to tell adult DD she is not welcome

[yerase]

DS has just graduated from uni and is currently a temp for a well known agency placed in the public sector (don't want to say anymore for fear of this being recognised). It is pretty poorly paid and he absolutely hates it. DD graduated from uni three years ago walked straight into a grad scheme has really taken off from there. Everytime she sees him she teases and taunts him about it (I've spoken to her about it before). However yesterday she popped in she took it a stage further and she asked him whether he was looking forward to another week in job paradise and how many cabinets would be filed this week etc.

DS stormed off into his room really upset and he locked himself away for the rest of the evening (until she'd gone). I'm really disgusted at her partly for her obnoxious attitude and I don't feel like I want her visiting if she is going to carry on like this as DS is really unhappy at the moment and can do without this nastiness when he's at home.

not take it out on her brother.

Maybe it's her brother she has a problem with.

I think the luck element does come into things a bit though, because if she realises she's been fortunate as well as hard working she might well be less entitled and less judgemental towards her brother - and just kinder and more compassionate.

Then she should be honest with him Gold instead of making snide comments.

Yes, but Odd- nobody has said it ok for her to be horrible to her brother. Clearly, it is not and she should be pulled up for it (preferably by her DB) every time she does it. Obviously, if it gets worse/doesn't stop, the OP may need to think again, but at this point I think banning her DD from her home out-right is unlikely to help the situation. It may have long-term consequences that the OP doesn't intend- although it may feel better to give her "short-shrift" now.

In addition, the OP says they used to be close- wouldn't it be a good idea if she could find out if there was a reason for her change of behaviour? Perhaps there isn't a reason and she is a horrible person generally, or perhaps there is something more to it.

I still think she seems quite dismissive of her daughter. This makes me wonder if this is purely because she's really worried about her DS and annoyed at her DDs behaviour, or the way things are normally?

Maryz He doesn't have to kick off, but he does need to stand up for himself. And am that the OP would consider telling her DD that she is not welcome. I know sibling dynamics are complicate but he is old enough to learn to deal with this type of thing.

And surely their mother getting involved is not going to help them sort themselves out - they are in their 20s they will either get along or they won't - but if he continues to react like this, OP's DD will just do it more to wind him up.

But it is the Mother's house - she gets to say what behaviour she finds acceptable within it.

It is not the DD's home anymore.

And I would be extremely reluctant to ever tell either of my DC that they weren't welcome at home - it would have to be something a lot more serious than dd being mean to her little brother

• but equally I'd ceratinly be talking with her about it, and not be happy with that behaviour at all

There's a lot of projection going on on this thread. People are reading into a very short OP (by AIBU standards) a lot that seems to come from their own experience.

Not from me, I get on brilliantly with all my siblings, plenty of ribbing obviously.

My younger brother still lives with my Mum. He doesn't make much money and is pretty dependant on her TBH.

I still wouldn't go into their home and belittle him - it isn't acceptable behaviour.

belittling someone, or anyone is a rather horrid and nasty trait, even worse if this is a brother that once a close relationship was had. I would want to know why one person I loved was treating another I loved equally in such a manner - then walking away and leaving the situation for me to deal with.

I would be very reluctant to tell any of my family they were not welcome in my home, I would though ask my family to possibly think about how their actions effect other members of the family and not just the family member they are attacking.

My brother was brilliant at this.

It is why I know longer have a relationship with him.
It is abusive and toxic.
The fact that he finds it upsetting should be enough for those on here to give him their support.

I had a situation like this with my eldest sister (8 years older than me, left home when I was 10) who works as a very high flying lawyer and constantly belittled and made demeaning comments about my job in a charity. We didn't speak as a result of her constant bullying for about 10 years. Despite a lack of apology for her frankly shit behaviour (understandable in hindsight given the nasty treatment our Mum meted out to her for years, although not that excuseable in an adult) over the last few years we've mended fences. We're never going to be that close though. However I don't think any intervention from parents would have helped - even intercession from our very helpful and much loved middle sister only stopped us from all out warfare - it took the two of us together to work it out.

