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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why are some parent OTT?

130 replies

Mittensonkittens · 24/11/2013 14:24

Most people I know with children talk about their children in glowing terms and describe them as 'forward' 'advanced' 'very able' ' extremely bright' etc.
I adore my ds (4) but I'm well aware that he's most likely broadly average. He's happy and chatty and great fun though. It kind of stresses me out when other parents go on about how bright their child is. I wonder if mine is actually behind. I have to keep reminding myself to get a grip and it doesn't really even matter what level they are at at 4. And how someone else's child is has no impact on my own.

I think what has brought it home is several parents on the reception playground talking about how far their children had come since starting school and how they were 'reading fluently' and how advanced they were. This stressed me out until they mentioned specific levels and they were either the same or slightly behind my ds. Yet I'd never go on about him like they were. Although tbh even if he were reading lord of the rings I'd probably keep it to myself on the playground.

I wonder if it's because I am a teacher so I sort of know what falls under usual development and what really is a bit in front. I feel stupidly disloyal to my ds because I don't feel comfortable talking about his academic ability to anyone really which is mad isn't it?

I just don't understand why so many parents speak like this? Surely they must realise that most children fall mainly into the average bracket? That's why it's average! And also that other things are more important.
I just feel like motherhood is a constant competition between parents. Although I appreciate that is my own personal feeling and I should just ignore it.

However Aibu to find the constant 'my child is so advanced' annoying? Even in the supermarket yesterday the lady on the checkout was telling me about her dd and how she's 'forward' and 'advanced'. I seem to find most people I encounter can't mentioned their children without using these terms! I'm a misery aren't I?!

OP posts:
BerniceBroadside · 24/11/2013 15:57

Mittens, my dc is so gifted that they made a reading trophy in their name, but it's never been won as nobody else comes up to standard.

I jest. Dc seems happy and is meeting milestones age appropriately. That will do nicely. (Although I admit to a flash of pride when they were one of the first to come home with a reading book. Then I got over myself as chip and biff are utterly shite and the longer you can go without reading them, the better.)

Mittensonkittens · 24/11/2013 15:59

Most of my friends now have children. Only one doesn't describe her child / children as 'advanced' and actually her daughter is very bright so she would be for once right in this description!
Everyone else is full of how far ahead their child is, how they're working ahead of their age, how their teacher had said their child is top of the class.
This is not statistically possible surely?!

OP posts:
Mittensonkittens · 24/11/2013 16:00

And people describing children of less than one year old as 'forward' 'gifted' and 'advanced' really winds me up!

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 24/11/2013 16:00

I was embarrassed when my DD1 was talking in sentences at 11 months, etc and I cringed when other mothers commented on it because I didn't know what to say. How is it appropriate to respond when someone expresses surprise that your child has taught herself to can read at 2 years? She was tiny for her age so looked younger which made it even more worthy of comment?

I used to be lectured about how she'd need to go to private school and have special learning programmes. She didn't. She isn't a genius. She's academically able and always has been but she struggles with plenty of things too and she's usually around at least one other child who is as able as she is in any subject.

It isn't miraculous, or down to anything I've done, apart from instil quite a good work ethic in her.

If I say she's academically able it's because it's relevant to the conversation. I'm just as likely to say she is socially inept, vile to her sister or a good horse rider, all of which she also is.

thebody · 24/11/2013 16:02

Mittens hilarious at the reading cup.

lilacroses what a nice teacher you are and so true. I work in reception and ALL of our children are special and everyone is good at something be it numeracy or empathy.

it's a bit sad when parents are convinced their child is gifted or specially talented. very very sad for the child who had to eventually deal with their disappointment.

technosausage · 24/11/2013 16:07

My ds is only 15 months but you get this lots at toddler groups. My ds started walking at 10 months and you could see the horror on some mums faces because they little darling wasn't doing it yet.
He's not advanced at all he was just bored of sitting on his arse!
Now there getting older its talking "oh Lola can say.. We're teaching her French. What can your little one say?" Normally with a head tilt added.
He can't say a lot really but if fluent in shouting while hanging off your leg, quacking and does a very realistic moo! Grin

thebody · 24/11/2013 16:07

to add I am proud that my ds2 can actually drink 10 pints and still get up fresh for a 15 hour shift as a kitchen porter( part time to fund uni)

also dd3 can still apply vast amounts of makeup and attach her hair extensions even with 2 broken fingers following a rugby tackle.

so so proud. Grin

WandaDoff · 24/11/2013 16:10

It wasn't until I had a child with special needs, that I realised what a load of old bollocks all the competitive parenting shite really is!!

