Fucking fizzing after children's party.

[SugarHut]

Ok...this will probably be quite ranty as I've literally just walked through the door. DS until this September was at a super naice private school, started age 3.5, now age 5.5. Impeccably behaved. Had his own birthday parties and the children were a delight to have, been to all of the other children's parties both with me present and without, never ever had a problem..with him, or any other child. The school then jacked up it's fees, and an astonishing amount of children left, resulting in DS being the only child in his year. I didn't see this as a suitable social environment, so took him out and put him in a pretty good local village primary. Since September, he's been involved in a number of fights...and he always gets the bad press, because other children have "started" on him for being the new boy, and DS is quite a strong little tike, and tends to "finish" things. Which I have drummed into him is not the correct behaviour, but (and not being snobby, just factual) some of these children at this school are just badly behaved fighty oiks who pick on/hit DS then go sobbing crocodile tears because they get a bigger punch back. DS and I have never encountered children like this before, and quite frankly, he's doing his best to just run off and tell and adult every time, but realistically, he's a 5yr old boy, and sometimes he inevitably will just windmill back.

So, I take him to his first party at from this new school. The mother is lovely, very welcoming. There are only about 8 other boys there. All other parents have left their DS there, apart from one, the mother of "Fred" who has stayed. My parents live about 45 seconds from the party venue, so I leave DS and my number, saying that if there's any problems (as he's not socialised out of school with any of them yet), I'm literally right there. I pick him up 2 hours later. He's crying, someone has punched him and he's fallen off the bouncy castle. I'm quite no nonsense, had a quick look at him, he was fine, told him "chin up" and he stopped his fuss, he was more just tired. The mother of the party boy said thank you for coming that he had been fine, DS and the party boy shook hands which was super sweet, DS went round saying bye to everyone. As I leave "Fred's" mother comes up to me. "Just so you know, he's been terribly behaved." Then stands there waiting for my reaction. "Er, has he?" "Yes" Waits for more reaction. "Ok, sorry about that?" "He's been punching, kicking, we've had to pull him off loads of children." "Oh my god!!! Really??" "Yes." Stands there again. "Um, I'll speak to him when we get home" She then pulls a face at me like she's the Queen. I left. On quizzing DS, as per usual, they had been playing rough and tumble type games, and generally "battling" and "Fred" had hit DS a number of times, DS had then put him in his place so to speak, and Fred's mother had hauled my DS off, sat him down and told him he wasn't allowed back on the bouncy castle until she said. I then discover it was Fred that punched DS in the head causing him to fall off the bouncy castle. DS doesn't lie...he is honest to a fault. He openly admits that he punched back. "But they kept battling me Mummy!!" He said that Freds' mother was basically just on his case the entire time, telling him he was a badly behaved little boy, and lots of "you never EVER do that again" and Fred didn't get told off at all.

I'm fuming. I know I should have stayed, but I didn't want to look all precious. I know I need to calm down. Do I speak to the party boy's mother on Monday and ask how DS actually was, or just go straight to this woman and tell her that she "never EVER" speaks to my fucking DS like that again. Or do I leave it. Sorry for this being so long. Didn't want to drip feed.

The party mum (and dad?) cannot keep all eyes on all children at all times, if there are other parents there they know then nipping in and out to get cups of squash or whatever is always going to be part of the norm.

I find it impossible to believe that ALL the other little boys are hitting him and he's just defending himself. As for him never having behaved this way

and

Kids who can floor others with a single punch tend not to be the victims of unaggravated assaults generally.

These were the attitudes my ds's teachers had in YR when I talked to them about him being bullied. He was the tallest child in the class, looked like he should have been in Y2 at least, and broad and strong to match. Also the youngest of 3 siblings, so accustomed to fairly rough play. Fortunately his teachers also knew that he was gentle with most of his classmates and well aware if the fact that they were physically smaller and weaker than him. So they instigated a playground watch on him, and, sure enough, found that he was being attacked by other children. Completely unprovoked, and not just older children, but some of his year group.

You see, some people think it is fun to attack a gentle person, see him flip out, and then see him be punished if it goes too far. And I would also call such people oiks.

OP I agree with the posters who say that you have to take responsibility for leaving him in a potentially tricky situation. You must stay in future. I would ignore 'Fred' mum, but do Talk to party mum.

Why wasn't it Fred's mother's place to talk to you about your son's behaviour; if Fred was the one being punched in the head?

See, you come across as quite aggressive yourself, maybe thats where he is getting it feels quite chuffed that someone who sent their child to private school swears more than i fucking do

I did say to her that I would speak to him when she confronted me. At the time to be honest I was so taken aback by the utter disgust this woman was treating me with I said a lot less than I usually would. It was more the way she thought she had the right to speak to another mother in such a contemptuous manner. She actually came across as being super precious now I look back on it.

I've calmed down now. You're right, I don't need to speak to her, DS is getting a lot of (albeit half the time unfair) bad press, and all I will achieve is looking like Sharon Watts.

Do I not speak to party boy's mother either?

