Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel that my hair colour should be my choice?

107 replies

Nyssalina · 19/11/2013 22:48

I'm 31 and unfortunately going rather noticeably grey. It started when I was 25ish and I began dying it the same colour as my natural hair, occasionally with some highlights.

For various reasons it's been about 5 months since my last 'do', and unfortunately my roots are significant, 2-3inches, and the grey is obvious! But having not seen my own hair in years, and being as it costs upward of £60 for a salon cut & colour, I'd rather like to let it be. My only concern is that I'll look weird whilst it's growing out, and I'm also worried I'll look old, so I thought I'd ask DH's opinion, essentially to get reassurance that I was fine to leave it be.

But when I asked DH (who is also going as grey as I am at 30), in short he said that he thought as I was only 31 I should dye it as I'm a bit young to be going grey. I said that I didn't really care what the general public thought, but that I minded what he thought, and he said he thought it looked nice when I dyed it. But, said I, being as I don't really want to dye it, and it costs as much as it does, then why should I have to pay for it? And he said that he thought I took money for hair out of the joint account, and if I didn't, I should, he didn't mind.

I asked how he'd feel if I said I didn't like his going grey and tactfully left some Just for Men out, and he said hadn't asked me what I thought of his... Hmm

Right. So when I get my hair dyed, I now don't have to pay for it from my personal pennies (it'll be a house 'expense'), and my DH has made it clear that he likes it dyed, so am I being unreasonable if I still don't want to, mainly on the principle that I should be able to do what I like with my own hair?

OP posts:
MrsLettuce · 19/11/2013 22:51

YANBU, your choice, of course.

You were decidedly U and really rather daft to ask DH's opinion (and to me it read more like permission TBH) in the first place. There was no problem, was there? Before you asked him I mean.

Canthaveitall · 19/11/2013 22:52

Erm, you asked him. You don't like his reply. Then don't ask.

For what its worth you will almost certainly look younger with dyed hair.

Up to you though.

Yabu.

Lilacroses · 19/11/2013 22:53

Well yes, I agree you should but you did ask his opinion! I don't think his response was awful.

NatashaBee · 19/11/2013 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zatyaballerina · 19/11/2013 22:54

You can do what you like but you will be assumed older than you are, your husband may not be as attracted to you and he might be embarrassed to been seen with a grey haired lady in public. Grey hair = old.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 19/11/2013 22:55

YABU

Of course it's your choice but why did you ask him his opinion and then keep pushing him to change his mind?

BillyBanter · 19/11/2013 22:55

I don't ask people's opinions if I don't want to hear them because I don't like hearing opinions I don't like. It's ok for him to have that opinion but it's not unreasonable for you to have your hair whatever colour you want either.

Lilacroses · 19/11/2013 22:56

My Dp really suits salt and pepper hair, it works really well with her dark brown skin. My mum otoh looks great with some subtle highlights in her grey/white hair, she looks alot older without them....not that that it matters, it's entirely up to her, but if she asked me I would say that I thought she looked great with the highlights.

ImagineJL · 19/11/2013 22:57

You asked for his opinion, he gave it. Does it have to be really expensive? Can't you just buy hair dye and put it in?

Latara · 19/11/2013 22:58

It's up to you of course; you can look how you want and it's definitely not up to your DH.

Personally I don't like grey hair on women and tbh not many younger men can get away with it either - it is very ageing.
I'm 37 and have highlights to hide the grey.

Original poster
Nyssalina · 19/11/2013 22:59

You're right, I did ask, and I probably shouldn't have done in hindsight, because I'm pretty sure he'd never come out of his own accord and say 'when are you getting your hair done, it's looking a bit rough'.
I think it's just that the double standard that women going grey look old and men going grey look 'distinguished' pisses me off.

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 19/11/2013 23:00

Maybe she's embarrassed to be seen with a grey haired man in public.

Or is it only women that must not look old?

TreaterAnita · 19/11/2013 23:05

I'm pitying your husband a bit here TBH. You asked him what he thought about your hair as his view is more important to you than Joe Public's. he told you he prefers it dyed. You pointed out it was costing you personally a fortune, he's happy for you to take it out of the household purse. Unless I'm missing something here, eg there is no household money left and he doesn't realise, then yes, YABU.

And yes, YWBU to leave Just For Men out for him if he didn't ask for your opinion on his hair.

He's not asking/forcing you to dye it, you asked for his preference and he told you.

And, honestly, at 31 grey hair will make you look older than you are, but it's up to you whether you give a rat's arse about that.

Original poster
Nyssalina · 19/11/2013 23:05

Apparently so usual. Women must be presentable at all times. TBH I expect women I meet will be even more judgy than then men if I let myself go grey.

OP posts:
flipchart · 19/11/2013 23:06

I'm agreeing with the other posters.
Don't ask for an opinion if there is only one answer you want to hear. You may not get it.

I would bloody hate to be grey at 31. I'm nearly 49 and haven't got a grey one yet but as soon as I do it will be gone!
It's not about ageing, I'm embracing it quite well, it's just that most people look washed out with a grey head.

usualsuspect · 19/11/2013 23:08

The women on here judging you for daring to have grey hair says as it all really.

Original poster
Nyssalina · 19/11/2013 23:08

I didn't actually leave out J4M for him, Anita! I was just trying to ask how he'd feel if the tables were turned and I asked him to dye his hair. I don't mind you, unfortunately for my (apparantly rather U) outrage he does look good with salt 'n' pepper hair.

OP posts:
PowerPants · 19/11/2013 23:08

I am half grey at 45. i asked DH what he thought and he could not care less. It's other women who hate it and ask me why I do not dye it.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 19/11/2013 23:10

I'm not judging op for going grey, I think the double standards are awful

But I still think she was bu to ask for an opinion and then get pissed off when it's given

ArtexMonkey · 19/11/2013 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Nyssalina · 19/11/2013 23:12

I'd just like to see what it would look like. It's not all grey, it's mostly black with probably every 5th hair white. I mean, the thing is, when does it stop? Should I be expected to dye it up to age 85 when I'm allowed to get a blue rinse instead? Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Nyssalina · 19/11/2013 23:15

That's good to know Artex Smile Good to know there's ladies out there rocking the grey!

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 19/11/2013 23:16

Next time you speak to your DH, perhaps you should consider giving him a script so he knows how his side of the conversation should go?

Will grey hair make you look older? Yes. Should your DH care about this? No. Does he care about this? Probably. Is it unfair that, as a general rule, women are supposed to dye their hair but men don't have to? Yes. However, the flip side of this us that often men are mocked for dyeing their hair, but it's perfectly acceptable for women to.

2 or 3 inches of grey roots probably don't look terribly attractive so if you do care about your appearance (not saying you should, BTW), it might be worth either cutting it short or dyeing it grey.

ArtexMonkey · 19/11/2013 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zatyaballerina · 19/11/2013 23:18

There is a double standard of what's expected from men and women. Just as I would be repelled if dp decided he wanted to walk around in a dress, it's sexist but I don't find men in dresses (or anything remotely feminine) sexy. Most men aren't attracted to women who look like their grannies.

You can do whatever you like to your hair or the rest of your body, let yourself go to prove a point to yourself if you want. You will look older, your husband will be less attracted to you and women will no longer see you as competition. If you can be happy with that, go ahead, just don't expect your husband to be particularly impressed.