to tell adult DD she is not welcome

[yerase]

DS has just graduated from uni and is currently a temp for a well known agency placed in the public sector (don't want to say anymore for fear of this being recognised). It is pretty poorly paid and he absolutely hates it. DD graduated from uni three years ago walked straight into a grad scheme has really taken off from there. Everytime she sees him she teases and taunts him about it (I've spoken to her about it before). However yesterday she popped in she took it a stage further and she asked him whether he was looking forward to another week in job paradise and how many cabinets would be filed this week etc.

DS stormed off into his room really upset and he locked himself away for the rest of the evening (until she'd gone). I'm really disgusted at her partly for her obnoxious attitude and I don't feel like I want her visiting if she is going to carry on like this as DS is really unhappy at the moment and can do without this nastiness when he's at home.

Is he applying for other jobs? Seeking fulfilment/validation through hobbies?

Maybe she is trying to goad him out of his comfort zone, further from his codependent relationship with you?

He is young, educated, employed and free to do what he likes. He should be enjoying it, not wallowing

HoleyGhost- He is applying for jobs and he has done his best to keep up with his main hobby which is playing football but he has started suffering spasms in his back after he plays so thats another problem.

Perhaps your daughter is not as happy and settled as you have painted her to be

You also sound like you treat your son like the Golden Child, everything being much harder for him etc

I recognise this because I was scapegoated as the elder sibling too

To be fair, I didn't take it out on the younger one, we both teamed up against it. You do Golden Children no favours at all.

What problems does your dd have?

CailinDana- None that I am aware of.

Have you asked her recently?

She sounds like a bitch and maybe therefore unhappy.

Why would you be so nasty to your sibling (barring abuse from them). She should be upbeat and encouraging him on his new path through life.

And why does she get to be so toxic on a home visit to her family? If it were my house I wouldn't allow it frankly.

Oh, and your son should realise that having a degree still means you usually start at the bottom of the ladder. Learning how to keep a proper filing system is crucial to running a business

You wouldn't throw a toddler into a pool and expect him to swim...

None that I am aware of.

That speaks volumes about your relationship with her.

Don't come wading back to defend yourself and tell us how she is getting everything handed to her on a plate. Reflect on the fact that she doesn't share her challenges with you. Ask yourself why that is.

yerase

You are giving quite short answers to some interesting questions. What do you think?

YABU - discuss it with your daughter, but be prepared to hear what she says rather than just telling her how awful it is for your ds.

I'm the eldest sibling. I am forever hearing how hard things are for my younger siblings - parents rarely acknowledge that I've worked my arse off to get where i am. Quite frankly, I get fed up of zero acknowledgement of the fact that me and DH manage(d) without the free childcare and house deposit that my other siblings get (from my parents).

You say that nothing is going on witg your daughter - maybe she doesn't tell you anything because her achievments are undermined because everything is "much harder" for your DS and it's clear that she knows you think she had it easy.

Sounds similar to my experiences, iliketea

Shit, isn't it ?

She thinks you are both over racting as she's no idea how miserable it is to work in a job you hate.

A job you hate is miserable if you are trapped by having dependents and/or a mortgage. A graduate temp living with parents can always try something else.

As far as my mother was concerned yerase I was lucky to be one of the oldest in my year so I had a chance to be clever enough to get into uni and when I left uni I was lucky to get married to a man who earned good money, I was lucky that I only had to work when I wanted to and I had a easy lazy life while my older sister and younger brother had always struggled with education because they were summer born. They had trouble with relationships because they kept meeting not nice people because of the jobs they were forced to do and they needed my parents to fight their battles for them and to make sure I did as I was told with regard to visiting my parents and being nice to everyone while they did as they pleased.

My life was so much different than they all thought it was because they couldn't see beyond what they wanted to see.

All the time they were treating me like I was lucky and should therefore be nice to my siblings who were having it much harder than me I was actually being abused and raped by my husband and stopped from working or seeing my friends. My family were actively encouraging him by refusing to listen to me as I was so lucky to have such an amazing man looking after me and I had no right at all to be upset by how much they did for my siblings or about the regular pity parties around them that I was forced to take part in.

I am free of my husband now and I have an almost functioning relationship with my mother but the only thing that has made that even close to possible was that she never went as far as telling me I wasn't welcome in the family home, had she done that as well as treating me so differently from my siblings there would have been no way back.

