Husband vs my parents situation

[bountyicecream]

This is something that happened a year ago but we are currently going through marriage counselling and this keeps been brought up. It is clear that the counsellors opinion is with my husband on this and so I'm really questioning whether I'm right at all.

So 18 months ago my husband had a falling out with my parents. 9 months before this situation happened. It was over a trivial thing as these things so often are. Basically my husband felt that I should have supported him when he objected to something ( minor) that my mum was doing with out dd. She was pre- loading the spoons when dd was eating, h felt that dd should be doing it herself ( we were blw). Anyway I didn't think it warranted the rebuke that my h gave to my mum, and so h stormed off as I was 'siding with her'.

During marriage counselling it has become apparent that h feels I have never supported him and have always allowed my parents to influence me. I dispute this as I feel I am v independent. I actually feel I have a much close relationship than many of my friends do with their parents. We only speak every couple of weeks and see each other monthly. I've never been on for discussing personal things with her.

Anyway the big issue came at dd's 2nd birthday party a year ago. I hired a hall and invited 7 other children and their parents plus both sets of grandparents. H's parents didn't come (predictably although I'd have loved them to be there). H refused to come if my parents were there.

My parents agreed to be polite and friendly but not try to discuss any issues or heal the rift in public.

H refused to come unless I uninvited them.

I didn't uninvite my parents. I felt that the party was about dd, not my husband, and that she would love to have her grandparents there.

I counselling h has gone on about how I excluded him from dd's party. I used to reply that he excluded himself as he was always welcome. If my parents had refused to come if h was there then obviously I would have told them not to come. Bt they didn't. They were willing to be friendly for dd's sake.

So this is being trotted out as an example of where I put my secondary family before my primary family. Normally I would say that dads are more important than grandparents and that primary family does come first.

Should I have backed down over this and uninvited my parents. This was the first time I'd ever stood up to my husband. And now he bangs on about it as the thing that has hurt him most ever in his life.

The counsellor just reinforces that primary family is more important than secondary family, which I do agree with, so WIBU here?

Sorry so long

[Cravey]

I think you need to change therapists.. No way should they be telling you to choose sides. That's just not the way it is done. He needs to stop being so controlling.

[enriquetheringbearinglizard]

I wonder how things are for Bounty too. Hope she's doing ok.

[AllOverIt]

Well done Bounty. How are you doing now?

[EirikurNoromaour]

Well done for taking the step. It's scary and the next few weeks/months will be hard at times but you have absolutely done the right thing.

[nauticant]

It's a relief to see this new development and I'm pleased to see you're bearing up even though it will be very difficult for you.

There's no need for you to believe he's an evil man but clearly the way he's treated you has done you real harm and harmed those you love.

Just take time to see what it's like not to have to cope with his damaging presence and try to work out how you can arrange your life so you and your child can be happy and relaxed.

[MumofYuck]

It is indeed a process. Hold firm and you'll get through it. The advice on here is generally very good on how to negotiate the day-to-day challenges.

I was thinking about this on the train this morning. If my husband solemnly turned to me one day and said he could maybe consider working on trying to love me if I changed loads of stuff about myself, I think I'd a) consider it briefly and try to see if it was reasonable and then b) tell him to jog the fuck on. Anybody who says they can ONLY love you if you fulfil conditions X Y and Z does not really love you. They may think they do, but it is not a healthy emotion and you're better off away from it/them.

I was also thinking that you are, in a way, very lucky. Not in terms of having a controlling arse of a hopefully STBXH, obviously, but in yourself. I've seen thread after thread here where it becomes apparent that the partner is a controlling abusive fuckwit but the op is simply too beaten down to be able to tackle the situation. I've seen posters spend weeks trying to convince ops that they ARE worthwhile as people, that they deserve happiness, that their partner's word is not gospel.

You, on the other hand, seem to have healthy self-esteem (you realise you are not fat and have the confidence to tell your H so), a good relationship with your family and people in RL (which he tried to take away from you) and the courage to a) listen to others and b) get up and leave when you realised the situation wasn't healthy for anyone concerned. I am amazed and impressed by how brave you've been because I'm not at all sure I could have handled this as well as you have.

What I am clumsily trying to say is that I think you have done/are doing brilliantly and are clearly a very capable and courageous person

[ZillionChocolate]

You can be angry with him Bounty. He has destroyed your marriage and has been trying to destroy you. I think that's worse than having an affair.

You've absolutely done the right thing. You've been so brave, you just need to be strong for whatever comes next. This will get easier in time. Take all the love and support that's on offer from your family.

As far as DD is concerned, it's important to get arrangements for her to see him sorted out quickly. Has your solicitor advised on this?

[captainmummy]

Bounty - I felt exactly the same when I was considering leaving my ex (no abuse, just a dead-end feeling) . I felt guilty of course, but realised I am not responsible for his happiness. If your dh is unhappy, that is because of his decisions, not yours, as wheels said upthread. If he has no-one to be with, that is because he is an abusive controller, and no-one should have to live with him.

It does get better, I promise you; you are free of his control now. Please be aware that he will wheedle, promise, threaten, cry, consider suicide, threaten again (cos he can't give that up so easily) and probably yes, get a serious, mysterious 'illness'.

He can still be a father to your dd without being a husband. Your dd still has 2 people who love her. (and more, now that your parents can see her when they like)

[bountyicecream]

enrique thanks for sharing that. Yes he is responsible for his own happiness. My crazy mind wishes he had been having an affair as then a) i could be mad at him and b) he would have someone to be with.

