Husband vs my parents situation

[bountyicecream]

This is something that happened a year ago but we are currently going through marriage counselling and this keeps been brought up. It is clear that the counsellors opinion is with my husband on this and so I'm really questioning whether I'm right at all.

So 18 months ago my husband had a falling out with my parents. 9 months before this situation happened. It was over a trivial thing as these things so often are. Basically my husband felt that I should have supported him when he objected to something ( minor) that my mum was doing with out dd. She was pre- loading the spoons when dd was eating, h felt that dd should be doing it herself ( we were blw). Anyway I didn't think it warranted the rebuke that my h gave to my mum, and so h stormed off as I was 'siding with her'.

During marriage counselling it has become apparent that h feels I have never supported him and have always allowed my parents to influence me. I dispute this as I feel I am v independent. I actually feel I have a much close relationship than many of my friends do with their parents. We only speak every couple of weeks and see each other monthly. I've never been on for discussing personal things with her.

Anyway the big issue came at dd's 2nd birthday party a year ago. I hired a hall and invited 7 other children and their parents plus both sets of grandparents. H's parents didn't come (predictably although I'd have loved them to be there). H refused to come if my parents were there.

My parents agreed to be polite and friendly but not try to discuss any issues or heal the rift in public.

H refused to come unless I uninvited them.

I didn't uninvite my parents. I felt that the party was about dd, not my husband, and that she would love to have her grandparents there.

I counselling h has gone on about how I excluded him from dd's party. I used to reply that he excluded himself as he was always welcome. If my parents had refused to come if h was there then obviously I would have told them not to come. Bt they didn't. They were willing to be friendly for dd's sake.

So this is being trotted out as an example of where I put my secondary family before my primary family. Normally I would say that dads are more important than grandparents and that primary family does come first.

Should I have backed down over this and uninvited my parents. This was the first time I'd ever stood up to my husband. And now he bangs on about it as the thing that has hurt him most ever in his life.

The counsellor just reinforces that primary family is more important than secondary family, which I do agree with, so WIBU here?

Sorry so long

No sorry I read the first couple, didnt realise there was 19!

Well I am just delurking after reading this absolutely hair raising thread to say that I also dont like the sound of your current counsellor, and i agree that you should lose him pronto. But i also want to add that not all accredited counsellors are brilliant, insightful or right. But anyway I actually don't think you need any kind of counsellor. You seem to have excellent instincts, a loving family background, and insight into yourself and others. A solicitor is definitely the way to go.

I really really hope you are able to make a plan and put it into action soon, and start reliving life with all the normal family support around you.

Good luck.

I just read all your posts op he sounds like a nightmare!!

All the best with separating from him, it sounds like it will be hell.

Was he always like this or did he gradually get worse and worse over the years?

This thread is shocking.
I hope you are able to leave him soon.
Good luck

Btw I agree with getting on with divorcing ASAP. You are the primary carer, his job is historically self employed relyin on him taking contracts. It does not seem strange for him to stop work for a couple of months temporarily. More than a few months and then I think it would be less clear. So keep dd in nursery and sort out the divorce now.

To be honest, I think you need to take control of the next counselling session (if you attend another one) to say that:

1. You will only attend a trained, accredited counselling in the future;
2. You will not tolerate being told to whom you may speak, for how long and on what subject;
3. Emotionally abusive behaviour will stop as of that moment;
4. Failure to comply will result in dissolution of the marriage.

It's only fair.

Just to add my dp is similarly employed and often has a couple of months off work. This is one of the benefits of his job. (He also works away a lot so I think the fact that he can take long breaks is one reason to keep working like this.)

I agree about putting your primary family first. I will always support my dp

There's a huge difference between supporting your DH and being systematically isolated, controlled and cut off from wider family and friends.

Just wishing you the courage strength hope and love, OP.

Thanks everyone. I am lucky in that I have friends and family who will help me and a job that is well paid enough to go it alone.

I have emailed women's aid but should manage to phone them in the next couple of days.

