced they were. This stressed me out until they mentioned specific levels and they were either the same or slightly behind my ds. Yet I'd never go on about him like they were. Although tbh even if he were reading lord of the rings I'd probably keep it to myself on the playground.

I wonder if it's because I am a teacher so I sort of know what falls under usual development and what really is a bit in front. I feel stupidly disloyal to my ds because I don't feel comfortable talking about his academic ability to anyone really which is mad isn't it?

I just don't understand why so many parents speak like this? Surely they must realise that most children fall mainly into the average bracket? That's why it's average! And also that other things are more important.
I just feel like motherhood is a constant competition between parents. Although I appreciate that is my own personal feeling and I should just ignore it.

However Aibu to find the constant 'my child is so advanced' annoying? Even in the supermarket yesterday the lady on the checkout was telling me about her dd and how she's 'forward' and 'advanced'. I seem to find most people I encounter can't mentioned their children without using these terms! I'm a misery aren't I?!

I'm not always bothered by the boasting if it is for something genuinely 'advanced' but half the time it's for something that they have pushed the child into ie finger walking.

I'm content to let DS do things at his own pace. Some things he is advanced at eg starting to talk at 5 months. Other things he's average at eg walking 12 months and I'm sure there'll be some things he's slower at. He my PFB so I prob am a bit boastful.

What does annoy me is people pushing their little ones to try and achieve things they boast about. Ie baby classes for literacy and numeracy etc. A friend was boasting on Facebook about 18 mo being able to identify some letters of alphabet. Why on earth would you be teaching an 18 mo the alphabet?

I hate boasting too. My parents were hard core about this - my dad would swat the back of my head if he heard me saying something he viewed as boasting! When I hear someone say (unprompted) "my son is extremely advanced" over the dinner table, I kind of view it in the same way I would someone cutting their toenails at the table. I do not understand it in a social setting.

Why do people need to talk incessantly about their children?

Crowler, I think the key word there is underemployed, tbh.

It does not stop with her. She's merely the worst, people scatter to the corners of the earth when she walks in a room. But I agree with you.

I went to playgroup last week and there was a woman with a baby who was nearly 1. He can't crawl or walk, only roll. She was chatting to another mother who nearly fell off her chair when the woman said this, and went "REALLY?! Well, MINE was walking at 8 months!"

I hate that behaviour. I've witnessed it too. WHY do people do it? I would presume it's basic social manners to refrain from doing it?

The lady who does this at DDs school is known behind her back as 'Flashcardsatbreakfast'. She adopts a faux sympathetic head tilt for children and parents who don't meet her rigorous academic standards however talented they are at other things. She grills parents of children in the same ability group as her son, desperately comparing levels and techniques to ensure her DS is top of the class. To get the information she required she volunteered in the classroom and grilled the other volunteers, looked in book bags etc.

Flashcardsatbreakfast doesn't talk to me any more as DD is doing better than her son and I wouldn't give up my secrets, or rather I did (no pressure, lots of fun and academic parents) but she didn't believe me. Apparently the lack of interest I am showing in DDs education is terrible and she pities me.

I feel a bit sorry for her. But not sorry enough to stop calling her Flashcardsatbreakfast .

The bottom line is that boasting in any sphere of life is deeply unattractive.

And why do it? If you or your child or whatever is that great, people will notice for themselves.

Just do not engage in it, it isn't compulsory

My first child did not develop normally, was diagnosed with a global development delay at 18 months and is now 14, had sld, autism, cp and epilepsy. I think the constant 'oh my little johnny can do this' was almost soul destroying whilst we went through the diagnosis process with her. I lost sight of the fact she was still who she was and nothing would ever change that and you know overs the years that has just happened and we take joy in her achievements even though to other people they are insignificant and we love her for who she is and nothing will ever change that.

I have had two other children since then and have never gone in for the over competitive clap trap, there is no point. They are children and even if they have special educational needs, their parents still love them and are just as proud of them. Life isn't about being top of the class.

The bottom line is that boasting in any sphere of life is deeply unattractive.

I couldn't agree more. People should allow themselves to be "discovered" them rather than just putting it all out there.

I say that DS1 (aged 7) is bright because he is really interested in things, always the last one out of school because he's jabbering away to the teacher. He's academically average and when I say bright, I actually mean nosy

We went to a wedding when DS2 was 2.5. He has hypermobility syndrome so wasn't walking yet and was quite small for his age too. After spending most of the reception crawling around he lay on his tummy and did some colouring. People we didn't know took photos because they were amazed that this baby was colouring and not just eating the crayons.

DS3 has very advanced speech for an 18 month old. He's actually nearly 3 and very short with average speech.

I think parents tend to focus on what their children are good at so they say that their child is really good at music and ignore the fact that they aren't good at other things. Also when they are very little they learn things so quickly that everyone thinks their child is amazing. Also people tend to use the word bright to mean different things. My teachers used to say I was bright because I behaved at school and handed in my homework in on time but academically I was below average and had undiagnosed dyspraxia.

I think it's nice when parents are proud. I just smile and nod and say things like "wow, that's great!"

My DC are advanced in reading, both of them, and they're both very academically able. I don't talk about it, but that's me, I don't say much generally. I am immensely proud of them, though, and when other parents talk like this, they are just feeling what I feel and being more vocal about it.

Another aspect of this is that no child is brilliant at everything. Mine are ace readers, but DD is terribly uncoordinated and since babyhood has been "behind" on physical milestones, and DS is a very reluctant writer. They struggle with things and that is OK. I love clip

I am so fed up with it. I am a relatively polite person so I will enquire about people's children, how are they doing, how's school, etc - but I am astonished by the number of times it's 1. not reciprocated and 2. used as a launchpad for a half-hour conversation.

