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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU let date in house with my kids.

133 replies

mumofbeautys · 22/11/2013 15:48

I have 2 girls aged 4 - I have been single there whole lifes and promised I would never bring a date back only someone I was serious about.
anyway a while back a guy started a temp job at my work and we got to know each other , I really like him.
so we have been arranging a date for like ever lol it was my birthday this week he offered a meal out and maybe the cinema but I had no one to watch the children and its unlikely I will ever at the right time. so he text me tonight saying we could get a Chinese. IABU to maybe invite him round once the girls are in bed .. for some Chinese and wine ........ ?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 22/11/2013 16:36

You have known him a while.

If you had a female mate you wouldnt think twice about asking her round for chinese and to share a bottle of wine.

You arent about to jump into bed with him, or be shagging on the sofa by the sounds of it, so why on earth not ask him over.

squeakytoy · 22/11/2013 16:37

And your children are not going to know there is any difference between mummy having a male or female friend over..

KellyHopter · 22/11/2013 16:39

If this is how you start then it's unlikely to become anything else. That would be your relationship - he comes round while your kids are in bed.

I personally would not have a date with my child in my home but even if I was ok with that aspect of it, if the only kind of relationship I could have was a bloke coming round at the end of the day then I really wouldn't bother. It's too weird and claustrophobic and unless there's something wrong with him, I can't see why he would want to date someone under those circumstances when he could be going out and having fun with someone else.

I would sort out the circumstances which mean you can never get out of your own home of an evening. That will make everything so much easier.

Original poster
mumofbeautys · 22/11/2013 16:39

I know your right , they wouldn't even question it tbh ! might torture him but wouldn't question :)

OP posts:
Original poster
mumofbeautys · 22/11/2013 16:40

kellyhopter I am sure if he likes me he would understand my circumstances and accept them ! and I cant just change my circumstance , it really isn't that easy

OP posts:
ILoveTomHardy · 22/11/2013 16:41

I'm going to go against the grain here and say let him come over.

Back in the olden days when my ex and I split up I had a few male friends (platonic) who used to pop over for a brew or to do odd jobs etc. My DS was two/three at the time and got used to seeing men in my house. Just because a man is in your house it doesn't mean that there is anything going on. As long as the OP trusts this man and knows him reasonably well then there shouldn't be a problem.

When I eventually met my partner my DS was used to seeing men in my house and didn't think anything of it. I just introduced him as a friend, he got to know my DS gradually and he didn't stay over or anything for a few months, until DS was used to him.

How is OP supposed to meet anyone when she can't get a baby sitter? It can be incredibly lonely being a LP and sometimes you just want a bit of male company. It doesn't have to be about sex all of the time.

Crinkle77 · 22/11/2013 16:42

Go for it and enjoy yourself. You have known him a while, it's not like he is a stranger. Maybe tell your friends/family he is coming and ask them to ring and check on you.

Original poster
mumofbeautys · 22/11/2013 16:43

thank you ilovetomhardy - but apparently no normal guy unless there is something wrong with him would want to date me anyway.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 22/11/2013 16:46

I can't see why he would want to date someone under those circumstances when he could be going out and having fun with someone else.

Perhaps he likes the OP for herself, not her availability to prop up the nearest Wetherspoon's bar?

He's clearly fancied her for a long time. If he just wanted a quick shag he would've given up months ago.

monicalewinski · 22/11/2013 16:48

I can't imagine how hard it must be for you, never having a break.

I would prioritise trying to source some sort of regular babysitting care so that you can have a night out every now and then (be it on a date or with your friends).

In the meantime, try and organise some day dates (like lunch/coffee etc) with him, then if you manage to get a babysitter that's suitable you can go out proper.

Zipadeedoodah · 22/11/2013 16:48

Go for it - he is not a stranger and you sound like you could do with a bit of grown up time

Ellenora5 · 22/11/2013 16:50

Go for it mumofbeautys, you have a hard enough time of it looking after your two little girls, you deserve to have a bit of company and fun, you know him well enough, he knows it's hard for you to get out and he is willing to come over and enjoy your company on your terms, he doesn't sound like a bad one to me....

ILoveTomHardy · 22/11/2013 16:50

Now then, stop all of that. Being an LP is fucking hard. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you in your situation. Don't put yourself down, ever. There are enough people in this world who will try and do that to you.

You sound like a good mum. If you weren't then you wouldn't have bothered asking a load of strangers on the internet for their opinion in the first place.

