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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell adult DD she is not welcome

184 replies

yerase · 18/11/2013 18:13

DS has just graduated from uni and is currently a temp for a well known agency placed in the public sector (don't want to say anymore for fear of this being recognised). It is pretty poorly paid and he absolutely hates it. DD graduated from uni three years ago walked straight into a grad scheme has really taken off from there. Everytime she sees him she teases and taunts him about it (I've spoken to her about it before). However yesterday she popped in she took it a stage further and she asked him whether he was looking forward to another week in job paradise and how many cabinets would be filed this week etc.

DS stormed off into his room really upset and he locked himself away for the rest of the evening (until she'd gone). I'm really disgusted at her partly for her obnoxious attitude and I don't feel like I want her visiting if she is going to carry on like this as DS is really unhappy at the moment and can do without this nastiness when he's at home.

OP posts:
caruthers · 19/11/2013 00:38

She sounds nasty vindictive and mean, if she were my Daughter she wouldn't be coming near the house until she'd improved dramatically.

ucancallmeamy · 19/11/2013 01:23

Hi Dione and thank you for the welcome. It has been hard and still is and i think it always will be. It was 10 years ago, just after my 18th and the anniversary is coming up :( my older brother still can't even talk much about him really, sometimes its like it happened to another family, i don't know if this makes sense? Its how i cope and i think always have... I mean i know it wasn't. It happened to my family BUT its like i sometimes don't want to believe it and my memory's (as a now 28 year old) are so fuzzy...

but if the OP is seriously worried about her DS (dd comments aside!) it just makes all my memory's resurface and i hope she can give her DS the support he needs first before addressing other issues. Maybe going to the Drs would make DSister think? I wish them all the best x

DioneTheDiabolist · 19/11/2013 01:28

Amy, it makes sense.Smile

We have a Bereavement board here. Take a wee look over there and maybe post. It may help you to make sense of your brother's death and your feelings about it.

I look forward to seeing you around and wish you health and healing in the times ahead.Smile

ucancallmeamy · 19/11/2013 02:05

Thank you so much Dione, I don't know why but i am crying! Something i find hard to do... and it feels good! I do not want to take over this thread so i will leave it here (So sorry OP) and i will look at the bereavement board and hopefully i can be ready to post my loss and what has happened to me (First time i have ever posted about this on a public website!), It is something i (and my therapist at the time) believe i can't fully accept and move on from. I think i appreciate that now. Sorry again for the hijack here x

SoupDragon · 19/11/2013 07:17

I'm with the OP. Her DD is behaving like a bitch and there really is no excuse for being like that. Especially towards family. The DD is brushing off the complaints from her mother saying "he'll get over it." Does that sound like someone who has problems of their own or someone who is being bitchy?

If my children behaved like that to each other there would be hell to pay.

I can't believe people are defending the DD and putting all the blame on the OP for somehow favouring her DS.

SoupDragon · 19/11/2013 07:20

ucancallmeamy A brave first post :) Sorry to hear about your brother. I agree., head over to the bereavement board - I am pretty sure there are, sdaly, posters with similar experiences as either a parent or sibling.

stinkingbishop · 19/11/2013 07:45

Most things (sorry, pub psychology at work here!) can be traced back to fear.

What is your DD afraid of, that she is trying to displace? In the current climate, probably her own job security. First in, first out and all that. Is she trying to cover up the nature of her own job? I know when I did a well known grad scheme, was flying off all round the place etc actually the day to day reality was a lot of photocopying and bag carrying for bosses.

Is she maybe underperforming at work? Has she discovered she's not that good at it?

Is she jealous of DS being at home still?

I just think a bit of time invested in trying to find out what's eating her might help avoid something so drastic.

PS I was a complete b*tch to my little brother. I'm at Oxford, you just got a B in your GCSEs...blah blah. Truth is, I was struggling.

Chattymummyhere · 19/11/2013 07:49

Got to page 3

I think you should leave it alone with just a comment when it's happening infront of you like "pack it in your pair"

My dh and sil are like this infront of their parents soo many underhand comments but when they are away from mum and dad they get on great she comes on some holidays with us, takes the kids out etc

The thing is infront of the parents is;

Sil;

Dbro has it so easy, you always help him if he needs it but never me
Dbro is golden child

Dh;

Dsis has it so easy living at home with no bills and holidays funding by my parents
Dsis gets brought everything she wants
Dsis gets taken out for meals

None of this is spoken infront of the parents though but it's how they both feel about each other so it's like a battle for attention infront of their parents they are 25 and 20

SoupDragon · 19/11/2013 08:04

Most things (sorry, pub psychology at work here!) can be traced back to fear.

Some things.

Dolcelatte · 19/11/2013 09:02

Amy - thank you for your brave post.

Of course, if there is any indication of depression - as opposed to DS being upset over a sibling spat - then I totally withdraw the suggestion that he should 'man up'. However, I did not pick up that from the OP's post.

