to not weep at international & other tragedies?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I get that what's happened in the Philippines is a terrible thing or that it's shocking when children are starved to death by parents etc. But I don't understand why others get so emotionally involved to the point of 'weeping'. How do they get through the day if they find all these things to which they are not directly connected so physically distressing? How do they get to the end of a newspaper? There's always something tragic happening somewhere after all. Anyone else save their emotions for problems closer to home or am I just a hard-hearted Hannah? AIBU for not sobbing?

This is where I think I might be weird. Those tragedies involving children don't make me well up - they just make me really angry because, generally, they were entirely preventable.

Silver, I'm not a royalist in any sense of the word but I've always had a kind of respect for Princess Anne.

'Because people were sad that people were dying over the stuff in our mobiles and laptops. Without that empathy to draw upon, no progress would have been made. '

Interesting that you seem to feel that those who don't weep and emote and broadcast distress are somehow lacking in empathy, dreaming.
I get sad and angry and bewildered and frustrated about issues, and I work for change. In a disaster, would you rather have someone sobbing next to you or rebuilding your house and sorting out the dead?

Does one negate the other, Silver? I know that being prone to tears don't make us any more empathetic than anyone else, certainly not, but I don't think the fact that I cry occasionally at news stories renders me incompetent?

Not at all.

I don't think any of us 'weepers' spend our days on a chaise longue with a hanky, like demented Victorian heroines (although even Jane Eyre cried sometimes!)

lucy crying in the supermarket made me laugh. I know where you're coming from, particularly if hormones are involved - I remember when I was pg and I left my hat in the cinema, I bawled on dh for about half an hour ( he was )
On the other hand if its a proper crisis I go into my mother's mode - her motto is "what good did crying ever do" - and I just crack on with it. So half softy and half tough. Never, ever blart about in on fb though!

I really can't stand the public declarations of private emotional reactions to news stories, as though people are trying to prove how sensitive and empathetic they are and making it all about themselves. FB announcements like "I'm shaking and crying as I watch the terrible devastation in the Philippines" just irritate me.

But I admit that I have had emotional responses to tragedies too. On September 11, 2001, I was living in California. I had no personal connection to the events. My brother lived in New York but he was far from the World Trade Center and I was able to contact him as soon as I heard the news. A friend worked in the WTC but he was late to work that day, taking his son to school, so he wasn't there when the planes hit. At the end of that long bewildering day, my husband and I received an email from friends who lived in Russia, saying simply "How are you?" I burst into tears.

@Elk I think it's the public declarations that probably bother me more than the genuine emotional response tbh. It's not enough to say that it's a terrible thing any more, there has to be the obligatory 'I'm shaking and crying' or similar. I doubt they're actually doing either .. put it that way

I think I am quite hard hearted. I rarely cry. The only time I have EVER cried from watching something was at university when we watched a French documentary which showed footage from when the Allies went to Auschwitz and all the human hair and bodies etc.

I certainly wouldn't cry at a John Lewis advert.

I remember my mother crying once and asked why, because it was most unusual for her. It was the Christmas after the Aberfan disaster and they were playing on the TV a record put out by the surviving children. She had not cried at the time it happened but hearing the little voices of the ones who hadn't died just set her off. Now that's the sort of thing one might reasonably have a little weep about, fair enough. I can imagine a FB status (if they had such a thing in those days, and if my mother were the type to use it!) saying something like "have just been listening to the Aberfan Christmas single, so sad"; but not "I am crying because..." because it is about the thing that happened and the people it happened to, not about the person posting it, and she would have seen making it about her feelings as terribly bad taste. Don't know if that makes any sense.

Yes Annie. What you said. As an old glimmer I have really noticed how public displays of grief (as opposed to private grief) have become so noticeable in the last, say, 20 years. One example, whenever there is a car accident or a violent death people, people line up to lay flowers even though many would not have known the people or only slightly. It's as if it is not enough to care you have to show you care. You have to ask - who is all this public emoting for?

I feel tragedies very deeply, and think a lot about how the people involved must be feeling. However, I don't cry, or wail, or go on FB, as I think this is wasted emotion and effort. What I do instead is make a (usually small, unfortunately) donation to a relevant charity, as I figure that sitting hundreds or thousands of miles away emoting isn't going to help anyone, but a pound or two WILL.

