Husband vs my parents situation

[bountyicecream]

This is something that happened a year ago but we are currently going through marriage counselling and this keeps been brought up. It is clear that the counsellors opinion is with my husband on this and so I'm really questioning whether I'm right at all.

So 18 months ago my husband had a falling out with my parents. 9 months before this situation happened. It was over a trivial thing as these things so often are. Basically my husband felt that I should have supported him when he objected to something ( minor) that my mum was doing with out dd. She was pre- loading the spoons when dd was eating, h felt that dd should be doing it herself ( we were blw). Anyway I didn't think it warranted the rebuke that my h gave to my mum, and so h stormed off as I was 'siding with her'.

During marriage counselling it has become apparent that h feels I have never supported him and have always allowed my parents to influence me. I dispute this as I feel I am v independent. I actually feel I have a much close relationship than many of my friends do with their parents. We only speak every couple of weeks and see each other monthly. I've never been on for discussing personal things with her.

Anyway the big issue came at dd's 2nd birthday party a year ago. I hired a hall and invited 7 other children and their parents plus both sets of grandparents. H's parents didn't come (predictably although I'd have loved them to be there). H refused to come if my parents were there.

My parents agreed to be polite and friendly but not try to discuss any issues or heal the rift in public.

H refused to come unless I uninvited them.

I didn't uninvite my parents. I felt that the party was about dd, not my husband, and that she would love to have her grandparents there.

I counselling h has gone on about how I excluded him from dd's party. I used to reply that he excluded himself as he was always welcome. If my parents had refused to come if h was there then obviously I would have told them not to come. Bt they didn't. They were willing to be friendly for dd's sake.

So this is being trotted out as an example of where I put my secondary family before my primary family. Normally I would say that dads are more important than grandparents and that primary family does come first.

Should I have backed down over this and uninvited my parents. This was the first time I'd ever stood up to my husband. And now he bangs on about it as the thing that has hurt him most ever in his life.

The counsellor just reinforces that primary family is more important than secondary family, which I do agree with, so WIBU here?

Sorry so long

I also had an inkling that this would be Church based counciling.

A very similar scenario happened with a family member of mine. It did not end well.

Good luck op.

Sounds v.controlling to me. My parents did not wait to be invited to see our children when they were born; they were in the car the moment they heard the news and were off up the motorway to see the baby! We couldn't have stopped them coming even if we wanted to - and why would you not want to share your newborn baby with your family?! It's bizarre that his parents didn't bother coming for 8 wks, IMO. My DH's parents didn't come to see our eldest for 10 days (because they were having their kitchen fitted ) and everyone thought that was slightly weird.

And I'm another one who thinks that telling people that you're going on holiday, or sharing some photos of your children, is a NORMAL thing to do - why is everything such a secret? People like to share good news - we're human. IMO your husband needs individual counselling - I wouldn't be surprised if he'd been abused as a child...

So he's given up work so he can be at home checking up on you and goes over what you will be talking to your parents about on your occasionally allowed phone calls.

'and a check of what I'm going to talk to them about.'

That is so wrong on so many levels.

If op does not want to give things a chance then there is no point getting another counsellor or doing anything else except pack her bags.

But the one they've been seeing isn't a trained or qualified counsellor.

So they've yet to see one...

Son in Law and myself get along ok (ish).
TBH he is very irritating and no doubt he finds me very irritating too, but we are polite and friendly to each other.

He's quite happy for my DD and their DCs come to visit without him and go on holiday without him (no where exotic, a caravan usually)

I think that we have a normal relationship.

Oh bounty,your parents won't be around forever,how's it going to work out when they are elderly? Will you be allowed to visit them? I'm sorry but I don't think your h will ever allow you to have normal contact with them.You are either going to have to learn to live with that or leave him.Why wouldn't he want his dd to have a normal,loving relationship with her gp? I'm sorry op but I don't know how you can live with this man.Your poor dd.Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

Bounty: Is your DH a lot older than you?

10 years age difference

maryz yes things are better than at the point when I was ready to leave. But to be honest unless he'd started physically assaulting me, then they couldn't have been much worse.

Yes he's at home all the time. I have time to myself at work. I go to the gym occasionally. Sometimes I meet with friends and I take DD to a toddler group without him.

I am finding this quite interesting.

If this was op posting about her in laws and her DH in ability to see them for controlling pricks everyone would be telling her to stay away from them, to never let him take the baby there without her to show a united front!

What if ops parents are suffocating and controlling, what if her DH is despairing and his OTT reaction to the spoon was actually, the straw that broke the camels back, that this was the last straw...on a huge back story of controlling behaviour and it was just the spoon that sent him flying off the deep end.

He doesn't usually cry> he cried the once, maybe this was the breaker for him? I would be more worried if she said he cried all the time....

Many a time a woman comes on complaining of her in laws and everyone jumps on the band wagon telling her to cut them off, stop the over bearing mil rushing to the hospital. give themselves time as a family and so on.

this man could be going through all of that! not one person is sparing one thought for him.

OP I cant say anymore here. You said you wanted to hear a different side, I gave you one. You know your situation, your DH etc, you sound like a well measured person, whatever you decide to do I am sure it will be for the best. Life is short, do not let things rumble on, do give things a limit.

