Husband vs my parents situation

[bountyicecream]

This is something that happened a year ago but we are currently going through marriage counselling and this keeps been brought up. It is clear that the counsellors opinion is with my husband on this and so I'm really questioning whether I'm right at all.

So 18 months ago my husband had a falling out with my parents. 9 months before this situation happened. It was over a trivial thing as these things so often are. Basically my husband felt that I should have supported him when he objected to something ( minor) that my mum was doing with out dd. She was pre- loading the spoons when dd was eating, h felt that dd should be doing it herself ( we were blw). Anyway I didn't think it warranted the rebuke that my h gave to my mum, and so h stormed off as I was 'siding with her'.

During marriage counselling it has become apparent that h feels I have never supported him and have always allowed my parents to influence me. I dispute this as I feel I am v independent. I actually feel I have a much close relationship than many of my friends do with their parents. We only speak every couple of weeks and see each other monthly. I've never been on for discussing personal things with her.

Anyway the big issue came at dd's 2nd birthday party a year ago. I hired a hall and invited 7 other children and their parents plus both sets of grandparents. H's parents didn't come (predictably although I'd have loved them to be there). H refused to come if my parents were there.

My parents agreed to be polite and friendly but not try to discuss any issues or heal the rift in public.

H refused to come unless I uninvited them.

I didn't uninvite my parents. I felt that the party was about dd, not my husband, and that she would love to have her grandparents there.

I counselling h has gone on about how I excluded him from dd's party. I used to reply that he excluded himself as he was always welcome. If my parents had refused to come if h was there then obviously I would have told them not to come. Bt they didn't. They were willing to be friendly for dd's sake.

So this is being trotted out as an example of where I put my secondary family before my primary family. Normally I would say that dads are more important than grandparents and that primary family does come first.

Should I have backed down over this and uninvited my parents. This was the first time I'd ever stood up to my husband. And now he bangs on about it as the thing that has hurt him most ever in his life.

The counsellor just reinforces that primary family is more important than secondary family, which I do agree with, so WIBU here?

Sorry so long

Surely a counsellor is not there to make judgements, his role is to help you sort out the issues between you, not to make matters worse. Sounds poor to me.

It looks as though you have more than one child to cope with in your household, your husband and your daughter. From what you say his behaviour is very petulant, you are right the party was about your DD not about him and she was the important one so it's a pity he couldn't see that. Still it is not nice for him to feel so insecure nor for the counsellor to add to that feeling. Is this insecurity anything to do with his relationship with his own parents do you think?

It's not particularly important given the (much) bigger picture of your dh's issues with your family, but...
..preloading spoons for baby to pick up is perfectly in keeping with blw to help them eat sloppier food before they can manage it themselves.

Your GP can refer you for counselling but it can be a long waiting list, or quite often there will be charities that offer counselling for a donation - try googling counselling and charity and your area. I havent read the whole thread but he is being extremely emotionally manipulative and controlling. I would imagine there may be past issues with his family to be honest, it doesn't sound healthy :(

I interpreted what op said - to limit contact to once every 10 days and that was while they go the marriage back on track? So a temporary measure?

There may well be issues in his past. But it is not your job to fix them. Not if it means putting up with a man so manipulating that he flings himself weeping on the bed over a spoon.

I had a very similar conversation with my MIL about blw after she forgot and started feeding (then baby) dd her food.

It went as follows:-

Me: Oooh MIL - don't forget we're trying to get dd to feed herself
MIL (slightly stroppily): your rules are all different! We never did this sort of thing with the lads.
Me: I know! Things have changed so much since I was a baby. I do wonder how me and my brother survived to adulthood. We have photos of us both in a baby bouncer that was later taken off the market for catapulting the baby across the room!
MIL: We had one of those too I think.
Me: I wonder what things dd will look at in horror if she becomes a mum that I did with her?
Conversation continued happily.....

Sobbing in the bedroom? Huh!?!? I'd have missed pudding!

Church based counselling?

By a male pastor I take it?

No wonder you should submit yourself to your man and let him control you like a surrendered wife.

I suggest you find a difference couples counselor, like from Relate.

ok back again.

Yes the 10d contact rule is supposed to be a temporary thing. My big concern is that we never reach the point when our relationship is 'secure enough' for it to be relaxed. Or that when it is relaxed and I start doing normal things like chatting about what we have been up to that this will be viewed as a 'relaspe' and the embargo is returned.

I did wonder about autism at one point. but he seems to be the opposite. He hates routine and rules. We have had a massive battle over having a set bedtime for dd as he prefers to go with the flow. He finds agreeing to social situations in advance stressful as he might not fancy doing that thing when the time arises. He hated me meal planning fpr the week as that might not be what he fancied on that night. I just don't see that fitting with autism. He generally by his own admission will rail aginst rules.

