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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish feel a bit sad that my friends didn't even want to try breastfeeding?

404 replies

ClaireandGeorge · 22/11/2013 08:40

I know I'm probably going to get flamed for this.
Saw a friend with her 3 day old baby and she was moaning as her boobs were engorged and sore and I couldn't help but feel a bit sad that, that milk was meant for baby.
I understand a lot of women try and struggle or have problems that mean they can't. I totally get breastfeeding is difficult.
Another friend didn't want to breastfeed as her partner had said her boobs were for sex.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I understand it's a free world and we can all choose to do as we so wish. I have absolutely nothing against formula and I know plenty of beautiful babies and children that have thrived on it. It's just that it makes me a bit sad that my friends have chosen to ignore mother nature and not even give it a go.

OP posts:
Thatisall · 22/11/2013 17:00

Clareandgeorge yes I'd say it was quite normal to have these thoughts.
Kudos for not flouncing Smile

monicalewinski · 22/11/2013 17:03

ClaireandGeorge

The people who explaining why they couldn't/wouldn't/decided to stop bf are trying to let you know why you are unreasonable to be 'feeling sad' because of their feeding choice.

They have said that it was for (varied) personal reasons, and as they didn't want to share these reasons with all and sundry their default reply was "it just wasn't for me", or words to that effect.

This is your answer, this is why people don't/won't breastfeed - regardless of whether 'breast is best' or not. This is why you should not feel sad about them ff, because they have all made a decision which is right for them at that time.

Golddigger · 22/11/2013 17:06

1 maybe good point and 1 maybe not!

I think I am right in thinking that the National Childbirth Trust like volunteers to help new mums who want to breastfeed. It might suit yourself and others.
I personally could have done with one. Prob with all my children. Nurses even years ago dont have the proper time to commit to it. I got there in the end, but I considered giving up. Didnt help that I got mastitis with all of them either.

Now the more difficult point.
I think you are a regular poster? If you are you probably realise that this is one of the regualar contentious issues. So maybe it would have been better just to read a few of the old threads about it?
But yes, I realise I am not the thread police and som one can post about this subject all day for a week if they so wanted to.

Thatisall · 22/11/2013 17:10

monica the OP has NEVER referred to feeling sad about those who for whatever reason cannot bf. She has said that she wonders why a person would choose not to. That's a very different thing.
You can wonder about a persons decision without judging it

BabyMummy29 · 22/11/2013 17:11

I had no desire to breast feed and found the whole notion revolting.

Thankfully no-one came round from the breastfeeding police and told me what a terrilble mother I was

Original poster
ClaireandGeorge · 22/11/2013 17:11

But monica at what point did I say I felt sad for all formula fed babies? If that's how it came across then I am sorry. I have lots of friends and relatives who formula fed and as I said previously my thoughts when seeing babies is just awwww and how they are being fed doesn't even cross my mind.
For some reason it was just this one situation and question that made me feel this way.

OP posts:
Original poster
ClaireandGeorge · 22/11/2013 17:12

and baby I can't remember saying ff made you a terrible mother either?

OP posts:
BabyMummy29 · 22/11/2013 17:15

OP I'm just referring to the people who come round and try to persuade FF mums to BF, not to you personally.

Personal choice for me - I didn't want to get my boobs out in front of people!

aciddrops · 22/11/2013 17:18

UABU I chose not to breast feed my middle child for very good psychological reasons. He is the most well balanced child of the 3. No harm done.

monicalewinski · 22/11/2013 17:21

I came across more bluntly than I meant to, sorry.

What I am trying to say is that a lot of people (a few on this thread have actually said it) told people that bf "just wasn't for them" (ie implying that they just chose not to), because they have no desire to share their often complex and personal reasons for not bf.

You said you felt sad because her baby looked like it wanted to breastfeed, and she had the milk right there to give it but wasn't and it makes you a bit unhappy that people choose not to (that's how I interpreted it anyway).

I'm just saying that you shouldn't let yourself get upset at all because it's nothing more than a different feeding option, chosen by the mother for her own, personal reason, and it is not worth overthinking it to the point where you yourself feel sad or unhappy.

I hope that makes more sense, I can't convey my vocal expression on screen - it is not an attack, just an explanation!

Minifingers · 22/11/2013 17:24

YANBU

Breastfeeding is safer, fresher and better for babies than formula.

However, the rights of adults to do what's most convenient will ALWAYS trump the best interests of babies in relation to this issue, so you need to learn to live with it.

Thatisall · 22/11/2013 17:33

Baby
Your answer "I just don't want to get my boobs out" is (I think) what the OP was getting at/wondering about?

Incidentally you barely see any boob when you (discreetly) breast feed, but that's entirely your decision regardless.

I think it's interesting to hear why people don't give it a go and if breast truly is better for mum and baby then actually it's important that in a none judgemental way, we (society) find out why. Maybe finding out why will increase breast feeding rates rather than vouchers and pressure?

