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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wish feel a bit sad that my friends didn't even want to try breastfeeding?

404 replies

ClaireandGeorge · 22/11/2013 08:40

I know I'm probably going to get flamed for this.
Saw a friend with her 3 day old baby and she was moaning as her boobs were engorged and sore and I couldn't help but feel a bit sad that, that milk was meant for baby.
I understand a lot of women try and struggle or have problems that mean they can't. I totally get breastfeeding is difficult.
Another friend didn't want to breastfeed as her partner had said her boobs were for sex.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I understand it's a free world and we can all choose to do as we so wish. I have absolutely nothing against formula and I know plenty of beautiful babies and children that have thrived on it. It's just that it makes me a bit sad that my friends have chosen to ignore mother nature and not even give it a go.

OP posts:
Mia4 · 22/11/2013 13:57

I would be more sad qnd worried for the friend that you said was stuck in a very controlling relationship. That should be your focus op, that she is stuck with someone who calls all the shots rather then the not breastfeeding.

2goatytocare · 22/11/2013 14:06

I think it is sad that breasts have been sexualised so much that some people have forgotten what they are for

NothinToSeeHere · 22/11/2013 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2goatytocare · 22/11/2013 14:15

The only sad thing is when someone wants to BF but can't due to lack of support/knowledge, if someone makes the choice not to for their own personal reasons like NotYo then I don't see the upset, as long as the baby is loved. I BF all 3 of my DC and feel lucky

HaroldTheGoat · 22/11/2013 14:27

Maybe that's it OP, broody hormones are something else!

Nothing - horrible post.

HaroldTheGoat · 22/11/2013 14:27

Sorry nothing cross post.

HaroldTheGoat · 22/11/2013 14:28

It's rubbish though isn't it, wether you BF or FF you will get it in the neck from someone or another it seems.

confusedabouted · 22/11/2013 14:32

the thing is it has got to do with everyone else,it has a huge environmental impact,the energy that goes into making formula,the packaging,the health problems,i think that is everyones business,everything else seems to be!!!

I think its good formulas there for those who need it,its literally saved lives but i dont think it should be seen as normal,that part of the problem,breast milk is seen as some amazing heavenly thing,and formula is seen as fine,but actually breast milk is just fine,its just normal,what your body and the babys body expects.

dashingthroughthesnow · 22/11/2013 14:33

Some of the comments on here are exactly why I felt terrible not being able to BF. I disagree that there is pressure to FF - I found exactly the opposite. I was judged for having a bottle in my hand, as though I was doing the wrong thing for my baby. Walk in the other persons shoes before you sit in judgement. I couldn't feed my baby and this was the only solution

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 22/11/2013 14:37

I just wish people would stop caring. I the uk in 2013 it really does not matter if a baby is formula or breastfed. It's a non issue that people insist in whipping up into one for what reason? Who does it benefit for OP to 'feel a bit sad'? No-one- this debate does no-one any good. There really are proper issues to feel sad about when it comes to how babies are being cared for. Where their milk comes from is not one of those issues. It really isnt. People, as a whole, need to get over it already.

ToysRLuv · 22/11/2013 14:51

If a I ever have a second DC, I wish I could have the courage to decide to switch to formula a lot sooner than I did with DS. Maybe I should just bottle feed from birth for the sake of my mental health and bonding with DC.

With DS, my milk came in late (day 6, because of ECS and beginnings of PND), so my body forever struggled to catch up with DS's relentless demands. He screamed while trying to such an empty breast for hours. The latch and everything was right. Finally the nurses convinced me to give DS formula after 2 days of sleepless screaming and crying from us both. I tried to increase my supply desperately by pumping my breasts after every feed, after topping DS up with formula. I developed repetitive strain injury in my hand from the pumping and was an absolute and near-psychotic wreck, addled with guilt and crippling sleep deprivation, as DH couldn't help with the feeds.

After 2 months of this I was finally able to mostly ditch the bottles, but then DS developed severe silent reflux and absolutely refused to breastfeed. I offered bottles, which, bizarrely, he eagerly drank from, at which point I though "fuck this - I have tried my best", and stopped even trying to breastfeed.

