Why are some parent OTT?

[Mittensonkittens]

Most people I know with children talk about their children in glowing terms and describe them as 'forward' 'advanced' 'very able' ' extremely bright' etc.
I adore my ds (4) but I'm well aware that he's most likely broadly average. He's happy and chatty and great fun though. It kind of stresses me out when other parents go on about how bright their child is. I wonder if mine is actually behind. I have to keep reminding myself to get a grip and it doesn't really even matter what level they are at at 4. And how someone else's child is has no impact on my own.

I think what has brought it home is several parents on the reception playground talking about how far their children had come since starting school and how they were 'reading fluently' and how advanced they were. This stressed me out until they mentioned specific levels and they were either the same or slightly behind my ds. Yet I'd never go on about him like they were. Although tbh even if he were reading lord of the rings I'd probably keep it to myself on the playground.

I wonder if it's because I am a teacher so I sort of know what falls under usual development and what really is a bit in front. I feel stupidly disloyal to my ds because I don't feel comfortable talking about his academic ability to anyone really which is mad isn't it?

I just don't understand why so many parents speak like this? Surely they must realise that most children fall mainly into the average bracket? That's why it's average! And also that other things are more important.
I just feel like motherhood is a constant competition between parents. Although I appreciate that is my own personal feeling and I should just ignore it.

However Aibu to find the constant 'my child is so advanced' annoying? Even in the supermarket yesterday the lady on the checkout was telling me about her dd and how she's 'forward' and 'advanced'. I seem to find most people I encounter can't mentioned their children without using these terms! I'm a misery aren't I?!

You mean I'm not a brilliant parent for teaching my child to walk early?

Oh. :(

No you're not. Keep them immobile for as long as possible.

Yanbu.... I have a 17 month old dd & another one due in Jan, since I became a mommy I am appalled at how pushy moms are about these helpless little creatures meeting these milestones which the majority are in such a wide time frame e.g crawling 6-10 months. They all have this invisible goal yet each child gets their in the end! It's insane & some moms are just so intense it's scary!! They are babies, little tiny people who only need love, warmth & lots of cuddles the thrive not baby mozart & the like imo...
My friend & I meet weekly for playdates & to be honest I'm getting frustrated & feeling uncomfortable with them. When she comes over the kids sit on the floor playing, I make the tea we sit down with them, they are playing happily then suddenly her kids are put on show! It's "x sing old mcdonald" "x do itsy bitsy spider with the actions""what does the dog say"...etc etc, we can't even have a bloody cuppa tea.
On the last page AhHarry touched on schools etc. In my opinion it really saddens me but I do feel that kids of an average ability from wealthy families ultimatly achieve more due to the fact they have the money to support their dream career, I'm not trying to be controversial but in my own experience there were 3 very wealthy kids in my class, not the brightest by any means but average plodded away & had to work hard to pass exams. These children also had the means to attend extra tuition, extracurricular activites the rest of the class couldn't afford e.g violin lessons, ballet & cello. Also they had very rich childhood experiences like one child had a holiday home in the lake district, a caribbean holiday each summer, skiied in the winter & had been on 3 African safaris by the time it was 16. All through school they worked so hard just to get their exams yet today one is a surgeon, one a GP & one is a top banker in London so I do think it helps if your average with some money to help you along too... My DD will need to start saving her pennies!

With DS 1 I would talk openly with friends but in a factual way - this is what he struggles with/this is what he finds easy. With DS 2, I don't really talk to anyone as we are all onto our second/third children and its not that interesting any more. I think all of the children I know are clever in one way or another - be it emotional intelligence, mathematical ability, creatively etc.

Yanbu, my eldest has autism so has been behind with most milestones, I'm just happy that my second child is so far developing normally. I try to ignore braggy parents as I'm very pleased with average!

People are Ott. I have one friend who has to say something about her children every time she texts me. Like if I text to say thanks for my birthday card she will tell me her children love each other so much and are so loving to each other.

I'm thinking that's great but what's it to me??! Is there nothing else in your life?

I've never met anyone who says their child is advanced

I think everyone thinks their child is special

I always thought mine were on the slightly bright side of average in early primary school. Turns out DS1 is a bit better than that. Oxbridge, possibly, but we'll see if he gets through the next 3 years without getting distracted by the opposite sex. To be honest I was too busy worrying about his temper for years to notice he was THAT able academically, but was thankful he took school seriously. DS2 is Mr Average-could-do-better. As long as both end up doing their best and are happy, I'll be happy. DS1 didn't walk until 15 months and then had speech therapy, but will probably end up with 12 A*\A grades at GCSE. DS2 developed earlier and will probably have a range of A/B/C grades. So in my experience early development has no correlation with academic ability. I reserve the right to have a "Proud Mum" FB status or two when exam results come along though!

