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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that as pre school is not compulsory...

298 replies

cantsleep · 16/11/2013 22:09

That it should not matter if dd is late every day ?

My other dcs get to actual school on time but due to various health problems and the fact I don't drive dd is always about half an hour late.

I've explained time and time again to the pre school that iam doing my best but I got a letter today regarding a meeting they'd had citing one of the main problems as being that dd is late each day.

I get up at 6 am each day and get myself ready, then it takes over an hour to get dd1 up and sometimes ds1 needs help too as both have to do physio each morning. Dd2 and ds2 are only little and need to be dressed etc and dd2 has significant health needs. We get the oldest two to school on time but by then I'm already exhausted and usually have my breakfast and a cup of tea and then get dcs ready to walk down to pre school.

Dd hates it so screams and takes shoes off numerous times etc and it just takes ages as I'm tired.

I just feel that given the circumstances the pre school should just accept that we will never be on time rather than make such a big issue out of half an hour. Rather than putting pressure on me I would like them to just make the best of the situation and accomodate the fact that dd arrives at a different time.

AIBU?

OP posts:
bonkersLFDT20 · 16/11/2013 23:43

I second those who have suggested a nursery rather than a pre-school setting would be preferable.
My son attended my work-place nursery for a few years and there was never any requirement to arrive at a certain time.
For the 9 months prior to starting school he went to our village pre-school one morning a week, just to get to know his peers and to take advantage of the extra school visits they did. It was expected that you arrived at the beginning of the session and it was a much more structured setting. However, I am sure they would have accommodated me arriving 1/2hr late if it was 1) a regular arrangement and 2) for a good reason. I am surprised they are not being a little more helpful since it ISN'T school.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/11/2013 23:48

Could you just go and speak to them, explain your predicament and perhaps you can reach a compromise? Perhaps the exact time you arrive is problematic for them, but 10mins later wouldn't be?
And more food for thought, if you can hold off from having tea st your mums, then you drop dd in time, and then you get an extra 30 min and one less child to look after, to really have a cup if tea in peace.

Original poster
cantsleep · 16/11/2013 23:51

Have spoken to them but don't think they fully understand how hard things are.

My older two dcs went there so they have some idea but its very difficult to get across how much we are struggling.

Looked into nurseries but all in area are full or with huge lists.

OP posts:
FannyMcNally · 16/11/2013 23:51

It's always disruptive when someone arrives late. And now you say she screams when you leave. That is very unsettling for the other children. I'd forget pre-school for now.

Original poster
cantsleep · 16/11/2013 23:57

From the moment she gets up she's unhappy and saying she doesn't want to go, that's often what she refuses breakfast then has low blood sugar a bit later on meaning more checks/ treating a hypo.

She cries on the way in buggy and screams when we turn the corner to the centre. She goes mad crying and screaming when we get there and clings onto me and begs to go home. Sometimes I just go, other times I have to wait to check her again and make sure she eats her snack. It is noisy and disruptive I suppose for the other children but none of them ever seem upset by it.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantsleep · 16/11/2013 23:58

Pre school have also mentioned how it is unfair on the other children and also at snack time when dd gets more biscuits than them ( they have a 1 biscuit rule) and I just feel like we are a big inconvenience to them.

OP posts:
SantanaLopez · 17/11/2013 00:00

OP what does your DD actually get from going to preschool?

Original poster
cantsleep · 17/11/2013 00:02

She does calm down after a while and plays. She likes painting and making things and due to the dcs problems we don't get much opportunity for painting etc at home so its good in that sense.

Dd enjoys socialising and its good that she allows other adults to do her checks etc as she will be at school next year and she used to only want me to do it.

OP posts:
FloopyFox · 17/11/2013 02:41

Dd is diabetic, is she on a pump? Or does she have injections? You may find a pump will help with your morning routine once you can easily work out carbs etc. I agree with a lot of posts here. Change her to a nursery, many accept the grant placements, but the timings are much more flexible than preschools which run strictly to a school day. I would say if you had no medical issues to contend with that you were BU, but in light of having 4 children, one with diabetes... And did you say the others needed physio? .... I don't think it's unreasonable, but I also don't think this preschool sounds like the right environment for your daughter. They are not giving her the pastoral care she needs by the sounds of it x

bellablot · 17/11/2013 03:16

No if doesn't matter, it's pre-school FFS. I detest lateness but if has never once occurred to me being late for pre-school would matter a jot, because it doesn't!

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts · 17/11/2013 03:17

Still not hearing a good reason to keep her there - honestly, why can't you move her or pull her out?

GoodnessKnows · 17/11/2013 03:28

I think they RBU. For goodness sakes, the children aren't doing double maths when your little one arrives. The most disruption caused would be the turn of ahead or someone shuffling up for them to sit down. We were always late to nursery. I worked mornings but also didn't avoid it as I do school. If they're not understanding of your special circumstances, stuff them! Be polite and understanding at the meeting. Explain that until he's at school, aged 4/5, this is the way it must be.

whoneedssleepanyway · 17/11/2013 05:39

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect the children to be on time, half an hour out of a 3 hour session is a lot.

I can see how hard things are for you. Why do you all go to Dd1's drop off why can't your DH drop them on his own and then leave u to get other 2 DC ready of they leave at 750 am that gives u over an hour before needing to leave for pre school. How do u get back from school run anyway if it is half an hour away?

I think previous poster who suggested eligibility for transport to school is worth exploring.

