Husband vs my parents situation

[bountyicecream]

This is something that happened a year ago but we are currently going through marriage counselling and this keeps been brought up. It is clear that the counsellors opinion is with my husband on this and so I'm really questioning whether I'm right at all.

So 18 months ago my husband had a falling out with my parents. 9 months before this situation happened. It was over a trivial thing as these things so often are. Basically my husband felt that I should have supported him when he objected to something ( minor) that my mum was doing with out dd. She was pre- loading the spoons when dd was eating, h felt that dd should be doing it herself ( we were blw). Anyway I didn't think it warranted the rebuke that my h gave to my mum, and so h stormed off as I was 'siding with her'.

During marriage counselling it has become apparent that h feels I have never supported him and have always allowed my parents to influence me. I dispute this as I feel I am v independent. I actually feel I have a much close relationship than many of my friends do with their parents. We only speak every couple of weeks and see each other monthly. I've never been on for discussing personal things with her.

Anyway the big issue came at dd's 2nd birthday party a year ago. I hired a hall and invited 7 other children and their parents plus both sets of grandparents. H's parents didn't come (predictably although I'd have loved them to be there). H refused to come if my parents were there.

My parents agreed to be polite and friendly but not try to discuss any issues or heal the rift in public.

H refused to come unless I uninvited them.

I didn't uninvite my parents. I felt that the party was about dd, not my husband, and that she would love to have her grandparents there.

I counselling h has gone on about how I excluded him from dd's party. I used to reply that he excluded himself as he was always welcome. If my parents had refused to come if h was there then obviously I would have told them not to come. Bt they didn't. They were willing to be friendly for dd's sake.

So this is being trotted out as an example of where I put my secondary family before my primary family. Normally I would say that dads are more important than grandparents and that primary family does come first.

Should I have backed down over this and uninvited my parents. This was the first time I'd ever stood up to my husband. And now he bangs on about it as the thing that has hurt him most ever in his life.

The counsellor just reinforces that primary family is more important than secondary family, which I do agree with, so WIBU here?

Sorry so long

thepinkocelot I agreed to the rule as I felt that I had to try something to save our marriage. He used to work away but has decided to give up work so he can be at home and concentrate on our marriage. So on my part-time days he is at home too and so there is no chance of nipping to see my parents. Plus I dont think sneaking out behind his back would go down well or do our marriage any favours

ilovesooty I've tried to be honest and as equal as I can be. Although obviously I am biased towards myself

I'm sure that's the case bounty. I didn't mean to cause offence by suggesting otherwise. I meant that if the situation as stated seemed to be demonstrated to me in an initial session I wouldn't agree to counsel a couple where one party was controlling or EA.

I still wouldn't rule out AS. Try this online test test it is just giving you an idea and not definative at all. Its the no friends thing that really makes me think he may be affected. Routines and rules are common amongst some ppl with AS but some are very different. There are also related conditions.

"Concentrate on our marriage" sounds rather like being there to control you and keep an eye on you to me.

Gobbo: Often divorce is preferable to marriage.
My friend stayed married to a very abusive man, who used to scream at the DS 'I wish you had never been born, you've ruined my life'.
He watched his dad call his mother a Fking ct.
Now the 18 year old son trashes the house (holes in walls, slashes the sofas, shits on the floor and calls his mother a F-king c--t. Divorce would have been better for all of them.

Apologies Bounty, for going off topic, but Gobbo really is annoying me.

Of course someone should be allowed to call their parents when they want.

But when marriage has come to breaking point and one person is sighting the influence of the others parents......then I guess something to do with the parents is going to be part of the remedy.

As I said I would go along with the remedy with a time limit and see what happens, as I said, if after say 6 months nothing was better then surely op is in a better position to really see if it was in this mans head or not? Holding back from her parents for 6 months isnt long in the long run.

Again, I am just seeing this from the usual flip side, we would all be saying the man was simply brain washed by his family to fall in, and the woman must be strong and put her foot down. This could be one of those situations...its a reverse of what we usually get.

Only op knows if she is happy, or wants to save her marriage, or whether she loves this man....

If she doesn't want to compromise on a temporary basis to get clarity here, then there is her answer. LTB NOW. Dont try counselling or anything, you said your parents would take you in, just leave him and go.

You need professional counsellor, not someone via the church. Call relate or go via ukcp (google it) and search for couple trained therapists. Your counsellor is unprofessional and poorly trained

He's given up work 'to concentrate on your marriage'

OMG.

He does sound very controlling. Sarky comments aside (from your husband and mother) most people would recognise that an argument over a spoon was trivial & agree to disagree. The stuff about not sharing holiday snaps or saying anything about your dd is very strange.

bounty things that rings bells to me that all is not well.

Grown man crying, for the first time in your marriage, about his MIL doing something differently to how he would have done it. My MIL told me she let my DD cry for 10-12 minutes when she baby sat. I was angry but I calmly asked her to go to her after no more than a minute next time. Your DH massively overreacted and is now stubbornly refusing to admit that.

Getting marriage guidance from a non qualified counsellor (church or not it's a bad idea). Counselling methods are tested to ensure they do no harm. This 'meddling' as someone called it could do harm. Imagine an untrained counsellor giving advice to someone who is suicidal. Too dangerous. Please get yourself a trained counsellor using the link provided previously.

Refusing to speak to them straight away, fine. Some people just need time to calm down. But refusing to speak to them long term when they are trying to apologise? That is not how an adult should behave over what is, in isolation, a trivial thing.

