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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel that my hair colour should be my choice?

107 replies

Nyssalina · 19/11/2013 22:48

I'm 31 and unfortunately going rather noticeably grey. It started when I was 25ish and I began dying it the same colour as my natural hair, occasionally with some highlights.

For various reasons it's been about 5 months since my last 'do', and unfortunately my roots are significant, 2-3inches, and the grey is obvious! But having not seen my own hair in years, and being as it costs upward of £60 for a salon cut & colour, I'd rather like to let it be. My only concern is that I'll look weird whilst it's growing out, and I'm also worried I'll look old, so I thought I'd ask DH's opinion, essentially to get reassurance that I was fine to leave it be.

But when I asked DH (who is also going as grey as I am at 30), in short he said that he thought as I was only 31 I should dye it as I'm a bit young to be going grey. I said that I didn't really care what the general public thought, but that I minded what he thought, and he said he thought it looked nice when I dyed it. But, said I, being as I don't really want to dye it, and it costs as much as it does, then why should I have to pay for it? And he said that he thought I took money for hair out of the joint account, and if I didn't, I should, he didn't mind.

I asked how he'd feel if I said I didn't like his going grey and tactfully left some Just for Men out, and he said hadn't asked me what I thought of his... Hmm

Right. So when I get my hair dyed, I now don't have to pay for it from my personal pennies (it'll be a house 'expense'), and my DH has made it clear that he likes it dyed, so am I being unreasonable if I still don't want to, mainly on the principle that I should be able to do what I like with my own hair?

OP posts:
LaRegina · 20/11/2013 12:24

Sorry but YABU. Sounds to me like you were looking for an argument with your H so you could make a point... Smile

But if you don't want to dye your hair, then don't - it's completely up to you.

Personally I do think women (and men) look much older with grey hair -but surely that's just a fact as the older you are, the more grey hair you get!

Floggingmolly · 20/11/2013 12:25

How much does it have to cost? Could you not buy one of those little boxes for £4.99 and do it yourself?

LaRegina · 20/11/2013 12:25

And PS why can't you just do it yourself at home (if you want to do it that is...).

£4.50 for a root touch up kit from the chemist Smile

LaRegina · 20/11/2013 12:26

X-posted Smile

BlueStones · 20/11/2013 12:28

Just an aside, OP: I'm also greying but have found the Henne Color range really good; it's gentle on your hair and looks natural (and it's only £3.50 a box). That's if YOU want to colour your hair, having considered your husband's views.

Rather puzzled by Zatya's inference that "other women not seeing you as competition" is somehow a bad thing. I don't want women to see me as competition. Why would I?

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 20/11/2013 12:30

Tell him to get to fuck.

Davsmum · 20/11/2013 12:45

You shouldn't ask someone's opinion if you expect them to give the answer you have decided is the right answer.

You should do what you want, not what anyone else wants but don't start moaning if they disagree with you!

sandfrog · 20/11/2013 13:52

Well said SilverApples

Thants · 20/11/2013 15:50

Yanbu he should have told you it looks fine either way cos ofc that is true. There is nothing wrong with grey hair as he should know having it on his own head!

ElizabethBathory · 20/11/2013 16:04

He hasn't actually seen you with your natural hair since it's been greying, has he? Both of you might like it. I have a couple of black-haired friends in their early 30s who have loads of silver streaks and it looks cool. Several inches of roots don't tend to look great, so maybe that's partly what he's going by.

TheWitTank · 20/11/2013 16:06

I actually feel a bit sorry for the bloke. Yes of course you are allowed to do what you want with your hair. If that means letting it go grey then why not! However, you did ask his opinion which he gave. I don't think he was impolite. Would you rather he had lied? He hasn't said you are not allowed to have grey hair-he has said he prefers it dyed and offered to pay for it -maybe because you raised the cost issue and he thought you were concerned about money? If you really didn't want his opinion, you shouldn't have asked-sorry. We can't always get the answers we want.

ElizabethBathory · 20/11/2013 16:08

Also, agree with Feminine - dyed hair almost always looks fake. I'm not saying it can't look good, but it's usually very obvious that it's dyed.

flipchart · 20/11/2013 16:17

Tell him to get to fuck.
Why? Just because he gave his opinion as asked for?
Poor bloke.

purrtrillpadpadpad · 20/11/2013 16:20

Just to add my 2p worth. I dyed my hair because I am female and I was led to believe that's what we do. Two years ago I stopped doing it and now all traces have gone. My own natural hair colour is lovely, and my hair is in much better condition. And I don't have to keep up a fake block of colour on my head from a box from the supermarket. I haven't let myself go. I've let myself move on to more important stuff, like liking myself as I am. Not 100% by any means but I'm much further on than some folk on this thread...