So OP I can appreciate the fact that you don't like it and can also see the negative impact it's having on your DS. However I think once kids are past 18 they need to sort out their own relationships without interference/involvement from you, which may make the situation (unwittingly) worse. Not nice to watch and totally okay to say not in your house IMO. Not sure if this helps!

When you spoke to her before, did you do it properly, treating her like an adult? E.g. "I know you were only joking when you teased Nick about his work earlier but I'm actually quite worried, he seems really depressed. I'd appreciate it if you could lay off the teasing for a bit and just be a good friend to him as he's finding things quite tough at the moment."

Or was it a more off the cuff thing? I think you need to get her "on side" - I'm sure she doesn't realise that he's upset (rather than being a brat - running off to his room), and would be horrified at the thought of him coming to any harm.

Why exactly are you worried about him? If he's down the best thing to do is get him to the GP. They can be an amazing help and it's as much to do with opening up about your feelings as it is looking for actual treatments.

I do think you sound biased against your daughter though. If they got on well through their teenage years you're probably blowing this spat out of proportion. My mum has been a complete cow to me over the years about my brother, implying that I don't care about him etc etc, when in fact we have a really lovely, healthy adult friendship and I've supported him in all kinds of practical and emotional ways she probably doesn't even know about. All being well your children's relationship with each other will go on for the next 60 years or so, and your role isn't to be the police but to give each of them an insight into the other, and be kind.

I'm afraid that I think that the fact that the OP seems to be avoiding questions about her DD is suggestive. She says her DD is welcome to talk to her at any time - that sounds to me like she'll listen, but not ask or initiate.

I do think the DD is being pretty horrible to her brother, but I also think there is probably a good reason for this - she doesn't live at home, she 'teases' her brother, who does, who has his mother on hand to take his side rather than standing up for himself (I'd have told my sister to fuck off if she'd said such a thing to me), it doesn't sound like the OP is really all that interested in her.

I could be misinterpreting it all. But it just sounds like the OP is dismissive of her more, on the face of it, successful child (you absolutely do not walk into a grad scheme, she will have beaten off possible hundreds of other applicants), whilst wrapping the other up in a blanket. Not helpful to either.

*possibly

But is she is revelling in him having a shit time, and enjoying rubbing his nose it it she isn't a very nice person.

Nobody is saying that the comments she's making are acceptable!

Some people are just pointing out that there's clearly some history and another level of communication going on here and that, if the OP really wants to find a good solution, she needs to look to her relationships with each of her children and the history between them rather than just labelling her DD as nasty and threatening to ban her from the house.

I'm definately going to have a talk with her

That's good, Yerase. I hope you can find a way through this that doesn't involve banning your daughter from the house. That couldn't be a long term solution, could it ?

it is quite extreme that you were considering telling her she isn't welcome. Do you think it is possible she is jealous as she perceives you may favour your son?

OK this is a hard start for me. I have just joined this site, (finally after much lurking!) But i really could not ignore this. OP please can you get your DS to a dr. My dear brother at 23 took his own life because of depression. At of 5 siblings he felt he could not turn to any of us for help. (we NEVER EVER belittled him EVER! Quite the opposite!) and i as a younger sister adored him (he is the second youngest).

For now forget what your dd is doing, and get him help please. He sounds very depressed and with society frowning on men being depressed and needing help, it can have major problems with men admitting they are, as we learned with our brother. you need to speak with him but my god DO NOT use the words 'man up' noway!

When i had my first child i grew very depressed and i always kept thinking of my big bro :( If someone had spoken to me - especially someone so close in the family - the way your DD had I don't know if i would be here today! But i have a very supportive family. We have - in a cruel way - learned to support each other even if it is almost forcibly refused by the one in distress!

Please, please get help for your child, depression in some young men is real and should never be brushed aside ever. All the best to you and your family xxx

Amy welcome to MN and thank you for sharing your heartbreaking tale. It can't have been easy.

Yerase, I think you are doing the right thing by talking to your DD. As I have said, a quiet word from my DM was all it took to bring my siblings and I to sense when we had overstepped the mark.

If your DS's mood is worrying you, please talk to him too. I wish you and your family all the best for the future.