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AIBU?

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Original poster

to tell adult DD she is not welcome

184 replies

yerase · 18/11/2013 18:13

DS has just graduated from uni and is currently a temp for a well known agency placed in the public sector (don't want to say anymore for fear of this being recognised). It is pretty poorly paid and he absolutely hates it. DD graduated from uni three years ago walked straight into a grad scheme has really taken off from there. Everytime she sees him she teases and taunts him about it (I've spoken to her about it before). However yesterday she popped in she took it a stage further and she asked him whether he was looking forward to another week in job paradise and how many cabinets would be filed this week etc.

DS stormed off into his room really upset and he locked himself away for the rest of the evening (until she'd gone). I'm really disgusted at her partly for her obnoxious attitude and I don't feel like I want her visiting if she is going to carry on like this as DS is really unhappy at the moment and can do without this nastiness when he's at home.

OP posts:
wannabedomesticgoddess · 18/11/2013 21:16

Worrid

The "insults" said by the DD were hardly abusive.

I think this is a case of the DS's and OP's expectations being too high.

If you consider your DDs (and in DS's case his sister's) achievements to be simple things to do, instead of praising her for her hard work, and recognising how hard it was for her to get where she is, then you probably would get depressed at "only" getiing a low paid admin job.

Even graduates must start at the bottom. I know a microbiologist grad who is working in a bakery, and a politics grad who is in a call centre.

worridmum · 18/11/2013 21:17

would you guys put up with it happening to yourseleves in your home from your siblings and or partners?

by the sounds of it he is sinking into depression and he possibly needs help and yes I have been there and small things that wouldnt usually upset me did when I was sinking into depression It took the support of all my family to help me pick myself up and move on with my life

I dont know were i would be today if my 'Dear' sister was belitting me aswell....

but because hes male he cant have problems I have fogotten grown man should just keep it all in and deal with it....

JugglingFromHereToThere · 18/11/2013 21:23

I'd be saying "hey dd, you got a good break, your little bro hasn't been so lucky just yet, can't you be encouraging? And what else have you both been up to?" (because work isn't everything - especially in your twenties)

HectorVector · 18/11/2013 21:25

But so many siblings do this too each other and these are adult siblings. Your son needs to address it not you. If you are concerned he is sinking into depression it's not just going to be his sister's doing. His sister isn't causing him to sink into depression, his life and circumstances are and that's where you can try and help, instead of blaming and falling out with your daughter over his issues.

DontmindifIdo · 18/11/2013 21:25

Wannabe makes a good point, if you haven't really recognised how hard your DD had to work and still work to get to this position and saw that she just "walked into a graduate job" then perhaps your DS has also just assumed that's what happens after you graduate and his expectations are so high compared to the reality.

An admin job in a public sector role, so a job that's good work experience and good for his CV is vastly better opportunity than most graduates will have, most will not get relevant work experience.

It might be worth having a proper talk with him about the future, that this is good for his CV and working on what else he could do with on that, any voluntary work he could add in spare time, any further study, what would he like to do with his life and how can he get to it.

Alisvolatpropiis · 18/11/2013 21:25

I have been in the same boat as the op's son. Graduating in 2010 ( same year as her dd) was by no means a barrel of laughs.

So I know that it's miserable working in a job you hate not achieving what you might have hoped.

That is however just life.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 18/11/2013 21:26

Some people will wedge reverse sexism in wherever they can. Pitiful.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 18/11/2013 21:27

I'd be saying "hey dd, you got a good break, your little bro hasn't been so lucky just yet, can't you be encouraging?

Did she get lucky? Lucky?

Or did she work hard?

Is it healthy to pander to the son by saying he just needs to wait on his luck coming in? Or should he be told that if he hates his job, keep applying for others and in the meantime get stuck in and get on with it.

People don't get anywhere with luck these days.

worridmum · 18/11/2013 21:29

its only reverse sexism when its not true....... and I never said she had caused it I was suggesting its not helpful for someone who is sinking into depression...

You Do know young males have the highest rate of suicide due to depression as they get ridiculed into not showing their emtions / not standing up for themseleves etc where as if its a women they dont getting ridiculed for showing emtions and the person ridculing is a twat etc its double standards

Alisvolatpropiis · 18/11/2013 21:32

It's only reverse sexism when it's not true? Eh?

Morloth · 18/11/2013 21:32

I am going to disagree with the majority.

It is his home, no-one walks into my home and treats me rudely/badly and is allowed to stay.

I would pull her up every single time with a 'Cut it out, or get out'.

Maybe not a blanket 'you are not welcome' but each incident treated separately and with the option to either check herself, or leave.

I also agree that if this was an older brother being cruel to a younger sister the tone of this thread would be very different.

