Husband vs my parents situation

[bountyicecream]

This is something that happened a year ago but we are currently going through marriage counselling and this keeps been brought up. It is clear that the counsellors opinion is with my husband on this and so I'm really questioning whether I'm right at all.

So 18 months ago my husband had a falling out with my parents. 9 months before this situation happened. It was over a trivial thing as these things so often are. Basically my husband felt that I should have supported him when he objected to something ( minor) that my mum was doing with out dd. She was pre- loading the spoons when dd was eating, h felt that dd should be doing it herself ( we were blw). Anyway I didn't think it warranted the rebuke that my h gave to my mum, and so h stormed off as I was 'siding with her'.

During marriage counselling it has become apparent that h feels I have never supported him and have always allowed my parents to influence me. I dispute this as I feel I am v independent. I actually feel I have a much close relationship than many of my friends do with their parents. We only speak every couple of weeks and see each other monthly. I've never been on for discussing personal things with her.

Anyway the big issue came at dd's 2nd birthday party a year ago. I hired a hall and invited 7 other children and their parents plus both sets of grandparents. H's parents didn't come (predictably although I'd have loved them to be there). H refused to come if my parents were there.

My parents agreed to be polite and friendly but not try to discuss any issues or heal the rift in public.

H refused to come unless I uninvited them.

I didn't uninvite my parents. I felt that the party was about dd, not my husband, and that she would love to have her grandparents there.

I counselling h has gone on about how I excluded him from dd's party. I used to reply that he excluded himself as he was always welcome. If my parents had refused to come if h was there then obviously I would have told them not to come. Bt they didn't. They were willing to be friendly for dd's sake.

So this is being trotted out as an example of where I put my secondary family before my primary family. Normally I would say that dads are more important than grandparents and that primary family does come first.

Should I have backed down over this and uninvited my parents. This was the first time I'd ever stood up to my husband. And now he bangs on about it as the thing that has hurt him most ever in his life.

The counsellor just reinforces that primary family is more important than secondary family, which I do agree with, so WIBU here?

Sorry so long

I haven't read all the thread but the bits I have read have left me open-mouthed. I've met six year olds with more emotional maturity than your DH. I think "emotionally controlling abusive twat" is too kind.

Also, you are being gaslighted by both your DH and your counsellor. I would get rid of both, pronto.

we have a baptist church in our village, the crap they come out with makes your hair curl. I was told by one mother that my children would go straight to hell as they hadn't been baptised. nutty as squirrel poo.

op I think you are very calm about this and can I say a bit too calm. I sense danger here from this controlling bastard and I hope you get yourself and your dd out if this situation at once.

get legal advice and take care of yourself.

we have a baptist church in our village, the crap they come out with makes your hair curl.

No church believes they are fringe nutters. They all believe that they are the mainstream, and everyone else is wrong. So, for example, the organisation "Anglican Mainstream" are a bunch of homophobic lunatics who can't muster more than twenty people at a time for a conference to discuss hating homosexuals, which is pretty much their raison d'etre. But because they call themselves "mainstream" they get disproportionate media attention, even though their active membership could probably fit in a small classroom.

Don't be too sure that you will not be deemed the primary carer- you do 4 days a week (two weekdays and weekends) and your husband does, if I've read it correctly, no sole care days anyway as your dd is in nursery.

Get legal advice immediately on this though so you know what you need to do to prevent him being seen as the primary carer.

Also- the longer you leave the situation, the more your husband will become entrenched as the stay at home parent. He has only been at home for 2 months- I would get advice immediately as this could plausibly be viewed as a break between work rather than a long-term caring plan.

And- as he doesn't have your dd on any day in sole care, I think you are on stronger ground than you think, plus there is usually a bias, in all honesty, towards the woman being the main carer.

But get immediate advice so you can plan more effectively, don't let fear of finding out bad news stop you, if anything you may better off acting quickly than leaving the new status quo to establish.

And perhaps post in legal, they may be able to help or at least orient you until you see a solicitor.

Please call a solicitor. He may be at home all the time but he isn't parenting your DD other than to puck her up from nursery.

If concerns over custody are the only issue (you have supportive parents and friends, money and a job) then talk to a solicitor.

