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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not weep at international & other tragedies?

187 replies

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/11/2013 08:56

I get that what's happened in the Philippines is a terrible thing or that it's shocking when children are starved to death by parents etc. But I don't understand why others get so emotionally involved to the point of 'weeping'. How do they get through the day if they find all these things to which they are not directly connected so physically distressing? How do they get to the end of a newspaper? There's always something tragic happening somewhere after all. Anyone else save their emotions for problems closer to home or am I just a hard-hearted Hannah? AIBU for not sobbing?

OP posts:
Opalite · 19/11/2013 18:17

and I think your choice to judge them can be very damaging

RevelsRoulette · 19/11/2013 18:18

Do you mean the feeling of actual emotion that you would feel privately and without telling anyone, or the public showing of emotion in order to gain attention for yourself?

I sometimes do the former. I've felt a lump in my throat many a time.

I don't do the public weeping and wailing, chest beating and clothing rending at other people's tragedies or do the whole "I'm sobbing here" crap because I see that as an attempt to use other people's situations to turn it into All About You. I think that's a revolting thing to do and nothing at all to do with genuine empathy.

Opalite · 19/11/2013 18:22

I am assuming that none of you are mind-readers, this means that none of you know what someones intentions are when they express their emotions or if they even have an intention. Ffs when people are very upset they don't always think logically. Is it so crazy that someone could be upset about something happening to another human being, 'they MUST be attention seeking' 'they're doing it so people feel sorry for them' I cannot get my head around this mindset and I think it can be very damaging!

swannylovesu · 19/11/2013 18:26

i last cried at toy story 3, but i think every adult in the cinema had "something in their eye"

Before that was 9/11 as it happened. i was 5months pregnant and became an emotional wreck for a few weeks.

I do get why people get upset about things they see on the news, one of my old fb friends used to try and put herself into the shoes of someone in the tragedy and that used to nark me no end!!

Anniegetyourgun · 19/11/2013 18:26

Can you really not see a difference between feeling sorry for someone else and going on and on about how YOU feel about their problems? That's not natural empathy, it's emotional Tourette's.

YouTheCat · 19/11/2013 18:26

I don't need to read minds. It's there on facebook, in all its mawkish detail.

There is no need to enter into an 'I'm more sensitive than you' competition on fb.

Way to twist my words - I have already said I have no problem with people expressing their sadness over events, even on fb. For example, I'd have no problem with someone posting how awful the whole situation in the Phillipines is. The problem I do have is with competitive grief.

Opalite · 19/11/2013 18:27

Anniegetyourgun, people express their emotions in different ways do you not understand this?

Opalite · 19/11/2013 18:28

YouTheCat, you are assuming that you know their reasons for posting these things, you don't.

RevelsRoulette · 19/11/2013 18:30

Oh please. Grin you think it's not a piece of piss to see the difference between genuine emotion that has the other person as its focus and 'look at me look how other people's tragedies are impacting on me everybody look at me I need the attention let's make this all about how I feel'?

That's like saying that you can't tell the difference between someone saying you look nice and meaning it and someone saying you look nice and meaning you look like a pile of shit and I sneer at you Grin

People say more than their words. It's not difficult to tell the difference.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/11/2013 18:31

No, all the rational people in the world feel and behave exactly as I do, always Hmm

Opalite · 19/11/2013 18:32

I find it sad that people can be criticised so harshly for sharing how they're feeling.

Opalite · 19/11/2013 18:33

RevelsRoulette, every single person is different, it really isn't up to you to judge what their intentions are when they share the way they are feeling or express their emotions publicly

RevelsRoulette · 19/11/2013 18:38

Well, it is. Obviously. If someone spews emotion all over the place, they are inviting opinion on that. Anything you choose to do publicly puts you in a position where those who view it will form a view on it. People will look at your behaviour and form an opinion without even deciding consciously to do it! whether it feels like genuine emotion that is about the other person or whether they appear to be using it in order to gain some sort of attention, validation or support for themselves.

