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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it's a woman's choice what pain relief she uses, not her DPs?

97 replies

GimmeDaBoobehz · 17/11/2013 20:42

I know someone who is going to have a baby soon and is considering an epidural/other forms of pain relief in the labour process, as she wants it to be as bearable as possible. However, her partner says he flat out doesn't want her to use pain relief especially the epidural.

AIBU to think it's the woman's body and she and she alone (unless doctors advise against it) what form of pain relief she uses during labour?

It's not like the partner is giving birth to the baby after all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SantanaLopez · 17/11/2013 20:43

YANBU, what a bastard.

TalkieToaster · 17/11/2013 20:44

He can 'want' all he likes and the only way he'll get his way is if she's fool enough to listen.

Has he explained exactly why he's flat out against it? Could it be out of misguided concern for his partner?

CocacolaMum · 17/11/2013 20:44

Why on earth would he want her to not use pain relief?

MyMILisfromHELL · 17/11/2013 20:45

I agree it is her choice.

She may manage just fine without pain relief too.

Whocansay · 17/11/2013 20:45

I wouldn't let that bastard anywhere near the delivery room.
YANBU

MrsMoon76 · 17/11/2013 20:47

Seriously??? He could just fuck off. I remember when my cousin was having a baby and her DH telling me how "they" didn't want pain relief. She rolled her eyes and told him he was welcome to give birth for her. She had a 56 hour labour and he was the one begging the docs for pain relief for her in the end.

MyMILisfromHELL · 17/11/2013 20:47

Coca loads of women cope without pain relief. It's not a given that you have to use pain relief. You make it sound that way.

iHateMrTumble · 17/11/2013 20:47

He sounds like a cock.
I wouldn't want he's babies.

ilovecolinfirth · 17/11/2013 20:48

YANBU but i don't think the partner is a bastard. It sounds to me like the partner wants to make some contribution about how his child enters the world. Pain relief can have an adverse effect on a child. BUT at the end of the day, its a woman's choice.

I didn't have pain relief with my first child. My God...I had it with my second!!! My husband very much had reservations about me having an epidural, but it was ultimately my decision.

LovesBeingHereAgain · 17/11/2013 20:50

I would have had my dh kicked out of tge room if he tried to stop me from having anything I wanted (had 2 with a bit of g&a)

Original poster
GimmeDaBoobehz · 17/11/2013 20:51

He's actually a really nice guy but very traditional.

He hasn't really explained why he is against it to be honest. He didn't demand she didn't do it but asked that she not do it. I thought this was a bit weird. If for some reason it meant it was dangerous for the baby I could see his point. Perhaps he is misguided in thinking this is the case? I'm not sure.

He is a bit obsessive compulsive but very worried about the delivery room. I am sure it's out of concern not being a bastard but it still doesn't come cross very well, does it?

She says she's going to see how it goes but if she wants it she will take it and he'll have to either put up with it, or her Mum will be taking his place in the delivery room.

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 17/11/2013 20:52

YANBU

Your friend should Get her 'D'P To write down his reasons for not wanting her To have paín relief and then insist that they both speak To the MW about it together.

Then once she's worked out if he is genuinley concerned and ignorante or simply a fucking control freak she can decide How To proceed once the baby arrives. Having used whatever paín relief she chooses.

hoobypickypicky · 17/11/2013 20:52

That would be a man who would never see his child born and never see his child thereafter, if I were the mother.

I'm shocked to read that someone here doesn't think he's a bastard.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 17/11/2013 20:53

At all three of my births I took the decisions seeing ad I pushed out 9lb babies from my body.

Tell him to fuck off.

Bluestocking · 17/11/2013 20:55

What sort of "traditional" is this man, OP? Do you mean he believes that men should make all the decisions about everything, including what happens to women's bodies?

AdoraBell · 17/11/2013 20:55

X post.

Tradicional means Fuck all in this situación, I'd still want him To write down his reasons and hand them and him over To the MW.

optimusic · 17/11/2013 20:56

I suggest that he lets her do something very painful to his cock, without pain relief.. The ask his stance on pain relief

Wolfiefan · 17/11/2013 20:56

Have you heard this from him or second hand? Is he saying she should have no pain relief or he would like to support her through the labour without an epidural if possible? Is he concerned that an epidural may increase the need for intervention?
FWIW. My body. My choice. I had water birth and a few whiffs of gas. If I'd wanted something else then I wouldn't have liked to have been the man to try and tell me I couldn't!!!

CocacolaMum · 17/11/2013 20:57

MyMIL that's not what I said at all. I have 2 children and didn't (couldn't actually due to allergies) use pain relief for either. But it was ME who sat down and made the decision not to risk it and my husband would have absolutely backed me whichever way I had decided.

Please don't patronise me, you make it sound that way.

Original poster
GimmeDaBoobehz · 17/11/2013 20:57

I don't think he's a bastard either hooby but misguided. If he thinks it could put his son in danger, it might make him really want to avoid his wife taking that course of action, iyswim.

She has already stated she'll have what she needs but she'll see when it comes to it. I said to her the same see how it goes at the time. It might be too quick at the time to even get to that stage if a lot progresses at home.

He's a very quiet, reserved guy but not abnormally so. When you visit he chats and offers you a drink but doesn't tend to start a conversation if he doesn't have anything specific to ask. He's very concerned for his wife and offers to cook the dinner most days of the week and offers to run baths and that.

Not defending being a bit demanding though, no excuse for that.

OP posts:
TalkieToaster · 17/11/2013 21:00

I'm glad she's strong enough to know she'll have what she needs, no matter what he thinks.

I reckon he's confused about side-effects, personally. Or he's been hearing completely untrue horror stories about paralysis risks from epidurals.

Casmama · 17/11/2013 21:01

I did hypnobirthing classes and hoped to manage without an epidural. However, when my son was in distress and they wanted to do a large episiotomy and use high cavity forceps you can be bloody sure I took the spinal offered.

I think he is entitled to an opinion but should at least explain the reasons for it. They both need to remember that they don't know how things will work out.

Mitchell2 · 17/11/2013 21:03

he has the right to an opinion if he has genuine concerns (no matter if they are misguided). I agree with adora and they should both speak to the MW to discuss so maybe he can learn a bit more about it all.

I do have a problem with him telling her point blank she can't, because I agree at the end of the day it is up to the woman. once in the delivery room and he is seeing what she is going through I would be very very surprised if he kept up these thoughts!

sapfu · 17/11/2013 21:03

I think you should tell him a perfectly acceptable and non-toxic for mother and baby, side-effect free and 100% effective form of pain relief, is to have the mother squeeze hard on the father's testicles at every contraction, twinge or just for entertainment.

He will be administering that epidural himself. One for her and one for him, just in case. Both done while jabbing himself with pethidine and sucking on the gas and air.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 17/11/2013 21:05

It depends on the conte check has said it.

Does he just want her to try without pain relief, and only have what she needs.