Capricorn76 · 19/11/2013 09:10

OP, your son sounds like he's falling into depression. Please get him some help as he's at a vulnerable age for males.

My friends brother took his own life aged 19. He was a very popular and should've had a bright future but left college and couldn't find a decent job (this was near the beginning of the recession). He even moved cities to give himself a better chance but it wasn't happening and he slowly started withdrawing and finally killed himself. Nobody could believe how quickly he went from a charismatic sporty charmer to a quiet introvert. He never told anyone how bad he felt.

It's very hard for young people at the moment and many are falling into despair.

Your DD needs to lay off. Some are calling it 'teasing' and saying he should 'man-up' (hate that phrase) but to him it may end up being the straw that breaks the camel's back. Do not let him be bullied in his own home, he appears to be having a hard enough time outside of it.

Retroformica · 19/11/2013 09:18

Can you nicely ask her before she comes round next time why she is so horrid to her brother when he is so low? Is there something she is unhappy about because she clearly has issues at the moment? Is she jealous of the support/attention etc you are giving your son. Does she need more attention? Do you do nice activities alone with her? You need to talk in depth about her feelings and needs. The discussion needs to be calm, constructive and loving.

CuChullain · 19/11/2013 09:54

OP, I assume your DS is 21 and she is 24/5? If so they seem remarkably immature. Sibblings are always taking the piss out of each other, usually once out of their teens the nature of that piss taking is usually intended as good humoured then malicious. She needs to know that she is taking it too far and he needs to grow a thicker skin rather then run off to his bedroom! Telling her she is not welcome is probably counter productive.

stinkingbishop · 19/11/2013 13:15

soupdragon I stand corrected! I meant most things in terms of negative behaviours, including bullying...

custardo · 19/11/2013 13:18

I'd say " you are being a twat DD, enough."

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/11/2013 18:13

Dolcelatte

anyone who tells someone that they should "man up" needs to be pulled up on it, its an outdated view of how men should just suck it up and get on with, they should hide their feelings and go down pit, you need know if he "mans up" enough he may just slap the sister around a bit, then we can blame him some more.

ShinyBauble · 19/11/2013 22:16

I don't think that telling your dd she is unwelcome at the family home would be productive, it could well move the problem from him and her to you and her. Could you take her out for lunch somewhere quiet, and make it very clear to her how worried you are about him, and make her see that she is hurting both her mother and brother?

I wonder if the sector she is working in could influence her behaviour. I've worked in several places where any weakness is picked on relentlessly, especially in male dominated industries. It may be that she has picked that up and doesn't realise she shouldn't carry it into all areas of her life?

Original poster
yerase · 19/11/2013 23:11

Thank you for your responses. Sorry I've not been back today but I've been busy today. I have arranged to go for lunch with DD tomorrow though.

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 19/11/2013 23:39

Glad to hear it OP and hope it goes well.

Parts of this thread have reminded me of one of my favourite sayings: The harder I work, the luckier I get.

My heart goes out to those posters sharing their heartbreaking stories. Much love.

Original poster
yerase · 20/11/2013 19:00

I spoke to her today at length and I followed your advice about trying to focus on her and her problems/issues. She was most insistent that there were none and that her life although stressful and difficult at times is the way she wants it to be.

Regarding her brother she thinks that he doesn't have enough fight or tenacity in him and that it is holding him back in life. She said that by jibing at him constantly she wants to "restore his fire" as she is adamant that there is no way that he would have let her speak to him like that 2 years ago and that he has lost something. I told her that I didn't think that it was helpful and although she thinks I'm in denial about it and that it will cost him she said she will lay off him. All in all I think it was a success although I am slightly Hmm about the way that she thinks being horrible to another person is helping them move forward.

OP posts:
NewtRipley · 20/11/2013 19:02

That sounds more positive.

Maybe she is one of those people who feels a bit helpless in the face of worries about others she loves and gets a bit angry with them? I know a few people like that!

Whatever, I think you've done the right thing in telling her it's not the way to go about it.

Hope things imporve

TheMaryzter · 20/11/2013 19:06

I would have thought that the fact that he is letting her, and that he has lost his fire is another sign that he may be depressed.

In which case no amount of sniping or "pull yourself together" attitude is going to help, and it could seriously harm him.

Original poster
yerase · 20/11/2013 19:10

TheMaryzter- Thats my thoughts really

OP posts:
MaryZygon · 20/11/2013 19:12

It is difficult, isn't it? ds1 used to knock the stuffing out of dd all the time Sad. And you know when you go to these "parenting" courses and they talk to you about helping children with their confidence? I remember sitting through one and thinking "I never knock her, I always tell her she is great" and it was only later talking to my mum that I realised why she felt so inadequate. He only had to walk into a room and she would feel shit.

Luckily mine seem to have grown out of petty sniping.

nauticant · 20/11/2013 19:38

Like LondonMother I'm also surprised by the amount of projection going on in this thread.

It's a veritable multiplex of a thread.