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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it's a woman's choice what pain relief she uses, not her DPs?

97 replies

GimmeDaBoobehz · 17/11/2013 20:42

I know someone who is going to have a baby soon and is considering an epidural/other forms of pain relief in the labour process, as she wants it to be as bearable as possible. However, her partner says he flat out doesn't want her to use pain relief especially the epidural.

AIBU to think it's the woman's body and she and she alone (unless doctors advise against it) what form of pain relief she uses during labour?

It's not like the partner is giving birth to the baby after all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Chunderella · 17/11/2013 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TapirbackFucker · 17/11/2013 21:19

Personally, I think that as he's the 'traditional' type, he should go down the hand holding route, but substitute his bollocks for his hand. Then as labour progresses, he can really feel what she is going through!

Traditional my arse - what a fool he is!

wimblehorse · 17/11/2013 21:20

There was a couple on my antenatal course where the guy was adamant he should get a say & be able to refuse his wife having pethedine as it crosses the placenta. He was a cock.

By all means discuss it & offer opinions/desires for ideal birth plan. But the one giving birth gets to make the decisions.

TapirbackFucker · 17/11/2013 21:20

Ach x posts with Sapfu!

Great minds think alike and all that! Grin

Balaboosta · 17/11/2013 21:21

Dear oh dear. YANBU of course.

gemmal88 · 17/11/2013 21:21

I don't think that's his decision to make. I would have a few choice words for my partner if he tried to control that decision!

Poor woman, the last thing she needs in labour is not being able to handle the pain, but feeling too guilty to ask for pain relief because of her husband? What a knob!

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 17/11/2013 21:22

That what I mean by context, if it was just his view but ultimately will support the mother of his child during labour.

FrostedButts · 17/11/2013 21:22

is he Tom Cruise? Hmm

Chunderella · 17/11/2013 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChristmasCareeristBitchNigel · 18/11/2013 00:42

A boy i went to school with's mother ended up paralysed from her epidural. Maybe something like this has happened to someone he knows ?

JemR234 · 18/11/2013 00:45

What a shit! That poor woman. I hope she breaks his hand in labour!

thehorridestmumintheworld · 18/11/2013 00:53

Yes it is healthier to have a natural birth and I think he should be allowed to say that to her before the labour, together with any personal reasons like if he knows of someone who had complications. But he does not get to choose in labour that is the choice of the person who is going through hours of pain, only they can say what is bearable to them.

BlackeyedSusan · 18/11/2013 00:55

tapir. i was coming on to suggest the same. Grin

GobbySadcase · 18/11/2013 01:00

What a good thing it is then that in the labour room what he wants will mean diddly squat.

The midwives will be asking friend direct what she wants and only what she wants. Exactly as it should be.

Greythorne · 18/11/2013 01:01

What a fuckwit.

If she's under 24 weeks pregnant I would remind him she can legally terminate the pregnancy without so much as mentioning it to him.

glastocat · 18/11/2013 01:01

I really didn't want an epidural ( I'd been brainwashed by bloody NCT classes) but was persuaded to have one as my blood pressure was getting very high and they thought it would help. However just as they were about to put the needle in a nurse came crashing in saying STOP as she had just got my bloods back and they realised I had HELLP syndrome, so an epidural could have killed me apparently. So I didn't get one after all.

Anyway, her husband is daft but it's not his decision anyway, thank goodness.

RevelsRoulette · 18/11/2013 08:12

I'd be telling him that I'd do as he said if he agreed to stand next to me in the delivery suite with his cock in a vice, which I could turn every time I had a contraction.

Oh, and he wouldn't be allowed any pain relief.

It's so easy to have all these strong opinions about somebody else's pain, isn't it?

SharpLily · 18/11/2013 08:30

In theory it's sweet that he wants to be involved, but I think your friend should gently but firmly explain to her husband that when he's the one squeezing a small human out of his fanjo, he can make the decisions. In the meantime his opinion needs to remain just that, an opinion.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 18/11/2013 08:34

Given that you know him and he is usually not a complete twunt, perhaps he has valid concerns. My friend recently gave birth and was terrified that if she went for an epidural, it might go wrong and leave her paralysed. Maybe he's worried about something similar but doesn't want to voice it because he doesn't want to frighten his pregnant partner?

Screamqueen · 18/11/2013 08:36

Coca loads of women cope without pain relief. It's not a given that you have to use pain relief. You make it sound that way

What...by asking "Why on earth would he want her to not use pain relief?"?? How do you reach that then? Confused

Joysmum · 18/11/2013 08:45

Takes me back to me birth plan:

I wanted a natural birth with no interference and if pain relief were needed I MAY have a little gas and air.

Pmsl EVERYTHING went wrong, even the ambulance broke down when I was rushed from the midwife led unit to hospital!

Thank god we'd educated ourselves on all the common practices and pain relief options because we needed them and then an emergency C Section too. The epidural too 3 goes to get in the right place and I needed a blood patch 3 days later to repair the puncture.

So the advice it to tell the hubby to hope for the best and prepare for the worst because his attitude to pain relief was no different to my own but I did at least do my research just in case.

Joysmum · 18/11/2013 08:48

It was a long time back, but for those asking about why not to use pain relief, it's not as uncommon as you think. Plus I knew that for certain drugs (I can't remember the details now as it was yonks ago!) it could enter the baby's system too. Obviously the drugs used can't be that bad but I still did want as little interference as possible...it just didn't work out that way.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 18/11/2013 08:48

Agree with SharpLily - it might be OK to have these opinions and talk them over with his partner if he realised they were opinions and crucially if he realised that the choices were hers to make, also if he was prepared to learn, become better informed, and was open to changing his views.
Worrying that he thinks his own initial opinion is so important.

Blu · 18/11/2013 09:01

She needs to put in her birth plan that all discussions wrt to potential pain relief need t be had directly with her and that she does not agree that her DP advocate for her in this matter.

Can she take him to some classes, discuss with him ways that he can support her during labour, and which may well assist in her not needing pain relief, discuss with him why he is averse to pain relief and then talk him through what it feels like to be going into something that you have never experienced before, that is to do with your own body and how that feels if someone else tries to take control?

As a control freak he might understand that!!

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 18/11/2013 09:05

Tbh in my two experiences the doctors refused to acknowledge dh wishes whilst I could speak. Emcs and elective. They asked me. Even when out of my box on pethidene/induction drugs.

She needs to put her thoughts in read pen in big letters in her notes. And maybe ask her mum in the room instead.....

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