To be honest if your DD2 is as unhappy being left at the pre school as she sounds I would withdraw her and look at other options, it sounds like it is making your life harder.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 17/11/2013 05:50

Your logic is off, because school's not mandatory either, but if you choose to avail yourself of a school place, then you have to abide by the rules. Otherwise, they are within their rights to say you can't have the place, because as it's not mandatory for her to be there, nor is it mandatory for them to accept her.

However, it does sound like she's not ready for pre-school, and if she's not having a positive experience then there's not much point in her going. Maybe just take a break and put her in school in September.

Original poster
cantsleep · 17/11/2013 07:54

We all go to dd1s drop off as there's not time for dh to drop us off anywhere else first as we are always in such a rush that we get there only just on time.

It is a huge amount of effort, I really wish pre school would just agree to dd going in that little bit later.

OP posts:
MaryPoppinsBag · 17/11/2013 08:09

The staff should certainly
Not be complaining about your DD needing extra biscuits because if her diabetes.

If it was me I would just knock it on the head, and keep her at home with you until she starts school nursery next September. Even that isn't compulsory though.

I don't think turning up late should be that much of an issue. As play should be free flow and fairly unstructured. However, you could just go to pre-school straight after the school run, like posters have suggested.

Original poster
cantsleep · 17/11/2013 08:16

It just seems absurd to me that when she was 2 she attended a different nursery ( we left as it was so expensive), they had quite a strict routine of welcome time, certain activities, then a snack then garden time then more activities and lunch.

It was very regimented with little songs to end each activity and begin another yet they said it was fine to get dd at whatever time I wanted.

I also find it hard that at the current pre school on a wed some children come in late rather than normal time and pay extra so they do have a few children on that day turning up when the others are already there and settled and it causes no major problems although I expect the issues are more because with dd I need to handover and go through things each day due to her problems so her key worker has to leave what she scoring to speak to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantsleep · 17/11/2013 08:16

Is doing not scoring !

OP posts:
Stampstamp · 17/11/2013 08:19

You have very difficult circumstances, I think the pre-school should show a bit of compassion and agree that your DD can go in later. The "rules are rules" mentality is ridiculous and very uncaring.

greenfolder · 17/11/2013 08:25

I would put in writing to the pre school that dd will attend from x time each day due to the complex health needs issues within the family. I would state that this is non negotiable and a reasonable accommodation for them to make.

I would then stop stressing about it. You have enough on your plate frankly and sound like you are doing your tip top best. I assume she will go to school in september so that will be one minor thing made easier.

Artandco · 17/11/2013 08:31

Could you just slow down the pace between the 8.30am drop off? Can you chat to parents in playground for 5 mins, then slowly walk to the nursery? If dd walked would it take much longer? So by the time you got there it was 9am ish? Or if she has to go in pram walk the long way around. Then sit on bench and give her snack etc then you will be ready to go in at 9.15am.

I really don't think there's time for tea and breakfast. Can you not have breakfast when you get up/ with the children or after all drop offs?

ZenNudist · 17/11/2013 08:31

It shouldn't matter but clearly it does. So change your routine so you won't be late. Stop making excuses. Accommodate the things that make you late.

I'm persistently late. Recently started to change my habits so I'm earlier/ on time. Getting up earlier even though I'd rather not, preparing everything I need the night before, building in time for loo visits, chivvying dc earlier than before, aiming for earlier time out the house.

Going home for breakfast after you drop off ds not working, so get breakfast earlier then take food with you in case dd needs more. Test her once you drop of the boys as you'll be early to pre-school the bung her grab & go food if needed.

You'd probably feel less exhausted if you ate brekkie yourself first thing before leaving house. I wouldn't be able to cope without eating & starting my day first. Id always get up earlier to make sure I eat. Just quick bowl of cereal plus cuppa tea with water in it to cool it down!

pianodoodle · 17/11/2013 08:38

You have very difficult circumstances, I think the pre-school should show a bit of compassion and agree that your DD can go in later. The "rules are rules" mentality is ridiculous and very uncaring

I agree. It sounds like you're doing the best you can! It's a shame.

I'm not sure how it can be so disruptive for other children really. Surely one little girl turning up half an hour late every day would become part of the routine anyway. I doubt the children care or think it's unfair.

I'm not sure what you can do if they are going to insist apart from find another place or keep her a home a while longer, but I don't think you're being unreasonable.

Original poster
cantsleep · 17/11/2013 08:43

I think it might be possible to walk the long way etc but its getting colder and dcs just get freezing in the buggy, also when its raining I just really can't be bothered being soaked, these probably sound like excuses but I am sick and tired of being in and out so much during the day in bad weather! And when everything else is factored in its overwhelming.

Testing dd and giving snacks on the go is hard, often I have to weigh out a certain amount depending on blood sugar and its hard doing that when out. Couple of times on windy days at school pick up I've struggled and ended up with bg test strips flying round the playground and its near impossible.

OP posts:
pianodoodle · 17/11/2013 08:44

I know for myself the one thing I couldn't drop from my routine would be eating.

With all that stress etc... you could end up making yourself very poorly :(

I don't think it's helpful to suggest how you can change your morning routine to be honest. If you were able to change it you would find a way but it isn't as straightforward as someone from the outside saying "oh just do it this way" as it's hard enough to get everything organised with so many different demands at once.

It certainly doesn't sound like you're just loafing about making yourself late. Under your circumstances I'd be lucky to make it to the pre-school at all!