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Fucking fizzing after children's party.

999 replies

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 16:14

Ok...this will probably be quite ranty as I've literally just walked through the door. DS until this September was at a super naice private school, started age 3.5, now age 5.5. Impeccably behaved. Had his own birthday parties and the children were a delight to have, been to all of the other children's parties both with me present and without, never ever had a problem..with him, or any other child. The school then jacked up it's fees, and an astonishing amount of children left, resulting in DS being the only child in his year. I didn't see this as a suitable social environment, so took him out and put him in a pretty good local village primary. Since September, he's been involved in a number of fights...and he always gets the bad press, because other children have "started" on him for being the new boy, and DS is quite a strong little tike, and tends to "finish" things. Which I have drummed into him is not the correct behaviour, but (and not being snobby, just factual) some of these children at this school are just badly behaved fighty oiks who pick on/hit DS then go sobbing crocodile tears because they get a bigger punch back. DS and I have never encountered children like this before, and quite frankly, he's doing his best to just run off and tell and adult every time, but realistically, he's a 5yr old boy, and sometimes he inevitably will just windmill back.

So, I take him to his first party at from this new school. The mother is lovely, very welcoming. There are only about 8 other boys there. All other parents have left their DS there, apart from one, the mother of "Fred" who has stayed. My parents live about 45 seconds from the party venue, so I leave DS and my number, saying that if there's any problems (as he's not socialised out of school with any of them yet), I'm literally right there. I pick him up 2 hours later. He's crying, someone has punched him and he's fallen off the bouncy castle. I'm quite no nonsense, had a quick look at him, he was fine, told him "chin up" and he stopped his fuss, he was more just tired. The mother of the party boy said thank you for coming that he had been fine, DS and the party boy shook hands which was super sweet, DS went round saying bye to everyone. As I leave "Fred's" mother comes up to me. "Just so you know, he's been terribly behaved." Then stands there waiting for my reaction. "Er, has he?" "Yes" Waits for more reaction. "Ok, sorry about that?" "He's been punching, kicking, we've had to pull him off loads of children." "Oh my god!!! Really??" "Yes." Stands there again. "Um, I'll speak to him when we get home" She then pulls a face at me like she's the Queen. I left. On quizzing DS, as per usual, they had been playing rough and tumble type games, and generally "battling" and "Fred" had hit DS a number of times, DS had then put him in his place so to speak, and Fred's mother had hauled my DS off, sat him down and told him he wasn't allowed back on the bouncy castle until she said. I then discover it was Fred that punched DS in the head causing him to fall off the bouncy castle. DS doesn't lie...he is honest to a fault. He openly admits that he punched back. "But they kept battling me Mummy!!" He said that Freds' mother was basically just on his case the entire time, telling him he was a badly behaved little boy, and lots of "you never EVER do that again" and Fred didn't get told off at all.

I'm fuming. I know I should have stayed, but I didn't want to look all precious. I know I need to calm down. Do I speak to the party boy's mother on Monday and ask how DS actually was, or just go straight to this woman and tell her that she "never EVER" speaks to my fucking DS like that again. Or do I leave it. Sorry for this being so long. Didn't want to drip feed.

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 17/11/2013 17:02

You might have to entertain the idea that the problem is your son. With the best will in the world your son is going to tell you that the other boys started it.

I have 2 boys (12 and 8) and they go to an inner city school in a very mixed area and they have never hit another child and believe me they have been provoked on a lot of occasions.

Your son needs to tell the teacher/ responsible adult every time he feels he is being picked because his strategy of hitting everyone is making him look like an oik.

Hermione123 · 17/11/2013 17:03

I just don't understand why you didn't stay. Since up didn't and will do so going forward, I'd completely forget about the party and focus on resolving the issues at school. Personally I don't think there is anything to gain getting the party mum's opinion, you have to work on what you yourself observe and make sure you spend more time observing, perhaps volunteer at the school for a bit?

Kewcumber · 17/11/2013 17:04

*"if you're not there then you don't get to complain about how someone else sees a situation and deals with it."

So we all need to be with our children 24/7 and if not we don't get to complain about how they are treated?

Are you fucking kidding me?*

Hmm - no I'm not fucking kidding you.

You don't need to be with your child 24/7 but if another adult tells you that they have behaved badly and they've had to remove them from the situation, isn't most peoples reaction (and the OP's initially) to say - I'm so sorry and try to work out how it all escalated. Not to subsequently confront the other parent just go straight to this woman and tell her that she "never EVER" speaks to my fucking DS like that again

If you allow other parents to supervise your children then (provided they do it safely) you abdicate the right to say that they have to do it in a certain way. If you want your child treated in a certain way then it up to you to do that and not insist other people discipline the way you want them to.

OP''s language and terminology and automatic response is quite aggressive - it isn't a big stretch to imagine her DS might react aggressively too. Mine does and so I supervise him (or used to when he was 5) more closely because I didn't want strangers dealing with him kicking off.

Roshbegosh · 17/11/2013 17:04

She made a mistake today, she is upset. Leave off fgs.

diagnosticnomansland · 17/11/2013 17:06

Lesson learned, OP...and perhaps doing some role playing with him on how to handle these situations in future will help too, when you cannot be there? Of course, he will then be labelled a tattle tale (because you can't win) but at least he will be in the clear violence wise...some kids do find it hard not to fight back (and are far less sneaky at retaliating than others are at attacking in the first place) and then get a reputation that follows them...so do your best to teach your son how to beat sneaky bullies at their own game by reporting and rising above it. If that is what is actually happening here....

