Husband vs my parents situation

[bountyicecream]

This is something that happened a year ago but we are currently going through marriage counselling and this keeps been brought up. It is clear that the counsellors opinion is with my husband on this and so I'm really questioning whether I'm right at all.

So 18 months ago my husband had a falling out with my parents. 9 months before this situation happened. It was over a trivial thing as these things so often are. Basically my husband felt that I should have supported him when he objected to something ( minor) that my mum was doing with out dd. She was pre- loading the spoons when dd was eating, h felt that dd should be doing it herself ( we were blw). Anyway I didn't think it warranted the rebuke that my h gave to my mum, and so h stormed off as I was 'siding with her'.

During marriage counselling it has become apparent that h feels I have never supported him and have always allowed my parents to influence me. I dispute this as I feel I am v independent. I actually feel I have a much close relationship than many of my friends do with their parents. We only speak every couple of weeks and see each other monthly. I've never been on for discussing personal things with her.

Anyway the big issue came at dd's 2nd birthday party a year ago. I hired a hall and invited 7 other children and their parents plus both sets of grandparents. H's parents didn't come (predictably although I'd have loved them to be there). H refused to come if my parents were there.

My parents agreed to be polite and friendly but not try to discuss any issues or heal the rift in public.

H refused to come unless I uninvited them.

I didn't uninvite my parents. I felt that the party was about dd, not my husband, and that she would love to have her grandparents there.

I counselling h has gone on about how I excluded him from dd's party. I used to reply that he excluded himself as he was always welcome. If my parents had refused to come if h was there then obviously I would have told them not to come. Bt they didn't. They were willing to be friendly for dd's sake.

So this is being trotted out as an example of where I put my secondary family before my primary family. Normally I would say that dads are more important than grandparents and that primary family does come first.

Should I have backed down over this and uninvited my parents. This was the first time I'd ever stood up to my husband. And now he bangs on about it as the thing that has hurt him most ever in his life.

The counsellor just reinforces that primary family is more important than secondary family, which I do agree with, so WIBU here?

Sorry so long

OP I have read this thread with increasing horror.

You will need your 'secondary' family about you in the coming years as I fear that if you continue in this controlled and nasty world your husband is creating you will become very stressed and ill and beaten down by it.

No-one, but no-one tells me how often to call my beloved mum, or visit my family, or not to see them after something as traumatic as giving birth, or to only contact them every 10 days. I find this upsetting to read.

Your husband is irrational, his paddy on the holiday is beyond belief even if your mum did utter a small phrase out of turn.

Not speaking to them for months- who does he think he is? Sadly, it is obvious who he thinks he is- head of the household and boss of who speaks/moves/contacts others.

You may think you can put up with this but my feeling is that once you see the effect it has on your child when this stuff comes to affect her ('mummy, can I skype granny'- with you thinking, we are not allowed contact for x ays) then I think you will see this is a very unpleasant situation indeed.

You poor thing, he's done a number on you and sadly this useless counsellor is barking completely up the wrong tree. You don't back a controlling man to further control you, no, no, no. He's crap and do get personal counselling and do turn to your own family if you want to, you will need their support in the time ahead.

So he has set a limit on the contact you are allowed with your parents Fuck that! How dare he! As though you are a child and they are a bad influence on you! I would tell him to go screw himself and get a divorce! Relationships with controlling arsehole people like this never end well. Been there done that!

Whats the photo thing? I think i must have missed that.

Thanks everyone. Really appreciate all. I know my friend agrees with you all. I suppose that counts for a lot a she obviously knows me well and has met my husband plenty of times, although I wouldn't say they are friends

Your husband sounds like a massive penis. I can't believe he got the hump over a pre-loaded spoon. Are you doing blw with him? I only ask because he sounds like a fucking toddler.

Photo thing is that he doesn't want our personal holiday pictures emailed to other close family members as it shouldn't interest them as they weren't there

Sorry. Toddlers are more rational!

bounty you know this isn't right, don't you which is why you have posted. I think you know other families and marriages aren't like this- which is why the 'one size fits all' keep the family together advice of the counsellor is really bad.

Photo thing is that he doesn't want our personal holiday pictures emailed to other close family members as it shouldn't interest them as they weren't there

If he really feels that way then he is weird.

Did he have a very isolating upbringing?

Have to go for a bit now as h will be home soon and don't want him finding me on here! But will be back later.

Thanks so much for your thoughts everyone.

Your dh sounds loathsome. Your poor parents, they can totally see the picture, it must kill them to know that you are in a very controlling abusive marriage and they can do nothing about it.

It seems that, hopefully, you are beginning to realise it too. You must act, he won't change, he will continue to punish and ostracise you from your friends and family until you are so worn down you simply go along with him for an easy life.

Don't wait until it gets to that point.

