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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel that my hair colour should be my choice?

107 replies

Nyssalina · 19/11/2013 22:48

I'm 31 and unfortunately going rather noticeably grey. It started when I was 25ish and I began dying it the same colour as my natural hair, occasionally with some highlights.

For various reasons it's been about 5 months since my last 'do', and unfortunately my roots are significant, 2-3inches, and the grey is obvious! But having not seen my own hair in years, and being as it costs upward of £60 for a salon cut & colour, I'd rather like to let it be. My only concern is that I'll look weird whilst it's growing out, and I'm also worried I'll look old, so I thought I'd ask DH's opinion, essentially to get reassurance that I was fine to leave it be.

But when I asked DH (who is also going as grey as I am at 30), in short he said that he thought as I was only 31 I should dye it as I'm a bit young to be going grey. I said that I didn't really care what the general public thought, but that I minded what he thought, and he said he thought it looked nice when I dyed it. But, said I, being as I don't really want to dye it, and it costs as much as it does, then why should I have to pay for it? And he said that he thought I took money for hair out of the joint account, and if I didn't, I should, he didn't mind.

I asked how he'd feel if I said I didn't like his going grey and tactfully left some Just for Men out, and he said hadn't asked me what I thought of his... Hmm

Right. So when I get my hair dyed, I now don't have to pay for it from my personal pennies (it'll be a house 'expense'), and my DH has made it clear that he likes it dyed, so am I being unreasonable if I still don't want to, mainly on the principle that I should be able to do what I like with my own hair?

OP posts:
Whatdoiknowanyway · 19/11/2013 23:18

My hair started going grey in my twenties. It's completely white now and has been for about five years (I'm 50). I've never dyed it and I get lots of compliments on it. My face never looked old and the combination of young face and(well groomed)grey or white hair can look really good.
My husband always liked it though so I was never under any pressure to colour it.

Original poster
Nyssalina · 19/11/2013 23:19

I've often thought that MsVestibule. He's terribly bad at knowing when I really want an opinion, and when I just want him to agree with me Wink
As I've said, it's not actually grey, it's just going grey, so dying it grey would then give me black roots and wouldn't solve the problem. If I want to grow the roots out I'll have to look like a fool until they're gone.

OP posts:
CarryOnDancing · 19/11/2013 23:20

I think the main point is, he asked asked you to dye your hair or said it's not your choice.
He's just answered when you've asked his preference. Of course his preference will be for you to look how he's always known you to look. He's not saying he won't still be attracted to you-just that if he did have a choice that's what he'd go for. It hardly seems bizarre!

Grey hair is a signifier of age as it happens because you have aged. I don't really think society is being judgemental if they view you as being older. You are older and your hair colour is a pointer to that.
It's your choice if you care about what it means to be viewed as older.

I think you should go easy on your DH and I can't really answer if you are being unreasonable as nobody has told you your hair colour isn't your choice.

usualsuspect · 19/11/2013 23:22

Oh give over ,zatyaballerina

Would you insist your DP dyed his hair if he started going grey.

Or wear a wig if he went bald?

MrsLettuce · 19/11/2013 23:24

I'm not greying at all yet, somehow Hmm BUt, all this palava stopping the dye is why I've always said I'm not going start with the damned stuff. Probably be easier to carry off now than 10 years ago mind.

The jump from dyed to grey is always going to be more of a shock to the system than just letting it creep on through and adapting ones style along the way. TBH the whole growing / cutting out dye thing sounds terrifying - they sure got us hooked.

ArtexMonkey · 19/11/2013 23:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsLettuce · 19/11/2013 23:26

Can hair dressers strip colour? I've no idea. Maybe. DO know there are forums dedicated to the process of greying from dye.

usualsuspect · 19/11/2013 23:28

Don't want to look like you are going out with your grandad do you?

Best book him in for some botox.

Whatdoiknowanyway · 19/11/2013 23:31

Btw, just read zatya's comment. What a load of tosh.letting your hair go grey does NOT equate to letting yourself go. I don't wear make up either but I still look great (and that's not just my opinion, I've had enough people asking if my hair colour is natural and saying they would let theirs go grey if they knew it would look like mine to have confidence in how it looks). I still get chatted up in the street and in the supermarket. I'd hate to be as lacking in confidence as zatya's and other's comments suggest they are.

Original poster
Nyssalina · 19/11/2013 23:32

MrsLettuce, that's just it, I wish I'd never started!
Thinking about it, I could maybe just get myself some Shaders & Toners (do they still exist?!) and do the roots with semi permanent whilst they're growing out. It'll be a pain mind you. And I resent it when I don't mind it!

OP posts:
defineme · 19/11/2013 23:32

It's the choice we make isn't it?
Make up, removing facial/body hair (some of us would have full on beards you know), skirts, heels.
I can never work out whether it's oppression or fashion.
I have friends in their 40s with nice grey hair, I'm afraid I know no 30 somethings, but I like Caitlin Moran's and she's had white streaks for a while.
My dh prefers me with long hair, it's not the deciding factor, but I take it into account, just as he takes my hating a particular hoody into account too.