Go for it Op! It'll be liberating.

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 20/11/2013 16:21

Well, he didn't just give an opinion, he said the OP 'should dye it' and that she was 'a bit young to be going grey' as if it was her fault/responsibility!

I think an honest opinion is not always the best idea. In this situation perhaps the most tactful thing would be to say 'Why don't you try dyeing it once, if you want, and see if you like it'.

Joysmum · 20/11/2013 16:22

You asked his opinion, he gave it, you didn't agree with him

A box of hair dye costs a fiver, not all of us want to pay salon prices.

My hubby likes me best with blond hair, my daughter likes me with brown hair and I like red hair! People have different tastes and there's nothing wrong with that.

flipchart · 20/11/2013 16:29

Headless But surely that is conversation and his point of view.
One may not like it but usually you don't give one word answers but when asked for your opinion and give it and then follow up with why you think that. The other person may not agree or indeed like what has been said but seeing that they instigated the chat should take it on the chin so to speak.
Saying he should get to fuck is simply stupid.

ElizabethBathory · 20/11/2013 16:31

As far as I can tell, he's given his opinion and hasn't told the OP she 'should' do anything. It would have been far more tactful of him to say 'it doesn't matter what I think, I love you no matter what your hair is like', but she did explicitly say to him 'it matters to me what you think of my hair'.

If she decides to go grey and he starts making negative remarks about it, that would be far more telling.

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 20/11/2013 16:35
Biscuit
TheWitTank · 20/11/2013 16:38

Agree flipchart- she asked, he told, honestly. I would much rather someone gave me a truly honest opinion than made up some shit to make me happy. He hasn't said he is going to leave her if she goes grey. He hasn't told her to dye it. He has said he THINKS it looks better dyed. Do you know what? If she had not even mentioned it and just left it to grow out he probably wouldn't even have noticed for weeks. I doubt he really gives a shit-it's hair! The OP should do as she wishes regardless of who says what, but he shouldn't be shot down for giving his opinion.

flipchart · 20/11/2013 16:41

Hey, what's with the biscuit?

Grin I merely stated my opinion!!
diddl · 20/11/2013 16:47

Well OPs husband thinks she's too young to be grey.

That's a bit different to having seen her grey & preferring it dyed.

Plus offering to pay is pushing her in that direction, isn't it?

FrauMoose · 20/11/2013 16:48

I don't think I care about looking 'old' - in the sense of being a 54 year old with grey hair. I think happiness is very tied up with self-acceptance.

I do care about staying healthy and eating a decent diet.

I think it would worry my partner if I suddenly started eating junk food or neglecting myself in some way. But we are -fairly happily - growing older together.

If anyone thinks I've let myself go, they are welcome to their opinion. In the meantime I am happy to get on with my life without regular boring expensive chemical treatments,

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 20/11/2013 16:49

So did I!

I wouldn't imagine the OP would just literally say 'Get to fuck' to her DH anyway, even if she agreed with me. It was just a shorthand answer to convey what I thought her position should be, suitable (I thought) for a fast-moving, irreverent and relatively light-hearted forum.

Original poster
Nyssalina · 20/11/2013 20:04

Woah! Lots of answers!
Yeah, in hindsight I'm feeling a bit sorry for my DH, I did put him in an awkward spot and then pounce when he said the wrong thing. I was pissed off that he didn't just say 'do what you like sweetie, you always look awesome', but he's the type of guy that doesn't realised some questions only have one right answer when your wife is in a certain mood! Wink

I am quite shocked by the amount of women that still think I should dye my hair to keep up appearances, even when I've said I don't want to!! It's not an issue of cost, and if I'm going to do it, then the hairdressers is way more pleasant than the home dying process (the plastics gloves! The dripping down the back of your neck! The realising there's a fuck off brown stain in the middle of your bath mat!), the issue as I've already said is just that I want to see what I look like without dye.

Just because he's said he likes it dyed doesn't mean I have to do it. As someone said further up the Fred said, I'm sure if I asked him, he'd say he likes me to shave my legs all the time, but in the dead of winter, will I bother? Probably not.

OP posts: