to not weep at international & other tragedies?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I get that what's happened in the Philippines is a terrible thing or that it's shocking when children are starved to death by parents etc. But I don't understand why others get so emotionally involved to the point of 'weeping'. How do they get through the day if they find all these things to which they are not directly connected so physically distressing? How do they get to the end of a newspaper? There's always something tragic happening somewhere after all. Anyone else save their emotions for problems closer to home or am I just a hard-hearted Hannah? AIBU for not sobbing?

I agree with Lottie. I think that the displaced and bereaved of the Philippines don't need my comfortable first world tears over the news, they need my donation to a reputable charity working there, my voice in a democracy where overseas aid budgets are under threat, etc.

I respect the sadness of genuine sympathy that translates into action, but I think the like of FB updates calling attention to your level of upsetness at a distant tragedy can easily be more like self-congratulation, with a bit of rubber-necking thrown in.

I think tragic/gruesome/mass disaster stories affect people differently. I am much more likely to cry at abused/distressed dog stories than human ones, in the main. To some, that would be pathetic and unbelievable.

I lost a friend in the Boxing Day tsunami, and it does make a mass disaster so personal if you know someone involved. A friend of a friend was killed in the twin towers attack, and I feel personally involved in that too.

But I don't want to feel grief for every tragic situation, for people I don't know.

I think it depends on your personality. I rarely cry, although I am more emotional since having dd.

I'm embarrassed by public displays of emotions. My dp of 8 years has never seen me cry even when we nearly lost dd at birth.

I'm not heartless I am practical. My dm wails over anything and thinks I'm a freak but to me, tears won't fix it and when something really bad happens I need to fix it not wail about it.

That said after the two boys story on children in need I turned over sharp ish. It made my blood run cold.

I wasn't arsed in the slightest about Diana but I was only 13.

I find it very hard to be bothered about film stars or celebs because they don't seem real to me anyway.

Disasters make me feel powerless and sad that it can happen but mainly I just thank my lucky stars that my family is safe and I feel empathy for their situation. I try not to think any deeper than that.

Some threads upset me on here sometimes but again its more the ones to do with children or dogs.

I sort of need to be 'hard' as my work focuses on atrocities and war. It used to come more naturally to me but since having DS I find it much more difficult. And I'm much more affected by any news stories involving young children being hurt or killed. It's an actual visceral reaction, I feel little control over it. Last year with the Newtown shootings I was a wreck for days. DS was not much younger than those poor children.

I think YANBU but at the same time I wouldn't be judgy about people who do cry, you never know why people might identify strongly with distant tragedies. I actually think it's good to see people caring so strongly for others across the world and not just the people in their own backyard.

I don't cry, I usually go into 'What can I actually do to change this?' mode.
Sometimes there is nothing I can do, in which case I let it go past me.
Other times I use the emotion to give me the strength to get off my arse and act.

I was actually really proud of our countries fundraising efforts and our government sending ships with aid.

I think that is exactly the sort of thing that Britain should be doing more of.

Perhaps it isn't the crying over events that is annoying and incomprehensible to people, it's more the need some have to emote widely and loudly with people at large, to be seen to weep and wail and share the hysterics over a second-hand experience?

YANBU

This country has a unique ability to be mawkishly emotionally incontinent at times, as if public displays of grief somehow make you better than the person who have elected to keep their thoughts to themselves. The whole Diana thing was pathetic as it was unnerving. While I can sympathise with the victims of tragic events in the news I do not get upset, anyway, my sympathy is not going to make a blind bit of difference to some poor sod who has just lost their home/family etc. I have given money to Syrian and more recently Philippino charity groups, I would like to think that is of slightly more practical use then blubbering on the sofa. What I also can’t stand are the viral campaigns where you get badgered into passing on some youtube link or joining some facebook page of yet another celeb endorsed awareness campaign, as if ‘liking’ said page is going to make a blind bit of difference to the people at the sharp end of atrocities in the Congo/Burma/Zimbabwe etc, half the time to me it seems that people like to be seen publically as ‘doing something’, even if that something amounts to some trite expressions of sorrow that can be rattled out in the comfort of your home or desk at work. I have more respect for the people who roll up their sleeves and get stuck in with helping rather than offering empty platitudes on a facebook update.

I'm a bit of an emotional freak - I cry when I see other people crying, like it sort of connects with me on an empathetic level. It's almost an instinctive reaction which I find really hard to control. You know like when you yawn when others yawn!!

I hate it though, it's pathetic. I even cry for happy things, like One Born Every Minute - even when I really don't like the couple, I have an instant burst of tears whenever the baby pops out.

I also cry whenever I see something truly awe inspiring e.g. I went whale watching once, and blubbed like a baby whilst trying desperately to hide it and look cool.

I would rather be harder, because it's embarrassing to cry over something that has absolutely nothing to do with me. I also find it ridiculous when people flaunt their grief on Facebook like it's a competition.

I just have an over-sensitive sense of empathy. I see it like a cup that is filled up with emotion, and for some people it takes a lot to fill that cup up and overflow - but with me, my cup is full to the brim and runneth over at the drop of a hat!