WorraLiberty · 19/11/2013 23:32

He gave you his opinion because you asked for it

It's not like he's forcing you to dye your hair

And you can pick up a box of dye for £4 in the supermarket should you wish to continue.

If you don't want to continue dying it then don't

But don't ask for opinions you don't want to hear.

FWIW my Mum's hair went a gorgeous silver colour when she finally grew her dye out...and so many people asked her what shade she was using Grin

Original poster
Nyssalina · 19/11/2013 23:33

Grin @ usual & Artex

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 19/11/2013 23:34

Oh I've just remembered OP

Some woman on TV the other day, mentioned that she has a root spray?

Like a spray on hair colour when her roots start to show through. Maybe you could try something like that as well as the toners?

gobbynorthernbird · 19/11/2013 23:34

I stopped dying my hair when I was about your age. I have an awesome silver streak now and don't look any older than I am. I'd rather the grey than a bad dye job or unhealthy hair.
I don't think dyed hair makes most people look younger, it makes them look like they have dyed hair, much as most botox/fillers etc just make people look 'done'.

Yamyoid · 19/11/2013 23:37

Have a look at the Facebook page Greyvolution.
Just get a really good haircut and try out being natural.
Sorry no suggestions other than temporary dyes for your roots growing out.

NoComet · 19/11/2013 23:40

DH likes my legs shaved, only happens in Summer.

He can express an opinion, but you don't have to take any notice.

Sadly, I do have to do as DDs tell me, so no red streaks. They would refuse to be seen with me.

Original poster
Nyssalina · 19/11/2013 23:41

Defineme, you're right, it's a very thin line between oppression & fashion, and it's down to where we draw that line ourselves. To be honest I do as little as I can get away with!

For instance, I don't wear makeup day to day, but I do shave my legs (because otherwise people might think a gorilla had escaped from the zoo).

DH knows that I've always been a bit of a tomboy, and he likes most of the stuff that comes with that. TBH I think I might say 'look, I know I asked, but I think I'm going to let it grow out at see how I feel. I might just hate it and end up dying it again, but I'd like to to see how it looks.' I don't think it'll offend him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nyssalina · 19/11/2013 23:42

Thanks for the tips everyone, at least I've got some ammo for giving it a go!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 20/11/2013 00:01

Just don't say anything OP

Do what you want. It doesn't sound as though he's trying to stop you doing your own thing anyway.

TheFarSide · 20/11/2013 00:19

I guess on some level you want him to love you just the way you are (ie grey) which is quite reasonable. And you are annoyed about the double standards applied to men and women, which is also reasonable.

I gave up dyeing my hair a year ago and now have silver hair. It suits my skin tone and makes me look younger and softer. I have had a lot of compliments. My DH wasn't keen - I think he didn't want to face the fact that we are both getting old - but he has come round to the idea.

Some people associate grey with old because so many people (women) dye their hair that we assume greyness doesn't kick in until our 60s or 70s - whereas in fact it's quite common for people to start going grey in their 20s and 30s.

If you want encouragement, there's a thread on here "Anyone fancy going grey this year" started by a Mumsnetter in January where a load of us supported each other in giving up the hairdye. I also recommend the Facebook page "Going Grey, Looking Great" which is full of women of all ages and types who have decided to give up dyeing their hair - they all look fabulous.

Just go for it!

Shonajoy · 20/11/2013 08:08

I'm growing mine out, can't wait to see it when it's all gray. I've had light highlights put in to try and help it blend in.

KittensoftPuppydog · 20/11/2013 08:37

Do what you want, but if money is an issue, a pack of Garnier is only a fiver. Very easy to use too.

AlberodiMele · 20/11/2013 09:06

I've stopped dyeing my hair, mainly because I was sick of putting chemicals on it every few weeks. I'm 40so a bit older than you but I think that if you look after your hair, get a good cut and keep yourself looking good generally, it really shouldn't make you look any older than you are. There are quite a few blogs out there of people who've done it and look great. Try howbourgeois.blogspot.co.uk/p/its-gray-hair-party.html?m=1 (hope that worked) she's in her 30s and looks fabulous.

ThoraNomiki · 20/11/2013 09:15

Apparently hair starts to go grey to compliment the natural change to our ageing skin tone. So your natural few grey hairs growing through will probably suit you better than the colour you dye it. If you go to the hairdressers they'll suggest ways to allow your natural hair to grow through without the rigid block line of dyed hair/natural hair (highlights/lowlights or a mixture of the two).
If everyone let their hair go grey it would be the norm and that is what people would consider to be attractive on a woman. It's one of those problems that we didn't have before the solution became available. Like push-up bras and Glade plug-in Sanpro Grin