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Fucking fizzing after children's party.

999 replies

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 16:14

Ok...this will probably be quite ranty as I've literally just walked through the door. DS until this September was at a super naice private school, started age 3.5, now age 5.5. Impeccably behaved. Had his own birthday parties and the children were a delight to have, been to all of the other children's parties both with me present and without, never ever had a problem..with him, or any other child. The school then jacked up it's fees, and an astonishing amount of children left, resulting in DS being the only child in his year. I didn't see this as a suitable social environment, so took him out and put him in a pretty good local village primary. Since September, he's been involved in a number of fights...and he always gets the bad press, because other children have "started" on him for being the new boy, and DS is quite a strong little tike, and tends to "finish" things. Which I have drummed into him is not the correct behaviour, but (and not being snobby, just factual) some of these children at this school are just badly behaved fighty oiks who pick on/hit DS then go sobbing crocodile tears because they get a bigger punch back. DS and I have never encountered children like this before, and quite frankly, he's doing his best to just run off and tell and adult every time, but realistically, he's a 5yr old boy, and sometimes he inevitably will just windmill back.

So, I take him to his first party at from this new school. The mother is lovely, very welcoming. There are only about 8 other boys there. All other parents have left their DS there, apart from one, the mother of "Fred" who has stayed. My parents live about 45 seconds from the party venue, so I leave DS and my number, saying that if there's any problems (as he's not socialised out of school with any of them yet), I'm literally right there. I pick him up 2 hours later. He's crying, someone has punched him and he's fallen off the bouncy castle. I'm quite no nonsense, had a quick look at him, he was fine, told him "chin up" and he stopped his fuss, he was more just tired. The mother of the party boy said thank you for coming that he had been fine, DS and the party boy shook hands which was super sweet, DS went round saying bye to everyone. As I leave "Fred's" mother comes up to me. "Just so you know, he's been terribly behaved." Then stands there waiting for my reaction. "Er, has he?" "Yes" Waits for more reaction. "Ok, sorry about that?" "He's been punching, kicking, we've had to pull him off loads of children." "Oh my god!!! Really??" "Yes." Stands there again. "Um, I'll speak to him when we get home" She then pulls a face at me like she's the Queen. I left. On quizzing DS, as per usual, they had been playing rough and tumble type games, and generally "battling" and "Fred" had hit DS a number of times, DS had then put him in his place so to speak, and Fred's mother had hauled my DS off, sat him down and told him he wasn't allowed back on the bouncy castle until she said. I then discover it was Fred that punched DS in the head causing him to fall off the bouncy castle. DS doesn't lie...he is honest to a fault. He openly admits that he punched back. "But they kept battling me Mummy!!" He said that Freds' mother was basically just on his case the entire time, telling him he was a badly behaved little boy, and lots of "you never EVER do that again" and Fred didn't get told off at all.

I'm fuming. I know I should have stayed, but I didn't want to look all precious. I know I need to calm down. Do I speak to the party boy's mother on Monday and ask how DS actually was, or just go straight to this woman and tell her that she "never EVER" speaks to my fucking DS like that again. Or do I leave it. Sorry for this being so long. Didn't want to drip feed.

OP posts:
SugarHut · 17/11/2013 16:49

Thank you digerd.... that's how I feel. Just bloody sad. On the one hand I do feel some comfort knowing that at least he can defend himself and he's not getting beaten up. But you are spot on... he shouldn't have to in that manner

He's never behaved like this before in his life. It is a reaction to other children's actions. He does not start anything physically. This does not mean he's not being a little nuisance verbally though...he is quite capable of being an enormous wind up merchant, and not in a funny way. They always seem to get physical with him. I know the one event I witnessed was unprovoked, but I'm not stupid enough to think they all are. And 50% of the time, he does go to an adult/teacher. But 50% of the time, despite me saying that he mustn't, he does hit back. Evidently with the strength of an ox Blush

It's just not right though, I KNOW it's not him, or he would have been like this for the last 2 years at his other school. Because when he does retaliate he "causes" the greater "damage" (awful way to phrase it but I can't think what else) he is always noted as the bad one. And this mother today has infuriated me.

OP posts:
ThreeBeeOneGee · 17/11/2013 16:49

Yes, mine are definitely oiks. The youngest two are tearing around the garden at dusk and the eldest is bossing them about... in Latin. At least he is using the imperative form. His (state) school should be proud.

Salmotrutta · 17/11/2013 16:49

That was to JoinYourPlayfellow by the way.

Valdeeves · 17/11/2013 16:49

But I don't believe real people use the phrase Oiks anymore. Not unless they are a character from Henry Enfield and Chums.

insancerre · 17/11/2013 16:50

xcupid just what I was thinking too

usualsuspect · 17/11/2013 16:50

My kindle recognised oik.

It's a thuggish kindle.

lookatmycameltoe · 17/11/2013 16:51

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SugarHut · 17/11/2013 16:51

OK...lets' not get wound up and derail thinking I'm calling my DS a "shit" shall we...because that's not what I'm saying. Which is perfectly clear. Thanks.