Then get the hell out and don't look back.

And in the meantime if you phone your parents more frequently than 10 days and he sulks then so what.

I hope you can appreciate that whilst its clear cut for you, for me living here it is not.

You know what you've got to do, but I would hope that everyone recognizes that the doing takes planning. It's not like you can walk out of the door, DD under one arm, all your worldly belongings under the other. Not for long, at least.

Is there any particular advice or support that'd help you work out what stages or direction to take next?

Another one wishing you luck as you try to sort things out. You sound strong and I hope that you can channel that strength to help you get out of the relationship.

Thanks kerosene yes that is it. Like others say I need to plan and work out the next step.

everyone I know that you all think this church is 'crazy', 'fundamental' and 'nutters'. It doesn't really matter as its not the crux of the matter here but it really is a normal church. It is big. 3-400 people per service. Thriving kids clubs. Loads of in the community activites that are not poorly disguised bible bashing activities but people quietly living out their faith through practical means, not trying to convert anyone. I'm talking about city centre soup runs for homeless people, a second hand furniture delivery service, pensioners week day lunches. Anyone that uses these services other than knowing they are provided by church members, are not exposed or forced into Christianity. Yes they also do outreach things to - alpha courses and the like, but these are openly Christian and anyone attending these will know that they are going to find out more about Christianity but still will not have it forced upon them.

I feel bad for the church here as everyone seems to be assuming that they are a bunch of nutters with a hidden agenda but really they are not. After all we approached them to see if they would help. I agree that the 'counsellor' appears to be out of his depth, but I do not feel any pressure that we must stay together at all costs. I think the counsellor is assuming that we want to stay together so trying to negotiate a way, but I presume that no counsellor would listen to both our stories and say Mr Bounty you are clearly abusive, and Mrs Bounty you should leave. I feel that if I said to the counsellor I want to leave that he would be supportive of me and not try to persuade me otherwise.

ANyway I am working on the practical things and will keep you up dated as and when

op , i get completely what you are saying about your church. i am a a Christian and have been in a similar situation to you, see my posts if yet like. my dh is tricky and has been EA but he wouldn't see it as such. i don't have the family contact problem that you have but just other concerns in my relationship so our husbands sound quite similar.

we had counselling too. she was a Christian but also a fully accredited counsellor . so had sound advice but with a Christian perspective. maybe you could do this too if that would be helpful?

good luck

I get the church side of it. my church sounds similar. I like my church. the counselling we offer is good I think for couples whose relationship is maybe a bit stale but overall good. the counsellors mean well and are kind and try to help

it just isn't proper counselling if there is a big issue

tbh I think individual counselling would be best for you and with a trained counsellor

It takes a long time 4years plus to train as a counsellor and churches should only offer pastoral listening if they don't have a counsellor. Hope they don't offer 'electricians' or 'doctors' if they are not qualified!!!

As far as I can tell (from mn) counsellors are not supposed to do joint counselling where one or other party is abusive. If they do then the abuser gets ammunition and validation. Separate counselling is theway fforward

maryz have spoken with my friend. She agrees with all of you. Also my parents are willing to help me in anyway they can. Whether I stay or go.

Next step is find an (individual) counsellor and also a sol.

Another one wishing you luck. It sounds no way to live; isolated and belittled. Your DH is a piece of work no question.

Keep going, bounty. I am glad you have your friend and your parents onside.

I hope you can find a proper counsellor and a solicitor quickly. Then you will know where you stand and can act after that.

The first time I met one of my cousins was when we were in our forties. She and her father had been removed from our family by her controlling mother.My parents told of continual excuses as to why meetings could not be arranged , phone calls never answered ,all invitations turned down and always, always, offence taken over trivial issues so that the lack of contact could be' justified'.Within days of the controllers death her husband was back in touch with his family. Too late for his parents and some of his siblings. The control had also included my cousin. She had never left home ,never married and worked from home. This thread is frightening. Don't let this happen to you and your daughter. You seem to have some good plans. I hope all goes well for you.

That's a good point, Tinpin, about the offence being taken so as to justify withdrawal.

