So fed up with DP's ridiculous arguments!

[MsPuddleDuck]

NC for this. I am so, so fucking fucked off this morning after another argument with DP.

Over breakfast I reminded him (in a nice chatty way, just everyday stuff) we had to take something in for school fair hampers and he has various unopened bottles of whisky around (to do with a work project, we could never even get through them) so could he choose one to donate and take in. We have previously discussed and agreed on this. He takes DS to school so I explain the box for donations is in the classroom and can he take it in (otherwise we are entrusting very scatty, forgetful DS with a litre of spirits which might not even find its way out of his bag and end up being accessed by other DC - methinks it's better to get it directly to the box. AIBU about that as well out of interest.)

DP immediately kicked off that he can't go into the classroom because "the flow of kids going in is too much and I wouldn't be able to get through". This is bollocks, DS's classroom is just through the entrance door, and I and other parents go in regularly to do reading help with no prob whatsoever. It's just that DP has an aversion to going into school or talking to the teacher, which causes a lot of problems as anytime someone has to drop something off or speak to the teacher he kicks off, or I have to swap with him and he has to do nursery run (causing logistical probs to do with car) etc etc.

I argued with this for a bit saying of course he can go in, I do it all the time etc etc but he decides to put the whisky in a carrier bag and make DS take it. I dropped it as I didn't want a row and things calmed down.

10 mins later he remarks that DS has been doing well with new homework set by learning support teacher, who we saw at a recent meeting (he did go into school for this, so it's not that he's desperately phobic or anything). It suddenly popped into my head that we have stopped communicating with LS teacher using notes, as she has asked us to do, since we had a slight change of routine and DP now supervises homework instead of me. He never sends any notes so I said "Oh could you write Mrs X a little note then to say it's going OK".

He immediately kicks off! "Oh don't be silly, why does she need a note, obviously the homework is being done blah blah" I explained that I used to do this regularly and Mrs X asks us to do it and it is just a way of keeping in touch. More kicking off and arguing, claiming he "can't write a note because I don't know what to put". I was getting really wound up by this point and pointed out he's a bloody professor, an education professional of 20 years standing who deals with students and staff all the time and is in charge of vast amounts of routine communications so there is no way he can't do this.

Then he switches to huge huffy mode and snaps "RIGHT then! I WILL write a note!" and starts angrily scribbling on a post-it. By now it is a full-scale row with shouting :( and once he gets going he also starts denying what went on earlier in the argument e.g. "I never said I wouldn't do it!" Also I didn't want the shitty note written in anger to go to Mrs X, so I told him that, cue more stropping.

I hate this. We had a similar row at the weekend and after that I SWORE I would NOT shout in front of the DC no matter how much he wound me up. But I've done it again. I did apologise to both DC and assured DS it was completely our fault and we would sort out the Mrs X communications soon.

The thing is, before you tell me to LTB (and believe me today I very much fancy the idea of not living with him), and I know everyone says this, but he is OK generally. He's supportive, he shows no general signs of EA like trying to control what I do or who I see, he's not critical, he's not violent, he doesn't mess me around. We do get on, love each other (AFAIK!), and have a lot in common. He does a lot of housework and childcare (admittedly I have had to push to get him to understand how much needs doing, but he rises to the challenge) and he is able to make changes to himself. He willingly admits he's naturally lazy and would happily take a back seat while I do everything, but as he knows I won't accept that, he does do his share.

So why this crappy rubbish arguing when I ask him to do something? The thing that drives me INSANE the most is that he talks utter nonsense. He just makes up barefaced lies as excuses for why he can't do something - "I can't get through the flow of children" - wtaf? He then also lies to my face about what he just said 30 seconds ago.

It makes me so fucking cross and then what should have been a simple reminder or discussion turns into shouting. I know it takes two but I don't know how to handle it. It's like the only other option if I'm not going to argue, is just take all the bollocks lying down and go along with his ludicrous claims and excuses. He's always been like this and most of our arguments are not really about anything, they're just about the argument itself IYSWIM why he said this and I said that etc.