As the child of warring parents who stayed together too long, yes I believe divorce is preferable to parents who do not get on, or are in an un healthy relationship, parting.

paxtecum the counsellor asked us about having more children. I said that at the moment I couldn't face it. Mainly as lots of our issues seemed to start following the birth of DD. H said that although he didn't enjoy the baby stage now having a toddler is great and he'd like more. I was tbh as I would say he hated the baby stage.

When we got home we spoke further and it transpires he'd like to adopt [shoc] as this misses out the baby stage. I pointed out that adoption comes with a whole heap of its own issue and is a massive commitment and not just a way to fast track to toddler-dom.

No he doesn't want me to give up work. In fact he really wants me to work FT but I do not want that. I love my PT (although slightly less now he is there in all my time off with DD).

Have you told your councillor that this is the only thing you have challenged and he has totally overreacted. He has control issues clearly. He wants you to obey

Checking what you are going to talk about with your parents? You not being able to mention certain topics? Utterly utterly controlling. I just don't know anyone, anyone for whom this behaviour would be normal within their relationship, sorry.

You poor thing. I guess you know that things are very wrong if you were desperate enough to want to leave once, and my feeling is that you will be back in that place soon. It was your misfortune to stumble across this minister pretending to be a counsellor who really doesn't have a clue and seems to be taking the preserve the marriage at all costs. Plus he also sounds a bit dozy- clearly he wouldn't be happy not seeing his grandchild or having his 'contact' controlled but doesn't seem to be able to call your husband's behaviour for what it is.

What did your husband say when you said you wanted to leave? How has it become turned around to you being in the wrong and not him, if you were the one who wanted to leave (i.e. why is he not changing to make you stay if you see what I mean?)

gobbo I do appreciate your opposite side. I'm trying to see if anything you say would strike a chord in my H. I would say that since the spoon incident I have seen him cry quite a lot. If my parents are suffocating then I can see that the spoon may well have been a tipping point. Well it clearly was a tipping point, I suppose the question is whether it was a valid one.

Gobbolino, you appear intent on constructing a back story which excuses this man while totally ignoring the other information.

And once and for all they are not in counselling. They are being advised, badly, by a church member.

Gobbolino those threads tend to have examples of the ILs behaving unreasonably. The OP gives examples of her husband behaving badly, not her parents. It is one thing to look at the posts from a different view point, but quite another to invent a narrative that isn't there. The OP is unhappy and misses her parents, she was even left alone after giving birth with no support because he banned her parents from visiting even when he wasn't there. She has also said that she feels controlled and that he may be emotionally abusive. This really isn't the thread to play devils advocate for the hell of it.

I think it is interesting that he feels adoption is preferable to having another child of your own. Adopting is a fantastic, difficult journey and I have nothing but respect for people who adopt.

But in the case of your DH, I would worry that it is another sign of him wanting to be in control of the process of having children.

And if he thinks that holiday snaps are too private to be shared with family and friends - how does he think he will cope with having to lay his life bare in order to be approved for adoption?

My partner is quite a private person. He is still extremely pleased to show people pictures of his lovely daughters. I send them to anyone I even vaguely know because I am so proud of them.

And we went to France on holiday. Neither of us considers this secret information...

mumsy He was upset when I wanted to leave. He now says that he's scared to say anything to me in case I walk out. At the time he told me that he'd fight me every step of the way through the courts for custody of DD.

He has made me feel sorry for him. I now feel that all the nasty things he did to me were justified because of how desperately sad he felt about me 'choosing my parents over him'. During spoongate and over the party.

He said that he was so hurt that he had to put up barriers and that was why he said some of the nasty things to me that he used to say.

He says that now he is trying really hard as

1. he is no longer saying the nasty things that he used to
2. he has agreed (all be it grudingly) to me remaining PT
3. he has agreed to some contact with my parents and him

And everyone sees intent on ignoring the usual story on here which is the evil MIL trying to control things and the poor DIL being told to be strong, being told her DH is brain washed and has been by MIL and cant see the wood for the trees and he must choose between her and his parents. HE MUST PUT his new family first.

Here is some one saying things in reverse and everyone is clamouring over themselves to say how controlling he is.

Gobbolino my MIL is incredibly interfering and not a very nice person. Guess what- I just let my husband get on with handling her all by himself. I don't control what photos she sees, I don't tell him what to say on the phone, and I don't tell him when/where to see her. I set my own boundaries (say two week holiday with them a year) and then let him do his own thing. That is because I respect him as a person and trust him to make his own decisions. He once didn't speak to her for 6 months- I let him get on with that too.

He also lets me get on with managing my own family relationships, if he doesn't fancy hanging out with my family as much as I do (I see them weekly and speak to them daily- imagine the OP's husband's reaction to that), then he doesn't have to come but he's happy I'm happy.

I don't think this is about presenting a united front, and even if it were, the Op is secretly not united because she knows full well her husband is unreasonable if not downright odd and so, being a sensible and nice person, with sensible nice friends (who also think the same) she is working out what to do next.

he told me that he'd fight me every step of the way through the courts for custody of DD.
Which is probably why he has given up work and is encouraging you to go FT - because he will be DDs primary carer and may well feel that this gives him an advantage in the event of a future custody battle.

I think Mrscakes has hit the nail on the head.