to tell adult DD she is not welcome

[yerase]

DS has just graduated from uni and is currently a temp for a well known agency placed in the public sector (don't want to say anymore for fear of this being recognised). It is pretty poorly paid and he absolutely hates it. DD graduated from uni three years ago walked straight into a grad scheme has really taken off from there. Everytime she sees him she teases and taunts him about it (I've spoken to her about it before). However yesterday she popped in she took it a stage further and she asked him whether he was looking forward to another week in job paradise and how many cabinets would be filed this week etc.

DS stormed off into his room really upset and he locked himself away for the rest of the evening (until she'd gone). I'm really disgusted at her partly for her obnoxious attitude and I don't feel like I want her visiting if she is going to carry on like this as DS is really unhappy at the moment and can do without this nastiness when he's at home.

DD graduated from uni three years ago walked straight into a grad scheme has really taken off from there.

Just because she "walked into" a grad scheme does not mean she has an easy life. Even your use of the term "walked into" makes me think you feel that your DS somehow deserves it more than DD.

You can be concerned about your DS, but if they used to be close and now your DD is being nasty to him, why aren't you concerned about why she is behaving like this?

I agree wannabe.

wannabedomesticgoddess- I don't feel he deserves anything more than she does

These days grad schemes are hard to get into and tend to have a high rate of attrition. Getting on them and getting through them is no mean feat.

Just tell her to keep a civil.tongue in her head when she is in your home.

As far as I can see they both work hard but your dd has just been lucky. She needs reminding that this situation might not be forever and she might need a bit of support in the future (not that you'd wish having a crap job on her of course).

She's well old enough to know not to be a spiteful cow.

Me too. I am the one who "walked into" everything but bloody hell did I work my fingers to the bone while DB was goofing around in high school. I suspect there is a lot of back story OP that you might not even be aware of. Why can DS not stand up for himself to his sister and has to run off and hide in his room? There's definitely more going on.

Any job is better than no job in the current market. For every fresh graduate who is lucky enough to land their dream job (or at least a good grad scheme) there must be hundreds who have to work sh*tty jobs in order to make ends meet. She should be proud of her brother for graduating and getting A job and putting in the effort to gain experience, not going out of her way to dent his confidence.

I can't help but feel if the sexes or roles were reversed the responses to this topic would be a lot different. There would be far more use of the words 'abusive' and 'bully' and a lot less people trying to understand or justify this unacceptable behaviour.

She sounds like a nasty piece of work and clearly realises her remarks are very upsetting but continues regardless and despite the fact you have already 'had words' with her about it.

I would absolutely tell her to knock it off or don't bother visiting until she can change her ways.

I can be like this with my brother (who is currently studying), I graduated three years ago.

As MrsD said it is insecurity, my brother is the favoured child. It doesn't matter what my achievements are, which are academically greater at this point, his will always be "better" than mine. I've also been told for years he is "nicer" than me. It isn't true and I know it's not his fault but it fuels insecurity.

I would think twice before telling your daughter she isn't welcome. I would also consider telling your son to stand up for himself rather than intervening yourself.

I feel for you OP - it's very difficult and I think MrsDeVere makes a good point.

Because DC can be so different we tend to "handle" them differently don't we?

And that can lead to those accusations or feelings of supposed "favouritism".

You are clearly worried about your son - do you think he is depressed?

If my mother told me I wasn't welcome in her home for teasing my little brother, it would be the last she'd see of me.
Ask yourself if you are ready for that before you say anything to her.

Watching this thread with interest as I have a very similar situation slowly developing.

What she has said to her brother is completely unacceptable.

However, what is the history between them leading her to delight in his distress?

My younger sister was the golden child in our family. She took full advantage of this throughout our childhood and into adulthood. She was always very subtle, being vicious in private and sweetness and light in front of our parents. I was less calculating in my responses to her and came off worse every time. I learned to let her get away with it because standing up for myself made me the bad guy every time.

Maybe your son has been doling out similar treatment and is getting his just desserts.

In your position I'd explain that the goading won't be tolerated in your house so she needs to either stop or stay away. Make it clear that you would much prefer for her to stop and continue visiting. Don't get into any debates about whether it is justified because you might well be wrong.

YANBU. I wouldn't tolerate such nastiness in my house either. I would tell her that she behaves like an adult and is civil to her brother or she's not welcome. Her choice.

It seems quite strange for a grown man to run off to his room because his sister teased him. Whilst your daughter was being unkind, do you think your DS could be manipulating you so that you side with him over your daughter. The mature thing for him to have done would have been for him to tell his sister her comments were hurtful and ask her not to do it again.

But you are effectively choosing one of your children over the other.

You do realise that if you tell her she is no longer welcome she will see it as him being favoured? Which is probably what started this whole thing anyway.

He is a graduate, which makes him atleast 21, but he runs off to his room and you step in. That is suggesting to me that you have perhaps done this on more occasions throughout their lives. He's an adult just as she is, why are you fighting his battle?

So he graduated and has a shitty job he hates. Sorry but that's life. He and you need to get over it.

If she's still at home, could she feel jealous? She's doing really well and he's not, but he's getting all the attention?

I know that sounds daft but she's still young, even if adult. Could it be a bit of a 'look at me'?

If his job is getting him down as much as you say OP he could be sinking into depression (which would explain his running rather than bantering back).

Either way, your DD is upsetting DS and yourself. Don't come out with a ban on visiting but tell her in no uncertain terms that she is not to make fun of his job again.

on the face of it, your DD is being vile. But, is there any back story you are unaware of - do they see each other outside the home, did they keep in touch whilst both at uni - she may know things about him that you don't. Maybe she feels he hasn't made much effort and shouldn't be moaning? (I think siblings can be pretty - robust, shall we say - about this kind of thing, more so than perhaps you would be?) Maybe she feels she worked bloody hard and didn't get much recognition but poor little brother is getting all the tea and sympathy? Or, she could just be horrid.

Talk to them both, separately, then see if you can sit them down together. But really, I think you need to not involve yourself - it's only because he's still living at home that you are involved.

Sorry to say this OP, but DS is clearly a 'Mummy's boy' and you need to cut the apron strings. You are not doing him any favours if you fight his battles for him. He needs to 'man up' and fight his own battles.

These are adults you are talking about, not small children, and they need to work out their relationship for themselves. It is obvious even from reading your post that you prefer DS to DD, and no doubt she realised this a long time ago which is why she moved out. You give her no praise for what she has achieved. Why not? Your love and sympathies are all with DS.

I am shocked that you are even contemplating banning her from the house; if you do, you will just confirm, yet again, that she will always be second best as far as you are concerned. Is that what you want?

Adults still need support. When I left my abusive Ex and moved back to my hometown, my siblings would make cracks about me living in a council house and being on benefits. Then they stopped.

They stopped because my DM spoke to them and made them see just how hurtful they were being. I was in my 30s. I am glad she did and we all agree that her saying something was the best thing to do. It wasn't favouritism (she has previously had to speak to me about the impact of my banter on a sibling), it was love.

I just can't get over the fact that she knows he hates his job and is not particularly happy with where his life is and instead of being constructive she continues to attack him about it making everything worse.

How has your ds handled teasing elsewhere - work, uni, hobbies? Could his inability to cope with it be making things harder for him at work?

Because something he says/does really annoys her OP. Perhaps his attitude annoys her and she sees it as him wallowing?

They have a relationship away from the one you see which makes it difficult to say whether it's teasing going too far or outright bullying.