Invariably, he will later say he was wrong and apologise (which is something I suppose), but god forbid I try to remind him of this during an argument, he just fights back more.

Sorry this is so long, thanks if you read it. I think it has helped me calm down just to get it out.

caruthers where does it say she wants things done her way? She asks him or reminds him to do something, he kicks off and it seems to end up with OP suggesting to him how to do it to get past the immediate barriers he puts up and to show him why what's she's asked is not that big a deal, which it isn't.

Hmm, just picking up on the fact that your DS has a learning support teacher. Would that be for any of the following -- ASD, dyspraxia, dyslexia, OCD?

A lot of what your DH is baulking at sounds like the reflexive panic that DS would have if asked to do something unexpected -- walk into a classroom against the flow? Write a note when you're not sure what to say? Aarghh!

So, do your DS and DH maybe share some difficulties? Just a thought.

As a teacher I wouldn't want a bootle left in the charge of a child.

You are being sensible imo.

or even a bottle

sparklysilversequins

caruthers where does it say she wants things done her way?

Of course she wants things her own way and she's even shouting in front of the children to boot which really isn't good is it?

There are loads of words in her OP pointing towards controlling behaviour from her.

Lancelottie, it's dyslexia, with some additional co-ordination and concentration difficulties and anxiety problems.

DP's brother has ASD.

However, in many ways both DS and DP (who are very alike) are great with spontaneity and very easy-going. Sudden changes of plan are't usually a problem and they both have a lot of (at least it seems to me, I realise I'm not an expert) non-ASD traits like being quite empathetic and having a good understanding of people's feelings.

Also - and I feel I HAVE to say this even if it sounds like I just have to be right - it wasn't against the flow of children. It was with the flow - a flow of approx one child at a time, in single file, entering a double door with a teacher standing there to keep things in hand. His reasoning was just complete and utter bullshit. THAT is why I get cross - it's not so much because he disagrees with me or wants to do things his way. If he said "I don't agree with you, I want to do it this way and this is why" I wouldn't find that so hard. It's the completely breathtaking, intelligence-insulting nonsense that winds me up.

A minor should not be in possession of a bottle of spirits, that's an adult responsibility.

The stroppy huffing and puffing makes him sound more like an over-dramatic teenager giving out because their parents are sooooo unfaiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrr .

Perhaps you need to st down one evening and have a calm chat about how to manage communications with the school etc?

I don't agree with you, I want to do it this way and this is why" I wouldn't find that so hard. It's the completely breathtaking, intelligence-insulting nonsense that winds me up

You sound more lovely by the minute.

I feel sorry for him I really do.

Well, it was the complete illogicality of his position that made me think of it, actually! The automatic 'Aargh, no, can't', followed by made-up reason for it, followed by grumpiness when you point out that the reason is bollocks

not that I do that myself, oooh no

OK caruthers, I am taking your comments on board, and I accept that AIBU, certainly in the view of some people on the thread, and certainly to some degree.

But I can't see why it is wrong to be annoyed by someone making up an excuse that it obviously untrue.

I don't like being instructed by DH, in fact i will dig in my heals.I am not an idiot who can manage a few simple tasks.

yes it does cause arguments, because yes I know something has got to be done I just dont need reminding 2414241224 times.

Trouble is in this household we have both of us making the crappy excuses, then looking shamefaced and remembering that one of us has to do it...

It can be very hard on the borderlines of NT-dom, if that's a possibility, because you pass for a capable adult a lot of the time whilst paddling like mad beneath the surface.

Thanks Lancelottie it helps when you spell it out. In a weird way that sequence of events has its own inner logic that I can understand, and helps me to see what might be going on for DP.

Actually I think in part it might be that to some degree at least the OP sees her way as the only way and everything else as going to hell in a handcart. When, in reality, there are lots of different ways to do things that work. In the end, it's only about how a bottle for the school fair hampers gets to school and how he manages communication with staff at the school over homework. Neither are actually going to hell in a handcart territory at all. I can't see how not handing in a bottle could have negative consequences for any of you and the homework is getting done (and not by you) and it is helping whatever it's supposed to help.