You don't say hmm, let me take a moment to analyse the way this person is displaying emotion and reach a conclusion / I will refrain from analysing this behaviour because it is not my place to do so.

You just look/read/listen/whatever and you know. You feel it. You can't decide to not feel it.

You can choose to not say anything about it. You can choose to dismiss it. You can choose to do whatever the hell you like with the opinion you have formed. But you will always form one. It's impossible not to. You'd have to cut off all your senses to achieve that.

BumPotato · 19/11/2013 18:43

I cried when I saw William and Harry walking behind their mother's coffin. I also cried at the end of The Champ. The two were the same for me emotionally. I didn't know Di personally so didn't grieve.

I think some of the poverty and sufferng on this earth is heartbreaking when you see how much many of the same impoverished countries spend on arms. I don't cry over it though.

A few posts on here from Mumsnetters who have lost their children have made me tearful. Not wailing or crying buckets but moved and grateful that I haven't (hopefully never) have had their experiences.

I bypass all that guff on Facebook about likes for poor kids, because it doesn't make one bit of difference to the people involved.

YANBU OP

Opalite · 19/11/2013 18:46

If they are doing it for attention then they are obviously insecure. Why should they be criticised? Is harshly judging and criticising someone publicly better than what they're doing? I think it's far worse and more damaging with more of a negative effect. I don't think these people are aiming to upset anyone whereas slagging people off could easily have that effect

PresidentServalan · 19/11/2013 18:51

I have been criticised in the past for admitting I have no emotional reaction to this sort of thing. Anything to do with animals makes me upset, I can cry at certain films (in fact I refuse to watch the John Lewis ad after seeing it for the first time!) and, for example, if one of my FB friends' pets die, but otherwise nothing.

RevelsRoulette · 19/11/2013 18:54

Is anybody on the thread advocating challenging such a person? Apologies if anyone has, but I haven't read that. Of course you wouldn't say shut up, attention seeker to someone wailing on facebook about how terrible it is for them to have to see other people in terrible situations and how much it's affecting them. But it doesn't mean it's not exactly what you'd be thinking.

Opalite · 19/11/2013 18:56

Revels, you aren't only thinking it though. You are publicly criticising these people like I stated above-

'If they are doing it for attention then they are obviously insecure. Why should they be criticised? Is harshly judging and criticising someone publicly better than what they're doing? I think it's far worse and more damaging with more of a negative effect. I don't think these people are aiming to upset anyone whereas slagging people off could easily have that effect'

RevelsRoulette · 19/11/2013 19:00

Oh. I assumed you meant directly criticising them in a way that they could see.

Do you think that anyone who is like that has the self awareness to recognise themselves as this?

I don't.

I think if they could see themselves like that, they wouldn't do it.

So I don't think they would recognise themselves in anything typed here.

They would put themselves in the other category of empathising with other people.

YouTheCat · 19/11/2013 19:04

So I'm not allowed to hide their posts and inwardly roll my eyes at them?

harticus · 19/11/2013 19:04

If you don't want people to think you are an attention-seeking dick for hijacking emotional situations for your own weird gratification then it is best to keep it to oneself.

The minute you go public with anything through social media - particularly on that soul-destroying shithole Facebook - then you are inviting criticism.

Opalite · 19/11/2013 19:45

I really think you are generalising RevelsRoulette. Every human is different, I thought we all knew that.
You are all talking about people who are attention seeking yet you cannot read minds and you do not KNOW what their intentions are. Some people do get very upset about these things, it's natural and it's not wrong. I don't see the problem with sharing your emotions and I think bottling things up is unhealthy.

Opalite · 19/11/2013 19:47

I can't stand this whole 'people who are like that' thing as if there is a one size fits all... Peoples personalities are never just one-sided, there may be aspects you don't like but to harshly judge these people can have a negative effect,

Opalite · 19/11/2013 19:48

I think that a lot of what has been said on this thread is extremely hypocritical

YouTheCat · 19/11/2013 19:50

How?