I think you need to spend more time sorting your child out than going chasing after other mothers who have treated you in a "contemptuous manner"

You sound like you have a chip on your shoulder and so does your son.

Just to say...I went to a cunty private school and I fucking-well learned to swear the bollocks off any sailor at said private school...

Id definately speak to party mum, if the situation was as bad as Freds mum has made it out to be she would surely have seen something even if she was busy 'getting squash'

A 5 year old with 'a chip on their shoulder' i've heard it all now

I wouldn't speak to any of the mums.

I would concentrate on how things are going at school.

No, speak to party mum...absolutely. And be very apologetic in your approach...because being a party mum usually makes for an utterly shit week in the run up to it...and you're likely to just piss her off if DS was badly behaved and you are bolshie on your approach.

Speak to party boy's mum and if she said your DS was fine, then invite party boy to your house, as it will show they get on well. If she declines the invitation, maybe address the situation at the school again.

Of course the party mum will say he was fine.

She won't want to get into all the he said she said stuff.

I've always found small posh boys horribly aggressive compared to the inner city kids at my dc's school. (Only mix with posh kids when we visit my mum in her pretty village in Surrey).

It's like they need to stake out their empires in the sandpit or something, and vanquish the serfs.

It comes of being in a pack of alpha males. They get all weird about establishing dominance.

Don't speak to anyone, apart from your son and the school.

He's young, disorientated and not fitting in. Kids are awful sometimes, and if it is not the sort of school that is used to high pupil turnover (like for eg schools with a large number of armed forces families) then they maybe don't have particularly robust integration procedures in place.

Take a deep breath, forget about the party and all that happened and concentrate on how you are going to help your son (with the school's help) to fit into his new school environment - before he is permanently left with the 'thug' tag.

Unless she doesn't like the thugs mum but that's a road I wouldn't want to go down.

Isn't it possible that despite the unfortunate choice of "oiks" that this IS a five year old child being picked on, just as his teacher and head teacher say?

Stop getting so hung up on her language.

Tbh the terminology you've used aside, I CAN imagine this happening if someone from a private school re-located to my Ds' school - it's rural, a bit cliquey and quite traditional.
It would be feasible that they would get picked on for being different and i imagine the reverse snobbery would be rife from children AND mums especially if they were well-spoken and therefore, deemed 'posh'.
Someone started not long ago from London (we are Yorkshire and supposedly friendly) but there was a lot of insecure 'they're a bit up themselves' bitchiness about both parents and child for no other apparent reason than they hadn't grown up in the same village as everyone else and spoke differently .
Having said that I do think you need to manage how you speak when you're mad and how your child reacts when provoked as you're not going to endear yourself to anyone by reacting so aggressively all the time or make your childs transition any easier into this school.

If I left one of my do's (dear oik) at a party and was told he'd been naughty, I would apologise sincerely, feel absolutely mortified and have a serious chat with do. I certainly wouldn't be angry about the way someone approached me with regards to my oiks behaviour.

If it bothers you that much, you should have a word with the party mum next time you see her.Shes probably just said nothing because that's what you do sometimes. I've had ds's friends over in the past and they've been horrors, but when you hand them back over, it doesn't matter to you any more and so you smile and say, "yeah, they've been fab."

I think its the school you should be most concerned about. Your ds does not sound happy there, so maybe you should be talking to them instead.

Well I did ask what the school were doing about that,Hully.

Surely the school wouldn't say 'oh yes he does get picked on' and then do nothing to address the problem

I find it impossible to believe that ALL the other little boys are hitting him and he's just defending himself. As for him never having behaved this way

and

Kids who can floor others with a single punch tend not to be the victims of unaggravated assaults generally.

These were the attitudes my ds's teachers had in YR when I talked to them about him being bullied. He was the tallest child in the class, looked like he should have been in Y2 at least, and broad and strong to match. Also the youngest of 3 siblings, so accustomed to fairly rough play. Fortunately his teachers also knew that he was gentle with most of his classmates and well aware if the fact that they were physically smaller and weaker than him. So they instigated a playground watch on him, and, sure enough, found that he was being attacked by other children. Completely unprovoked, and not just older children, but some of his year group.

You see, some people think it is fun to attack a gentle person, see him flip out, and then see him be punished if it goes too far. And I would also call such people oiks.

YES! YES! YES! Thank god for you posting this ILove

DS is quite an eccentric little thing, and yes it probably is amusing to them to watch him flip out. He does it in quite a spectacularly verbal way mostly. His vocabulary is well beyond his years, and yes, I can imagine that they find a great deal of amusement when he is goaded to the point of snapping. Equally, he can be an acidic little thing, but again only verbally. It's this fighting stuff. He's NOT a fighter, just like your DS. But he is big. And not a martyr that can keep taking this and never fight back. He's 5!

Sadly, usual....some schools are utterly shit at doing anything about bullying....

CombineBanana, do you live in the same village as me?

In my experience most schools take bullying seriously.

With regards to the school, I asked them what to do. At his old school he was never bullied or a bully. So I have no experience of what to do in either case. Whenever I ask them anything, they say it's ok, nothing to worry about, they are monitoring the situation.