SomePeopleAreIdiots · 24/11/2013 16:11

My ds and another boy were born a few days apart. Other boy did everything super early. My ds had speech delay, slow in toilet training, average walking etc. I felt she did make a few unnecessary coments comparing them, saying how MIL says "of course he is so clever." etc

However, I am was quite sensitive about how ds is doing due to various crap we have been through.

And getting to know the other mum she is in an unhappy marriage and has a lot of insecuritites.

Thankfully everyone else I know is quite sensible and has better things to talk about.

Goldmandra · 24/11/2013 16:12

you could see the horror on some mums faces because they little darling wasn't doing it yet

What is an acceptable response to them commenting? I never found a way to respond that didn't leave me dying a little bit inside after I'd said it.

You can't turn round and say "Oh I know! Isn't she marvellous?"

I used to mutter about it being nothing to do with me and I' just wished she'd spend more time sleeping but that always sounded wrong too.

technosausage · 24/11/2013 16:14

Wandadoff your so right, every child is different and all do things in their own time.
My ds just turned his activity table upside down and is now trying to use it as a ride on toy... He's so gifted right?!
[Wink]

technosausage · 24/11/2013 16:15

Wink even.

BerniceBroadside · 24/11/2013 16:17

Gold, I used to laugh it off and say hopefully dc hasn't taken after me and peaked at x months with early walking/talking.

Mittensonkittens · 24/11/2013 16:21

I can see how if you have a child who is genuinely way ahead it can present problems as to how you talk about it.
But I think it's fine to say they are ahead etc if they actually are! I suppose all the parents who say it must believe it though...

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 24/11/2013 16:21

Gold, I used to laugh it off and say hopefully dc hasn't taken after me and peaked at x months with early walking/talking

I so wish I'd had MN then. I never seemed to find an appropriately flippant response when I needed one. I could have asked for a few on here and learned them off by heart Grin

HandragsNGladbags · 24/11/2013 16:28

This irritates me and I agree with you OP

Firstly because there are many many types of intelligence, not just who reads quickest, or can add up fastest.

Secondly most people are good, bad and indifferent at different things - I am no better than my DH because I have better cooking skills than he is better than me for playing a guitar

Thirdly, I want my children to be happy most importantly and different things will make different children happy. Some children will work well with a little more pressure than others who will wilt.

And me and dh have a total of 4 degrees between up so we are academic. Doesn't mean the DD's will be though, or want to be.

Bogeyface · 24/11/2013 16:31

Having one genuinely gifted child, one with SEN and others in the middle, it is a minefield so I never mention it outside of MN. I dont want to look like a brag about DD or looking for sympathy for DS (which is he doesnt need, he is doing fine!).

Fairyliz · 24/11/2013 16:31

The funniest thing about this thread is not that people have said UABU or UANBU but have boasted about how bright their children are!
You are not going to be able to get away from them op

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 24/11/2013 16:32

I always find people who are academically advance lack common sense.

I work in a hospital cleaning, I put at least 8 wet floor signs up when mopping the corridor, I mop the right side of the corridor which have the signs up, leaving the left side clear and dry........ Guess what side 99% of doctors and nurses walk on.

BerniceBroadside · 24/11/2013 16:36

I wasn't stealth bragging at early walking by the way. Dc is not a genius. Perhaps we did both peak at 10 months.

thebody · 24/11/2013 16:39

fairyliz I got that too. hope you noticed from my post ds is at uni and not a full time kitchen porter ha ha ha.

LimitedEditionLady · 24/11/2013 16:40

Not read it all but i tell people when others say my ds is advanced because im proud and surprised.It isnt that I think hes einstein because Im not a teacher and havent much experience of what levels children are at what age but when people tell me hes smart and seem really chuffed for him I cant help it I tell his grandparents and some friends etc because I feel proud.I will damn not stand in the playground saying it though not my style.

LimitedEditionLady · 24/11/2013 16:42

My ds is two btw and im not talking reading and stuff im talking.listening skills,talking etc

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 24/11/2013 16:46

My DD has possibly ASD, i know that shes good a maths, but its taken a lot for her to get where she is, and she reached alot of milestones later than alot of children, and doctors thinking shes behind, shes bloody 6 years old, not all children do things the same time, the same ability or even the same area ability. My DD might be average, but shes fun, loving, and has a good mind for debating.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 24/11/2013 16:54

technosausage my DS walked at 10 months too!

To be honest it would have been easier if he'd left it a bit as he was in everything!

Totally understand about the comments thing, all my antenatal group used to point out how quick he was at walking and I never knew what to say.

Now at 21 months he knows colours, shapes and numbers. I do think he's bright and I'm proud of him, but I really hope I don't go on about it. To be honest I get a bit embarrassed when I'm told how good his speech is. Again I don't know what to say?

I sort of mutter that when they're at school they'll all the same. Which is true, he'll average out, like most kids.