Whoever asked if it has always been like this, the answer is no. It seemed to happen after dd was born. However I suspect he was always controlling to a degree before then, but as I'm a naturally laid back and patient person I didn't particularly notice it. It has only been since dd was born that I've been more bothered about doing some things my way. For example before we had dd I really didn't mind what time we had tea as it just didn't seem important so if he was bothered I was happy to go along with how he felt. Since dd was born it does matter as I want us to eat at a decent time for bedtime etc. so lots of little things kind of gradually built up. Definitely the contact with my parents, although again it's probably mattered a bit more to me since dd arrived as I want dd to have an active relationship with (both sets) of grandparents.

I think that generally I do agree with putting primary family first as a guiding rule. But that that isn't possible with a man like my h who is unwilling to compromise and wants his primary family pretty much excluded from the wider family. I do think that couples should discuss decisions between themselves before talking to wider family and not moan about their partners to the wider family, but my husband seems to want very little even trivial light hearted involvement with our wider family.

You sound very clear headed.

I agree that we all put our primary family first. It's only natural. But secondary family (actually hate that term -much prefer extended family) are important too. I remember talking to my sister once and she said her DH knew that they would both love their child but he was surprised how much we all (my parents and other sisters) loved him too. He had an odd relationship with his parents so was surprised. I now have 9 nieces and nephews and love them all. And it's obv good for children to have lots of people in their lives who love them.

Only thing I wondered OP - you say that if you phone your dparents more frequently than once every 10 days, he'd say that you'd 'undone all the good work you've been doing on your relationship'.
I just wondered how you know how much 'good work' has been done on your relationship? Is there a chart? Gold star stickers perhaps, that get removed if you 'infringe' his demands? How will you know when your relationship is sufficiently 'worked on' that you can phone your parents/go out on your own/do what you want ??

Is it possible that only he knows what stage you are at in the 'wrok on your relationship'??

For those who say you should put your primary family first- is not the OP her husband's primary family?

And do we see any signs that he is putting her needs first? Any at all?

In this case, "putting our relationship first" seems to be code for "you have to do what I want and not have ideas of your own".

When you begin to look at your whole relationship you will probably find lots of examples of controlling behaviour.

The thing about not liking you doing meal planning for example. He wants to not be tied to a plan, so he can make you run around in circles making whatever he plucks out of the air on the night. Most grown ups understand that meal planning is a normal thing to do to save money and make life easier for the cook.

It is very common for abuse to begin in pregnancy or after having a first child.

I am very glad you are taking steps to get help, OP. Your H's behaviour is not normal at all and is chilling to read. Any counsellor who would endorse this kind of treatment of one spouse by another is NOT a proper counsellor (the church affiliation is irrelevant IMO). You could get Relate counselling on your own (they do see individuals and not just couples). You really, really need support.

Some of the things in your posts that I find particularly upsetting:

• he won't let you send holiday photos to your close family (WTF?)
• after a very minor clash of opinion with your mum he retires to the bedroom CRYING (what, is he a toddler?) and subsequently insists on cutting off all contact with your family
• he has no friends himself
• he monitors and micromanages your contact with your family and devises this ridiculous arrangement whereby you are only "allowed" to contact them once every 10 days (because he is so insecure about his relationship with you that it would somehow jeopardise that relationship if you talked to your own mum and dad whenever you felt like it?)
• he has generously "agreed" to let your DD see her grandparents once a month, provided that he is present
• he is pressuring you to go back to work FT instead of PT regardless of your own desires
• but he is not working at all; he is staying at home FT to monitor you! You can never leave the house without him knowing where you are going and why
• he plans to start his own business but won't tell you what this business plan is (your fault because you're not understanding enough!)
• he didn't want your parents to meet your newborn
• he wants you both to adopt another, older child because that is easier than having another biological child (WTF again?!)
• he thinks you're "molly-coddling" your DD although she is only nursery age
• he threatens you by saying he would fight for full custody of your DD if you split up (this is not the kind of statement that a parent who has the best interests of their DC in mind would make)
• and oh yeah, he has repeatedly called you "fat" and monitors the portion sizes of what you eat.