You can't just go into someone's house and be rude to them, regardless of your relationship with them.

Viviennemary · 18/11/2013 21:33

I must say I was ready to disapprove of this. But this is difficult. I'd tell her that as long as she was in your home she had to behave like a responsible adult. I don't think I'd put up with this constant nastiness. Because you have called her on her behaviour and it hasn't improved.

Maryz · 18/11/2013 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ruffcat · 18/11/2013 21:38

Please stuck up for him. It's awful being told you are not as good as your sibling,

Fwiw my brother had pretty much demolished my self esteem with his 'jokes' and in only commenting' bully behaviour that make him feel better about myself.

A few example my degree is a Mickey Mouse one
I don't work as hard/long/in as stressful environment
I should save more money
Should earn more
What am I going to do blah blah blah

It would be nice if someone else told him to stop once in a while.

Tell your dd your proud if her but that you are genuinely worried about ds and she really needs to stop her comments

Worried3 · 18/11/2013 21:39

I'm another who thinks you have a serious talk with your daughter and say you find her behaviour unacceptable. You don't tell her she's not welcome- or at least, not unless you want to run the risk of fanning the flames and potentially damage your relationship with your daughter.

I'd also be trying to find out what has caused the change in her attitude to her DB? People rarely suddenly switch behaviour without some cause (even if it's not entirely logical or justified).

I agree with those who've said you do seem very dismissive of your DD, and very over-protective of DS. Perhaps it is just concern for your son given his present circumstances, but again I would be careful this doesn't have longer-term consequences for the sibling relationship or your relationship with DD.

I'd also have a chat with DS and tell him to stand up for himself too- his behaviour seems a bit OTT for a 21 year old.

Then you step back and let them sort it out for themselves. Obviously, if her behaviour gets a lot worse, then you might have to re-visit your strategy.

PresidentServalan · 18/11/2013 21:40

Can your DS not stand up for himself though? He will probably work in a environment where people wind each other up and he won't do himself any favours if he reacts like this all the time.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 18/11/2013 21:40

Yes, I think she did get a bit lucky and she could be kinder to her little brother who hasn't yet had such a good opportunity.
There's a good deal of luck in life - it's not all down to hard work.
I've been extremely lucky myself (especially with my DC and my own health and lifestyle as UK resident) but also do not currently have paid employment - but got called for an interview this evening - maybe my luck is on the ascendent Smile

DontmindifIdo · 18/11/2013 21:41

Maryz - it's the idea that the DD just walked into a great job and has just easily gone from strength to strength without any problems. It might be intentional favouritism or it could be accidentally not realising what her DD has achieved (and therefore not managing the DS's expectations). There does seem to be a surprise that hte DS isn't having the same experience, that what he's doing is somehow a big problem rather than just what most graduates go through for a while. A few months/years of shit jobs until careers get started is really normal now.

Maryz · 18/11/2013 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DioneTheDiabolist · 18/11/2013 21:43

Sometimes you don't have the strength to fight back, so you withdraw.Sad

Goldmandra · 18/11/2013 21:43

*why on earth does everyone assume she is favouring her son, or dismissing her dd's efforts [baffled]

He lives there, he should be able to eat a meal in his own home without being belittled and being called names.*

The OP is right to expect a certain standard of behaviour in her home and tell her DD that the comments are unacceptable. I don't think anyone has suggested it's OK for the taunting to carry on.

What people are suggesting is that the OP looks at the history of the relationships involved her and works out why her DD feels so driven to treat her brother like this.

Working out the reason behind the behaviour will be a much greater help in the long term because that allows you to address the cause, not the symptom.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 18/11/2013 21:44

Nobody is saying it is ok for the dd to behave like this. Just that there might be more background to it than she had hitherto considered (what with being a bit wrapped up in her son's difficulties atm)

I hope this thread does give the OP pause for thought and if she can hand on heart be sure she has treated both her dc exactly the same then that is great

I wish someone had had a word with my parents though.

OddFodd · 18/11/2013 21:44

Whether she's been lucky or not isn't the issue. She's being really unkind and spiteful to someone who's going through a hard time.

And I would be bloody ashamed if my child behaved like that so I don't blame the OP for wanting to give her short shrift

Maryz · 18/11/2013 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morloth · 18/11/2013 21:46

I have 5 siblings.

There are times when we go too far. When that happens I keep my mouth shut and remove myself from the situation.

Out of respect for my mother and her home.

I would never get into a slanging match with them there, in her presence.

Now that I don't live at home anymore I would leave, but previously I would have gone to my room.

It is completely appropriate that he removes himself from the conversation.

Being successful does not give you open slate to be a bitch.