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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not let my DD go to a 'Pamper' party at the age of 6?

219 replies

Twang · 23/11/2013 00:05

As the title reads...DD had been invited to pamper party for one of her peers which involves make up and hairdoes. She's 6. Call me old fashioned but 6 year olds in make up and coiffured?

OP posts:
littlewhitebag · 23/11/2013 13:17

Female/feminine i am both of these things.

ladymontdore · 23/11/2013 13:27

I was just going to start a pretty much identical thread.

And to the 'oh, no, not this again comment' - we don't all spend all our time on MN, thus haven't read all the threads. I visit it when I need advice / have a dilemma and today's is the princess party invitation. Is that OK?

I find the idea of makeup parties for dcs utterly repellent. My DD think she is great atm. She has no concept that she might need to improve how she looks. She likes to wear smart and pretty clothes and have her hair in complicated plaits but it simply hasn't occurred to her that her face somehow needs improving (it doesn't!). I really don't want her to get the idea sooner than she need.

A casual/thoughtless 'oh, now you look pretty' could be really damaging imo. If I knew the woman doing it was going to be appropriate and just make them look like fairies or something, then maybe that would be ok.
But maybe she's an orange woman who'll tell them they look 'better now'. I can vividly remember overhearing my DM telling someone that my legs had got a bit chunky when I was about 7, the shame! - I've been paranoid ever since! And I'm size 8, so I'm guessing they aren't!

I don't think it is comparable with quasar etc as that is basically play. Unless the DCs are going to spend the afternoon pretending to open hospitals then they aren't playing. It's horribly passive.

And those of you whose DDs wear make up, that hasn't just come from no where. You have enabled it and more than likely encouraged! They must at some point have been given some make up or you allowed them to use yours. If the asked then you could have just said 'no, lipstick is for Mummies, not little girls'.

BUT what do I say to the party princess mum?
a) no way! Yeuch, are you insane?
b) ask for a bit more detail then say I think dd is a bit young.
c) pretend we are busy.

MaryZygon · 23/11/2013 13:34

dd has always loved pink, and would have loved one of these when she was 6.

She is now a very sensible 17 year old - she can wear make-up, she even {shock, horror] wears fake tan on some nights out.

But she is also hard-working, gregarious, has friends of both sexes and manages to attend a co-ed school on a daily basis while wearing no make-up and having her hair in a pony tail.

ffs, it's a party.

Refusing to "let" them go makes it an issue.

silverten · 23/11/2013 13:38

It shouldn't be your decision to prevent your daughter enjoying (legal) experiences with her friends. If she doesn't want to go then fine, she shouldn't go. If she is unable to go, then obviously fine, she shouldn't go. If you just don't want her to go, NOT fine.

Fucking hell. Do you seriously let your children do whatever they like, regardless of whether you approve?

Rubybrazilianwax · 23/11/2013 13:58

But the party is not about your dd is it? It's the choice of the little girl whose birthday it is. Over the years my dc have been and invited and have gone to themed parties that were not their bag. One ds absolutely despises football, but he has gone without complaint and joined in on so many football parties. Should I get all worked up about boys being stereotyped into liking football? Likewise we have all sorts of parties here which were for my dc tastes. I have one dd and I know it won't matter how many pamper parties, disney dolls or pink toys she is exposed to. She is being brought up to be confident enough to make her own choices.

EXTERMINATEpeppa · 23/11/2013 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

ladymontdore · 23/11/2013 14:21

Exterminate - which parts of my post are bitter and twisted exactly?
btw it should be 'you're a bit bitter and twisted' not 'your a bit bitter'

EXTERMINATEpeppa · 23/11/2013 14:26

a bitter at the chunky legs comment. Hardly the end of the world.
sorry autocorrect doesn't work sometime as Im dyslexic.

theres a dr who name competition on btw thats the reason for my name.
but since you only come on with a 'crisis'

legoplayingmumsunite · 23/11/2013 14:35

EXTERMINATEpeppa why do you think it was a good thing that your mum encouraged makeup? Mine didn't wear much makeup (just for the odd night out), I never wear it (can't be arsed and work in an industry where it would be considered very shallow to turn up to work with a full face of slap). We both have good jobs, we've both married good men who are both good looking and have reliable incomes, we both have managed to breed with those good men. So why do we need to spend money changing our appearance?

legoplayingmumsunite · 23/11/2013 14:47

Oh, and I would politely turn down an invitation to a pamper party and mutter anout a previous engagement, then arrange to meet up with the DCs cousins for a gender neutral day out so my kids are happy to have missed the party.

