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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it's a woman's choice what pain relief she uses, not her DPs?

97 replies

GimmeDaBoobehz · 17/11/2013 20:42

I know someone who is going to have a baby soon and is considering an epidural/other forms of pain relief in the labour process, as she wants it to be as bearable as possible. However, her partner says he flat out doesn't want her to use pain relief especially the epidural.

AIBU to think it's the woman's body and she and she alone (unless doctors advise against it) what form of pain relief she uses during labour?

It's not like the partner is giving birth to the baby after all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Minnieisthedevilmouse · 18/11/2013 09:07

Equally have they been to NCT classes? As they gave my dh very narrow ideas on epidurals. Whilst they are excellent sources of advice, they are a bit one sided.

Fleta · 18/11/2013 09:08

Actually I think it is something that should be discussed between both parents.

We wrote my birth plan together - and came up with what we were both happy with

killpeppa · 18/11/2013 09:08

I am now ashamed to say this but,
my exH wouldn't let me have my pain relief of chose (epidural). I ended up being knocked out with morphine due to a bad tear & missed my sons first 6 hours.

I still hate him for it, I was in an emotionally abusive relationshipSad

grumpyoldbat · 18/11/2013 09:09

I wasn't going to have any pain relief because the idea of being out of it freaked me out. However after 3 days of regular increasingly painful contractions and no sleep I realised I was a wimp and took gas and air.

IceBeing · 18/11/2013 09:10

hhmm I got very two sided and accurate information on epidurals from the NCT.

IceBeing · 18/11/2013 09:11

killpeppa Thanks

so sorry to hear that.

killpeppa · 18/11/2013 09:15

Icebeing I ended up going to PTS counselling before Ds2 was born the fear of it happening again was so much. Consultant ordered an epidural (consultant care due to high risk), in the end my 2 hour labour was too quick to set an epidural up which he told me he was glad of as it 'wasn't actual labour'

themaltesefalcon · 18/11/2013 09:16

He is an atypical man.

kerala · 18/11/2013 09:17

If they tell the midwife his views it's possible he may be flagged as a potential abuser. My friends dh (who is lovely) had views about scans as he is catholic but my friend isn't so she went ahead and had scans anyway without him. However from then on her dh was treated with real suspicion by staff and they kept asking him to leave so my friend could be treated without him there asked if she was happy with all decisions made etc. luckily the found it quite funny but this dh might not

themaltesefalcon · 18/11/2013 09:17

killpeppa that's revolting behaviour. So glad you're away from that piece of excrement. Flowers

Mellowandfruitful · 18/11/2013 09:17

Very very simple. Her pain, her choice.

If he is 'traditional' Hmm surely he won't even be in the delivery room? He'll be down the pub or smoking a cigar in the waiting room.

PacificDogwood · 18/11/2013 09:19

As soon as your friend's husband is having a baby, he can decide what pain relief he wants/needs.

"Traditional" - pfffft!

It was also 'traditional' for women to die in childbirth or be so traumatised that they have flashback for years afterward... all v 'traditional'.
Fwiw, I've had an epidural, a spinal and nothing but G&A in 4 deliveries - each one was a good experience which I rate highly.

killpeppa {hug}

NotYoMomma · 18/11/2013 09:21

my dh backed up my decision to not have epidural or needles and afterwards encouraged me in that because it is what I wanted.

it was understood that if I wasnt coping or changing my mind he was to back the fuck off and it was my choice.

as for discussing pain relief options and them expressing an opinion? I think that is fair enough

OP said heexpressed his opinion but didnt demand it of the mother. normally you do discuss concerns or preferences together surely?

Shock at someone saying thwywould never see their child over this

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/11/2013 09:21

I don't get the resentment tbh? Obviously it's her body and she should be able to take what she needs but it is his baby too and these things carry risks. Epidurals can go wrong, pethadine makes the baby sleepy possibly needing extra assistance as a result. Even gas and air can make people sick or delerious. Of course he should be concerned about it. There are risks however small to his wife and his baby , why wouldn't he want to be informed and have an opinion?

MrsOakenshield · 18/11/2013 09:23

is she married to Tom Cruise???