I am trying to express the utter disdain the mother spoke to me with.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 17/11/2013 16:51

I would speak to the teacher - this kind of behaviour would worry me in reception aged children. And we go to a pretty oik'ish school.

It is not her place - you weren't there so someone was going to do it - if you're not there then you don't get to complain about how someone else sees a situation and deals with it.

DS has a tendency to kick off, often provoked by others teasing him. Is it his fault? Is it theirs? Who knows but I didn't leave him knowing it was likely to be an issue.

FourLanesEnd · 17/11/2013 16:53

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lookatmycameltoe · 17/11/2013 16:53

I think at the previous school the boys were scared of him and they aren't at this school (being full of oiks) hence the fighting. Stop blaming everyone else!

ThreeBeeOneGee · 17/11/2013 16:53

The OP didn't call anyone a shit, she reported that the other mother spoke to her as if she (and her son) were faecal.

Ledkr · 17/11/2013 16:54

An oik is apparently a child who's parents cannot afford the private school fees so go to a state school!
That's you op that is Wink
HTH

JoinYourPlayfellows · 17/11/2013 16:54

"if you're not there then you don't get to complain about how someone else sees a situation and deals with it."

So we all need to be with our children 24/7 and if not we don't get to complain about how they are treated?

Are you fucking kidding me?

The child was left in the care of the mother hosting the party.

She was responsible for the children that were there, and she was responsible for calling the OP back if it was necessary.

jeansthatfit · 17/11/2013 16:55

For a start - all of this disproves the idea that 'hitting back" is a way of sorting things out.

If it worked, then none of the other children would be still approaching him physically, would they? Especially if, as you say, he has the 'strength of an ox' and tends to inflict more damage on others than they do to your son.

OP, your language - 'square in the face', 'finishing it' and talk of putting other boys 'in their place' - all sounds as if you approve of his behaviour, rather than seeing it as a problem.

And I think that's the problem. And it's very sad. There's a 5 year old boy caught up in this.

Wuldric · 17/11/2013 16:55

Nope, people (usually children/teenagers) do use the term oik. One of DS's friends used it the other day. I was a bit shocked, mind, and did pull him up on the term.

It made me wonder about the parents tbh. They are smooth and sophisticated middle-class people. But this attitude is learned, isn't it? So this is what they are genuinely thinking under the urbane patter.

SugarHut · 17/11/2013 16:56

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teenagetantrums · 17/11/2013 16:56

you know our son hits out why would you leave him. My DD was a horrid oik who would always hit out, i never left her alone at a party until she got over it, my older DS although an oik, was never violent despite always being the biggest in his year so i left him. Control your child don't blame the children around him.

jeansthatfit · 17/11/2013 16:56

playfellows - if you know your child has been in trouble with other children, for hitting them and being attacked himself - and he hasn't socialised with them outside school before - and he's 5 years old -

Yes, you stay at a party with him.

womma · 17/11/2013 16:58

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usualsuspect · 17/11/2013 16:58

Yes stay with him next time to protect him from the dreadful oiks.

monicalewinski · 17/11/2013 16:59

I have sympathy with you OP!!!!!

We have moved house 4 times since my eldest (11, just started yr 7 this year) was born. Him and his brother are on their 3rd school now and the settling in period is the worst - they don't just have to get used to the new teaching methods etc hey also have to try and find their niche again in a new hierarchy. It's tough and getting into a couple of physical scrapes is not that unusual actually (I must add, this is not just experienced with my boys, but other new kids too).

I would have a good chat with your boy about how he is feeling at his new school, if he feels he has 'become' a person he isn't (ie fighting etc), it is also worth having a word with his teacher to give her the heads up that he's struggling a wee bit to fit in and she will be able to keep an eye out for incidents and help him to integrate.

It's quite overwhelming for him having to start over again with friends etc but he will in the end - also, I wouldn't get involved as parents with their playground squabbles, they could end up best friends and things are awkward still between the parents.

Hope he settles in soon and is happy with his new school and friends!

greeneyes1978 · 17/11/2013 16:59

Do you think it could be that your son was 'top dog' in his old school class and perhaps is trying to assert himself in the new school? Perhaps they are tougher than the last lot and don't want to put up his bullying ways? I am sorry to be mean, but he does sound like he could be a bit of bully. You say that verbally he can be pretty nasty. Have you spoken to the teacher about his integration into the class?

Feminine · 17/11/2013 17:01

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SugarHut · 17/11/2013 17:01

JoinYourPlay... yes this is why I'm so angry. The party boy's mother said he had been fine, the party boy and DS were perfectly happy saying goodbye. And absolutely it was her responsibility to call me if he was behaving the way Fred's mother describes. It was not Fred's mother place to tell him off in such a severe manner. Telling him to sit on his own until she personally deemed it ok for him to play again. If he was being that bad, I should have had a call. That's WHY I left my number!!

Yes of course I know now never to leave him in this position again, but after 20 or so previous parties without a hitch, this was not expected, or certainly not to this degree.

OP posts:
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