I even cry at soap weddings. Scott & Charlene's wedding had me in floods

I would struggle to get through the news without my eyes welling up at something. See also: ads for animal charities, most Disney/Pixar films, films generally. Not wailing and weeping, but definite liquid overspill in the eye department. I certainly don't FB post/tweet about it.

If I wanted to make excuses for myself, I lost a parent very young, and stories about loss resonate quite painfully with me.

But I've also gotten teary because Sainsbury's didn't have ingredients I needed for dinner, so I am also just prone to over-sensitivity/weepy hormones. It makes me laugh, because I've often heard 'strong', 'no-nonsense' and 'tough' as words to describe me. My Secret Weepy Shame.

@ Lucy

"But I've also gotten teary because Sainsbury's didn't have ingredients I needed for dinner"

Really?

i often think.im.a bit weird because its not that i dont cry its that i dont particuarly care whats happening. ive donated to the phillipines but i havent watched any news reports so i dont know exactly what the situation is now. me being better informed isnt going to.help anyone, im doing what i can and thats got to be enough.

I've got harder as I've got older. Life has given me some fairly hefty swipes, as it has to some of those close to me. I'm of the view that you can't spend your life weeping about those you've lost yourself, let alone the rest of the world - well you could, but it would be a terrible waste of your time.

Yes, we have to grieve and go through that awful choking pain of letting go - and yes, there will be events that trigger that pain again, but you kind of owe it to the living to not let it just be about the tears.

It pisses me off when people over-emotionalise to make it all about them. So Ms X in the office is weeping because of the Philippines tragedy & everyone is comforting her & making her cups of tea - but how does that help anyone? It doesn't, it just makes it all about her.

saying i dont care makes me sound bad...i mean i dont care about the details and dont feel.the need to watch every news report and see every picture. i.know something bad has happened and have tried to help already in my own way

@Queen

"It pisses me off when people over-emotionalise to make it all about them. So Ms X in the office is weeping because of the Philippines tragedy & everyone is comforting her & making her cups of tea - but how does that help anyone? It doesn't, it just makes it all about her"

Yup!

CuChullain Yep. Not proud, but it had been a long, shitty day, and this was a straw that broke the camel's proverbial back. It was chorizo, if I remember correctly.

I think you have to enjoy your own misery in a perverse way. its very self indulgent isn't it?

Lucy! My goodness! What would happen if real tragedy struck?

I admit I do cry very easily (for example, this morning, because DH sat in my spot on the sofa) but not at the news.

I am very good at compartmentalising, so I can simultaneously think "that is very distressing" and "that doesn't affect me unless I choose to involve myself". I can use the lesson of a distressing thing to do a good thing, eg donate to DEC, sort out blind cords in the bedroom, without taking ownership of the suffering for myself.

There's a certain arrogance in taking on someone else's suffering and then demanding special treatment. Suffering by proxy, sort of thing. That's not the same as feeling empathetic grief because it triggers memories for you of a similar experience, though.

"Lucy! My goodness! What would happen if real tragedy struck?"

Like running out of asparagus?

I disagree that awareness-raising doesn't make a difference. Yes, individual campaigns might not do anything, but as a whole it's public pressure that pushes governments and corporations to act. Otherwise they would just keep doing what's in their own selfish interests and not what's best for people in other countries.

Throwing money at the problem can be a good thing, especially with natural disasters, but often it can be counterproductive -- it can end up in the wrong hands or just prolong the war. Often what's needed are bigger and deeper changes that only governments can push and that's where you need public pressure.

Basically I think you need the dry-eyed people sending money AND the emotional people spreading awareness.

Uri I haven't survived a natural disaster, but I have had my own share of loss. The grief I experience at those losses is not the same as having a frustrated cry occasionally.

In my experience, great international suffering and deep personal loss still doesn't stop me 'having something in my eye' on a bad day at the wrong time of the month. I can only apologise for my disgraceful emotional incontinence.

Come on now, I see where Lucy is coming from. Sometimes you just have one of those days.

I can tell you a whole long list of tragedies in my life, I still cry over stupid things sometimes. Some of us just cry more than others, nothing wrong with that.

x-post with you there Lucy

I'm much the same, yes

We will all react differently.

Strangely, I think of myself as crying quite easily but I try to do it in the loo, or at night if it is "all about me" crying. I've had days like Lucy, where the straw has broken the proverbial camel's back & I've had a blub in the car etc. BUT I've not paraded my tears like some kind of talisman for everyone to pay attention to and have to deal with. (Not saying that Lucy did that either, just in case that could be implied.)

It is the big old "look at me" tears that annoy the hell out of me. With distant tragedies, or even those not immediately connected to you, feel sad, empathise, work out if there is anything you can do, even in the most small way & then move on. It is their tragedy - not yours.

Just read the OP and its an interesting point - In general i agree, however I suffer from depression and if it catches me at a low ebb i can be distraught, other times i don't batt an eye.

What i object to (if object is the right word) is the national outpouring of greif when someone famous dies - this was all started off by Princess Dianna, everyone was fecking crying, the country ground to a halt on the day of her funeral - why???? Oh and the bloody disingenuous status updates on how heart broken people are if a celebrity dies - NO you are not heartbroken, you don't know these people it is not your grief - i find this really offensive.