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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband vs my parents situation

570 replies

bountyicecream · 17/11/2013 17:12

This is something that happened a year ago but we are currently going through marriage counselling and this keeps been brought up. It is clear that the counsellors opinion is with my husband on this and so I'm really questioning whether I'm right at all.

So 18 months ago my husband had a falling out with my parents. 9 months before this situation happened. It was over a trivial thing as these things so often are. Basically my husband felt that I should have supported him when he objected to something ( minor) that my mum was doing with out dd. She was pre- loading the spoons when dd was eating, h felt that dd should be doing it herself ( we were blw). Anyway I didn't think it warranted the rebuke that my h gave to my mum, and so h stormed off as I was 'siding with her'.

During marriage counselling it has become apparent that h feels I have never supported him and have always allowed my parents to influence me. I dispute this as I feel I am v independent. I actually feel I have a much close relationship than many of my friends do with their parents. We only speak every couple of weeks and see each other monthly. I've never been on for discussing personal things with her.

Anyway the big issue came at dd's 2nd birthday party a year ago. I hired a hall and invited 7 other children and their parents plus both sets of grandparents. H's parents didn't come (predictably although I'd have loved them to be there). H refused to come if my parents were there.

My parents agreed to be polite and friendly but not try to discuss any issues or heal the rift in public.

H refused to come unless I uninvited them.

I didn't uninvite my parents. I felt that the party was about dd, not my husband, and that she would love to have her grandparents there.

I counselling h has gone on about how I excluded him from dd's party. I used to reply that he excluded himself as he was always welcome. If my parents had refused to come if h was there then obviously I would have told them not to come. Bt they didn't. They were willing to be friendly for dd's sake.

So this is being trotted out as an example of where I put my secondary family before my primary family. Normally I would say that dads are more important than grandparents and that primary family does come first.

Should I have backed down over this and uninvited my parents. This was the first time I'd ever stood up to my husband. And now he bangs on about it as the thing that has hurt him most ever in his life.

The counsellor just reinforces that primary family is more important than secondary family, which I do agree with, so WIBU here?

Sorry so long

OP posts:
Original poster
bountyicecream · 17/11/2013 22:16

to be honest mrscakes I love the PT work-life balance so much. I worked FT for a year after maternity leave ended and felt that I saw so little of DD. Spending a couple of extra days with her whilst she is still preschool is amazing. Just the best thing. But it has also crossed my mind that I can't risk him being the full time primary carer :(

OP posts:
UptheChimney · 17/11/2013 22:16

Your OH needs therapy, clearly. But not from a fundamentalist Christian organisation.

{dons amateur psychologist hat}

Actually, he sounds as though he's having a breakdown, and has deep-seated issues about control and sharing. You didn't "take his side" over your DD's birthday party, and now he cries a lot and controls your normal behaviour so as to keep him "happy" .

Oh this thread is possibly one of the most disturbing I have read on MN (the one about the woman whose husband forced/tricked her into having a 3rd child was maybe worse)

Dressingdown1 · 17/11/2013 22:16

OP you mention that DH really seemed to hate the baby stage. How is he with DD now? He sounds very controlling with you and I am wondering if he is the same with DD. I assume he looks after her while you are at work. Are you happy with that?

basgetti · 17/11/2013 22:16

Bounty have you broached the suggestion of you seeing your parents without him there? If so, how did he react to it? And what sorts of nasty things did he say to you? I also think he is positioning himself to be your DD's main carer.

wundawoman · 17/11/2013 22:18

He is trying to isolate and control you.

If you play along with his game your mental health will suffer. You need to tell him to behave like an adult and treat his family and extended family with respect. You should be able to see your family and friends without feeling guilty and he needs to accept that. He is being ridiculous...

GobbolinoCat · 17/11/2013 22:20

mumsy

good for you, and your situation, there are plenty of posters on these boards who deal with very interfering and damaging in laws who have to be held at arms length due to all sorts of damaging interference to a marriage and indeed their own child. So many times posters have said the DH is always depressed or miserable after meeting with the parents, and they are back to step one after and they are left to pick up pieces. That the DH needs emotional distance from the dp's to get clarity.

MrsC you have a point there re primary care.

zatyaballerina · 17/11/2013 22:23

Crying because your mother put food on a spoon is not normal, that's someone who has no sense of proportion or control over his emotions. He sounds very unreasonable (due to serious mental health issues by the sounds of it) and controlling. He needs help for whatever mental illness is causing him to behave this way. If he's not prepared to fix that, then you need to leave him. Indulging his crazy won't help him get better (assuming he was ever well in the first place), it'll help him isolate you while he becomes even more controlling, abusive and insane.

Sitting at home staring at four walls isn't doing him any good, he needs to get out of the house, get a job and proper psychiatric help from a medical professional. If he won't even accept that he is the problem, then everything's going to get worse and you'd be better off escaping him now.

