Husband vs my parents situation

[bountyicecream]

This is something that happened a year ago but we are currently going through marriage counselling and this keeps been brought up. It is clear that the counsellors opinion is with my husband on this and so I'm really questioning whether I'm right at all.

So 18 months ago my husband had a falling out with my parents. 9 months before this situation happened. It was over a trivial thing as these things so often are. Basically my husband felt that I should have supported him when he objected to something ( minor) that my mum was doing with out dd. She was pre- loading the spoons when dd was eating, h felt that dd should be doing it herself ( we were blw). Anyway I didn't think it warranted the rebuke that my h gave to my mum, and so h stormed off as I was 'siding with her'.

During marriage counselling it has become apparent that h feels I have never supported him and have always allowed my parents to influence me. I dispute this as I feel I am v independent. I actually feel I have a much close relationship than many of my friends do with their parents. We only speak every couple of weeks and see each other monthly. I've never been on for discussing personal things with her.

Anyway the big issue came at dd's 2nd birthday party a year ago. I hired a hall and invited 7 other children and their parents plus both sets of grandparents. H's parents didn't come (predictably although I'd have loved them to be there). H refused to come if my parents were there.

My parents agreed to be polite and friendly but not try to discuss any issues or heal the rift in public.

H refused to come unless I uninvited them.

I didn't uninvite my parents. I felt that the party was about dd, not my husband, and that she would love to have her grandparents there.

I counselling h has gone on about how I excluded him from dd's party. I used to reply that he excluded himself as he was always welcome. If my parents had refused to come if h was there then obviously I would have told them not to come. Bt they didn't. They were willing to be friendly for dd's sake.

So this is being trotted out as an example of where I put my secondary family before my primary family. Normally I would say that dads are more important than grandparents and that primary family does come first.

Should I have backed down over this and uninvited my parents. This was the first time I'd ever stood up to my husband. And now he bangs on about it as the thing that has hurt him most ever in his life.

The counsellor just reinforces that primary family is more important than secondary family, which I do agree with, so WIBU here?

Sorry so long

[Minnieisthedevilmouse]

Wow. Good move op. Very brave. You did the right thing. I wish you all well. X

[ChasedByBees]

So pleased for you OP. These early days will be difficult but it will be so worth it in the end.

[Thurlow]

Good luck, OP, and well done for taking this step. It's wonderful to hear that have done it

[FairPhyllis]

I think you've done the right thing, Bounty. Now just don't go back!

[bringbacksideburns]

Well done OP.

And please don't feel sorry for him. He's a big boy now. He is responsible for his unkind remarks and frankly odd 'issues' and the way he acts. Who would want to remain with such a controlling person?

The more you described him the worse it got. Take care of yourself and do not be swayed by dramatic actions and crying texts. He needs to speak to a properly accredited counsellor not a Church one and he needs help.
It's clear to me he has a strained and difficult relationship with his own family, intimacy issues and a desire to put you down.


Your dd will be fine with you and your parents.
Where you go from here will take time but for now stay exactly where you are.

[FairPhyllis]

BTW Bounty if he is true to the script of an abuser he will make all kinds of extravagant promises and threats now. For example, he may promise you can have anything you want, as much contact with your parents as you like etc etc. if you come back.

And if that doesn't work for him, he'll say he is having a breakdown and might kill himself. Or that he'll fight you for DD or tell SS you're an unfit mother or the police that you've kidnapped DD. These are common tactics.

Stay strong and stay where you are.

[Oswin]

Well done bounty. I'm so glad your out.

[WibblyWallChart]

Best wishes

[CheeseandPickledOnion]

Wow, just read this whole thread and I'm so glad to hear you LTB.

[QOD]

Well done, so pleased to have read to the end and found you've done it!
He isn't a normal husband, his treatment and response to family aren't normal

[Motherinlawsdung]

Well done for being so brave. You have done the best possible thing for your daughter. Do not let him persuade you to go back. He is a very strange man.

[Beautifulbabyboy]

???? thinking of you. It's going to be tough, but well done. Your daughter will thank you. Xx

[ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO]

You are so brave, well done. It will be so hard right now, and its like a bereavement, going through all the emotions but you did the right thing, if for no one else your poor DD.

Heres to a far better and brighter future.

[enriquetheringbearinglizard]

Bounty, I'm sure you're going to be on an emotional rollercoaster for a while yet, expect it and prepare yourself.
On the upside, while you're dealing with that you will have the positive support of your parents as opposed to your H being right there wearing you down.

I really feel for you, but I also really feel for what your parents have been through, knowing what was happening and trying their hardest to wait it out and hope that you came to your senses.
This split is going to be absolutely the best thing for you and for your DD.
No one will pretend it's going to be easy, but you can comfort yourself with knowing that it's what your H was saying he wanted to (if not in so many words he was making you out to be an unfit wife) Someone had to have the balls to start sorting things out so well done you.
Wishing you lots of luck and much happiness

[haveyourselfashandy]

I am so glad you have left.Here's to the start of a new life for you and your dd! It will be so hard but it will get easier.Best of luck x x

[auntpetunia]

I Am so pleased for you! Well done you brave brave woman, you've given your DD a shining example to enable her to be a strong woman . [Thanks]

[auntpetunia]

[MumofYuck]

I've just read this whole thing with a feeling of creeping dread. I am so so glad that you are clear-eyed enough and strong enough to have left. It sounds like it was very definitely the right thing to do. Well done op

[bountyicecream]

Thanks again everyone. Bereavement and emotional rollercoaster just about sums it up. I'm feeling so guilty that I've hurt him, and also a bit frightened as to what the future brings

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Guilty??? You hurt him???

No no no - he hurt you.

He has got deep into you, hasn't he? Bloody hell.

[LoodleDoodle]

Bounty I have been reading your thread since the start and am SO glad to log in and see you have left. I know it is easy to say, but try not to feel too sorry for him, he'll be banking on that. What has happened is NOT your fault, and his weirdness and nastiness have been calculated attempts to manipulate you which no doubt won't suddenly stop. Try and be wise to it. And big hugs.

[TensionWheelsCoolHeels]

Bounty, why don't you try and think that one through. You hurt him. How exactly does that work? His actions, his behaviour, his treatment of you, his views on your parents, his restrictions on your choices/actions all to placate him. All of these things he had the free will to decide on whether to do/say/act this way, or to be able to realise how abusive that behaviour was for you. You don't make him do/say/act how he does. He's an adult and is more than capable of making his own choices on this. He chooses his own behaviour/treatment of you/dislike for your parents. If the culmination of his actions/choices/words/behaviour is that he is hurt where in all of this is your responsibility for that hurt? Where have you acted unfairly/harshly/abusively towards him? Where have you actively set out to inflict any pain/suffering on him? Because from reading this thread, you have tried and tried to placate a man who does not see you as his equal, as someone who has feelings/thoughts/personal autonomy in deciding who you see/when/how long/why. And no one should have to live like that, no matter what anyone else thinks about 'their' right to impose/stomp all over your thoughts/feelings/actions/decisions/relationships with others.

You did not hurt him. He's done a good job creating the situations where he might feel hurt, but that has not been your doing. Remember that.

[motherinferior]

Bounty, I'm so impressed by you.

[Chippednailvarnish]

Telling you you're fat = control
Stopping you contacting your parents = control
Accusing you of mollycoddling your daughter = control

Making you feel guilty = control

The next one will be that he's ill and you have been out of order leaving him, or getting his family to contact you. It's all in a bid to control you...

Thank God you have left.