I have witnessed this with people: seize on an opportunity to be offended and - voila! - perfect excuse not to have to see them. It's not just with jealous people, either. My mother was seriously sociophobic and if she could manufacture some sort of snub/rudeness received, then that was her perfect get-out from a family gathering. She would never have admitted to feeling uncomfortable in social situations. The result is that it has taken me to this age (old) to realise that not everyone is out to be horrible and if someone puts their foot in it, well, they probably didn't mean to and let it go. My mother unwittingly taught us to be alert for offence from every quarter.

bounty
Do remember to clear your history. Use an incognito browsing window if you have that option and check what's visible before you log off.

As I read through this thread you have given more and more examples of situations and behaviour that I wouldn't tolerate from anyone. That's fine if you were happy, because we can't all think the same.
I could give specific examples, but I don't think I need to as I actually think you find this situation intolerable too.

It seems to me that you are so concerned to be reasonable and to be seen to be fair to your DH, that you have lost sight of what's reasonable for you and your DD (and your wider family) and what's reasonable in a relationship.
Ever heard the saying about bending over so far backwards (to accommodate) that you end up hitting your own head?

From what I see it's going to be very hard for anyone to mediate or counsel because your DH doesn't understand what a healthy relationship involves.
I wonder what he thinks he's doing (during his time out of earning a living) to 'work on' your relationship? and that's without his 'What's mine is mine and what's yours is ours' attitude.

In my personal opinion your DH has taken the role of Big Brother with his rules - and everyone knows that number one rule is that Big Brother has total control of the rules, which are subject to change at any time.

I would suggest that it's not you who needs individual counselling, rather him, who would benefit from counselling and probably therapy too. If the love is still there you might want to support him through this. You might want to do that from a distance, but he might not want to take that route and indeed might not want support from you if you were at a distance.

I wish you nothing but good luck and a healthy resolution to all the concerns. Just please do keep confidence that YADNBU and get proper qualified and independent advice to make sure life improves for you and DD.

It's not the church that people have the issue with its the unqualified councillor who is most likely making this situation worse.
I'm a Christian so I can understand how hurtful the comments about your church are but even I would be concerned about this man giving you advice he isn't qualified t po give, and yes he will be biased along the lines of keeping you both married.

It's smart not to make any sudden moves until you have spoken to a solicitor. I do not think his claim as primary carer would be as strong as you think, he's only been at home since August and your DD isn't being cared for by him during that time.

Well done bounty, am really pleased you are getting help. Am also so glad you have told your parents and they are going to help you. Once safely on the other side you will look back and be so happy. Xx

Lovely to hear you taking charge of your life, Bounty. Well done.

bounty I have just seen this thread and am .

I am a Christian and I don't think you should be seeing this church counsellor either. It's not about what denomination he is from. If he hasn't been trained properly, he won't understand or be able to recognise emotional abuse within a relationship. A trained, accredited counsellor would have stopped counselling you and your husband together as soon as they realised your relationship is abusive. This is because in abusive relationships, the abusive partner will use joint counselling as a further means of controlling or emotionally punishing their partner. As has happened to you. Your husband has manipulated your counsellor into backing up this ludicrous 'contact plan' which is alienating you from your parents with no good reason.

Most people don't understand that emotional abuse can be every bit as bad as physical abuse in a relationship. I doubt your counsellor would be encouraging you to stay together and compromise and agree to a plan that satisfies your DH if your husband was beating you and preventing you from leaving the house, would he? Well that is the equivalent of what he is doing.

Please contact Women's Aid, from work if you have to. Take an afternoon off and see a solicitor.

I think your parents are probably desperately worried about you and your relationship, but are probably not saying anything for fear of losing you completely.

Hmm I think you were wrong about the blw. And if you sided with your parents over this incident are you sure there haven't been many others that you didn't notice (but your dh did)? Is this why he is so sensitive about it?

I agree about putting your primary family first. I will always support my dp (although fortunately he does make it easy to support him, if he was an unreasonable then it would be a different scenario altogether).

He was wrong about the party though. And very unfair. And manipulative.

I have no idea how you resolve this, but I think you were right to invite dds gp to her party. That had nothing to do with him. It wasn't his party.