I am and for you and fervently hope you get the support you need. For starters, please don't ever go back to that counsellor again.

I know I said earlier that I wasn't going to pick out all the individual instances of over controlling and to be honest, they all bother me.
I keep thinking about your situation OP, it's so sad and worrying, the only consolation is that you do sound as though you can and will sort it out.

I'm just going to comment on the sharing of family/holiday photographs being forbidden and the grounds given for that being that as the GPs weren't on the holiday the photos are of no interest to them.
I'd suggest that their not being there is the very reason why the photos would be of interest to them, to see their GC and parents enjoying themselves and having a good time.
I can understand objections to say posting the photos up online in such as Face Book, but his reasoning is so flawed IMO, as it is in all the other examples given of his behaviour.

My heart goes out to you.
Could you use work to store information, documents, a few spare clothes, an emergency/ just in case bag.
Make sure your financial details are up to date, change your pin/passwords to something entirely fresh.
Delete browsing history, log out, etc

The weather is turning nasty so it's very sensible to keep your car packed with spare 'stuff' for you and your daughter.

Would you consider meeting your mum for quietly for lunch to tell her what's really going on and have the security of then knowing they are there whatever happens.

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. Best wishes

Just to add about wider family, they may not be as 'important' as your immediate family, but most people expect to help their parents when they get older (financially, legally, with healthcare), and this involves spending both time and money.

Somebody who argues over minimal phone contact with IL's really isn't a good prospect for the future. Life is sometimes difficult, messy, painful and hard. Never mind 'primary family'. The people you need on your team are the ones who will support you for the long haul.

merrymouse overwhelmingly I fail to see any words or thoughts that convey any kindness from the OP's DH, which is very sad for everyone concerned (even including him)

Isn't the saying "the more you give love, the more love you have to give"? Bounty, you clearly have more than enough to go round.

It looks increasingly as if your h has none.

Just a quick update.

I met my parents at lunchtime from work. Behind my h's back. It turns out that for a long time they have had concerns about my h but felt it wasn't their place to bring it up. In addition my (even more) extended family - uncles and aunts- have expressed concern about me to them, based on very infrequent meetings of my h.

Needless to say, they have offered me all the emotional, practical and financial support that I need which is lovely to hear.

I'm hoping to see a sol early next week and then go from there.

I had a conversation with my husband today, initiated by him when he told me how unhappy he is, how he can't but his life on hold and he needs to know how we're going to get back to being a normal couple.

I replied that it is not easy knowing he thinks I'm fat etc and that will take time to resolve. He said that he does not find me personality or body attractive any more and that if he met me now wed have never dated. Apparently I've become cold and hard and he doesn't know me any more. He then asked if I was willing to work on my appearance as he thinks I eat too much and exercise too little. I said I was comfortable with how I look so will continue to eat as I am and exercise at an enjoyable level (2-3 runs per week). He replied thank you for being honest and that he needs to think about that.

But I do feel a bit better. That there is a glimmer of light for me somewhere. Thanks you every one x

Bounty what a horrid thing for him to say. I think he enjoys hurting your feelings. How can you go back to being a normal couple, it sounds like he doesn't want too, and then says your cold and calls you fat again! what does he expect.

it sounds like he is being deliberately vindictive and nasty, how can you relax when he says he wouldn't marry you now.

thank goodness you seem mature and steady enough to be able to put his comments into the mental bin perspective.

you poor thing. so glad your parents are being supportive.

Well, you know, with a bit of luck he might just feck off himself if you are so unattractive, undesirable, stupid, feckless and extravagant

I'm glad you talked to your parents. I'm sure they have told you that you are none of those things.

The thing is, his picture of how a 'normal' couple should behave isn't normal.

So glad to hear that you have supportive family.