I think it absolutely is part of my job as a parent to discourage behaviour that is harmful and unhealthy. And making a 6 year old think that how she looks is important (beyond keeping clean and dressing appropriately for the weather) is harmful and unhealthy. A party based on a physical activity (football, swimming, or gymnastics) is, on the other hand, encouraging a healthy lifestyle and I'd have no problems with (unless it was poledancing for 6 year olds but that's another thread!).

clarinetV2 · 23/11/2013 14:51

My dds are now grown-up - they are confident, assertive young women in their 20s. One wears make-up and enjoys dressing to impress, the other hangs about in jeans, t-shirts and fleeces most of the time and I've never seen her use so much as a lip gloss. I don't recall them ever being invited to pamper parties at that age, but I'm pretty sure I would not have let them go. Although my daughters have grown up into very different people, I think it's naive to believe they were somehow biologically programmed to want that which they've come to want - their tastes and desires were shaped and moulded by their upbringing, by school, by the media and so on. Something (and it's impossible to say what it is) in the interaction between what they both brought to the world and what the world offered them, made them who they are today. Both confident about their appearance, but neither obsessed about it as far as I can tell. When they were little I gave them the least 'pink and sparkly' childhood I could manage because I wanted to limit as far as I could the pressure on them to identify with the kinds of femininity associated with it - the passive princess waiting to be rescued by the prince, learning to prettify herself quietly indoors while he learns to be physically active outside in preparation for the hero role. These kinds of femininity and masculinity are not inevitable or natural, they are socially produced, and I didn't want my dds boxed into them if I could help avoid it. Pamper parties seem to me to do just that. OK, so maybe one pamper party wouldn't hurt, but a) I wouldn't want to take the risk that someone might make the one really influential comment that a little girl might take to heart and remember, and b) it never is just one pamper party on its own - the pamper party will be part of a general context. I suppose the OP and anyone else in that situation needs to think about how much pink princess stuff their dds are exposed to, and whether the pamper party is a complete one-off or part of a context dominated by pink, passive versions of femininity.

ladymontdore I like to think that in your position I would have done a) but I suspect I would have done c!

Floggingmolly · 23/11/2013 15:20

Harmful and unhealthy Biscuit

legoplayingmumsunite · 23/11/2013 15:40

My first biscuit! Can I get a chocolate digestive?

Gileswithachainsaw · 23/11/2013 15:49

Never getting a chance to do anything because mummy's too scared her girl might actually like being a girl is more harmful and unhealthy than letting a child go to a party. It's a bit of glitter and nail polish and no one has to do anything they don't want to. They aren't trying to turn them into the next Jodie marsh. If this was a bit you'd be packing his bag to go just to prove a point. But because it's a girl wanting to do something deemed girly she can't go.

Fwiw all the girls parties I've been to have had princess or hello kitty themes. There were boys there too and they were quite happy to carry the party bags and eat off pink plates. They didn't mince home as a result and a child isn't gonna give up her dreams of being a foot ball player because her friend had a pamper party.

Gileswithachainsaw · 23/11/2013 15:51

Boy not bit. Damn phone

Branleuse · 23/11/2013 16:00

if she was invited then i would let my dd go. She'd love it.

Im a feminist too.

MaryZygon · 23/11/2013 16:01

Bloody hell, my children did/do some non-gender-neutral activities.

dd even went to girl guides [horror] and ds played rugby in an all-boys team.

They have managed to grow up as normal human beings, you know.

HotDogSlaughter · 23/11/2013 16:03

It's just a bit of fun really - braiding hair and glitter with some mail varnish then into the dancing tea and cake.

Don't overthink it.