Exactly my experience too. Can't they see how rude they are being? I wouldn't dream of boasting about my kids.

My first child was reading in nursery and was 4 yrs ahead of herself for a few years. Now at 15, she's slightly below average. It means nothing so take no notice.

Even if a child's intelligence were fixed at 4, I would remain astonished by the audacity of a dining companion to presume to think that I want to hear about it.

Like I said, the OP has touched a nerve with me. FED UP.

Totally agree, so so tedious and rude

Lack of social skills. Of course I think my children are the most important in the world. Of course you think your children are. We are programmed to think that.
Surely it doesn't take a great deal of intelligence to realise that I'm not as interested in your children as you are in yours. Save it for the grandparents.

I subscribe to the idea that everyone has something they're really good at. I never quite like the idea that a talent is something to be denied or ashamed of - if DD ends up being musical, for instance, I don't want her to go out of her way to say "oh no, I'm hopeless, really, can't play a note, and anyway I'd much rather be able to do synchronised water polo like youuuuuuu.." (which seems to be the expected way of things for older kids and adults IME).

I have absolutely no idea what DD will end up enjoying or doing; I just hope she finds something she does enjoy that won't cost me a small fortune in the process . Her enjoyment of things in general is a lot more important to me than whether she's 'advanced' at any one thing.

It did tickle me when people got really competitive about the baby things that they all do anyway. "Of course Ophelia's such a bright girl, she was walking at 8 months.." as if parental involvement would make a whit of difference.

But WHY don't people know that I don't want to hear about their kids more more than 10 minutes?

WHY?

I subscribe to the idea that everyone has something they're really good at. I never quite like the idea that a talent is something to be denied or ashamed of - if DD ends up being musical, for instance, I don't want her to go out of her way to say "oh no, I'm hopeless, really, can't play a note, and anyway I'd much rather be able to do synchronised water polo like youuuuuuu.." (which seems to be the expected way of things for older kids and adults IME).

This. Actually DD1 seems to be developing a talent at a particular activity she does, and other people have told me how good she is. I didn't know how to respond at first, but now I just say "Well, she loves doing it, that's the main thing". It's so easy to be negative and actually end up putting your children down, sometimes in their hearing.

I also give new parents/those with one PFB some leeway, as you definitely get more relaxed...and develop better social skills with other parents as the children and you get older and if you have more than one child it all gets put into perspective.

I still have to mentally kick myself to ask people about themselves and their children, it doesn't always come naturally.

Only noticed it accidentally at our school.

Eg a talk like this

How is x today? Y really loves to play with him

X is great, yeah his always talking about y... Did you see the new reading books?

Yeah I thought it was stupid that some had no bloody words so glad we have a proper book now.

Oh y has a book with words??

Erm oh yeah but only since his teacher went off sick so it might be a mistake

I ended the convo pretty quick

So I would ds1 is average, my dd1 however at 2 was saying 4 words tops and not in context, yet ds1 was teaming words together just on target, so I have an average child and one behind but they are both brought up exactly the same... I no longer talk about any work in school unless with the teacher I felt like a twat

No YANBU to dislike people bragging about it.

BUT when people ask I tell them at what stage my daughter is at (because I refuse to lie) and I'm sure people think I'm making it up. Their problem!

Do people actually do this? I've never heard it. I thought it was more English to do the opposite and complain about how hopeless they are (whilst retaining a quiet confidence in their genius at the same time).

This:

I subscribe to the idea that everyone has something they're really good at. I never quite like the idea that a talent is something to be denied or ashamed of - if DD ends up being musical, for instance, I don't want her to go out of her way to say "oh no, I'm hopeless, really, can't play a note, and anyway I'd much rather be able to do synchronised water polo like youuuuuuu.." (which seems to be the expected way of things for older kids and adults IME).

is a social code. Nothing about being ashamed of having a talent. It's a funny sort of way of accepting a compliment without looking unpleasantly boastful. I think it's fine.

I would always give leeway to a new parent/newborn. I think that's pretty cute, and I love babies.

The reading situation is so ripe for issues! I'll tell you this much, things changed dramatically between the time that my eldest (now 11) was in reception vs my youngest (almost 8). I blame Facebook. I can put my hand on my heart and say no one seemed all that clued in about the "implications" for the reading stages my first time around (that's 6 years ago now) and no one was eyeballing up the other kids' books at dropoff.

Now, I have the above mentioned INSANE mother saying things like "James, have you forgotten your Harry Potter?" or "James, don't forget to get the librarian to help you find a new book, remember you were thinking about starting the Hobbit", yada yada yada.

There's a certain amount of irony about posters coming on to just discuss whether their children are advanced or not!!

The nickname "flashcardsatbreakfast" really made me laugh.

I think if your child is genuinely talented at something you know and it's great to be proud of it.

It's the bragging about stupid things that winds me up, ages they walk, when they first say a word, toilet training, who cares?! They basically all reach these milestones, I don't believe it asks for "age out of nappies" on the Oxbridge application form.

It stresses me out because most people I know do it and then I think maybe it's me - maybe it's normal and I'm odd? I feel reassured by this thread. I also have not much interest in talking about other people's children beyond asking if they are well so that probably doesn't help.

A parent only this morning was asking how often ds's book was changed - apparently the brighter children are having two books a week. I just told her I hadn't really noticed and it seemed to vary. I don't think that was an acceptable answer as she scowled at me. Her ds has two a week. I felt like lying and saying "we'll my ds has at least four, sometimes a new one every night." But I didn't. Because that would be petty.