DS1 was Mr Average, hit milestones on time or slightly later, I was complacent, smug even, which is probably unusual in a teenage mother

DS2 arrived 4 days early, & has done everything in a bit of a rush, he hit milestones early generally, has never slept very well, but generally it is because he can't bear to miss anything

DD, is in a class of her own, she was diagnosed with Classic Autism at 3.5 yrs & every milestone is a major step for her. She will be starting SS next year & she is very healthy, but very clearly Autistic.
I'm probably most proud of DD, & celebrate every milestone for the triumph that it is.

I'm proud of all my children of course, but the academic part of it isn't the be all & end all anymore.

I honestly have never met anyone who described their child as forward.

Really LineRunner ? - I promise you we are not making it up . The majority of my friends don't do this but I have two who do lapse into rhapsodies of how very, very bright their daughters and in particular how challenging it is looking for an appropriate secondary school for their terribly clever progeny. I am fond of both these friends so it really isn't a deal breaker for me, but I inwardly eye roll when they start prattling on. From my observations their children are bright but not spectacularly so - no more so than many children of my acquaintance

Maybe I just filter it out

My SIL was telling me how terribly advanced her 4 month (yes, you read that right) granddaughter is! This was on the day her and my brother came round to visit my 1 week old DS for the first time. FFS 1 bloody week old and she'd already started with the competitive (grand)parenting. DS was barely opening his eyes of course he was, and still is, the cutest baby ever

I think it'll mostly stop when they get a bit older and level out a bit. Those parents that used to brag about their super-early potty training/reading/sophisticated palate/acting skills when our kids were small aren't quite so vocal about it now that they are hitting the early teens. I'm not sure if it's because the kids aren't quite as amazing as they used to be or that the parents have realised that they can excel in one area but struggle in another.

Oh no, it doesn't stop - my elderly parents still competitively brag to their friends and acquaintances about my middle aged siblings and me (well - mostly my siblings )

'To be honest I was too busy worrying about his temper for years to notice he was THAT able academically' -- yup, Tintin, I'm with you on that one!

OP, I suspect it's just that as a teacher, you know what's normal for a four-yr-old, and aren't as bowled over by the first time your DS does anything. They're all pretty amazing anyway at that age.

my health visiotor had a refreshing chuckle at my insistance that I breed distinctly average children and bet her that dd2 would be 50th centile (kids all 50th centile in utero and afterwards lol)

and she was

health visitor was

Probably a bit annoying but good that they are proud. better than neglecting their kids I support. Just let it go over your head! :-)

My SIL and I had boys around the same time. She always makes a point of belittling my son and pointing out his faults whilst lauding her own sons achievements. Does it annoy me - well yes however her DS is practically mute, shows little affection and has many other issues. So if she needs to boast about the good bits fair enough I just tune out the rest. He did an amazing recital last week, cant even get mine to pick up a musical instrument!

TBH I think you can't tell a lot about what children are like at primary school, as it's around 15-21 their brains really go into overdrive and the patterns of their adult accomplishments start to be laid down. What passes for progress before then is often confused with compliance with schooling and parental desires.

Anyway, FWIW, I have four DCs and three of them are very clever and one is of average intelligence, if you are looking at IQ. The average one does better than one of the brighter ones because he's steadier in his work habits. So it's a bit daft to obsess about educational outcomes, IQ and links to your parenting skills as it's so much more complex than that.

Ultimately the answer to school gate boasting is generally to anti-boast, i.e. compliment all the other mothers on their amazing children and express mildly amused shock when your own children manage to do anything of note. Remove yourself from the psychological competition and you take a lot of stress off your shoulders. (This needs to be backed up with telling your children they are doing well whilst in the privacy of your own home, of course).

OP you've hit a nerve with me because I can't remember how many times in the past year (maybe 15?) I've paid for a babysitter to look after my own kids, only to have dinner with friends who will monopolize the dinner conversation with talk of their child's brilliance, or some kind of back-handed stealthy complaints.

I am so fed up with it. I am a relatively polite person so I will enquire about people's children, how are they doing, how's school, etc - but I am astonished by the number of times it's 1. not reciprocated and 2. used as a launchpad for a half-hour conversation.

Now on the other hand, I was out with my single friends last week and that was fabulous. They were talking about sex & dating. That's a conversation I can take an interest in.

Crowler, is there a pattern of the banging on abut children taking place amongst parents who have given up high powered jobs to rear children, or something like that? Are people living their lives through their kids and there's not a lot else going on in their lives?

I hate boasters - whether it's about their kids or their fantastic jobs or their wonderful husbands or whatever. I have also found that the people that boast endlessly about their kids are also pretty mean spirited about other peoples.

Boffin, the one mother who is the most egregious offender is a working mother (although she's probably "underemployed" at a family firm).

I like to think that I'm currently in the worst part because I'm in the 11+ season in London where they are truly insane.