It's not about the spoons blackberry
Rtft

I don't normally post on these types of threads but this one is making me really sad :( My mam lived 6 hours away so I couldn't really visit her much before she died (I'd see her about twice a year) but I was on the phone to her at least 4 times a week. My dp didn't particularly get on with her however he'd never have stopped me seeing/speaking to her as he wanted me to be happy (plus I'd of told him to take a run/jump if he had) Its not right, and I'd be seriously considering leaving him. So sorry you are having to go through this though, I know it must be hard :(

Not healthy at all.

He i think there is a massive 'gap' in this persons thinking re his recall of childhood memeories that is not normal.

He seems to have issues with forming relationships - close ones.

He is controlling and EA. You seem a bit imprisoned by him but quite rightly are questionning this.

I'm sorry but I do think you need to leave before you lose your sense of sef completely. Gather more advice in RL.

I'd say you were all equally as stubborn as each other. And there will be no answers until everybody agrees to grow up and act like adults. And I think if you are so particular about how your child is fed then it would probably be better to do it yourself. I couldn't be bothered with this level of parental involvement in a marriage.

Bounty, did you ever think you would be in a position where you referred to speaking to your parents as a 'relapse?' Please reach out for as much real life support as you can and don't accept this.

vivien the spoon was just a catalyst.

She doesnt say she tells him who he can speak to and what about - read more of thread.

Yes sorry. He absolutely should not be saying she can't see her parents. That's dreadful.

bounty can I ask if your DP ever criticise him or say negative things about him to you?

I ask because I have been in a similar situation to your DM but it didn't get THIS far

Just playing devils advocate here and also having seen a few other sides want to make sure all sides are covered as much as they can be, asking random strangers things on the net.

I have seen with my own eyes, one set of behaviour and someone responding to that and having a totally different view of it.

I do not think the loading of the spoon was just about that. He was attaching far more emotional relevance to that, as someone said, did you tell him off for doing it, or he just saw it as another example of your parents doing what they want.

I can totally understand the counsellor saying its you against the world when your DH sees your parents as a huge problem in his marriage. What else is the marriage counsellor supposed to say? Maybe her DH needs to feel that she is putting her marriage first before her parents.

Over all there are too many deep and complex isues here op, you do not seem to know much about his parents or their relationship with him, I know lots of males in my family would only call home a few times a year, I do not see anything wrong with that per see....but you do, as you well know need to get to the bottom of his insecurities and get him to talk to you.

A fresh start with new counsellor, working on his insecurities. He has a massive problem, ( obvisouly) with you and your parents, whether that is justfied or not we do not know, and we only get your side on here, whether he is simply carrying over problems with his own parents or past partner, or he has massive anxiety and insecurity.....we do not know.

I would however like to point out on threads like this that the OP does sound quite normal and balanced to me and unless this was an arranged marriage I would like to think she has some idea of her husband and he isnt a total pathetic twat....

Just joining this thread as after reading it right through I am horrified.

Your counsellor is NOT a counsellor. What you are having is NOT counselling and at best could be described as meddling.

You have an untrained man, with an agenda to keep people married (I'm an ex-Baptist - even with churches that look v relaxed, the core of Baptist belief is very very traditional) - even though he has said help people separate if it turns out that way, I'm sure you would be encouraged to make more and more sacrifices to try to keep it going.

And the most obvious thing - your DH is emotionally abusive. He is busy isolating you further and further, throwing massive strops if he doesn't get his own way (over a fucking spoon!?!). And your so-called counsellor can't see it as they have no training and no skills so is now colluding with your DH.

I'd suggest individual counselling for you (with a Relate or BACP professional). You need to get out of your so-called marriage counselling if at all possible. Joint counselling isn't recommended if there is abuse for the reasons your meddler is demonstrating - but if you feel you must try it, do it with a trained professional.

However personally, I couldn't live by the rules your DH seems to need - normal people want to show their mums where they've been on holiday, can see that 5s of non-BLW isn't going to traumatize their child etc. I suspect most women couldn't either. I'm not sure counselling is going to change his personality and think you should go. Sorry.

Yes the 10d contact rule is supposed to be a temporary thing. My big concern is that we never reach the point when our relationship is 'secure enough' for it to be relaxed. Or that when it is relaxed and I start doing normal things like chatting about what we have been up to that this will be viewed as a 'relaspe' and the embargo is returned.

It doesn't make sense apart from as a tool to control and isolate you. Why on earth should you stop seeing your parents until your marriage improves!

I would seriously seek independent counselling, probably on your own.

We are only getting one side here, countless MN have told women to limit contact with in laws, cut them off etc....dont let mil near the baby! I am sure the issues lie with the DH but we are only getting one side.