DH wasn't keen on me having an epidural because we were told it can leave you with long term back problems, and I already have a bad back, so we stuck with the TENs machine and gas'n'air for a while but I was exhausted and it really got too much so I went ahead with it, with his complete support. So unless he's saying this for a valid medical reason, he's being a bit of a cock.

wibblyjelly · 18/11/2013 09:25

While I was in labour, a midwife came into the room, and asked another woman if she wanted pain killers. Her husband said 'no, she doesn't' The midwife replied 'I wasn't talking to you' and again asked her if she wanted pain killers, which she took. Dh and I had a little giggle to ourselves, and said she was our favourite midwife.

hyenafunk · 18/11/2013 09:38

I think it should be discussed between the man and woman. It might not be the man who has to feel the pain but it is his child who could potentially be affected by the pain relief. It's also half his child that is being brought into the world so I do think he should have some say in how that happens.

I just say this as a total control freak. I can't imagine being the man in this situation having zero control over what happens in all respects of pregnancy and birth. It's interesting to me that a man only has rights to his child when the baby is born and he signs the birth certificate. Up until that point it's all in the woman's court. And I know, I know it happens in our bodies and ultimately should be our decision but part of me thinks yess but without him we wouldn't have the baby in there in the first place.

I think the man should be allowed to voice his opinions and fears at least without being shot down.

PacificDogwood · 18/11/2013 09:42

The baby only has legal rights once it's born - until then the pregnant woman has all the rights.
I have felt uncomfortable about this too, but in the end I think it is right to be so.

Of course an expecting father will have all sorts of worries and concerns which are valid and should be listened to.
However, the decision about what happens in labour must be the woman's.

Why would a pregnant mother-to-be be less concerned about the potential risks of various types of analgesia than the father Confused? The difference is she'll have to live through if - he doesn't. She may well change her mind during labour - pain relief she thought she'd need, she might not or vice versa. Her body, her choice.

SilverApples · 18/11/2013 09:45

It absolutely should be her choice and hers alone as to what drugs she accepts.
But if he's worried and panicking, educating him might be a better way forwards, to deal with the anxiety. He needs to talk with a midwife or HCP who can inform and reassure him that if she wants or needs an epidural, she should have one.

5madthings · 18/11/2013 09:49

Well he is entitled to an opinion but ultimately to is not up to him, he doesn't even get to be present at the birth unless she says he can be there. Its her body, she is the one giving birth and what she says goes.

If i felt my partner wasn't going to be supportive in my choices over childbirth I wouldnt have had him at the birth, actually I wouldnt have had any children with him.

Thankfully he is a decent person who supported my choices.

hackmum · 18/11/2013 09:51

It's possible her DH doesn't understand how painful childbirth can be.

The best approach to pain relief in childbirth in my view is to go in with an open mind. I think it's fine to aim for an optimistic view ("I will aim to get through with shallow breathing/visualisation/TENS machine") but you just never know until you do it whether your body is going to push the baby out with relative ease after a couple of hours or you're going to be in agony for 30 hours while your cervix refuses to dilate/baby stays in an awkward position.

Obviously there are risks associated with epidural (notably forceps/ventouse delivery and episiotomy - and I have heard some forceps horror stories) but there's also a risk with not having one if you want one, e.g. you suffer in terrible agony for hours on end, you become exhausted, you remain traumatised for years afterwards, you fail to bond with your baby, you suffer from PND. I'm sure OP's friend's DH wouldn't wish any of these things on his wife, so he is better off appreciating why she wants to keep her options open.

SoupDragon · 18/11/2013 09:54

The only exception would be allowing the DP to express an opinion wrt anything that may affect the baby. (NB they can only express an opinion though!)

Otherwise, they should butt out. Or consider having a vasectomy with no anaesthetic. Possibly utilising the mother and a couple of bricks.

SilverApples · 18/11/2013 09:55

If he loves her, loves the idea of having a child and becoming a father, he might be afraid of what's going to happen and expressing it badly.
I still think that getting him some counselling and support and enabling him to understand why is the best way forwards.
I wouldn't automatically assume that he's a controlling arse who wants his woman to go through pain and his child to be born without pain relief.

The theory of a birth plan, and breastfeeding and how you will raise your child is exactly that. Theory. Many women have changed their minds with experience, often mid-labour.
No, he doesn't get as say in it, nor should he. But if he understood more, he would change his mind if it's ignorance making him so rigid.

sandfrog · 18/11/2013 09:56

YANBU

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/11/2013 10:01

See my dp left it all up to me. Didn't say anything about how he viewed the whole thing or even how he trusted me to make the right decision .

Personally that peed me right off, I would have loved him to show an interest or concern about anything. If he was dead set against something fir no good reason then of course that woulda had no bearing on whether I chose it or not but I would have preferred a partner who had an opinion to one that left it all up to me and didn't care.