Kewcumber · 17/11/2013 17:06

I've never told anyone who came to pick up after a party anything other than "Oh they were fine" Hmm

Means nothing. Other woman might have over-reacted, maybe not.

But there is a problem here and it isn't really how other parent chose to discipline your son - she isn't the common denominator. You son and the other boys are.

Don;t assume your son isn;t the problem - he is at least 50% of the problem and I got no-where with DS until I accepted that and stopped focussing on everyone else.

LEMisafucker · 17/11/2013 17:08

Sharrrooonnn?? Was there a wasp at the party?

Fucking oiks!! You should have moved to a niacer area with other private schools. C'mon op, you couldnt afford the fees anymore could you?

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 17:09

I have spoken to the teacher. And the headmaster. Who have both told me that my DS is getting physically picked on, and that he has sent several children flying as a result. I am embarrassed by that trust me, I do not see it as a thing to be proud of. Although I am glad that at least he's able to defend himself and not just get hammered.

I have asked why these children all seem to start on him, and they look at me baffled. They say they don't know why. I think it's because he is the new boy. He's come from quite an eccentric small school and is quite an eccentric boy. Some of them are just rotten children... I picked him up last week, to three of them chanting "You're a fool, you're a fool" and sneering at him. He seemed unphased. I said nothing and neither did their mothers which says a lot. I am not precious.

I know what he's making himself look like.

OP posts:
LEMisafucker · 17/11/2013 17:10

If someone came up to me and told me my child had been misbehaving at a party, i would be mortified, i wouldnt want to believe it of my child but i would apologise profusely and then try to get to the bottom of the matter. I would howver have been upset that someone didn't ring me at the time it was going on so i could remove DD from the party.

diagnosticnomansland · 17/11/2013 17:10

Kew hit it on the head in her last paragraph - you really can't control what others do, you can only control what you do, so do that and focus on helping your son navigate what is obviously, one way or another, a difficult period. And absolouly do not approach Fred's mother - you're going to get a reputation of being "precious".

insancerre · 17/11/2013 17:11

she didn't stay because she wasn't invited, maybe?
she's hardly going out of her way to fit in, is she?

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 17:13

I think we've established I shouldn't have left. Hindsight etc. etc.

OP posts:
LEMisafucker · 17/11/2013 17:13

I think you need to make an effort to integrate him more - he is the "new" boy but at DD's school, "new" children tend to have celebrity status and get lots of attention. Maybe he hasn't coped well with this?

If i were you, i'd be inviting some children over for playdates, getting to know the parents, that way if there is a problem you can have a quiet word with the mum instead of there being a big whooo haaa, at least thats how we do things at our school. (state school full of oiks)

usualsuspect · 17/11/2013 17:13

Maybe you need to go back to the school.

Why are they doing nothing to stop your DS being picked on?

soverylucky · 17/11/2013 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usualsuspect · 17/11/2013 17:14

-YY to inviting some oiks round to play.

PresidentServalan · 17/11/2013 17:15

Can you not home educate him so he doesn't have to risk socialising with the oiks? That is obviously what you would prefer . And as for 'him finishing it' that makes you sound proud that your DC is aggressive.

ICameOnTheJitney · 17/11/2013 17:15

OP you will have to get full on with the HT re. the bullying. Ask to see a copy of their policy and ask them what their plan is. Also, ask DS who is nice and invite a boy or two for tea. It will help him forge more links.

jeansthatfit · 17/11/2013 17:15

OP, saying your ds had been at 20 or so parties previously without a hitch is meaningless. Because you say, clearly, that you know he has had trouble settling in his new school - has been involved in fights and has had a 'bad press' - and had never socialised with these particular children outside school before.

To walk off and leave your 5 year old to cope on his own - and to leave others to cope with him without you there - was a bad decision. You abdicated responsibility and it seems others stepped in, in a way that (from your child's account) you don't like.

I think you chalk this one up to experience, don't make a bad situation worse, and have a very thorough think about what you want to do from now on in terms of being more active in finding solutions for your son's problems/behaviour.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 17/11/2013 17:16

As a veteran of children's parties, you are just so fucking relieved it is all over you would say the Pope was Muslim.

2goatytocare · 17/11/2013 17:16

I'd definately speak to party mum to get a clearer view Freds mum sounds biased

PresidentServalan · 17/11/2013 17:17

And it is 'unfazed' - I wouldn't normally pick someone up on that but you sound terribly superior.

ReluctantBeing · 17/11/2013 17:18

I think you need to help your son to socialise. maybe invite a couple of the boys over and see how they all interact.

jeansthatfit · 17/11/2013 17:18

Sorry, x posts.

If the teacher and headteacher have told you your ds is being 'picked on', what did they suggest as a strategy for dealing with it? Or did they leave it at that?

diddl · 17/11/2013 17:18

Sounds to me as if him & Fred don't get on & Fred's mum was sick of dealing with it by the end of the party.

I guess some kids fight & some don't.

Neither of mine ever have.