I can't see any harm in asking him round for some wine and a takeaway. If you like him then go for it. Tell someone you trust that he is coming over and that you will contact them if there is a problem. But there probably won't be a problem. He'll come over, you'll have a nice evening and then he will go home. I would even tell the kids you are having a friend over, then if they get up when he is there, they will expect someone else to be sitting with mummy on the sofa.

ILoveTomHardy · 22/11/2013 16:50

Now then, stop all of that. Being an LP is fucking hard. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you in your situation. Don't put yourself down, ever. There are enough people in this world who will try and do that to you.

You sound like a good mum. If you weren't then you wouldn't have bothered asking a load of strangers on the internet for their opinion in the first place.

I can't see any harm in asking him round for some wine and a takeaway. If you like him then go for it. Tell someone you trust that he is coming over and that you will contact them if there is a problem. But there probably won't be a problem. He'll come over, you'll have a nice evening and then he will go home. I would even tell the kids you are having a friend over, then if they get up when he is there, they will expect someone else to be sitting with mummy on the sofa.

ILoveTomHardy · 22/11/2013 16:51

Bloody double post - sorry!

AmberLeaf · 22/11/2013 16:52

If this is how you start then it's unlikely to become anything else. That would be your relationship - he comes round while your kids are in bed

Well, given the OPs circumstances, it may have to be just that.

I can't see why he would want to date someone under those circumstances when he could be going out and having fun with someone else

WTH? Maybe he likes her?

OP now that you have given more detail, I have changed my opinion!

I know from my own experience how hard it can be having a relationship when you have a child with disabilities [let alone two!] You have to do things differently when there is no respite in sight.

Rosieliveson · 22/11/2013 16:54

I would! You know him as a friend already so it not like a random man you met and invited back.

AngelsLieToKeepControl · 22/11/2013 16:55

What a nasty thing to say Kelly

Given that you have known him for almost a year I think a chinese and movie would be fine actually. Your op made it sound like you didn't really know him.

I remember all those first date butterflies and agonising over what to wear, when the first kiss will be and how not to say something utterly stupid how exciting you have it all to come.

You will have to let me live vicariously through you us know how it goes Grin

KellyHopter · 22/11/2013 16:56

I'm must saying that given the choice of

Date #1 Nice meal out, get a bit squiffy in little pub, scenic walk to the train station. Decide on cinema next time etc
Or
Date #2 He comes round to yours. Decide next time that he'll come round to yours. (Which could be nice, but not when it's the only option. Ever)

What I'm saying is, debating whether to invite him round is the least of it - unless things change (and no, I'm not saying it would be easy for you to arrange alternatives, but someone is capable of looking after them other than you - you go to work after all) then him coming round is all that will ever happen. You must want more than that?

TeaAndSconesTwice · 22/11/2013 16:56

I would say yes op, it's not as if you don't know him & he is a stranger!

I can only imagine how difficult your situation is Hmm

Kellyhopter I think what you said was a bit below the belt Shock

SoonToBeSix · 22/11/2013 16:56

Yanbu he is a friend from work, it's not like you picked him up in a bar.
Have a lovely evening.
Also I would definitely be asking for disabled child assessments for your girls to get direct payment for babysitting etc.
Also Kelly have you considered the op's date might not be as superficial as yourself?

Igloofornow · 22/11/2013 16:56

Kelly your comments are nasty.

Mum, go for it, you need a bit of release and some adult company. A couple of glasses of wine sound lovely, I hardly think you will be downing vodka shots.

Enjoy your night, keep us posted Wink

paperlantern · 22/11/2013 17:01

I would say go for it!

Kelly your comments arw just nasty. if he was a decent guy just coming round and Time in good company would be enough

AmberLeaf · 22/11/2013 17:04

KellyHopter maybe you're not much company, so any of your dates have needed a meal and film to make it worth the while?

unless things change (and no, I'm not saying it would be easy for you to arrange alternatives, but someone is capable of looking after them other than you - you go to work after all) then him coming round is all that will ever happen. You must want more than that?

Childcare while working is one thing, evening babysitters for two children with disabilities is another.

Maybe him coming round will be 'all' that ever happens, but when you have the sort of caring responsibilities that the OP does, many things have to be sacrificed. What you want to happen is irrelevant in such cases.

UC · 22/11/2013 17:05

OP, I would go ahead. I would also ignore Kelly.

If you have DDs with medical needs and it's hard to get sitters, I don't swe how you can have any kind of social life at all without inviting peopke over. You've known this man for a year, you trust him I assume, and you're just planning on a night in with a Chinese, not to have a rampant sex orgy on the landing!!

Have a lovely time.