Not want to see one's new grandchild. What planet is he from?

OK, I'm shifting about like a shifty thing here, but whatever little ways your family may or may not have, they do seem to have reasonably natural urges, to chat to their daughter, see their GC etc. I therefore conclude that the majority of the issues here are your H's, and he is odd with a capital O.

As for holiday photos- my husband posts what he likes on the internet, I post what I like. Neither of us comments or controls what the other one does. If he shares photos with his colleagues or family (which he does)- his business. If I choose not to bother (which I tend not to)- my business.

He is not your boss!

nanny. I don't know. I like his parents and get on with them when we see them, but contact is very low between us. They seem happy with this as for example they declined the invitation to dd's party and only live 1 hr away so it was def doable. When we chat about childhood memories he has vey very few. Claims he can't remember who he was friends with and what they did. I've always found this a little odd and wonder if he's suppressing things. I can remember loads of random pointless details from growing up

Please please please Bounty, run for the hills!

My parents and I are very close, we call at least weekly, sometimes even more. We share silly stories about what DS does. We see each other about monthly. They supported us doing BLW, although they may have been helped DS with his food back then. No biggie, because it was only a once a month meal and all other meals (say 3*30, so 90 :-) ), DS could practise.

And you know what, DH is completely ok with all of this! He likes my parents. He knows they will do things differently, but that they love DS and me and him, and only want the best for us. And, occasionaly, he admits that he's very happy I gossip about discuss all the minor things that happen with my family and friends with my mum, instead of him, because he can't be bothered.

TL:DR Most partners wish their partners loving relationships not just with their primary family, but also with their secondary family and with friends!

Annie - sounds normal to me. Congratulations on becoming a granny!

First DGC that should read. Too riled up to type properly.

Thanks :)

Hello

I agree with most of what other posters have said.

The only thing I want to add is that people react differently with other people.

I know for instance how lovely my MIL is to some other people.
These people however are not in what she see's as in competition with her over her beloved son. So they would never ever understand this other side of her that comes out round me lucky me

You may not see it or feel it, but your parents could be making your DH feel a certain way, he picks up on it but you do not.

I urge you to really look at your own actions. I had a situation once where my DBIL thought my DSIS was being heavily influenced by my brother. She really thought she wasn't being but I heard her myself, constantly deferring to him like he was a god. She just could not see it.

I only say this, because your DH is clearly being affected by something. Yes he could be just insanely insecure, maybe he has had problems with girl friends parents in the past, maybe he is all sorts of things....people can react strangly to others for all sorts of hidden things....

Do you feel your parents are happy you married him, have they always been nice to him, are they all on the same level intellectually, do you really think they think he is good enough for you.

I would urge you to go to Relate and stop your church counselling.

Over all I do think from what you have said, there are some rather scary controlling things coming out....I think a Relate counsellor would be better to judge this and winkle things out.

I also wonder, had you said Yes to stopping your parents coming to the party, would he have said - OK, thanks, I will come and you can invite them also....was he just looking for you to put him first?

Good luck with it all.

I am agog at this OP it doesn't sound right. How dare your DH and a "counsellor" (so called) ban you from contact with your own parents? The counsellor sounds extremely questionable and your DH priorities are very odd... I don't think it's healthy for him to want you to cut you off from your family. The spoon thing is a mountain out if a mole hill and the photo secrecy is just weird... You are definitively not being unreasonable here.

I suppose the other issue to consider (one of the other issues) is about your daughter's needs to be part of a community. Obviously there is a thriving social life around particular churches. But babies - and their careers - benefit from playgroups, visits that involve other children, outings, as well as regular contact extended family.

If one partner in the marriage is very suspicious of other people, inclined to find fault with them, and wants to limit the partner's social life - it doesn't bode well for the baby's future health and happiness.

Hi bounty I replied to you on another thread but what you have said about your Dh on here makes me wonder if he could have undiagnosed Aspergers or be on the Autistic spectrum. It is the way he seeks very little social contact and seems to see no point in it. A few other things were that he likes things done in certain ways. He had a bit of a breakdown on the holiday in a different environment. Do you think he shows any other signs of Autistic behaviour, like needing routines, being very sensitive to sounds touch, not understanding social "rules", having difficulty knowing what you are thinking by facial expressions, avoiding eye contact.
I know a bit about this there are some autistic adults in my family. Does any of this sound possible?

The photo thing is bonkers!

This thread is a bit of a horror

Bounty, if I were you I would go and spend a whole weekend at your parents house to get a bit of space and then you might be able to see the situation objectively. He is trying to isolate you entirely. Not letting your parents come and see your DD for 4 weeks when she was born, I just can't imagine that.

Your Mum and Dad must be at their wits end with worry.

I definitely recommend getting your own counsellor to help you find your own boundaries.