Giving you a 'me or them' ultimatum to his DD's birthday party. What is more important? Him making a point or your DD having the people who love her celebrating her birthday together? He should have been able to speak to them but at the very least been able to be in the same room.

He has one kind of relationship with his family; you have another. My DH's family are more formal, never fart in front of each other, never argue just simmer. My family are informal, open, argumentative and tell each other what we think. We both have to suck it up when we're with the other's family but that's what compromise in a marriage is all about.

Not letting your parents see your DD for a month, other than at the hospital. Just because his family's way is like that doesn't mean he should impose that on you. And if he wasn't even around what skin was it off his nose? And if you were somewhere you didn't know anyone that's very isolating with a new born. My mum was round at least once a week and still is 9 months on. My DH wouldn't dream of telling me how often I can see her. I don't ask to see her I tell him she's coming round.

Not sharing holiday photos. I understand you're not on Facebook and I appreciate some people don't like sharing pictures of their family on a public site but not sharing them via email with close family? That's not usual. I email pictures of DD to my family and my DH's all the time. Never once has my DH tried to control the image of our family these photos portray.

I hope you're coming to this conclusion yourself but your DH is very controlling in ways that are not usual in other relationships. Making you reduce contact with your family is IMHO EA. Making you choose between their attendance at your DD's party is EA. Controlling the image of your family that you portray privately to your family is EA. A family should try and work things through but until he breaks his childish sulky silence with your parents I can't see him budging an inch on anything else. Be brave, get a new counsellor, get a new perspective and good luck

Bounty: On a very personal note, does he want more DCs?

Just wondering if he ever suggests that you give up your job, which is your contact with the world away from him.

pax

Divorce is preferable to marriage to an abusive man, really .

So what point do you get divorced. He has agreed to counselling, is that not a positive sign?How many men on these boards usually agree to counselling?

Op is in counselling, albeit strange counselling....Op is trying to give a remedy a chance and is worried that things will never be enough for him to relax.

I have said op should give it a chance with the knowledge in her own mind that if things dont change by x months then she reviews the situation.

If op does not want to give things a chance then there is no point getting another counsellor or doing anything else except pack her bags.

We n have also agreed that I only have contact with my parents once every10 d. I think the idea is that this is a temporary measure whilst my parents learn what is appropriate from them. The problem is I don't feel they were at all interfering before

Good Lord! This is cult-like behaviour. Your mother was being a bit passive-aggressive in the conversation you gave us re the spoon, but this?!

And it is perfectly normal to chat with family and friends about where you went on holiday, what the children said today, and so on. Does your marriage counsellor know that your H thinks that such conversations are not "appropriate."

GobbolinoCat did you genuinely question that divorce is preferable to being married to an abusive man? I hope I have misunderstood you.

Gobbolino, the OP isn't going to have more clarity by being kept from her wider support network for 6 months. More likely she will become more isolated, lonely and less able to see the wood from the trees. That is why abusers do it.

All sounds very worrying. Saying you have "no chance" of nipping to your mum's, simply because your husband is home is NOT normal in a marriage. You need to decide what YOU want. Presumably this would include a normal loving relationship with your parents. Definitely try counselling. I was in an abusive relationship. Your perception of what is normal and acceptable becomes very skewed. I know when you're in the relationship leaving often doesn't feel like an option. What changed things for me was when my children began to be affected by his behaviour. Leaving was the hardest but best thing I ever did. Looking back now it seems scary the things I began to accept as ok, and what a shell of my former self I became. At the very least get some counselling for yourself to try to become more confident about what it is YOU want and not just thinking about pleasing your husband.

Backinthering I hope I've misunderstood as well.

You see, as an introvert, not wanting to share photos feels right

But would you stop your partner, who doesn't necessarily feel the same as you about not wanting to share photos, from showing photos of her family to her parents?

It sounds controlling and really neurotic. And so so selfish

Thanks bounty - my DD had a relationship with an EA man who set about isolating her from friends, colleagues and family. DD & I have always been close but at that time we were less in contact than at any other. I have no doubt that if it had lasted long enough he would have manufactured a big bust-up with DH & me.

I bit my tongue a million times when all I really wanted to do was scream at her that he was taking her over and she was diminishing before my eyes. I said practically nothing and then only commented when she asked for my opinion. I knew my daughter and was sure that eventually she would realise she couldn't live like that and wanted her to know that she had someone she could go to who couldn't and wouldn't say 'I told you so'.

Your DP must be terribly worried about you but are leaving you a clear escape route with no recriminations as and when you want to use it. Believe me, it's not easy to do when you see someone you love so much systematically isolated.

Disclaimer - I do not advocate this course if action to anyone, I was lucky it worked for me and DD

Op is in counselling, albeit strange counselling

Substitute untrained/damaging/toxic for "strange".

I found myself wondering if you're in some weird Church - with its own counsellors - which is all about submission

Surrendered wives sort of stuff? {shudder}

Stepford Wives

I do object to people suggesting that its AS even though the OP has said that her H has very non-AS traits. Perhaps he's just a twat

OP, just for a bit of comparison... My DH doesn't want to spend over much time with my parents. I accept that - but that doesn't stop me talking to them or seeing them - indeed, DS and I spent a week with them on holiday (without DH) at half term - DH didn't mind in the least.

So I really don't think he is all about submitting to my husband, and staying together at all costs

Really?

The more I'm reading your posts on this thread, the more I'm shuddering.