TinkerTailorSerialNameChanger · 22/11/2013 17:33

ooh Minifingers is at her best again!

Original poster
ClaireandGeorge · 22/11/2013 17:35

monica you didn't comr across bluntly so no apologies needed.
I don't generally feel sad for ff babies, why would I. I think perhaps I titled the thread wrong.
It was just this one situation. Friend mentioned her sore boobs were full of milk and for some reason it just made me feel a bit sad that baby wasn't getting it. I'm not saying her choice is wrong and anything but her own business although as said previously she had discussed feeding options with me.
I actually think now with hindsight it was combination of hormones, broodyness and very cute tiny newborn that mafe me feel like this.

OP posts:
Minifingers · 22/11/2013 17:41

It's true though.

Breast milk is better safer fresher.

It's also true that adults don't need what other people consider a good reason not to breastfeed.

Both things I've said are true. What's the problem?

TeacakeEater · 22/11/2013 17:42

Minifingers you'd catch more flies with honey.

thebody · 22/11/2013 17:43

think the op comes across very well to be honest.

I frankly couldn't give a shiny shite how anyone feeds their babies and am amazed anyone else does
but hey ho.

op as long as you keep your feelings to yourself. as you have obviously done, then you have the right to post the question.

Minifingers is your comment meant to he funny as it made me laugh. perhaps grown women should be made to breast feed? you are a one.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 22/11/2013 17:43

OP I agree completely and I have 2 ff children. I wanted to bf but this god damned obsession with formula means that very few people know how to resolve challenging bf issues anymore. I also feel sad for babies, mine included, because of the much mistaken notion that bf is all about the food so by providing food in another manner you have mitigated all of the effects of not bf. I adore my children and have no concern for our 'bond' but I firmly believe both the health and emotional well being of particularly my second child was affected by not bf and it turned out my first child is totally intolerant of cow's milk which is pretty shitty considering she was fed it in the early years. Obviously I do everything to mitigate the effects of that and I certainly don't feel guilty because like many women I did what I had to do in the circumstances I was faced with but I do blame the formula culture.

whereisthewitch · 22/11/2013 17:45

Im late to the discussion but OP I honestly think I know what you mean and I ff from 6 wks onwards. I couldn't and still can't understand why people don't even try it, I wanted only the best for dd from day dot so trying was always in the cards, I just underestimated how hard it would be and the mental toll it would take.
I guess im more sad about the fact that woman in this country arent supported enough if they choose to bf, sad it's not the more popular option but at the end of the day it's none of my business and I'd never say anything to anyone about it in rl and always encourage friends to do what makes them happy.

Im pregnant again and despite having an awful bfing experience with ny first I'm going to get back onthe horse. If it stresses me out or makes me feel like I did last time I will switch to formula without a glance back.

takeitonthegin · 22/11/2013 18:20

YABU to feel 'sad' for your friend. I'd be pretty annoyed if a friend of mine pitied me or felt sad for me because I chose to parent differently to her or made different choices for my children than she did.

Minifingers · 22/11/2013 18:20

'More flies with honey'

Plenty of honey here. Plenty. Drowning in it. I like to balance out the constant pandering to the needs of adults with the odd reminder that this isn't always a consequence free choice for babies.

I don't believe anyone should be forced or told to breastfeed. Sorry to disappoint. :-(

Minifingers · 22/11/2013 18:21

I think it's the baby the OP feels sorry for. Not the mum.

shroomvaroom · 22/11/2013 18:30

Some of the apathetic comments in this thread are frankly depressing. When my children were babies just about everyone I knew breastfed. Mothers who didn't were in the minority. Why the fuck wouldn't you breast feed? Cracked nipples? The latch is wrong. Mastitis? The latch is wrong. Worried about saggy boobs? I fed two babies for a total of 2 years and 17 years later my breasts look pretty much exactly the same as before, possibly even better Grin . Education is the key.You wouldn't expect to be able to drive a car without being shown.If you've tried and it really doesn't work for you, I sympathise. But if you can't be bothered to try because you're just a bit squeamish about it, I think it DOES make you a bit of a crappy mother actually. Get over yourself.This high-minded "I'm not a milking machine' attitude is silly. Every baby needs colostrum. There. Unpopular I'm sure, but also unapologetic. The 'ooh I mustn't judge' tone is ridiculous. Mothers are as judgey as fuck, and good job too.

cloggal · 22/11/2013 18:35

Minifingers even the most extreme posters on this thread have acknowledged though that it's not about convenience or choice for all. (Not that I care to be honest if it is, but to make out that all FF is inferior to BF is to disregard a lot of real experience, on this thread and elsewhere).

I agree with you about bm being safer, fresher. Better in most cases. And of course no one needs to justify their choice or lack thereof.

HaroldTheGoat · 22/11/2013 18:39

Mini the OP has stated she feels no sorrow for FF babies and thinks it was probably hormones and desire for a new baby which led to it? (Don't want to put words in your mouth OP)