Jinsei · 23/11/2013 16:29

I'm not keen on the idea of pamper parties for little girls, but I wouldn't stop dd if she was was invited to one and wanted to go. I might explain to her what I didn't like about it though.

As it happens, dd went through a pink sparkly princess phase between the ages of around 4 and 6, and we let her indulge in it. She then came out the other side and decided that she didn't like anything too "girly", and her friends all seem to share this view.

I don't think a party is going to do anyadting damage to anyone, really. What's more important is that we maintain an ongoing dialogue with our daughters about stuff like this, so that they can have the opportunity to form their own opinions.

EXTERMINATEpeppa · 23/11/2013 16:30

lego

so what your teaching your child is once your married dont bother with you appearance?

Heartbrokenmum73 · 23/11/2013 16:36

DD went to something like this at a friends house. She was about 9. She was told they'd all get their hair plaited (great, because I'm fucking awful at that!), get their nails painted. She came back and told me how bored she was. Sitting about waiting for everyone else to get done. She didn't get her hair done because there wasn't enough time to do everyone. She was not impressed. And she's a very girly girl, despite me dressing her in dungarees from birth - because they were practical and warmer than dresses/skirts, before anyone jumps in.

Myself, I've never gone in for make-up (rarely wear it, most of what I have actually needs binning now because I don't use it, have no idea how to apply it properly), don't do much with my hair, and wear practical, seasonal clothing for warmth and comfort more than anything else. Heels are hell and rarely see the light of day. Does any of this make me any less of a woman? I don't think so. I also find the idea of a pamper party incredibly dull - I'd much rather watch a good film, read a book, have something lovely to eat.

DD is 12 next week. She has no time for the likes of Miley Cyrus, Rihanna, Katy Perry, etc. She thinks their idiots, bad role models for young girls, all about showing off their bodies. She idolises Kate Bush and David Bowie (and Niall from 1D!) and knows that her brains are more important than her looks.

She's stunningly beautiful (to me, anyway) exactly as she is. She doesn't need makeup to be pretty. And that's my concern with these pamper parties, the whole 'don't you look pretty now!' message given off. Erm, yeah, but they were pretty without eyeshadow, glitter, lipgloss, thanks. Little girls have natural beauty - it doesn't need enhancing.

Who is telling boys that they need to enhance their appearance? Where are the parties for six year old boys where they make themselves look better?

Sorry for the essay.

EXTERMINATEpeppa · 23/11/2013 16:39

lego

look i'm leaving now.
that last comment was a bit out of order. Im very glad you have such a loving husband because mine didnt turn out that way. Teaching your daughter yo be loved & respected is the most important thing & makeup doesnt play a part in that. So well done in being a fantastic role modelSmile

sorry if my words have it a nerve with anyone. have a nice saturday.

mitchsta · 23/11/2013 17:15

The idea of a pamper party for 6 year olds makes me sad :( I can't help but think of those child beauty pageants. I know it won't be as extreme, but it makes me uneasy all the same. It may be a bit of glitter/nail polish to some people, but Heartbrokenmum73 makes a good point - where are the parties for the boys to make themselves look better? It's likely that girls will spend years dipping in and out of various beauty measures - whether that's make-up, tanning, shaving, plucking, dying or whatever. I just don't see the need to encourage/facilitate that at such a young age. another killjoy here

mrsjay · 23/11/2013 17:23

gender neutral activities what are they Confused

I agree with everything *giles said thread a bit this is about the dd and her friends party and you know what your dd might like a bit of glitter and nail polish , it is a girly party . fwiw i have 2 older girls dd1 would have rather chewed her arm off rather go to a pamper party the other would be tearing down the door, both now wear make up on occasion d2 more and yes she does like a bit of sparkle but she also likes Doctor who sci fi and hangs about withboys as friends, the other is doing a male orientated degree, I think it is all about balance being a girl who likes a bit of glitter and whatnot does not make her a lesser female

AnyFuckerWillDo · 23/11/2013 20:57

Angry Harmful??? My 2 year loves nothing more than playing dress up with mummy's clothes or her fancy dress. It's fucking normal!