GobbolinoCat · 17/11/2013 22:23

Is the Baptised fundamentalist christians? are you bapstist op, is he?

basgetti · 17/11/2013 22:24

Also bounty you say that you have had to persuade him to let you work PT, but he just decided to quit his job. Did you get any say in that, given that it effects your life and your joint finances?

Original poster
bountyicecream · 17/11/2013 22:24

DD goes to nursery on the 3 days that I'm at work, as we felt that it was important for her to contiue with this and for the social interaction side too. I drop her off on the way to work, and H collects her as I work long days (7.30ish each night).

Yes he hated the baby stage. Now he clearly loves her. Thinks shes the best thing ever. He is very big on her being 'independent' and tells me I help her too much with things like getting dressed and putting shoes on. Sometimes he accuses me of molly-coddling her and trying to keep her dependent on me ("like my parents have done with me"

OP posts:
Maryz · 17/11/2013 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nanny0gg · 17/11/2013 22:27

It just gets worse and worse, doesn't it?

Please re-read what you have written, Bounty.

This is not normal. Really, it isn't.

Mumsyblouse · 17/11/2013 22:28

Can you afford for him to quit work?

He sounds ultra-critical, and now you have called him on the criticism, has found a new outlet for his control.

I'm sorry Op, I sense you desperately want him to be different and for this to work. But I think the situation is what it is.

Nanny0gg · 17/11/2013 22:28

And Bounty, I am probably a similar age to your parents. If I was your mother I'd be worried out of my mind about you and your DD.

Original poster
bountyicecream · 17/11/2013 22:29

gobbolino I don't think baptists are fundamental. We are just normal Christians I think. We go to a different church now (evangelical) but approached the baptist church as that was who married us and we are fringe members of the current church.

basgetti well he thinks I should work FT. He would say that we made the joint decision for him to quit work but I felt pressured into agreeing it. When I said that actually it makes no sense to stop working (as he admits that he'd rather work than be at home which he doesnt find particularly stimulating) I was accused of not actually wanting to try to put our family first. Unfortunately he seems to think there is zero chance of finding suitable work close to home so he can return to the family home each night

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 17/11/2013 22:29

Is he claiming JSA? Obviously he wouldn't have been able to claim initially after voluntarily giving up his job but if/when he does I don't imagine he'll be left alone and not put under any pressure to seek work.

I would agree that he's encouraging you to go FT seemingly to position himself as primary carer.

Backinthering · 17/11/2013 22:30

Leave him.

Kundry · 17/11/2013 22:32

OK, I'll say it. He knows that ultimately you will leave. He has not given up work to work on his marriage, he has given up work to ensure he gets custody of your child by being her primary carer.

I think this is behind his push for you to go FT - he has absolutely no intention of ever finding a job but this way you are stuck with him and he keeps all the control.

I hope I'm wrong.

Original poster
bountyicecream · 17/11/2013 22:32

mumsy well my PT hours are probably nearer 70% so my salary covers all of the bills and mortgage but no room for luxuries. We have extensive savings but H is not happy using these. My view is that its OK if we need to as in 2 years when DD starts school I'll happily return to almost FT ( I would want to finish slghtly early on the 2 extra days so I can collect from school). H's view is that he has worked very hard to get the savings and he is not happy to use them up. So now if I buy something he considers extravangant or want to go out for dinner with friends I;m accused of going over budget.

OP posts:
basgetti · 17/11/2013 22:34

It does get worse, he has no right to say those vile things to you, or to tell you that you can't even skype your parents without his supervision. I really hope that you can get some real life support, you need to leave him.

Original poster
bountyicecream · 17/11/2013 22:35

He wants to set up his own business. That is his plan to be working on whilst DD is at nursery. But atm he's done nothing. And he wont tell me what the ideas are yet as apparantly we are not strong enough for him to feel comfortable sharing.

OP posts:
Maryz · 17/11/2013 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tinypumpkin · 17/11/2013 22:35

I also think that you need to find another counsellor. As another poster has said, one that is independent from the church and registered wit the BACP. I work in psychology and some of what you have posted is concerning.

It's hard to comment about your DH but there are many alarm bells ringing. I truly hope that you can get some good professional and inpartial support.

ilovesooty · 17/11/2013 22:36

It's not often I join the LTB contingent but I wouldn't go to one more counselling session with this man or see any point in trying to work on a marriage to an abuser.

Nanny0gg · 17/11/2013 22:37

So, Bounty. If you've read all the posts on this thread you will see how the absolute majority are telling you that you have a real problem with your husband.

You may want to ask MNHQ to move this to Relationships anyway.

But - if you have read all the posts, have you come to any decision about what you are going to do?

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