Still, just a process isn't it.

[enriquetheringbearinglizard]

Thanks again everyone. Bereavement and emotional rollercoaster just about sums it up. I'm feeling so guilty that I've hurt him, and also a bit frightened as to what the future brings

You are more than welcome.

Part of my own experience might help you, so I'll share.
I have a toxic relationship in my life (not romantic) and I feel in a state of permanent bereavement over it.
However, what I realize is that I'm not in mourning for the relationship that exists.
I am in mourning for the relationship that should have been. There's a big difference.

You will be frightened about the future. Apprehensive.
But you just take it step by step, you don't face up to the huge big picture, you just deal with what you need to deal with and you start to live again.

As daunting as it might all seem, you won't be dealing with constantly being cowed down and there will be a fantastic amount of love, fun and hope to come as your DD grows.

Sometimes a marriage really wasn't made in heaven, wrong people or wrong time, or both - you just have to do what you can to make the best of what is now - and everyone here will tell you that you have not made this man unhappy, don't ever believe otherwise.
That thought makes me very angry actually.
You haven't made him unhappy, but it's clear to anyone who reads that he's made you very unhappy indeed, which you are now going to turn around.
Hopefully he'll find a way to some happiness, but that's really up to him and how he chooses to behave.

[tinypumpkin]

I am so glad that you are with your DD at your parents. Wishing you strength and positivity for the future. I imagine it must be scary to be you right now but you have done something amazing and given both yourself and your DD a future.

[eatriskier]

bounty this thread made me feel really sad for you and your DD. But I'm so happy for you both that you've gotten out. Good luck for the future

[PoshPenny]

Well done bounty, onwards and upwards now. my very best wishes to you, your daughter and your parents as you rebuild your life based on normal rules. fat? FAT??!!!!

[TheRobberBride]

Delurking to wish you all the the best Bounty.

You have done the right thing-for yourself and your DD.

You've been very brave.

[themummyonthebus]

Bounty, wishing you all the best. This thread has been playing on my mind since you started it and I'm so relieved to hear you're out and with your parents. I have absolutely no practical advice to offer but I hope things only get better for you from now on.

[Jux]

Bounty, have you heard of The Freedom Programme? Try to find one near you, or one like it. Ask your new doctor. They are designed for people like you, and will help you reset your radar for abusive twunts, as well as help you see the guilt you feel for what it is.

Hope you are settling into life with your parents, and that the clouds of FOG are clearing steadily every day. And that the Vile Toad is leaving you all alone.

[insummeritreinsdeer]

Apologies, bounty, have just realised that there have been updates since your OP.

[insummeritreinsdeer]

I'm sorry to say, OP but your DH sounds completely unreasonable. I have a strained relationship with my PIL's but when it comes to my DC, what is best for them should always come first.
To have not gone to his DD's party over a blw row was churlish and completely selfish. He sounds like he is trying to drive a wedge between you and your DP's.

[MumofYuck]

Oh yes, wait on tenderhooks for the announcement of his not-so-sudden illness. It'll be stress-related, I betcha.

[IRCL]

Wow just read all 23 pages...Bounty good on you for leaving with your DD, it is bound to be hard, pleas do not feel as if you have hurt him!!!!! He is an absolute arsehole who does not deserve you.

I am really glad you have supportive family/friends.

Thinking of you.

[Chippednailvarnish]

Telling you you're fat = control
Stopping you contacting your parents = control
Accusing you of mollycoddling your daughter = control

Making you feel guilty = control

The next one will be that he's ill and you have been out of order leaving him, or getting his family to contact you. It's all in a bid to control you...

Thank God you have left.

[motherinferior]

Bounty, I'm so impressed by you.

[TensionWheelsCoolHeels]

Bounty, why don't you try and think that one through. You hurt him. How exactly does that work? His actions, his behaviour, his treatment of you, his views on your parents, his restrictions on your choices/actions all to placate him. All of these things he had the free will to decide on whether to do/say/act this way, or to be able to realise how abusive that behaviour was for you. You don't make him do/say/act how he does. He's an adult and is more than capable of making his own choices on this. He chooses his own behaviour/treatment of you/dislike for your parents. If the culmination of his actions/choices/words/behaviour is that he is hurt where in all of this is your responsibility for that hurt? Where have you acted unfairly/harshly/abusively towards him? Where have you actively set out to inflict any pain/suffering on him? Because from reading this thread, you have tried and tried to placate a man who does not see you as his equal, as someone who has feelings/thoughts/personal autonomy in deciding who you see/when/how long/why. And no one should have to live like that, no matter what anyone else thinks about 'their' right to impose/stomp all over your thoughts/feelings/actions/decisions/relationships with others.

You did not hurt him. He's done a good job creating the situations where he might feel hurt, but that has not been your doing. Remember that.

[LoodleDoodle]

Bounty I have been reading your thread since the start and am SO glad to log in and see you have left. I know it is easy to say, but try not to feel too sorry for him, he'll be banking on that. What has happened is NOT your fault, and his weirdness and nastiness have been calculated attempts to manipulate you which no doubt won't suddenly stop. Try and be wise to it. And big hugs.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Guilty??? You hurt him???

No no no - he hurt you.

He has got deep into you, hasn't he? Bloody hell.