I think breast was definitely the worst rather than the best for us, although I'm sure that some would say that I should have just persevered no matter what. I think all the guilt was a factor in my PND and severely hindered my bonding with DS (who I, during the first nightmareish weeks, only saw as a leech-like parasitic monster). I only managed to avoid hospitalisation through the help of DH, who was able to support me at home on most days at the detriment of his business.

You never know what people's reasons for stopping or never beginning breastfeeding actually are, as they might not want to tell you about physical or psychological problems.

monicalewinski · 22/11/2013 15:02

ToysRLuv

Flowers

I hope you are well past your pnd etc now, I had pnd and 2 reflux babies, it was always going to be hard for you in those situations whatever feeding method you were using tbh. FWIW I bottle fed from the off (choice) and still suffered badly, I can only imagine how hard it must have been adding guilt and pain to it all aswell.

You won't know what you will do until you actually have your next baby, but please don't feel guilt whatever you choose - that is what actually makes me sad about the whole feeding debate (as well as every other mother vs mother guilt debates we encounter). Whether you bf or ff does not make a blind bit of difference in the grand scheme of things - please, please ignore as best you can any guilt trips from either side.

ToysRLuv · 22/11/2013 15:10

monica: Thanks Smile

That was 4 years ago. I only felt somewhat recovered from my PND when DS was closer to 3 years old. I still have hard days, but at least I don't have to worry about breast feeding. Instead it's DS's, somewhat, fussy eating that worries me (mainly through other people's guilt tripping), but I try to relax about it as much as I can. We can't control everything - you can only try your best and listen to your gut.

Only1scoop · 22/11/2013 15:11

Toys R Luv great post....you have 0 to feel guilty about....and well summed up x

sandfrog · 22/11/2013 15:25

I have absolutely nothing against formula and I know plenty of beautiful babies and children that have thrived on it.

So, stop judging other people for no reason. Find something else to spend your time on, as this isn't to do with you.

monicalewinski · 22/11/2013 15:30

ToysRLuv

He'll get over his fussy eating too I'm sure, but never fear - there will ALWAYS be something else to come along and guilt you!! Wink

Glad you're feeling better.

Bubbles1066 · 22/11/2013 15:40

I think you feel sad as you are looking at it from your point of view. You enjoy or want to BF and feel it's best for baby, you want her to feel that too. You can't project how you feel onto other people. To be honest the thought of having to BF again is largely why I would never want another baby. So yes YABU.

BigFatGoalie · 22/11/2013 15:54

You have every right to feel how you feel (about anything really).
It's what you do and how you respond to those feelings that's important.
I have also felt sad for the same reasons before, but obviously would never EVER voice third emotions to anyone, especially to the mum involved. All mothers need to make their own choices.

Outofcontrolfreak · 22/11/2013 15:59

You are not being unreasonable - I totally agree with you OP :)

usualsuspect · 22/11/2013 16:00

Yabu.

BeCool · 22/11/2013 16:03

Save your tears OP - there are lots of people who feel like this.

HaroldTheGoat · 22/11/2013 16:05

Confused shall I come around and poke my nose in all aspects of your life and dustbins to assess your environmental credentials?

That's potty. Grin Come on. Potty.

ClaireandGeorge · 22/11/2013 16:47

I'm not quite sure why all thesr people seem to think I'm anti ff. I'm not, I totally think it's personal choice.
I don't need people to explain why they couldn't feed or why they decided to stop.
I actually didn't find breastfeeding easy for quite a long time and was pressurised from quite a few people to switch to formula. I didn't meet another bf mum until ds was around 5 months. I had another mum say the reason ds wasn't sleeping through at 8 weeks was because I was still breastfeeding. DP wanted me to switch ss he thought he could help more. So it works both ways for sure. I have never ever said anything to anyone about how they're feeding thier baby and I wouldn't even mention it unless they brought it up.
I will say it again because I don't think people always read the whole thread. I am not against ff, I am not judging my friend was just trying to see if it wss normal to feel a bit like this.

OP posts:
ClaireandGeorge · 22/11/2013 16:49

oh and becool I didn't cry about it although I did get a bit teary at the baby because she was so tiny and lovely and I was happy for my friend as it's what she wanted for s long time.

OP posts:
loveolives · 22/11/2013 16:50

I don't understand either, but we are lucky to have freedom of choice these days so parents must do what they see fit.