Husband vs my parents situation

[bountyicecream]

This is something that happened a year ago but we are currently going through marriage counselling and this keeps been brought up. It is clear that the counsellors opinion is with my husband on this and so I'm really questioning whether I'm right at all.

So 18 months ago my husband had a falling out with my parents. 9 months before this situation happened. It was over a trivial thing as these things so often are. Basically my husband felt that I should have supported him when he objected to something ( minor) that my mum was doing with out dd. She was pre- loading the spoons when dd was eating, h felt that dd should be doing it herself ( we were blw). Anyway I didn't think it warranted the rebuke that my h gave to my mum, and so h stormed off as I was 'siding with her'.

During marriage counselling it has become apparent that h feels I have never supported him and have always allowed my parents to influence me. I dispute this as I feel I am v independent. I actually feel I have a much close relationship than many of my friends do with their parents. We only speak every couple of weeks and see each other monthly. I've never been on for discussing personal things with her.

Anyway the big issue came at dd's 2nd birthday party a year ago. I hired a hall and invited 7 other children and their parents plus both sets of grandparents. H's parents didn't come (predictably although I'd have loved them to be there). H refused to come if my parents were there.

My parents agreed to be polite and friendly but not try to discuss any issues or heal the rift in public.

H refused to come unless I uninvited them.

I didn't uninvite my parents. I felt that the party was about dd, not my husband, and that she would love to have her grandparents there.

I counselling h has gone on about how I excluded him from dd's party. I used to reply that he excluded himself as he was always welcome. If my parents had refused to come if h was there then obviously I would have told them not to come. Bt they didn't. They were willing to be friendly for dd's sake.

So this is being trotted out as an example of where I put my secondary family before my primary family. Normally I would say that dads are more important than grandparents and that primary family does come first.

Should I have backed down over this and uninvited my parents. This was the first time I'd ever stood up to my husband. And now he bangs on about it as the thing that has hurt him most ever in his life.

The counsellor just reinforces that primary family is more important than secondary family, which I do agree with, so WIBU here?

Sorry so long

[bountyicecream]

pax you are right. Thank god for mn. I wouldn't have thought anything was wrong in our marriage without it

[mercibucket]

I knew this would be church based

I am a christian. our church does counselling. it is a terrible idea imo unless you are a couple with no big problems to sort out

you need a qualified counsellor and individual sessions

[bountyicecream]

Thanks slow. I'll look at that

[Morgause]

OP, I'm very concerned for you. Please let us know when you have found a proper counsellor.

[sunbathe]

I would see a different counsellor.

[bountyicecream]

basgetti I had no support. H was working away at the time that dd was born so I moved into his rented house when y maternity leave started. It seemed the natural thing to do rather than live away. Bt I knew no one there at all, although h did introduce me to some of his work colleagues. We have been back home now for a long time. And I'm back at work at my pre baby job

[Anniegetyourgun]

I said they were both behaving as badly as each other over Spoongate because after your H's unnecessarily sarcastic comment your mother came back with the "I'm sorry I can't do anything right", which is the absolute epitome of passive-aggression. But the crying thing? WTF?

I veer between accepting that your H genuinely doesn't understand how "normal" families work, and suspecting strongly that he is doing the isolation thing on purpose. You may never know which it is, but it certainly doesn't sound healthy. I also wonder a little whether your birth family dynamic is amazingly healthy too, but that may be a whole new can of wiggly things.

Agree with other posters, this "counsellor" is not really up to dealing with a relationship where emotional abuse may be present (to be fair, quite a few properly qualified/accredited ones aren't either). His advice sounds... naive.

[bountyicecream]

merci thanks for saying that. I didn't initially say it was church based as I know that some non-Christians are understandably wary of anything church based. It's really interesting that you think church based counselling is so bad

[MrsCakesPremonition]

He seems to have a very peculiar hierarchy for valuing and respecting people's opinions and wishes:

Parents of an adult child (your parents) are very low in the hierarchy - they have no right to have their wishes considered or valued in any way. They are not allowed to challenge the higher levels in any way, which is why your DH reacted so badly to your DMum challenging his authoiry on spoon-feeding.