I say this because I have to deal with a DH who cannot in any way countenance that his way is not the only way to do things, and who issues me we sets of instructions and then complains about how I've done thinks. It's incredibly draining and frustrating and annoying and stressful.

It does sound like you might need to work on how you communicate with him. Telling him that he'll just have to apologise to your later during an argument is never going to help anything.

Can I make an alternative suggestion?

Boredom.

When 2 people are bored they argue and fight. The humdrum of daily life is boring and maybe it's just getting too much for you both?

These little things like writing notes for the teacher, donating to the school hamper, etc they can be grinding because they are all just so BORING!

I think that you need to re-connect. Take some time out. You might not be quite so nagging if you were more relaxed and chilled out and he might not pick little arguments either. Constantly snapping at each other does indicate that you are both fed up.

Get the kids in bed and cook a nice meal for you both; or get a babysitter. Make some time for each other once a month. Bring a little excitement into your lives.

People tend to make excuses because they are generally better received than "I don't want to do that" or "I can't see why we need to bother with that".

I can't see the issue with DH doing either of the things you suggest his way. And as he's the one doing the thing, it sounds like he gets the casting vote. If you want to send a note to the LS teacher and DH doesn't - why not write it yourself?

Is this a home/school diary?

AFAIK this is supposed to be done regularly, not just when there is a problem.

I don't think it's micromanaging to explain where the bottles are supposed to be put if you are the parent that has been given this information - that is just communicating relevant info.

Do you think your DH has some kind of social anxiety?

The stuff about making up lies and nonsense does also sound a bit like the stuff I get from DH. It's not necessarily 'lies'; it may well be that his perception of what's happening is not the same as yours and you are not necessarily right.

When you tell your partner that you'd find it difficult to do something for X reason, it is really not acceptable for them to tell you that you are wrong or that you are 'lying'. It is very unpleasant to be told that your reasons are not actually reasons and that you are not telling the truth.

Well knowing my DS (not to blame him for being scatty, but he is)...

• the bottle gets left where it shouldn't and found by another DC - who may or may not be responsible with it
• it gets broken which could be just hassle or could be dangerous.
• DS is found carrying a litre of single malt around all day and gets into trouble, which would be horrendously upsetting for him.

No, it's probably not a disaster but it could be unpleasant and it seemed (to me I admit) like a small effort to make to avoid these risks.

Re the note, no it isn't hell in a handcart territory either. I know that and I know I should stop stressing.

By hell in a handcart I mean the situation generally, if I stop either a) doing it all myself or b) reminding DP.

I think you're reading a lot into the OP's posts that isn't actually there caruthers.

If you know that he doesn't like going into school why ask him to do that! - we all have places/situations which we hate/feel uncomfortable in and where we would prefer not to be. I would just back off and try to understand that this is a place he prefers (mostly) not to be.

I don't think the OP is expecting her DH to do things her way, it sound to me she is just communicating to her DH the school's way.

When you have a child with an SEN you do need to be a bit more communicative with the school and not just assume that everything is going fine because you haven't heard to the contrary and that your impressions of how your child is doing are the same as the school's.

BTW sending a child into school with a bottle of spirits is kinda inappropriate. As you say, it could easily be broken and as a former TA myself I would have thought it very strange that the parent didn't hand it over. Surely no-one entrusts their child with a bottle of whisky to give to the teacher? Certainly not at primary?

But maybe everything would get easier and happier (for you and him) if you stepped back and stopped trying to control how everything is done and nagging your DH about doing it. Things won't necessarily go to hell in a handcart if everything is done differently to how you are currently thinking it must be done.

Arbitrary but what can you say then?

"I can't write a note"
"I can't physically walk into the school"

What do you say? "OK fair enough"? I find him saying those things infuriating because they are not true! I'm trying to accept we need to find better ways to interact - but they're not true, not in his book, not in my book, not in anyone's book. He has physically walked into the school before. He deals with lots of note-writing and sensitive and complex communications at work.

If I have to just accept that, it seems to me we can't discuss anything with any meaning, if it's OK for one party to just talk bullshit.

I'm totally prepared to be told where I'm going wrong here. But I don't get that.