Dunno if this is middle class European "throw money at a problem so I don't have to feel guilty at winning in the lottery of life" behaviour, but it's money - it does things, it buys practical help. Doesn't stop me thinking and feeling for the people, but it means I know someone somewhere has a blanket, or some soup, or a vaccination.

Some friends of mine are prone to emoting online, and I ask them to focus not so much on how they feel, but what they can do. Sign a petition, write to an MP, donate some old clothes, a quid...50p....

i rarely cry and never in front of anyone. not even when someone dies. i am fine talking about grief/sadness/failure because it helps me or maybe someone else.

when there is a tragedy like the Philippines, i give several hundred pounds because i want to help. but i only focus on the practicalities. i doubt they want our tears when they need food/medicine/shelter.

With you cogito. Although at times I can get caught by something and have a little weep - but it depends on my mood. Things can be sad and shocking without creating an emotional reaction. I can see and hear abou the Philippines and want to donate and feel deeply sorry and sympathetic, but not sob.

Private moments of grief over huge events is one thing. Everyone is entitled to show as much or as little emotion as they want. But I totally agree about the whole 'omg crying here' shit on fb.

I remember watching the events at the World Trade Centre unfolding on the news and being aghast at what I was seeing. Watching people throw themselves out of the windows was utterly horrifying and I can only imagine what those people went through. But I doubt proclaiming 'I am shaking and crying' at anyone would have helped matters.

Chrome, one of the few things that gets to me are pictures and memories of the Holocaust. It was also one of the few things that would bring my ex's grandfather to shed a tear. He was one of the first allied soldiers into Belsen. He was in the Commandos during the war and then, later in special services, and he had seen so many terrible things but that was the worst.

I'm not sure other people's grief really bothers me as long as it is genuinely felt.

People react differently
Its not unreasonable not to weep, it's also NOT unreasonable to weep!

doubt they want our tears

Exactly - and that can be applied to so many areas of need.

I don't do big flourishy sobby stuff - I get angry and try to do something about it - through Amnesty International etc.

I can't stand people that beat their breasts and posture but don't do anything proactive and real with their empathy.

If something has moved you then you should use it as a spur for change.

I don't agree with this whole 'what's the point of feeling sad, do something instead' thing... Of course feeling sad about these tragedies doesn't help the victims but it's just a natural human reaction!

Opalite, it is fine to feel any emotion. At the end of the day we own our own emotions & no one else can tell us how we should feel. However, I think what many of us wonder is what is the point of some great show of tears for the people of the Philippines? As so many others have said, the don't want our tears, they want help!

Ok it's a human response - but use the sadness as a stepping stone to actually helping people.

No point snivelling at images of the Philippines/homeless teenagers/suffering children/whatever and then doing chuff all about it.

That's my whole point about genuine feelings - but the whole 'omg so sad, crying and shaking' crap statuses on fb and the like is just being a twat. You might as well just say 'here I am, here, look at me and send me hugs because I'm such a delicate flower'.

Everyone's different. Pointless feeling proud of yourself for behaving one way or the other. Some people are mawkishly oversentimental and enjoy a good wail, some are psychopaths with no empathy whatsoever. Most of us fall somewhere in the middle.

I cry when it's kids being hurt. Or animal cruelty stories. Not proud of it; just am deeply affected by them.

Preg. hormones are at play at the mo, but Music moves me to tears all the time. ridiculously so, has done since i was a teen - it stops me singing along, even to not particularly sad songs

So does large gatherings of people all doing/thinking the same thing. Again - not necassarily sad events. London marathon, etc. The 2 min silence for remembrance Sunday has me hiding floods of tears if i'm in the shops when it happens. Embarrassingly not so much for the soldiers, but for the joined feelings of the people for that moment.

Random things make me blub news wise. I remember getting really upset at the news footage of that hot air balloon going down in Egypt recently. With all the people in the basket. I got teary watching the man in the Philippines get tearful turning to the camera and saying ''come to my village, come to my village, we need you'' :(

YY to the poster who says they start crying in a response to others crying. I can usually hold it together until someone else starts sniffing!

A lot of the time when I used to read and watch the news, I'd be extremely upset but even more so because I knew I couldn't do anything about it...