Adult women (you, your future DD) are somewhere in the middle of the hierarchy - they have the right to impose their wishes on others lower in the hierarchy than themselves, but only so long as they fit with their DH's wishes. Any failure to 'fit' is a flaw in the woman which must be fixed.

Adult men (your DH) are at the top of the hierarchy - they have the right to impose their wishes on everyone without concern for the emotional fall-out that this may cause.

[basgetti]

So if he was working away how did he tell you not to see your parents for 4 weeks? Please don't tell me he dictated who you were allowed to see when he wasn't even there?

[MellowAutumn]

Op - An untrained male counsellor with a Christian bent and an emotionally abusive husband is not a good mix.

[SlowlorisIncognito]

bounty I hope you manage to find a proper counsellor.

The person you are seeing at your church is not really a proper counsellor, and he does not seem to have a firm grasp of the ethical issues involved in counselling, especially marriage counselling. If you do seak marriage counselling, it would be best to do it through a group like www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html with lots of experience in this area.

[LifeHuh]

Wow, absolutely no way would I have a contact agreement with my parents( if they were still here). And I can't imagine a restriction on what I could tell or show them. IMO your relationship with your friends and parents are your business, subject to discussion with your DH but not to that kind of control. Maybe the church should be focussing a bit less on DH and a bit more on "honour your father and mother..."

[bountyicecream]

Thanks Annie. I agree that spoon gate was the tip of an iceberg really. Even h accepts that this was a trivial thing but that with all his other feelings it has been blown up to a Big Thing. I do not think that h comes from a healthy family dynamic. I don't know about me. It feels normal to me, but then it's all I eve knew

[basgetti]

OP please don't think that your own family dynamic is not healthy. You have described perfectly normal interactions with your parents and they sound very caring, and willing to compromise to make things easier for you. Don't start doubting your relationship with them, you need them more than ever.

[Hassled]

The 10 day thing is madness. The whole thing is madness. Your H's skewed idea of what family can/should be like is one thing, but to then impose it on you is really very, very nasty.

Everything you've said points to you or your mother apologising or compromising - does he ever compromise on anything?

I don't think you should go back to this non-trained bollocks counsellor. Find someone who can see through the shite.

[NonnoMum]

Have only skim-read the thread but my first thoughts on reading the OP was "I bet her OP is a (n evangelical) Christian type of man-child...

And now have got to this point to find out you are having church-based counselling.

He needs to grow the fuck up.

[Hassled]

And is he always such a drama queen? Sobbing alone in a room over a BLW debate and then refusing to talk to anyone? Is he generally really immature?

[bountyicecream]

basgetti at that time we were 4 hours away from my parents so they couldn't jus pop over. They would have stayed in a hotel. I can't remember suggesting that. Bt I know that h found it ludicrous that they wanted to see dd newborn. I really had to stand up for myself to get him to invite them for one night to meet her. H's own parents didn't meet dd until she was 8 w old

maryz I've one truly great friend at work. I've not told anyone. Most of our friends are probably 'my' friends but I've not told them as I think if we do sort ourselves out it will be hard on them to carry on normal with h knowing what they would

[bountyicecream]

It was the first time I'd seen him cry. After 8 years of marriage at that point. He is a sulker rather than dramatic usually

[Ahole]

A church member pretending to be a counsellor is going to have his own agenda. My guess? To get you to obey your husband and do what it takes to make him happy, keep the peace and save the marriage. Whatever that takes, even cutting off your parents!

Wasn't there a woman on here who was told to put up with her husband raping her for the sake of their marriage by a church "counsellor"!

Your husband is trying to cut you off from your family and is possessive and controlling. Getting so upset about the spoon thing was just ridiculous!

When he does attend things (your child's first birthday) he sulks and ruins it for everyone and creates an atmosphere. You know why they do that? Its so that you'll be a bit more reluctant to throw another party and so isolate you more.

Why did he act like such a dick about the spoon and sulk like a cunt for the rest of the week? So that you would an less likely to arrange things with your parents again and so isolate you more.

The rule HE set about when YOU could see your parents after the birth of your child? So that he could isolate you!

You see what's happening here?

[NonnoMum]

Yes - he sounds an arse.

Hope you can find some peace soon.