I don't know the reasons behind your DD and DS having the relationship they have but then neither do you and for that reason they should have a relationship outside of you even if, right now, your DS is living in the family home and your DD isn't.

NewtRipley- I don't really know what you're referring to, she is always welcome to talk to me about anything that might be happening in her life be it positive and negative. She regularly tells me the things she is doing and I am proud of her and what she has achieved (she has far outstripped anything I have done). However I do not see any reason why she should openly deride her brother who she knows is not happy with his life thus excerbating the situation.

OP - you seem rather dismissive of your DD's work and struggles, you say she "walked" into a graduate job 3 years ago. No, she didn't, no one just 'walked' into a graduate job in 2010/11, she faced stiff competition and will have had to work bloody hard (unless she's very gifted) in order to keep it.

Was your DS equally dismissive at the time? Did he take the piss at all of her working hard, her job, her pushing herself at that time? That doesn't mean she can't be kind now, but if he was in any way taking the piss at her back then, it could be she's gloating a bit due to an attitude of "see, this is what I was trying to avoid". Or does she think he didn't make the most of chances he had? Did she make sure she had a good CV with extra curricular activities and work experience whereas he was lazier? did she try to give him advise he poo-poohed at uni stage? Or did he mouth off about his future career (which has obviously not panned out).

"another week in job paradise" and comments about filling filing cabinets doesn't sound that much of massive insult, seems rather tame to me (normal sibling banter for our family and for DH's), his reaction however, is rather extreme.

I would talk to her like an adult and say that joking aside, you are genuinely worried about your DS's mental health, he's not coping well and could she suggest ways to help him? That you wondered that as her experience is so much more recent, could she talk to him seriously about what he does next career wise.

If she has previously been close to him, and this is out of character, there must be something going on. You seem to see it as her just being a bitch for no good reason, find out the reasons before you destroy your relationship with your DD.

If you ban her from your house, don't expect her to want to come back when you decide to lift your ban.

I meant that people are offering theories and you haven't commented on any of them - up til now. That's all

Can you hear yourseleves? if it was the DB insulting the DD you would all by saying he is an abusive twat and you should cut him out of your life etc. but because its a DD she must be having problems etc etc or the DB should just man up you guys should be ashamed of yourselfs and some of you are even victim blaming shame on you.

Would you tolerate someone coming to your home and insulting you to the point of you wanting to leave the room (and yes it IS his home)......

I thought not.

deep breath

while banning her is overreacting deffintily have a serous conversation about it and explain that it is not only upseting her brother but youself as well and ask her does she really want to upset her mother etc

OP - I think what Newt is getting at is you seem to only be hearing good things from her and that her life is easy, yet all of us who've seen what graduates who've got through grad schemes go through know it's tough. If she's just telling you things you can be proud of, you are getting the 'round robin' level of information about her life.

Your DD will have some problems of her own, they might be big, they might be small, but no one just has achievements. She might be welcome to discuss problems with you, but does she?

Hmmmm brothers and sisters do this though. That's just what they do. My brother has a great job (something he's always wanted to do) and he earns a great salary. I do too, I'm doing the job I wanted to do and I earn virtually the same as him. But he belittles the job I do as I do to his. It's banter. However there is a line between joking/banter and bullying. Persistently goading him about his job when he has asked her not too is bullying. But you are the parent, you need to butt out. Your son needs to tell her to piss off, and tell her that she isn't all that and neither is her job, in fact her persistence in belittling his job is rather telling about hers and her confidence. He needs to address this, not you. You have made your opinion clear but to tell her she's not welcome in your home is very extreme.

However I do not see any reason why she should openly deride her brother

All behaviour is communication. Maybe you should try to answer your own question and work out what it is she is trying to communicate.

If she's 'walked into' a lovely graduate job and is doing really well for herself, her social communication skills must be pretty good. She clearly isn't displaying this side of herself in the workplace. Ask yourself very, very carefully why she feels driven to behave as she does around you.

worrid

Actually if my son and daughter stopped getting along I wouldn't call either of them abusive without a bit better reason than this.

Worriedmum - no, I don't think I would, because again, if the DS had always been supportive and close to the DD, I'd question what had changed/if there was a backstory I didn't know about. If she'd always been a bitch to him, that might be a different matter, but the OP said this is a new thing, or perhaps his reaction to it is a new thing. (And what the OP said the DD said seems within the range of normal sibling insults for our/DH's family, but sulking in your bedroom doesn't seem in the normal range of reactions from a grown man)